Hoping for a baby for our 5th anniversary....

ana8284

6dpi today, getting closer to knowing whether or not this time was successful! Still feeling good, nips still sore but don't seem to be quite as sore as they were (although the right one is much more sore than the left haha). The only thing that is really bugging me right now is that the roof of my mouth keeps itching. Mostly at night for the last two nights but it's doing it again today, I've woken myself up the last two nights scratching it with my tounge. While of course I've had a tickle or two before, I don't remember ever having this. Dr. Google says that it's allergy related but I don't have any known allergies and I haven't eaten anything different etc. It's so annoying especially at night! Anywho, here's hoping to some positive news in a few days. I keep daydreaming about announcing my pregnancy on Christmas Eve with my family and how I would go about surprising my mom, but then the other part of me has to bring myself back down to Earth.

ana8284

7dpi today, I know it's way to early and I shouldn't have but I tested on one of my IC's this morning. BFN of course, but I have an addiction to peeing on things haha. My nips are continuing to get less sensitive but the right one is still pretty tender when touched. As much as I try not to pay attention to signs (since I've had every one in the book), i'm hoping that this isn't a bad sign. Hope is a strange thing, on one hand it's the most empowering thing you can have, on the other it's the most debilitating. My sister-in-law is being induced today so our first niece should be here any time now, and as excited as I am to meet her, it still shakes my soul that she is coming from a 19 year old who had no intentions of getting pregnant right now.

ana8284

8dpi- well nips have officially stopped hurting so officially no "symptoms". I know it's early but as I said before I have a POAS addition, BFN again but I keep getting evap lines on the ICs so that stinks. As of 12:52 this morning my wife and I officially became aunts, so we are heading down there today after work to get some baby cuddles.

I did have one piece of excellent news yesterday, my wife and I were chosen to be a featured couple in a local 5k fundraising race called the Race to Parenthood. All of the proceeds are divided among the featured couples for fertility treatments or adoption. We are so thrilled that we might actually be able to afford IVF if we don't succeed with our KD. It's so great and such an honor to be chosen, we are also the first LGBT couple to be chosen so that is a huge honor. At least if things don't work out we have some added hope!

Our profile hasn't been added yet, but here is info on the race!
http://theracetoparenthood5k.com/

ana8284

9dpi and had a pretty significant temp drop this morning. But I'm trying not to read to much into it as this is the first cycle I have charted where we actually insemenated, and I took my temperature the first time I woke up to use the bathroom this morning at 3am where as I usually will go to the bathroom between 2-4:30 and then take my temp when I get up at 6:30. But I took it yesterday at 4:30 (the second time I got up to use the bathroom) so I think the info may be skewed. Otherwise nothing of note, trying to keep spirits high but not expecting too much out of this cycle. In other news we met our niece last night and she is adorable!

ana8284

I know I shouldn't be quite yet, but I'm feeling pretty discouraged today. While I know an implantation dip isn't exactly scientific and can happen even if you aren't pregnant, I really expected to have a higher temp when I temped this morning and was really hopeful to maybe get my BFP tomorrow or Monday. However my temp was even lower this morning (97.90 yesterday 97.77 today) so my optimism is going down a bit. I will say though it seems a bit early for my temp to be dropping. I'm only on CD 10 today and while this is my first time charting that we've actually tried, I have temped regularly for the past couple of months to try to get the hang of it and my temp didn't drop until a minimum of the day before my period. Needless to say BFN this morning. Just so happy that I have the race in the next few months, knowing that financial support will be there is huge for me. One of my sorority sisters is getting married this evening, so at least it will be good to hang out with some old friends for a while tonight.

ana8284

So trying not to get my hopes up, I feel like I would be crushed if I did. So temp went back up this morning paired with the faintest second line on an IC definitely different than the evaps I've been seeing on them. However I dipped a FRER in the same urine and it was stark white. I had this happen a couple of months back on an IC and then nada so I'm just praying I'm not setting myself up for another disappointment. Please keep me in your thoughts/prayers that this isn't a fluke!

Patienceisavirtue

Thinking of you!!! I hope that internet cheapie isn't a lying SOB.

merilung

FX for you!!!

ana8284

I should have known it was too good to be true and as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, of course I did anyway. I dreamed of waking my wife up this morning to announce to her it had finally worked and that we were going to be moms. Instead, I woke up to a huge temperature drop AGAIN (98.23 yesterday, 97.77 today) and a stark white test. This never gets any easier, every time we try I think "okay I know what to expect now and I'm not going to drive myself crazy", just to end up testing and getting disappointed and reading into things. I wish I didn't have to go to work today, I could really use a few more hours in bed. I'm 12 dpo today, so I guess I will just be expecting AF in a couple of days. Just praying for strength and to not lose faith.

merilung

Hugs for you sweetie!!! This stuff is so hard. After TTC for over 7 years I'm still thrown for a loop sometimes!!

ana8284

Thanks merilung, I appreciate the support. So temp dropped even more this morning indicating to me that it really is over. AF should be here tomorrow. I was grasping at straws yesterday after the temp drop thinking that maybe I was just cold as the temperature had dropped quite a bit. But this morning I felt plenty warm when I woke up and my temp was still lower so I think it is definitely right. As difficult as it is to know that there will be more waiting for my dreams to come true, I think this experience has been good for me. I hate to admit that I've had a couple of months where I gave been so convinced that I have continued to believe that I might be pregnant even after my period had started so having this extra confirmation I think will be good for my crazy.

ana8284

Well temp officially dropped below cover this morning and I'm expecting AF any second. I'm okay though, I feel a lot better than I did the other day, I think I had just a glimmer of hope with the temp drop and rise and then the shadow of the line that same day. I had my RESOLVE meeting last night so that definitely helped some too. I think that we will try with the known donor again next month and then probably wait until after the race so we can possibly begin pursuing IVF at that time. I am however going to call my doctor as soon as AF starts and insist that I have more tests run. Other than an HSG I've never had a single test run to check progesterone levels etc. I think that both of the RE's I've been to just run under the assumption that I just don't have access to sperm and that's the reason I haven't gotten pregnant, which may be the case but before we dive into IVF etc I want to know for sure that there is nothing else going on that might be an easier fix.

ana8284

15dpo today still no AF but temp is even lower today. I've definitely come to the conclusion that I'm not going to get my BFP this month, but I just wish my body would stop being so screwy. It's funny because I actually worried that I might get an invalid higher reading this morning because we just turned the heat on for the first time in the house last night, but no, even lower than yesterday. But I guess in some ways that is a good thing so I didn't get any false hope. This temping thing is for the birds! Come on AF, let's get this over with so I can get some tests run and hopefully get some answers!

ETS- AF finally came this afternoon. Now just waiting on the doctor's office to call me back so that I can get my testing set up.

ana8284

I think the day after AF starts is the hardest for me. Leading up to AF when I'm realitively certain that I did not succeed I can't wait for it just to start to get it over with. The day after though I think the emotions come to the surface a bit. I'm set up for CD3 testing in the morning. While a part of me doesn't want them to find anything wrong, the other part of me thinks maybe if they find something that we can maybe do something to help it. I saw this poem/song on another website today and it made me tear up a bit.

Thought You'd Be Here

We thought you'd be here by now
your Mother and I
We're praying through our tears
that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It's getting harder to be strong
Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme
and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your Mother will make your
imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you, upstairs
It's right down the hall
So we'll be close should you ever
get scared
We'll come when you call
It's a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold

And if you like laughing
I'll paint you a circus of smiles
and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your Mother will fly you to
worlds both far and near
Somehow.....

I never knew the silence
could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could
miss someone I never met
Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting


Words and music by Wes king

ana8284

Well CD 3 blood work came back fine which I expected, with PCOS I don't have a problem making estrogen! Really intersted to see what happens in a few weeks with my later test to measure my progesterone. I'm a little concerned that I might have a cyst however. Ever since ovulation I have had cramping on and off low on my left side it really hasn't happened on the right at all, just the left so I'm a little concerned. I'm sure it's probably nothing just weird that it's still happening and I'm already done with my period. Emotions are still kind of up and down, I've done pretty well this cycle emotionally but every now and then I think about something baby related and find myself tearing up a bit. Trying to keep the faith that it will happen one way or the other!

ana8284

I got to see my numbers from my CD3 tests today and they actually looked really great once I did some research on them. I'm happy that they look good but it's also frustrating not knowing what's going on. My FSH number registered as "excellent" so that really makes me happy. I started Pregnitude this month so we will see what if anything that does to help, although (sorry for TMI) it is making me super gassy and has come with increased urination for me! Starting back to the gym today and working on getting back to the excellent eating habits I had about a month ago. I also ordered an at home SpermCheck Fertility test for our KD. While I know it won't tell us everything, hopefully it will give us a good idea if at least things appear to be working as they should. I also ordered "The Stork Conception Aid" today to see if it will work better than the soft cup at getting things as close as possible to my cervix. I figured that if things don't look good with our KD we can at least order 1 vial and try that way. November will likely be our last try for the year and if things don't work we will probably just wait until the race in April so we can start looking at IVF. Part of me says just to wait and not give myself more potential heart ache until then, but the other part of me says "one more time" afterall it would be great to be able to give up our spot early in the game to another couple who needs the help!

ana8284

Quick entry today: I got to thinking about it this morning that if I get pregnant this month, I would be due in August which is my birthday month so I got curious and looked it up, if I ovulate and get pregnant on my "normal" ovulation day (I use that word very lightly) I would be due on my actual birthday. Wow, what an amazing gift that would be!

ana8284

So it looks like my body wants to cooperate this month and ovulate at a normal 14 day or so schedule. Normally that would be really exciting for me but not this month. Our KD is on vacation until Saturday out which does not look good for trying this month. I'm on CD12 today and started getting EWCM yesterday. It's not abundant yet, but I don't normally get it until a couple of days before ovulation. In better news we met the other couples and our mentor couple for the Race to Parenthood last night and they are all really cool people. They were super welcoming and accepting of us being the only same sex couple which was really awesome. Progress marches on!

ana8284

Normally I would be ecstatic to ovulate on CD14 as that never happens for me, but of course our donor is out of town this week so no try for us this month! Will be having CD21 testing on the 12th so I'm interested to see how that turns out. Better luck next month I guess!

ana8284

So I ended up having a temp drop on CD16 and FF just gave me my crosshairs today of ovulating on day 16 not day 14. I had positive OPKs the evening of CD13 and all day on CD14, but CD15 it was negative and my EWCM had mostly dried up. Judging from previous charts I usually ovulate on the earlier end of my surge but this would have been a full 48 hours later. Have I maybe been inseminating too early? My period (except for that one time) has been 14 days after ovulation which would say to me that I ovulated when I thought I did, but maybe I have a shorter luteal phase and ovulate later? When we used the known donor last month we inseminated the evening of the LH surge (it was almost positive the night before so it very well could have been 24 hours later) and then the following day. The following day had very little "product" so I didn't have much faith in that "deposit". I just ordered some of the pink CB ovulation tests to see if maybe those will work better for me. I used the CBFM for the 1st year and a half of trying and didn't get anywhere, but I also didn't use the IC's in conjunction with them so testing 1st thing in the morning may have not been the best for that. I just wish my body could like start vibrating or something when it's time for ovulation and take this guess work out of it!

ana8284

Went this morning for my CD21 test, hopefully it's not too early since FF has me ovulating later than I expected. Very anxious to see what they come back with. While I don't want there to be anything wrong, on the other hand I'd like some answers. I know the amount of tries we have done do not come close to comparing to what some of you have been through, I just feel like I've done everything that I know to do to make this happen and it's still not happening.

ana8284

Anxiously waiting for my CD21 test results, still haven't heard anything!

ana8284

So CD21 test came back, progesterone level= 14.1 so they were really pleased with that. Said with that level I likely ovulated between day 12-14. On the one hand I'm happy that things look good, on the other hand I just wish I had an answer as to why it hasn't happened yet. Oh well, will keep plugging along!

ana8284

Well AF started today so that tells me one of two things, either I ovulated when I thought I did on day 14 or my luteal phase has shortened. Due to my progesterone test paired with my CM and OPK I'm going with day 14. Now to see what my crazy body does this month when we are due to try again. It's definitely been more difficult than I thought trying with a known donor, just schedule wise since he is about 2 hours away. My wife owns a pet sitting/dog walking business so it's really hard to schedule things with that. This is her first year doing it and I have to say it's been really trying. On one hand I am incredibly proud of her for taking a leap of faith for something she has always wanted to do and becoming pretty successful in the meantime. On the other hand it's been very difficult to plan things as unfortunately people aren't always the most considerate and book services at the last minute. Since she is still building the business she never tells anyone no. And then there are those who want her to spend the night with their dogs and my favorite, the lady who wants her to spend the night with her cats. I was prepared for growing pains and to make sacrifices I just didn't quite expect them to be so often especially now that we are trying to plan how to get to see our family for Thanksgiving because one of her clients seriously cannot bear the thought of leaving her dog alone for 5 hours until she gets home. We have always had a near perfect relationship, we never fight and have always been genuinely happy. I'm not saying that we aren't now, I've just noticed that we've been getting more testy with each other and I hate that more than anything. We'll get through it though and hopefully be stronger than ever!

ana8284

So it's been a little while since I wrote last, I've been trying to distance myself a little from the TTC world and calm my nerves a bit. I've actually done pretty well, while babies are always in the back of my mind, I've been able to push forward a bit and refocus myself. I haven't been temping, just started OPKs a couple of days ago and have just been taking Pregnitude and my traditional supplements instead of consulting Dr. Google about the latest and greatest miracle drug. It's hard sometimes but I'm really trying to stop obsessing over it and see what happens. I did have a weird occurance this morning which caused me to get a little worked up but I'm doing well now. So this is the first month I tried the pink Clearblue digitals. So today is CD14 and I got a smiley this morning. While I did surge on CD14 last month, I had all of the typical symptoms the EWCM, slight cramping etc. this month there has been nothing so far so I was immediately leary of that. I called my doctor's office when they opened and asked if they could fit me in for an ultrasound. I was scheduled for 1pm. In the meantime I took two cheapie OPKs (later in the morning after a 2.5 hour hold) and both (different brands) were negative. At the doctor's office, my uterine lining looked good and they found 1 follicle on the left side, but it only measured 14mm which indicated that the OPK was a false positive. So glad I went before we disrupted everyone's schedule and made the 2 hour drive to our KD. My wife and I are going to have a talk about the KD situation tonight as well. He is planning on coming down here this weekend if I surge, but this arrangement really isn't working as much as I would like it to. My wife is self employed and it's really hard for her to break away for hours or days at the time without advance notice and our KD works for the government so his schedule is often very hectic. If all goes well we will try in a few days but after this I don't know that we can continue this. I did talk to my doctor briefly about IVF this morning, cost alone scares the heck out of me as I don't want to try it unless I can do the shared risk program. We are already going to have to finance this and if it doesn't work we wouldn't be able to finance again towards adoption.

ana8284

Got my surge a little bit ago, our donor is coming into town tonight and we will insem in the morning! Trying to remain calm!

ana8284

My heart has been heavy this weekend. An acquaintance from high school's 3 year old daughter passed away on Friday night after a short viral infection. While I never had the pleasure of meeting this sweet girl, her energy bounced off the screen of my facebook page regularly and you could tell how loved she was. I just can't imagine losing a child, especially after all that we have been through trying to create our family. My heart grieves for her parents and for a life cut short so unexpectedly.

We did do our insemination Saturday morning, more on that later, for now I just ask that you keep this family in your thoughts and prayers.

ana8284

4dpo today, not much going on here. Trying just to keep busy with other things and not think about it. So here's the story of our insemination this month.

I got my LH surge about 10:30 Friday morning, we had already arranged for our donor to come down that night so we could inseminate the next morning. He arrived at our house just before 9 on Saturday morning and went in the other room and got to business. We tried The Stork OTC this month which is essentially a cervial cap with a placement wand. The cup is inside a collection condom and worked out much better for our donor than aiming for the cup. So anyway, he brought out the specimen and we raced to get it into the wand but we couldn't get the cup to go in. Turns out the inner piece that holds the cup that attaches a string to the cup for removal was already closed and could not be reopened. We rushed and poured the specimen into a soft cup and just did the insemination that way. Luckily the company was really nice and is sending me a replacement as I was really upset that I spent the money on a defective product.

I'm not holding much stock in this go around especially after all the hiccups, but I guess only time will tell!

ana8284

Well tested today 10dpo, BFN. I don't know why I keep driving myself crazy, I keep thinking I see a shadow of a line, but I know that it's just that a shadow. It doesn't stop me from starring at it for minutes at a time though. I didn't hold much stock in this go around anyway, and I know that it's still early but I'm pretty sure AF will be here by the weekend. I don't know if my ovulation hormones weren't very strong this cycle or what as other than having a little bit of extra CM, I haven't had any of my normal after ovulation "symptoms", no tender breasts, nothing. Oh well, will wait it out a few more days, then on to the next!

ana8284

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I think I need to be sent to the loony bin....

So let me preface this by saying, emotionally, I think that I have done the best I have ever done this cycle. Definitely a plus. I'm not symptom spotting at all and overall I've been pretty upbeat. I have however been staring at pregnancy tests expecting a line to show up that never does.

Over the past couple of days I've had several evap lines and I keep waiting for them to turn pink. They never do. That of course doesn't stop me from starring at it for 20 minutes and pulling them back out of the trash later to reexamine. They are evap lines, I know they are evap lines but it doesn't stop me from looking. I finally broke down and took a FRER tonight just to confirm, still negative.

I think that in part is what TTC is, pure insanity yet sometimes just sometimes things do turn out differently. Just praying for the day when it will finally be my turn.