Hoping for a baby for our 5th anniversary....

ana8284

I am absolutely sick this morning from the results of the election. I'm in California for work and have been crying all morning. I am so very worried for our country, my marriage and the lives of our future children.

ana8284

Well it's been a couple of months since I last wrote, we had our last home visit on Wednesday and are being recommended for approval to adopt! Now starts the journey to find a birth family. It's a bit daunting to say the least and financially we have to be very wise in where we spend our money for advertising etc. As I've mentioned before we do still have 2 vials left in storage but I'm still really struggling with my weight and while I've lost a few pounds it's coming off very slowly and I've been stuck for a few weeks and the scale isn't budging. I am really excited to get the adoption search process started but anxious as well. We had to go through an exhaustive list of what "type" of child we would be willing to adopt. It was definitely not an easy task and makes you feel like a terrible person for not being open to any child as obviously if one were born to us we would love and nurture it no matter what. Anyway, we are very excited and are hopeful that our baby comes home to us soon!

ana8284

Well, we've been home study approved for about a month now and are waiting to be matched. Being on the other side of this now, the home study was the easy part. Now that we are really into "marketing" ourselves there have been so many things about adoption practices that to be honest make me a little sick to my stomach. While we have a phenomenal agency that is very low priced (in comparison) and are working with a social worker who is not only an adoptee but also placed a child for adoption, there are many others that seem to exploit both expectant families and hopeful adoptive parents for profit and those that are willing to pay the most, see their dreams come true the soonest. But at what cost? It seems like many agencies/attorneys seek to push expectant mothers into placing their child instead of providing the counseling and resources to help them to make an informed decision on their own just to improve their "success rate" and have an excuse to raise their prices beyond the extremely high prices that are already set. While we want nothing more than to be parents, we in no means wish to remove a baby from the arms of a mother who has been pushed to relinquish her rights.

In any case we are trying to get the word out in the hopes that we will match with someone independently and not have to seek out any additional agency/attorney help in the placement process. While I know there are some good ones out there (we've got a good one) there are even more that I just get an icky feeling about and especially not living in the same state as the agency we would be going with and not having that face to face interaction, I'd prefer to not have to go down that route if we don't have to.

So if you are reading this, if you would be so kind to "like" and "share" our Facebook page, we would greatly appreciate it!

https://www.facebook.com/BabyPAdoption/

b&kmakebabies

Shared and liked

I'm rooting for you!!!

ahk00

Have you checked out NRFA? You can post a profile on there as well.

ana8284

A little over two months waiting at this point. We applied to parent a baby that has already been born but it is a long shot as we didn't find out about it until a couple of weeks after the situation had been presented so I'm sure there were likely already hundreds of applicants.

I never want to hear someone say the words "just adopt" ever again. It is estimated that there are 30-40 waiting families for every baby who is placed in the US and not to mention the emotional toll on the birth mother etc. It really is a very crazy process. Adopting from foster care definitely hadn't been ruled out as it is always something we thought we would do anyway but I'm just not ready to give up the dream of raising our child from infancy yet. If we were to foster an infant that wasn't yet legally available to adopt and then they were taken of course we would be happy their parents were now in a place to raise them but I don't think my heart could take the loss.

Anyway definitely not complaining we are glad there are more options available to families to be able to keep their children in the home just doesn't stop the longing to finally become a mom.

ana8284

Today has been rough on me. I had a good cry session and feel a little better this afternoon but I am ready for this month to be over.

After taking a break from TTC for a year and a half and then starting the adoption process we decided that it was time to use our last 2 vials of sperm in storage and stop paying the monthly fees. We went into it with the mindset that if pregnancy were to occur we would be elated but if not then we could close that chapter and give 100% of our energy (and money) to the adoption process.

We started the IUI cycle on April 22nd. I went in for a follow up US and 5/2 to see how my follicles had progressed (I had a pen of Gonal F left from my last attempt) and we only showed three, 1 at a 10 and two at a 7. The doctor knowing this was my last try wanted me to do another round of injections with it's enormous price tag. As my wife and I were talking it over we get a FB message on our adoption page...

The message from a sorority sister whom I have never met, reads that she works in an OB office and knew of our journey and was asked by a patient today about adoption options and that she couldn't give me any information other than that but she had given her our info. My wife and I decided to go ahead with the meds thinking this woman would probably never contact us and had the clinic send in our order.

A little later I was on a conference call and the pharmacy called me to fill my prescription. I couldnt answer of course but as I was listening to the message an email comes through from none other than the woman my SS met at the doctor's office. We learn that she is already 34 weeks along with a baby girl and has the potential of being induced within 2 weeks and the family she was originally going to place with had recently contacted her to advise they were getting divorced and would not be moving forward. We emailed her back immediately and decided to wait to fill the prescription until closer to the 430 PM cutoff time to see if she would get back to us. She emailed back within the next 30 minutes and we decided to talk on the phone. We had a fantastic conversation with her and everything just seemed meant to be, we really liked her and at least from the initial conversation it seemed like it would be a good match for an open adoption situation.

We continued to talk through most of the day and night via FB messenger and we made plans to meet in person that following Saturday. We decided that it was just too coincidental that she contacted us just as we were about to spend significant money that we didn't really have and that we would cancel the cycle to see how things played out.

We continued talking with her several times a day and were really excited about meeting her and the baby's father thar weekend. In just a few weeks it seemed like we were finally going to be parents! We rushed around picking up a few essentials just to be ready (we needed to anyway) and a couple of closw friends and family members we told gave us things. We were so excited, even though we knew it may not work out in the end at this point in time everything was going great, we had even started working on names with mom. Then Friday night came, I was in Wal-Mart, daydreaming in the baby department when I heard from mom that dad had decided he could not place her and he was going to raise her himself.
I knew we shouldn't have been so excited but with her already being that far along in her pregnancy it was hard not to be. I wanted to fall on the floor and cry and I knew my wife would be devestated. She doesn't trust easily and she really liked mom and felt like this was meant to be (probably even more than I did).

I knew I had to do something with my time to keep my mind off of it so I left a message at the doctor's office to see about getting an US to see how far I had naturally progressed. I had an appointment for Tuesday morning and the nurse called me right before we were to leave and said they needed to reschedule me for Thursday. By this time I felt like I was going to ovualte any minute and insister they send an LH lab order over as my doctor had wanted. They did and I got a call the next morning that it was positive and to come in at 4 for IUI. They did an US prior and my main follicle had grown to about an 18 and was starting to release. The timing seemed perfect.

I went back in to get checked and get started on progesterone the following Monday and this cycle just seemed different. This morning at 12dpi I had yet another BFN. I lost it. I think the loss of the potential adoption paired with this just finally came to a head. I literally was on the floor in a ball crying the hardest I have in probably more than a year.

The bright side is I truly believe I am at peace now with not carrying a pregnancy. Genetics have never mattered to me but I really wanted to experience pregnancy and child birth. I feel like I have honestly moved past that. My wife now wants to try (I think mostly because she is terrified of another failed adoption match) and before that was really hard for me to think about. It's still hard for me to mentally picture her pregnant just because of her style etc. but I am okay with the emotional aspect now which is a huge step for me. I just want so badly to be a mom, it has been my only dream my whole life and I'm just worn out from all of the wishing and hoping we have done.

b&kmakebabies

I'm so sorry. That is hard. I hope you have success in whatever way is meant to be.

ana8284

b&kmakebabies wrote:

I'm so sorry. That is hard. I hope you have success in whatever way is meant to be.

Thanks b & k. Today has been better, just wishing AF would hurry up and come so I could start feeling a bit of normalcy!

ana8284

Well beta HCG came back as negative so I've stopped the progesterone and am waiting for AF. In some ways I'm oddly relieved that my TTC journey is over. While I really wanted ro experience pregnancy the stress of the process both physically and emotionally was a lot. I think I'm actually still more upset about the adoption earlier this month. We had just really started loving this baby already and really liked her mom and feel like we would have had a good open adoption relationship with her. While it's obvious baby's dad loves this baby, I am concerned about her well-being just because of his current living situation etc. I do hope though that he is able to figure it out as while we would have loved nothing more than to welcome this baby girl into our hearts and home, at the end of the day as long as she is healthy and happy that is all that matters to us even if that means it's not with us.

Just hoping and praying that the baby who we are meant to parent comes home with us soon!