Anyone hold their kid back in school (retention)?

Kari

I feel like I've written about this before. Last year I wasn't going to start Justin in kindergarten on time because I saw deficits and thought he was young. Some testing led me to start him on time because the developmental pediatrician said he had a high IQ but the deficits were holding him back and should be identified.

Fast forward 7 or 8 months. He started school not being able to write or recognize his name, and now knows all the capital and 24 lowercase letters, and most of their sounds. He's reading at a "B" level, right where he should be to achieve C/D by the end of the year. His teacher and principal think he's doing great. I want to hold him back, and I think they think I'm crazy. Anyway, here's what I'm seeing:

1. He's got a 120-130 IQ and is performing in the bottom third of his class in the subject areas that count (math & reading).

2. Physically, he's small for his class, still needs 11 hours sleep at night, is falling asleep on the ride home, and doesn't have the stamina in class to stay focused for any length of time. During observations they say he's very fidgety, laying across the table, waking himself by rubbing his face with his hands, rolling on the rug, needing lots of movement, etc. He's got a summer birthday, and our cut-off is October 15th, so he's not the youngest but looks and acts the youngest.

3. Socially, it's taking him a really long time to make friends. He's not taking any risks. His self-confidence has plummeted this year, and his anxiety has taken off through the roof. He has extremely limited frustration tolerance, and most homework assignments cause tantrums over the littlest things. He goes to a school-based daycare 3 mornings a week. We're three-fourths of the way through the school year, and he hasn't made a single friend in daycare yet except for the one kid there who's in his kindergarten class. He used to be one of the most popular and outgoing kids at his old daycare. When I drop him off, he always chooses to sit at a table by himself to eat his breakfast, even if there are other kids playing or eating at the tables. He often dodges eye contact with adults, but I've been told that's part of his ADHD. The friends he has made have sought him out vs. the other way around, and none of them have been good choices (almost all girls, and all in love with him).

4. He has combined ADHD (inattentive, hyperactive, and impulsive) and an anxiety disorder, and possible sensory processing issues.

5. The IEP process showed that while they recognize that all of this is going on, it does NOT affect his performance in the classroom to a significant enough degree that he will get any support. This is mostly because his teacher has bent over backward to help him fall on the low end of average this year.

I talked with Justin about his choices for next year (and I made them HIS choices). We talked about the pros and cons of "another year of practice" or "moving up to first grade with your friends" and he chose another year of K. I'm okay with it, but just wondering what others felt. I know there's a good chance he'll catch up by second grade if he's promoted. I also know that if he doesn't - or if his anxiety and self-confidence continue to get in the way - he may not. And another year of K may not help with the self-confidence, social/emotional/physical maturity, and anxiety . . . but I'm sure hoping it does. What would you do? Am I missing any obvious cons to retention?

annerbones

I teach kindergarten. Here's my two cents, move him forward unless you are moving him to a new school. I have a student who sounds like Justin. He has been in k 2 years, in order to get the help he needs he has to move forward and fail. That is the way the system is, at that point he will get more help. Transfer schools so the stigma of being held back doesn't follow him. Also, what does the district say? My district does not support holding students back, research shows long term it is not effective. It probably should not be his choice, he is toyoung to understand the consequences, he sees that it is less scary than change. I would ask for an mdt (multi-disciplinary team meeting) and gather advice from his teacher, special ed., administrator and future first teacher.

Turtlehart

Both my niece and nephew were held back in elementary school. My niece was held back after 6th grade, and my brother had been moved in his company so she didn't suffer any teasing, or stigma. She is now in Vet school (harder to get into than medical school), and thriving. My nephew was held back earlier, and although he has done well, he still has some struggles. He is now in 9th grade.
Both kids are extremely well adjusted, and never seemed bothered or embarrassed by being held back.

Zen

IMHO, you should hold him back. My [adopted] son was a summer baby and a preemie. He struggled in school all through elementary. Given multiple opportunities to retain him a year, his parents opted to move him forward. When I took custody of him, he was in the sixth grade and performing at a 2nd to 3rd grade level. Against all recommendations I held him back. I had to fight the school tooth and nail but I persevered and won that battle. We did one year of tutoring with Sylvan, and another with Kumon. Now he is in the seventh grade, at the bottom third of his class, but at least is working on grade level. Had he been retained earlier on, a lot of the issues would have been addressed. With regard to self-esteem, there are pros and cons to holding a child back. The cons obviously are feelings of failure, or being teased by friends who have been promoted. The pros on the other hand are huge. Instead of feeling like the dumb kid in the class, my son performs at level with his peers. When I first got him he would sit through entire days at school staring into space because he did not even want to try to do the work. He knew he would not get any answers right so he didn't bother doing anything. Now he does his work and sometimes his performance is good, sometimes not. But at this point he knows that if he tries he can succeed.

Shiloh is at the other end of the spectrum. She missed the cut off for starting kindergarten at age 5 by three weeks. I struggled for a very long time with whether or not to put her in private school so she would not be a year behind what I considered to be her peers. I put her in ballet with children her age. When she could not keep up, she just stood there and cried. I also noticed that when visiting with friends that had two daughters one of whom was six months younger than Shiloh, and the other that was six months older, she could not really keep up with the older child but did phenomenally well with the younger. Academically Shiloh is in kindergarten and performing at a second grade level. Physically though, when playing sports and other activities requiring dexterity, she is right on target with the other kindergartners.

So to wrap this up, if you hold him back he has the chance to be at the top of the group. If you move him forward he will need to struggle to maintain and your hope will be that he catches up. At his age, why play catch up? In 30 years no one will care if he graduated high school at age 18 or 19. Give him the time that he needs now.