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Choosing a Donor After a Miscarriage

TheMysticalOneTheMysticalOne Posts: 849 ✭✭
edited November -1 in Trying to Conceive
A few weeks ago I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. It's been the most difficult time of my life. I never imagined that I'd be 25 and have a miscarriage. It's so difficult to describe how I'm feeling right now. The SAME week I had my miscarriage I went to visit my family back in Illinois. None of them even knew I was pregnant and it was so hard to be there and try to be happy when I was supposed to announce my pregnancy during that once a year trip.

But while I'm grieving I'm also considering what to do the next time around. I have three cycles to wait out before trying again. The doctor has suggested this time frame because he says that the area where the baby implanted needs to heal correctly before TTC again. The doctor thinks I lost the baby because of chromosonal abnormalities, although the baby did have a normal, fast heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks (150BPM).

I'm debating on whether or not I should use the same donor again. I know the donor has at least one other positive pregnancy beside my own. Although I really liked my donor, I would have no problems choosing another. I just can't decide on what to do right now. I'm so eager to TTC again and it's hard to wait this long.

You girls who have hard multiple losses I don't know how you DO it. It's so hard...

Your thoughts are appreciated!
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Comments

  • LoveShackBabyLoveShackBaby Posts: 118
    edited November -1
    It's really hard to think about pregnancy after miscarriage. I took 5 months off after my loss last year. I just couldn't bring myself to even think about pregnancy again. I stuck with the same known donor for the first few tries but now I'm on to a new frozen donor.
    I wish you tons of luck on your next tries and with choosing a new donor, if that's what you choose to do.
  • wasnervouswreckwasnervouswreck Posts: 356
    edited November -1
    The desicion that you have to make is a difficult one. I think the main thing to ask yourself is if you don't try again with the same donor will you regret it, especially if you get a BFN or they sell out? One great thing is that you do know you can get pregnant by this donor and the odds of a repeat MC is actually very low.
  • old mamaold mama Posts: 4,682
    edited November -1
    I guess it depends how much you really like the donor. I've had some miscarriages and sometimes it is just nice to start over with someone new and put that experience as much behind you as you can. I feel for you. I lost a baby the day before my only brother's wedding. I did not want to tell anyone and ruin even one moment of anyone's special day. But, I couldn't go. I have 8 adopted children and we were getting ready to travel out of state and I was not emotionally or physically able to do it...it is awful to have to "fake" being happy. I hope you have better luck this time!
  • onemorebabyonemorebaby Posts: 472
    edited November -1
    First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a painful thing to go through.... but.... it will get better. I had a mc at almost 9 weeks and still miss the baby that was to be.

    For me, I wanted the same donor. I wanted to have a "connection" to that baby, even if it was to carry a bio-sibling. After a while, when I didn't get pregnant, I switched donors to see if that helped.

    Long story short, we ended up doing IVF (and then a frozen transfer with embryos from that IVF) and used the original donor that I had the previous m/c with. Now, I am glad that we did. I will always miss the baby that I m/c with but it is great to see this beautiful baby that I have now.
    My blog! www.ifyoulivedhereidknowyourname.blogspot.com
    Welcome Baby Madelynn! 11/29/11
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  • FlowergirlFlowergirl Posts: 2,040
    edited November -1
    I am so sorry for your loss... I've been there and it hurts so much. Many hugs...

    As far as using the same donor, for us it was the right choice. I had gotten pregnant by using him the first try and that meant alot. Also, like others have said, I loved my baby boy so much, I seemed like I was kind of "turning my back" on him by switching.. I know that doesn't really make sense but it's how I felt. Also, the majority of miscarriages are from chromosomal abnormalities that are simply flukes of nature, and a lesser percentage are caused by problems with the mother (hormones, uterus, etc) so I knew the probability of the donor actually having anything to do with the cause of miscarriage was largely unlikely.

    Our baby also had a perfectly normal heartbeat that we first saw at 6 weeks, 3 days and saw and heard twice after that, once at 8 weeks and again at 10-1/2 weeks. Testing showed that our baby had trisomy 21 and it was simply a fluke of nature, and nothing genetically passed on. A call to my bank also gave me peace of mind - they reassured me he had been tested for all translocated genes (where a person can pass on a genetic disorder to their offspring) and had tested negative for all. Also, my donor had 8 live healthy births.

    We are currently pregnant with a full bio sibling to our angel baby, conceived on our 2nd try after the miscarriage and so far baby is healthy and happy and we pray it continues that way.

    I wish you peace in your heart and in your decision.
    After 9 yrs & 1 devastating loss, we got our BFP at 9DPO ~ and welcomed our beautiful son on Halloween! Best treat ever!!

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  • mommylovemommylove Posts: 1,582
    edited November -1
    Sorry for your loss.
    We had two miscarriages prior to conceiving our son. One at almost 12 weeks and one early on at 6 weeks. After the first mc we took almost a year off of TTC, but after the second early mc we went right back at it once my cycle returned the following month. We felt ready to move on and my OB in fact explained that after an early miscarriage you are often more fertile so we wanted to take advantage of that...and low and behold we were pregnant again that very next cycle, we had our son 9 months later. :-)
    We used two different donors for the miscarriages, but for our last BFP with our son and the miscarriage right before it we used the same donor. We made that choice based on the fact that we knew we obviously could get pregnant with that donor and the hope that nothing would be wrong again. Statistically about 20% of pregnancies end in early miscarriage so I knew having had two our turn for a healthy one was due... :-)
    Hang in there and good luck moving forward when you are ready.
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    October 2014

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  • TheOtherLovingMomsTheOtherLovingMoms Posts: 1,481 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    I want to start by saying I am so sorry for your loss. When DP got pregnant last July we had been TTC for over a year. When we changed donors she got pregnant the first try with that donor. We plan on trying again in either Aug or Sept and we plan to use the same donor we got pregnant with. Good luck with your decision.
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    I just turned 50 and fabulous!!! Enjoying life with my amazing family!!
    Mom to Rachel 33, Bethany 30, Rebekah 30, Zachrey 20 and several angel babies
    Grandma to Larissa 11, Brittney 11, Trevor 11, Destiny 7, Jayvin 6, Jackxon 3, Kaleb Joshua Rian 1. Grandbaby #8, Sariah Grace born 11-17-16
  • TheMysticalOneTheMysticalOne Posts: 849 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words. It's been hard getting through this because so few people knew I was pregnant and even less knew I was TTC. It's such a relief to be able to get onto the forum and be able to talk to people who understand what I've gone through. I really appreciate that.

    I'm not sure what I'm going to do the next time around or if I'll be able to stand another full three cycles (doc recommended) waiting before I can start. That's soooo long of just waiting when all I want is a baby!! I'll be interesting to see what happens in a few months. I think if my donor is still available (since he's has multiple positive pregnancies now I'm doubting it) then maybe I'll go with him again. If he's gone to limited quantity then I won't use him.

    I've also been considering using a KD. I found one I like in my state through KDR, but it's still a while before I have to make up my mind for if that's what I decide to do. There's so much good and bad, both through using the bank and using a KD. So many decisions until then!
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