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Pity Party

merryshannonmerryshannon Posts: 503
edited November -1 in Miscarriage/Loss
Triple whammy yesterday: I came home from work to a baby shower invite in the mail. Then another friend posted her gender/baby name announcement on FB, and a THIRD friend posted their u/s announcing they're having twins.

DP is out of town for the week, so it was a rough and lonely night. :( I feel like such an awful person for being jealous, when my friends' baby joys are not about me. Intellectually I know that, but it's still really painful. Right now it feels like everyone in the world is getting to have a baby except me. And I WANT to celebrate with them. If I was still pregnant right now (or not trying to TTC) I'd be over the moon with happiness for all of them. Instead I just feel like a rotten human being, and I don't know how to change my bad attitude. Is it possible to have a good attitude about something while feeling miserable about it?

We're hoping to go back to Greece next month. I almost have enough money saved. I've been really sick for almost two weeks, and I guess I can be grateful that I can take regular cold medicine and not have to worry that it might be doing harm to a pregnancy... but I am feeling really tired, run-down and discouraged today. SIGH.

Thanks for being a safe place to vent this kind of thing <3
2ekr8s1.jpg
Early ovarian failure. 4 failed ICIs, 6 failed IUIs. Donor Egg IVF in Greece: IVF#1 12/2014 - BFP, miscarried at 6WK3D. IVF #2 4/2015 - BFN. IVF#3 7/2015 - BFP. Baby boy Searc born 4/8/16 - 9lbs, 2 oz <3

TTC Blog

Comments

  • ana8284ana8284 Posts: 628
    edited November -1
    While I can't begin to imagine going through a miscarriage after all that you have been through (or at any time for that matter), I do know the feelings of jealous and not being as happy as you want to be for your family and friends. I especially have a hard time with people that I don't feel "deserve" to be pregnant and that makes me cringe the most as I never want to feel that about anyone. Just know that you are not alone in your feelings and you are not a bad person for wanting something so badly that it hurts. Thoughts are with you for a successful second attempt in Greece!
    27zc85c.jpg

    IUI #1- 07/12-BFN, IUI #2 08/12-BFN, ICI at home 10/12- BFN, Back to Back IUI #3 08/13-BFN, IUI #4 09/13-BFN, IUI #5 03/14- BFN, IUI #6 05/14- BFN, IUI #7 06/14-BFN
    KD-10/14-BFN KD-12/14-BFN IUI #8 3/15 BFN, IUI #9 4/15 BFN, IUI #10 6/17 BFN
    Potential Adoptive Parents- Baby Due November 2017!
    IUI #8 04/15- BFN
  • che_aramiche_arami Posts: 787 ✭
    edited November -1
    it totally makes sense to me. even though it looks like our pregnancy is going well, it STILL bothers me when people make those facebook announcements! i think it's because it still hurts just thinking about how easy it can be for some people. anyway my point is that your feelings are totally valid and you're NOT a horrible human being! i really wish you guys the best of luck in greece or wherever your next steps take you, and PLEASE keep us updated!!!
    got our miracle BFP on first IVF after 3 years TTC. DS born may 20, 2015 after emergency cesarean. all are doing well and trying to figure out this new journey!!
  • merilungmerilung Posts: 1,177
    edited November -1
    You are not an awful person, period. Jealousy is normal. Anger is normal. Grief is normal. I've thought horrible things during my many years of TTC. I've straight up wished that other people would have a horrible pregnancy or a miscarriage because it was so, so exhausting living in a dark, depressing, stagnant hole while life moved on happily for everyone else. Anything you feel is valid, full stop.

    I saw a grief counselor during the very worst of it (when my SIL got pregnant right before we started seeing our RE) which helped tremendously - I only went a few times as I also had fertility treatments to pay for, but it was absolutely worth going for those few times.

    Like che_arami, I still cringe when I see facebook announcements - or belly pictures, or sonograms. I still have zero desire to meet the niece my SIL had before we did IVF. I still feel 'other' and defensive around people who conceived easily. I guess what I'm saying is don't be surprised or feel bad if you don't flip from grief to joy overnight at any point - I certainly thought that would be the case, but it can definitely be a process to go through.
    TTC since September 2007 - 8 donor insems in 2012, all BFN. DH had varicocele repair #2 1/3/14.
    It worked! Two clomid cycles and two IUI's with injectables all BFN, on to IVF! 3dt of 2 perfect embryos on 12/15/14, BFP 7dp3dt! Frederick Lars born at 37 weeks on 8/15/15!! FET for #2 on 9/29/16 - BFP 5dp5dt!! Bertram Wilder and Mabel Moon born at 28.4 weeks on 3/29/17!
  • TurtlehartTurtlehart Posts: 834
    edited November -1
    You are not terrible in any way! I am going through some of the same emotions and can tell you I feel horribly guilty when I have those thoughts, but I am realizing more and more that they are absolutely normal. I often have to move away from conversations at work for I fear that I will blurt out something I will regret.
    Please be kind to yourself and know that, unfortunately, this is part of our grieving process. It's hard enough to struggle with "why's" and "what if's" of our own, but to then deal with outsiders discussing their happiness can be overwhelming. Cry a lot, be angry, throw a pity party, and know that your time will come. I keep trying to remind myself of this too. :)
    Our sweet boy has arrived after TTC'ing for 4 years!
  • CutekiwiCutekiwi Posts: 80
    edited November -1
    How do u hold the anger in?
    I lost my pregnancy on the weekend and the same day a friend said she was pregnant another one found out shes having a girl and my cousin had a baby girl all in 1 day
    Life doesn't feel fair right at the moment
  • che_aramiche_arami Posts: 787 ✭
    edited November -1
    i'm so sorry cutekiwi :(. we are all definitely here for you so you have a place where you can share all your emotions!!
    got our miracle BFP on first IVF after 3 years TTC. DS born may 20, 2015 after emergency cesarean. all are doing well and trying to figure out this new journey!!
  • merryshannonmerryshannon Posts: 503
    edited November -1
    *hugs* Oh, Cutekiwi, I'm so sorry. That's horrible...

    I felt miserably relieved that the baby shower I was supposed to attend this weekend for a friend got postponed because baby had to arrive early. Very jealous of the tiny baby pictures, but somehow it still feels better than having to go to the shower. I wasn't sure how well I'd be able to make it through. *sigh*
    2ekr8s1.jpg
    Early ovarian failure. 4 failed ICIs, 6 failed IUIs. Donor Egg IVF in Greece: IVF#1 12/2014 - BFP, miscarried at 6WK3D. IVF #2 4/2015 - BFN. IVF#3 7/2015 - BFP. Baby boy Searc born 4/8/16 - 9lbs, 2 oz <3

    TTC Blog
  • Jen727BFJen727BF Posts: 2,304
    edited November -1
    I am so sorry cutekiwi. Hugs.
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    TTC No. 2 since Aug. 2014; IVF #1 - Cxld; IVF #2 - BFN
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