Hoping for a baby for our 5th anniversary....

ana8284 · November 2015

I can't believe it will be December tomorrow, this year seems to have flown by. My grandma passed away peacefully on the 18th. The past two weeks have definitely been rough but I've been comforted in knowing she is no longer suffering. Today is my first day back at work since then and my anxiety has definitely been a bit high this morning just trying to get back into the swing of things. Thanksgiving was a bit rough as on top of my grandma passing the week before there were not one, not two but four Facebook pregnancy announcments. I've gotten better about not getting jealous of pregnancies but just kind of felt like a double whammy since I wanted more than anything for my grandma to be able to meet our baby. Just trying to pull myself up though and get back to a better place before TTC again.

b&kmakebabies · November 2015

Sorry about your grandmother, but I am glad she is no longer suffering. My wife's grandfather passed right before Thanksgiving this year too, so I feel you...

ana8284 · December 2015

Thank you b&k and my condolences to you and your wife for your loss. Best wishes for your December try.

ana8284 · December 2015

Yesterday began the daunting process of going through applications for the 2016 Race to Parenthood. Because we were a "Featured Couple" this year, this year's teams select the couples to be chosen for the fundraising opportunity in the Spring. This year we had close to 20 applications for only 5 slots. All identifying information is removed and we only choose based on the applicants story then we send in our top 3 picks. Man I never thought it would be so hard, not one couple is more "deserving" than the next, no story more heartwrenching than an another. Basically my wife and I read through each story only one time and picked the three that stood out to us the most and didn't think twice about it. We could go back and forth forever if we did that! So time will tell once the other couples come back with their choices then we will be assigned a couple to mentor as they prepare for next year's race. It's exciting to be able to help someone else the way that we were helped. While we haven't crossed the finish line yet, I would never trade the experience of having so much family and friend support to try to help us get there.

ana8284 · December 2015

Well fast forward two days from my last post and I get the call that my uncle has passed away. Two days after that, my cousin whom I'm really close to is in a serious car accident. Luckily she was okay but boy it has been a challenging couple of months that is for sure. My diet and exercise plan went out the window and now I find myself not only not losing but also have gained back a few pounds. I'm trying to get back on track again now but my anxiety has been really bad lately. I really want to lose at least 20 pounds before we try again since it's going to be my last try. I go for my physical on Friday with a new PCP so I'm hoping to discuss all of these issues with her and come up with a game plan. Here's hoping for smooth sailing for the next couple of months! I don't think my nerves can take too much more.

b&kmakebabies · December 2015

I totally feel you...this month has been full of bad things. I hope you find a way to relieve some anxiety!

ana8284 · December 2015

Part of me feels like a horrible person today, the other part feels liberated. My anxiety has been really bad lately to the point where I'm on medication again for the first time in over 10 years. A little backstory my mother and father divorced when I was under 2 years old. I remember nothing about him whatsoever. I do remember my mom crying at night because he was gone and no where to be found, and never paid child support. He would pop in every so often with a birthday or Christmas gift (by mail never in person) but they were very sporadic and few and far between. Fast forward to college, one of my sorority sister's dad passed away and made me decide I wanted to meet him. A couple of months later he flew out and we spent a long weekend together. It was awkward but fine and I was glad I did it. We kept in contact by email mostly and he even made my wedding dress from across the country which fit perfectly. Throughout the next 7 years we would email and text/call sometimes but I never saw him in person except for that one time. My father is a pretty flamboyant gay hispanic man and always referred to himself as "daddy". A few months ago after I hadn't responded to him in a while (we were really busy with selling our house etc.) he sent me this long text message about how I didn't care about him and how he wasn't going to try anymore and went on and on about how it wasn't his fault he wasn't in my life as a child. I was really honest with him and told him that it was hard for me to think of him as family at this point as we really hadn't even established a steady friendship yet, that didn't go over well. Then starting last night he starting copying and pasting the same status over and over again on facebook then sending it in a message to me then this morning editing it slightly and reposting over and over about how I may not think of him as a father but he loves me etc.. Finally I was at my breaking point and sent him a private message asking him to respectfully not broadcast our private business on facebook and asking him to give me a little time before I could continue with this conversation due to everything I'm going through right now but I would like to continue it at a later date. I got this long message back from him about how is not just my friend he is my father and he refuses to be ignored and it got my attention so he is going to continue to tell the world. Then a few minutes later he posted another status about it at which point I had to say I'm done and blocked him from all communication outlets. I just can't handle any more drama in my life right now. I don't ever want to be the source of anyone's pain but I have to take care of myself for once.

ana8284 · December 2015

Well it's been a couple of weeks since my last post, in that time I've started seeing a therapist that I really like, have started meditating again and am trying to get my life back on track. I've been reading a book that focuses on the prayer "Please heal my fear based thoughts". I keep repeating that over and over to myself. It's amazing how much of the negative emotions in our lives are based on fear. I go see my PCP and RE on 01/05 to follow up, I'm going to push for more thyroid testing. My TSH levels were 3.26 at my physical a few weeks ago but no one seems to think there is a problem with that even though they are at the top of the "normal" referrence range. My grandma had hypothyroidism and from everything I have read, levels that high are definitely not optimal for TTC and have a much higher chance of miscarriage. Hopefully they will agree to do a full thyroid panel if for nothing else to give me some peace of mind.

grovehill123 · January 2016

Try to get tested for the antibodies for Hashimotos. It could show an autoimmune issues. See an endocrinologist if you continue to have concerns with your thyroid. Best wishes.

ana8284 · January 2016

So to catch up, I had the testing done my TSH was up to 3.5 my T4 at 0.87 but I tested negative for thyroid antibodies so my RE basically said I was fine and sent me along my way. I already had an appointment set up with my Endo yesterday that I set up months ago and in reviewing my labs and all of my symptoms she decided to put me on a low dose of synthroid just to see if it helps improve my TSH and T4 levels and see if it helps me with my energy. While I'm not thrilled to be on medication, I'm glad that someone finally recognized that we should at least try SOMETHING to see if it makes a difference. I started the Synthroid this morning and will go back to test my levels at the beginning of April. Here's hoping I start feeling like a normal person instead of a zombie in the next few weeks!

ana8284 · January 2016

Short update today! For the first time since our last attempt in April I actually had a normal length ovulation cycle (for me at least). Ended up having EWCM for the past few days and showed an LH surge yesterday! Here's hoping my body is going to get back to some type of normalcy and I can start getting the weight off and push towards trying again in a couple of months. I also got a call today about a job interview, they wanted to bring me in tomorrow or Friday but I didn't want to give such short notice that I would be taking part of the day off so they are supposed to call me back Friday to set up an interview. Only time will tell if it is going to be a good fit for me but I finally got a boost of confidence that I've so desperately needed after not getting one single call in the past couple of years.

ana8284 · February 2016

So the job never called back, but after I did some more research on the company it seems like it would not have been a good fit any way. But no matter what, it helped give me a little boost of confidence which was good of course. I'm a bit discouraged financially now though, we are really trying to work on our eating habits (down almost 10 lbs in 2 weeks!) and I got a Larabar to try on Sunday. Well about 5 minutes after eating it I felt my throat getting itchy. I knew it wasn't a good sign so immediately took a Benadryl. A few minutes after that I was doubled over in pain with my stomach and running to the bathroom. Ended up in the ER with an allergic reaction to the cashews presumably (the only ingredients were cashews and dates) so now being the beginning of the plan year, I will be out my full $3000 deductible most likely which will completely diminish my FSA that we had planned to use for some of our TTC. I don't really like nuts so I don't eat them so that's the only thing I can think that it was but I have a full allergy test being run next week. Trying to remain positive just really stressed financially right now, we have a lot of things at the house that have to be done (doesn't include the things we WANT done) and now with this bill I'm not sure how we are going to pull it together for more than one try this year. Hopefully that will be all it takes since it will be my last try before moving to my wife but we really wanted to try with her a couple of times this year if it didn't work for me before exploring further options. Here's hoping that Lady Luck will grace us with her presence!

ana8284 · February 2016

I have got to start looking for a second job, really both of us do. We are just really struggling right now which is completely embarassing to me especially since if you looked at us on paper we don't look like we are doing too bad. We were talking about it this morning though that if we can't get out of some of the debt we have already created there is going to be no way we can afford to pay for child care. I'm grateful we have the money to pay our bills but a lot is being done at the minimum and we are never going to dig our way out that way. My wife is particularly struggling right now (we keep all but our household debt seperate), before she started her own company she got a pretty nice bonus every year which really helped us play catch up but now she isn't getting that so that has hurt her quite a bit. I'll be the first to admit that a good poriton of this is our own fault and now we are paying the price for it, but man between finances, still dealing with my grandma's passing and trying to get my mom into a job and an apartment my nerves are fried right now. I'm kind of glad we had decided to wait until later this year to try again, the thought of adding a second job is really making me anxious but it is going to have to be done, at least for a few months. In the same breath, I feel guilty that it seems like I'm complaining, I'm really not, I have so much to be thankful for and in the grand scheme of life what we are going through now is nothing compared to what others are dealing with. My nerves are just a bit frazzled, I'm a pretty anxious person in general so right now my brain feels like it needs a vacation from being an adult for awhile.

ana8284 · March 2016

Hard to believe I started this thread 2 years ago now. I wish I could say we had been successful in creating our family by now but unfortunately that has not been the case. We will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary next month. It's amazing how time flies. Next week we will have been together for 9 years. While we are definitely not where we thought we would be now, I am very happy and blessed with our life together, we both have good jobs, a nice house and have a deep amount of love for one another. I just got a second job so we can try to build up a savings again and pay off some debt. It's definitely not ideal, but I'm hoping by this time next year we are in a much better place. I'm hoping to try again over the summer for my last try. The main reason we are waiting is so that I can get my health and bank account in better shape but I know that part of me is avoiding it as well just being scared that it may not work. I'm trying to think positively though and keep the faith that by our 8th wedding anniversary, we will have either welcomed our little one or be getting ready for its arrival.

ana8284 · April 2016

I feel like this blog has become one negative thing after the other. I'm at work on my lunch break, feeling like I'm going to break down in tears at any moment. I'm really trying to stay positive and keep my head high but I feel like I'm drowning right now. I ended up coming to work late today because I found out last night that not only are we not getting any taxes back this year but we have to pay a nice chunk of change to the IRS, put that on top of a $3000 ER bill and the debt we already had and I just don't know how we are going to dig out. I'm exhausted from working 2 jobs and trying to help my wife keep our house running. At this rate I don't know how we are going to afford to try again this year. Once we finally get pregnant, there is no way one of us cannot work and right now we definitely can't afford child care.

I just don't know how we got this far in debt. Neither of us are extravagant people. Both of our cars are paid off, mine is a 99 and my wife's is an 03. Yes, we moved to a new house last year but there really is no difference in our monthly expenses as we have one less utility in the new house and the taxes are significantly lower. Seems like every time I get a little bit in savings something happens that blows it all away plus some.

Then, last week I started getting vulgar, harassing text messages from a former employee who has not been with my company for almost two years and then today another team member came at me with a terrible attitude 5 minutes after I walked in the door because of something she didn't like that happened before I even got here that was obviously my fault.

Anyway, I don't mean to complain, I just feel like the past 6 months have completely overwhelmed me. I want so badly to start back on our journey to becoming parents but right now financially it is just not an option. I feel like I am completely losing myself, my wife is an eternal optimist and has told me more often than I would like to hear that "she wants her old bubbly wife back". I want her back too. If anyone is reading this and believes in prayer, positive energy or whatever it is that you may believe and has a little bit of good vibes to share, I would definitely appreciate it.

ana8284 · May 2016

I long to feel life grow inside of me, to feel those first kicks to see you move inside of me.
I know it's not glamorous and is often uncomfortable, but my body yearns to be filled with new life.
I wait to hear that first sweet cry and look upon your face as our family becomes complete.
I ache to feel my your soft skin against mine and finally feel whole.
I hum lullabies to myself awaiting the day I can sing them aloud as you falls asleep in my arms.
I think about milestone events like your first steps and your first Christmas.
I dream about family pictures and your first trip to the beach.
We will have so many adventures together, and I will love you unconditionally until my dying day.
I know I was born to be a mother, and I don't know where you are but I'm holding out hope that soon, very soon, you will be in my arms as you are already in my heart.

Just needed to get some feelings out this morning. I found out last night that some friends of ours got pregnant on their first try and of course it hit me like a ton of bricks and brought all of the feelings of inadequacy back to the surface. But I'm trying to keep the faith and keeping my head up!

stateoflaura · May 2016

Wish you all the best! Hang in there! SMILE! We will be trying hopefully this month/this cycle for our first time. ICI! Keep all of us posted!

ana8284 · May 2016

stateoflaura wrote:

Wish you all the best! Hang in there! SMILE! We will be trying hopefully this month/this cycle for our first time. ICI! Keep all of us posted!

Thank you and best wishes for a lucky first cycle!

ana8284 · July 2016

I'm so excited! After years of looking for a new job, one kind of fell in my lap! One in which I will be able to work from home and not have to work two jobs. I will have to travel a couple of times a month which puts a bit of a wrinkle in my TTC efforts. I'm kind of at a loss of what to do at this point. We have to use our remaining race funds by October but with me not starting my job until late August, I don't know that it's going to really work out trying in September as I will be traveling a lot in the beginning for training. But the new job does offer adoption assistance, something my current job does not so I'm wondering if I should just do our last try, unassisted at home with the sperm already in storage and if it works out then it was what was meant to be. That way I can use our remaining funds to start our home study etc. for the adoption process. So many decisions, but for today I am just going to be happy that I have a new beginning coming my way!

b&kmakebabies · July 2016

Awesome news

Patienceisavirtue · July 2016

Go for it!

Hope you guys are doing well!

ana8284 · July 2016

Patienceisavirtue wrote:

Go for it!

Hope you guys are doing well!

Thank you! I hope you are also doing well! I'm sure E is huge now!

ahk00 · July 2016

This is great news

Patienceisavirtue · August 2016

ana8284 wrote:

Patienceisavirtue wrote:

Go for it!

Hope you guys are doing well!

Thank you! I hope you are also doing well! I'm sure E is huge now!

He really is! It's crazy how fast time goes by!

ana8284 · September 2016

So just a quick update. Started the new job last month, so far things are going well. Love working at home but I have done a lot of traveling this month. Next week is my last week scheduled to travel as of right now but will likely be traveling a week or so per month. As far as family building we have officially started the adoption process! Our application was mailed in on Monday and a check with our remaining race funds has been sent in for our home study. Still have 2 vials in storage that we plan to use probably after the first of the year but we will just be doing it at home with a midwife. I have gained so much weight and I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing/not doing that is causing the change. I always fluctuate a bit but I have gained about 40 lbs this year and am having a hard time getting any of it off. My eating definitely wasn't very good for awhile but I've really been making an effort to be better and am still not getting anywhere right now. Anyway all of that to say with the new job and the weight gain that is why we are waiting a bit to use our vials. Excited about starting the adoption process though it is also very scary!

Turtlehart · October 2016

I really hope adoption works out for you! Out of curiosity, have you ever had thyroid issues? I just had to have mine removed and the endocrinologist suggested that, although it was never off enough for medication (it was removed due to a benign mass), the "inefficient" functioning may have contributed to my fertility issues.
I empathize with you both so much as our timeline is very similar. There is nothing more difficult than watching people announce their pregnancy while you are struggling. I think of you all often and really pray that you will get your little one very soon. Keep hanging in there, venting, crying, and comforting one another.

ana8284 · October 2016

Hey Turtlehart! Time is ticking down for you two! Can't wait to see pics. Yes, I have had my thyroid tested. I'm borderline hypo, my RE wouldnt put me on meds but my regular endo did put me on a low dose. I haven't TTC since I've been on the meds, financially just couldn't bring myself to do it. We do still have a couple of vials in storage and plan to try at home maybe after the first of the year.

Turtlehart · October 2016

Today was his due date, but he is a no-show. They are giving him until the end of this week to come on his own, but have threatened induction next Monday or Tuesday if he doesn't.
Keep us posted on progress! I have not been on as much lately due to moving, surgery, and baby watch but still look out for the folks I have come to know!

kelleymel · October 2016

My wife had high thyroid and before we starting ttc again, she started synthoid. Hers is down to 1.3 now. Hopefully that's what the problem was. You might want to get it checked again before using your vials. I think the closer to 1 it is, the easier it is to get and stay pregnant

ana8284 · October 2016

So today against my better judgement I went to a local fertility summit that featured classes on a variety of different topics from IVF to meditation. I wasn't going to go as I have been feeling good about our decision to move to adoption but then temptation got the best of me when I learned that one lucky attendee would win $10,000 toward IVF. We couldn't afford to do IVF and adoption so adoption seemed to be the wisest move for us. Anyway, I didn't win which of course my chance was like 1 out of 150 or so but for some reason I left crushed. I really didn't think I had my hopes up about it, but then I went to the IVF session with a newer doctor in town whom I really liked a lot and whose clinic has a 70% success rate for women under 35 and something flipped on. Unbeknownst to me, my hopes were raised. I'm still really excited about the adoption but I can't get out of my head (tonight at least) that there is a good chance I will never experience pregnancy. As I have said before genetics really don't matter to me, but I just always saw myself pregnant and breastfeeding. I'm sure part of my sadness is because I'm getting ready to ovulate and my hormones are up. We do have 2 vials left in storage and will likely use them after the first of the year to try at home one last time or maybe an IUI with the new doc, but after that, that's most likely it. I keep thinking that with straight couples most of them still have the chance for a miracle the old fashioned way for years to come, but of course unless we are actively doing inseminations there is never the thought of that. Plus we haven't tried since I've been on thyroid meds and my levels are down, but that is mostly because I have gained so much weight. I'm only 5'2 and while I'm obviously a bigger girl, I dont think I look like nor do I feel like my BMI is over 50. I still wear an 18/20 and my BP, A1C, Cholesterol is great but I dont feel my size is good for a growing baby but my body still yearns for one. I digress. Anyway, as I said I'm sure I'll feel better the next few days once ovulation is over, just having one of those nights.

Hoping for a baby for our 5th anniversary....

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