Hoping for a baby for our 5th anniversary....

ana8284

I had a lot of anxiety trying to sleep last night and this morning I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. I was so proud of myself I had done excellent this cycle until yesterday, now I feel like my world is collapsing all around me. I know it's still early I'm only at 8dpi, but for some reason having hope about this time hurts even worse. I have an appointment for acupunture tonight so I'm hoping that will help with the stress. Working in a hospital makes it even worse because all day there are pregnant women all around and babies being born and I want to be genuinely happy for all of those bringing life into the world, but sometimes it gets hard to contain the jealousy and sadness. The trigger shot finally tested all the way out this morning so at least I know it's gone should by the grace of God I test positive later. If there is anyone out there that reads this keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I could really use them right now.

Patienceisavirtue

Hi Ana8284- Just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and that I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I have/get a touch of anxiety myself and it can be overwhelming when I feel stressed. I hope the acupuncture helps some.

For me, I found that when I feel like I could just burst into tears, I give myself permission to cry and it is really helpful. Physiologically crying helps expel hormones through the tears and they build up in your brain (for both happy and sad tears). Getting that little bit of release helps me fall asleep easier, feel a little better, and be able to face the next day with a little less anxiety.

The ttc process really sucks and is an emotional roller coaster (especially if you are doing triggers and things like that- I have a friend who otherwise is perfectly fine, describes herself as bipolar on the trigger shot because it messes with her brain chemistry). Just know there are people who care and this process is not a reflection of who you are.

ana8284

Thanks Patienceisavirtue I appreciate your thoughts and kind words. The weird thing is the trigger in the past has made me all kinds of crazy with exaggerated "symptoms" etc this time there has been nothing which in a way I am grateful for but on the other hand makes me feel like it didn't work. I'm such a positive, optimistic person in my normal dealings but it seems like every time I get knocked on my butt at some point during the TWW.

ana8284

I'm so frustrated. On 8 DPI which was Thursday I tested my trigger out and decided I would wait until this morning at 10 DPI to actually start testing. Feeling a little defeated last night I decided to do a "trial run" with one of my Wondfo strips just so I wouldn't feel as disappointed this morning when all of a sudden up popped a faint second line. It was very light but was visible to the naked eye without squinting. While I knew there was a strong possibility it could be an evap, my test the day before with FMU had been stark white and now here was this line. I couldn't help but have a glimmer of hope. I stared at the test multiple times last night to make sure the line was still there until I could take another Wondfo and one of the Answer tests I had picked up with FMU this morning. I woke up to use the bathroom about 330 then my hope like the strip from last night faded. Both new tests this morning were as stark white as they were on 8dpi when I tested my trigger out. Realistically I know it's still early and there is still a chance but that evap really sucked. I couldn't really sleep the rest of the night I kept dreaming I had a positive pregnancy test just to wake up and realize it was a dream.

ana8284

Been feeling pretty crappy today, I don't know if it is AF coming on a little early or what. Yesterday I had weird cramping on and off all day right above my pubic bone. It was really dull I don't know if I can even call it cramping, but it was noticeable. Today I've been nauseous on and off, my breasts have started to get sore and I've got some very mild abdominal cramping. The test from the other night is still really bugging me. I looked at it again today and I really don't think it was an evap line. I'm not saying that I am/was pregnant, but I don't know if maybe there was some of the trigger shot left that didn't show up on the previous morning's test or what. It was the same thickness as the control line and the same pink/purplish color. I just wish I could feel better now, I've been on the sofa all day...blah!

ana8284

Feeling even worse today. I woke up super hot and incredibly nauseous, took another test BFN so I'm guessing at this point my hormones are in overdrive gearing up for AF. Had to call in to work today though because I feel so poorly.

ana8284

So I'm feeling quite a bit better this morning, still a little nauseous and crampy but nothing too terrible. Losing hope though, yesterday I actually felt like maybe there was a chance that there is a little bean in there, I had a couple more "very faint positives" on the Wondfos so I picked up a box of FRER to test with this morning BFN. I'm thinking I might have a bad batch of Wondfo's as they are very inconsistent. Yesterday my cramps were pretty strange felt more like pulling and pressure paired with bloating as opposed to tightening cramps that I normally get. Alas this morning the tightening cramps started. They are very mild, but I feel pretty sure that the wicked witch will come right on time tomorrow.

ana8284

14dpi and still no AF, but still no positive HPT either. I feel like she is going to come at any minute, I wore a pad to bed last night because she usually arrives when I get up in the middle of the night to pee, but nada. I keep running to the bathroom feeling like I've started and nothing in sight. I'm pretty crampy though especially in my low back so I don't have any doubts that she is on her way, just wish we could go ahead and get the inevitable out of the way at this point.

ana8284

Well cramping started pretty instense about an hour ago and now I've got some spotting so she should be here in full force by morning. Another try bites the dust. This month will likely be our last try for the year, we may start moving towards the adoption route if this month's IUI doesn't pan out. Giving up the idea of being pregnant is really tough on me though.

ana8284

I have to say that I think I have had the worse PMS that I have ever had this cycle. If I cramp at all it's maybe for an hour or so the day before/day that AF starts. I felt so bad on Monday I couldn't even go to work, and then had the horrible gas experience on Tuesday, was crampy yesterday and today I have been really crampy and my low back is killing me. All of this is very very unusal for me. Maybe a sign my hormones are getting stronger? I don't know but I do know that I expected to be a lot more emotional with this failed cycle, but thankfully I'm not. Of course I'm sad, but I think I kind of knew from the get go this one wasn't going to be it (though some very mean Wondfo's got my hopes up a couple of times!). Called my RE's office this morning to let them know that I started and get my Clomid refilled, in the midst of conversation I told the NP that this was my 7th failed IUI (my second RE so they haven't done them all) and she decided she wanted to talk to the doctor to see if we wanted to do anything different this time. SO now I'm just waiting for her to call back. Part of the reason I switched to this RE is because the practice had a grant that allowed for injectibles to be purchased for like $10 so I was really happy to know if we got to the point of trying them, we would actually be able to afford them. Unfortunately when I asked about them last month I was told that the grant ran out a few weeks prior and that they had been trying to renew it but with no luck so far. So at this point injectibles are not an option and we can't afford IVF so if this try doesn't work, we are going to have to have a serious conversation about next steps. This is also my last vial with the donor we bought from NW so we will probably need to switch that up too if we decide to move forward with insemenations.

ana8284

So AF started yesterday and I immediately called my doctor to let him know we were out again, got my clomid refilled and scheduled my U/S. But then I started researching about natural ways to help with PCOS and read about a supplement called DIM. After reading many positive things about it, I ordered a bottle for overnight delivery from Amazon and should get it today. I'm really excited about trying it but now I'm at a crossroads.

Because both it and Clomid restrict excess estrogen, they shouldn't be taken at the same time, so do I sit this cycle out and give the DIM time to build up in my system or do I go ahead and shell out $180 for an U/S with the possibility it hasn't had enough time to build up yet and have to cancel IUI (which I'm fine doing but don't necessarily want to spend the money unneccessarily). But then I keep thinking, I generally ovulate on my own the month after Clomid anyway without taking it so maybe the DIM would just be a boost?

I had finally gotten to a peaceful place after my IUI failure this month now I'm just confused about which direction to take! After reading the articles I found about the DIM my DW thinks we should just sit this month out and try again in July, which part of me is okay with but then I think well what if the DIM doesn't work for me and then we have to wait another month, and then if the DIM does work for me judging by my cycles we would be finding out near my birthday the first week of August, which would be the best gift ever if it's a BFP, but I've had a BFN show up on my birthday before and that really sucked.

ana8284

My body is not reacting well to this cycle. So yesterday AF came but was kind of slow to start then picked up a bit (I don't bleed very heavily anyway) but was mostly just a dark red with clots when I wiped not too heavy on my pads. Up until about a couple of hours ago there really wasn't anything on my pad and when I wipped it was just brown. It's gone back a bit to the red with clots, but my back is still killing me and I'm still having cramps and nausea today. I never really have issues with AF, other than coming when I don't want her to, she's generally pretty kind to me and I don't have a lot in the way of cramps etc. This cycle however has definitely been the exception, I was having PMS for 3 days before she started and now I can't seem to shake the cramps and backache!

ana8284

So due to needing to sign apparently for my order of DIM that I paid to have shipped overnight, my shipment will not arrive until today which is CD5 so my DW and I agreed we would just go ahead and start the Clomid on Saturday so I wouldn't miss my window to take it. Maybe it's a sign that I was supposed to stick with it for 1 more month, who knows?

ana8284

Hormones are the worst... I mean the best I love you hormones please work this month to help me produce a baby! However hormones have not been kind to me lately. I have had this weird cramping on my left side off and on since Friday then last night I went to the bathroom and noticed two small drops of blood in my panties, when I wiped there was more. Nothing crazy or anything just a watery blood which continued for the next few hours then stopped as quickly as it came. No positive OPK yet (not that I would expect one yet) but have my u/s on Wednesday which is CD 14 to see where we are and plan our trigger shot and IUI. Definitely going to do a 36 hour IUI this time as we've always done it a bit earlier. DW and I had a talk over the weekend about our next steps if this try doesn't work. It's hard to come to the realization that we have already poured thousands of dollars into this and have nothing to show for it and it may be time to move on.

ana8284

I'm pretty upset and disappointed this morning. I went in to have our CD14 ultrasound to hopefully prepare for trigger and IUI and all I had were my tiny PCOS follicles no actual measurable follicles. I held it together while in the office but got quite teary once we got in the car. It just seems like there is set back after set back and it makes me feel like this is never going to happen. I don't know why my body doesn't cooperate with me. I'm still having quite a bit of cramping, nothing unbareable or anything, but I don't know where it's coming from. My doc wasn't concerned about it or the bleeding I experienced on Sunday said that it can be caused by estrogen, but I just wish if I wasn't actually going to be able to TTC that I wouldn't have issues with my body. I had to come to work after my appointment and it's going to be tough to get through the day without breaking down again, but I'll get through somehow.

ana8284

Well the tides have turned a bit. Last night I started getting EWCM and this mornign there is quite a bit of it. I have a call in to my doctor and I am waiting to hear back to see if he wants to do another U/S. What a difference 6 days can make! Now I'm a bit freaked out about how to time though especially if the doc doesn't want us to do the trigger shot for some reason and even if he does since I'm close to surging on my own should we go earlier or stick to our original 36 hours after plan? So many decisions! Oddly enough I got a text from my friend last night asking if we were available for dinner on Saturday as the gentleman we are considering for a known donor will be in town and wanted to get together to talk. Maybe my getting ready to surge now is a sign that we should stick with the cryobank donor? I don't know but I do know I'm probably over thinking things yet again. Doc just called and wants me to come in at 10:30 for an u/s. Fingers crossed that things look good and we can figure out a good course of action!

ana8284

U/S today showed an 18mm follicle! I don't think I've ever been so excited about ovulation haha. Trigger tonight at 10pm and insemination on Thursday at 10am!

ana8284

IUI #7 completed this morning! I have to say that it was probably the worst one I've had so far. I have a bump behind my gums and the dentist couldn't see me until tomorrow morning so I was uncomfortable. Then I've been having an IBS flare up since last night so my tummy wasn't feeling too good. My doc couldn't get the catheter in because of the tilt of my cervix so he had to use the tanaculum again and pinch my cervix. Needless to say I wasn't super happy go lucky. But I do feel very grateful to have had the opportunity to try again this month. Trying to keep my stress levels down, we decided we were going to try to list our house and buy in a better school district while the market is still good but the realtor came by today and because we have had several foreclosures in our area, we are upside down with our mortgage. We are getting an appraisal done to see if we do better with it than the Comparative Market Analysis, but nothing is guaranteed, that's for sure! Hoping for an easy 2 week wait, a BFP and a good appraisal!

ana8284

Well here we are 4dpi. It's been a very busy weekend trying to get the house ready for the appraiser to come on Wednesday so that was good. I'm really trying hard to keep my mind off of the TWW as much as possible and the house thing has been a welcome distraction. My mom and sister are coming to visit Thursday for the 4th and we are supposed to go to a local amusement park. I asked the doctor about rides and he said just to keep them small since there really aren't any studies about riding rides during the TWW. I hope to still have a good time. They won't ride any big rides anyway so it shouldn't be an issue. My nips were pretty tender when I woke up this morning. I'm trying not to read into anything as I've had every "symptom" in the book with previous cycles and have yet to have a BFP but it is kind of weird, it's kind of late to be from ovulation and it's pretty early to being AF related so I'm just going to chalk it up to all of the hormones running through my body from the trigger shot and clomid earlier in the month.

ana8284

Having a bit of self doubt and anxiety today for some reason. I think I just feel like I'm destined to be disappointed again. I really hope that is not the case, but just feeling a litle down. A friend whom I haven't seen in a few months came by last night and she started talking about how several of our college friends are pregnant with their second or third child and how everytime she hears about someone she can't help but think about my DW and I and how great we will be as parents and how unfair it is that it hasn't happened for us yet. I was telling her how if the next couple of times don't work we will probably start down the adoption route and she kept saying "no you can't give up you are going to have a baby of your own". While I appreciate her positivity I think it started me on the self doubting route again because no one can guarantee that I will ever be pregnant or give birth. I read a quote recently that said "Faith in God also means faith in his timing." I am trying so hard to stick to those words and keep the faith that it will happen, but some days it's just so hard to do.

ana8284

Good news today in case this cycle didn't work, the clinic that I go to got their fertility drug grant funding back so I can move on to injectibles if need be and actually be able to afford them! The pens are about $10 each which of course is so much better than several hundred dollars. I'm really hoping to not need them, but if I do at least I know they are there. I'm feeling a bit better today, had a bit of bloating and cramping yesterday but I'm trying not to read into anything. I'm only 6dpi today but it's taking everything in my power to not pee on something. I'm used to testing my trigger out which I think is probably really just an excuse to test daily for me, but I'm really trying to not test at all until at least 13dpi. In other news the house appraisal was completed today and the appraiser loved it so I'm hopeful that comes back where we need it to.

ana8284

I'm trying so hard to stay positive, keep my mind off of things and not symptom spot. My nips started getting sore at 4dpo but as of this morning they stopped. I'm thinking it was just ovulation soreness and I'm trying to keep my head up that maybe it doesn't mean anything but I'm so afraid of being disappointed again.

ana8284

My mom is here visiting and must have asked me 3 or 4 times already if I'm pregnant. I haven't told her we insemmed again and I plan to keep it that way for now. She thinks just because I pee a lot and have been tired today that I'm with child (which I hope I am but both of those things are normal for me ). I hope I can give her good news soon but in the meantime I'm trying to keep my sanity and not read into things especially things that are normal for me any way!

ana8284

So I caved and tested BFN. I know it's only 10dpi and I'm not completely out yet, this process is just so trying. I'm trying to remain patient and know when the time was right it will happen but I just don't know that I'm ready to face another birthday childless.

ana8284

Having a rough morning. BFN again today at 13dpo, AF due to rear her ugly head tomorrow. I just don't know if I can handle another round of treatment. This was my 7th IUI and I really thought this would be it. Physically, financially, emotionally I just don't think I can keep doing this. I'm a very optimistic happy person, but this process has shaken me to my very core. It's made me question my faith, especially after I saw not 1 but 2 stories on the news in the past 24 hours of parents killing their beautiful babies because they decided they didn't want them anymore. It just seems so unjust that these angels are given to parents who do not appreciate the gift they have been given and those of us who want a child more than anything cannot conceive. I'm going to set up an appointment with one of our local adoption agencies and maybe get the process started there as much as it kills me to give up on having a child of my own, I just don't know that I can do this anymore.

ana8284

Well so far I'm in a better place than I was Wednesday even though my hormones are playing serious tricks on me and it's not cool. So I'm 15dpi today and AF has yet to arrive. I took another HPT this morning negative so I called the doctor and they sent me for a blood draw. Several hours later, BFN. If I don't start by Tuesday they want me to come get checked out. I feel mostly okay but have had some mild cramping since 10dpi and I cannot shake this runny nose and sneezing (even though I feel fine). I am kicking myself however for being stupid and impatient and performing a "Q-Tip Test" this morning which I've done before but always sitting on the toilet and today I did it standing up and accidentally started putting it in the wrong hole and now my pee burns like crazy. Hopefully it will subside soon, as it is definitely adding insult to injury.

ana8284

AF finally decided to grace me with her presence this morning. Just glad to get the wondering out of the way! Now to figure out next steps.

ana8284

Well we went to a consultation meeting with a local adoption agency last night and to say I am overwhelmed is severly an understatement. We went to an open Q&A forum a few months back so we knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, but boy I was not expecting all that came with it. Granted I fully understand why they have to do what they do and I think it's very important, but just coming off of another disappointment from IUI I don't think I was fully prepared or ready to be bombarded with all of the information I received. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess, but I should have waited another week or so instead of going in with emotions still raw. We are meeting our potential known donor on the 26th which is exciting and nerve wrecking all at the same time. I feel like I'm going on a first date or something. I'm just feeling really battered and bruised and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever become a mother, if it's even in the cards for me. Working in a hospital definitely doesn't help. I'm not an envious person by nature but seeing pregnant women and babies all day really takes its toll. Just feeling really defeated and hopeless which is not the type of person I want to be. Thank God my area RESOLVE meeting is tonight.

ana8284

I really don't know what to do. I haven't even been able to look at the adoption folder since I opened it and looked at it for a few minutes on Monday. And then I just got an e-mail from my friend that just adopted last week outlining all of the ins and outs they went through in the adoption process and it makes me feel like my head is going to explode. Every hour of every day I think about having a family and I just can't imagine not trying to adopt at this point in time but at the same time the thought of going through all of this makes me feel ill. I'm so overwhelmed it's not even funny. I'm not a quitter but I just don't think I can keep doing fertility treatments and getting nowhere. I would be willing to try IVF but it's of course not guaranteed either and financially we can't afford to spend all of that money on something that may not happen. I went to my RESOLVE meeting last night and it was going to get all of my feelings out on the table, but then I heard the stories of the other women there all of them had been through multiple fertility treatments including IVF and all of them had miscarried on multiple occassions. I just can't imagine what going through that does to you especially more than once. I find myself becoming bitter and synical which I hate more than anything. The see the optimistic and hopeful person that I normally am slipping further and further away and I don't know how to get her back.

merilung

Hi there! Just wanted to chime in and let you know that I feel for you - I often feel like my personality has been destroyed by my infertility and that I'm a cynical and angry person now. We looked into adoption awhile ago and the most helpful resources for us were adoptive families magazine and the book 'you can adopt!' - we ultimately decided that adoption isn't for us and began treatment with an RE, but those things really helped me sort out my feelings and feel less overwhelmed in my adoption research.