How to talk to a friend about child's delays

Potandlid

I am hoping some of you might be able to help me out. I have such a heavy heart about this but I can't figure out what to do - this friend is in all my other parenting/talk it out circles so I can't discuss it there.

We have a friend who has a baby, D, who is 5 week older than our Gus. D is 10 months today. He has a lot of behavior I find concerning. He is not crawling. According to her he is starting to be mobile but my partner watched him for a bit that week and mobile means that if you put him on his stomach he can pull himself across the floor very very slowly. He can not transition between sitting and laying down. Mom says he can pull himself up on this - we have not seen this and do not believe it to be true. He constantly sits with his arms up and fists clenched. If he falls over from sitting he does not try to stop it and falls in this position as well. His fine motor skills seem okay, vocal skills seem a little behind but okay, but these gross motor skills are lacking big time.

We have another friend who is a speech pathologist and a foster mom to kids with special needs who did a loose assessment during a play date one day (without either of D's moms asking her to). She believes something is up - at minimum he has a minor case of hypertonia (excess muscle tone) - but possibly something else going on. Friend who did assessment told moms, moms talked to their family doctor (no pediatrician, just family doctor) who said all kids develop differently (and was also not concerned when he went for 15th % for weight to 4th to 2nd to not on the chart...) so our friends believe nothing is wrong.

Today my partner told me that when she was over there this week mom told her that D has started to put his head down and cover his ears when something is too loud. When my kiddo makes too much noise, loud car goes by, ect. Mom thinks this is a funny and cute thing her kiddo does - I think that it is alarming, especially with the other information.

Part of my professional life is to refer families to services. If my friend were my client I would have made the referral. Maybe nothing is wrong but I really think her kiddo needs to be evaluated. I told myself after our other friend said something that I would drop it but I am having a hard time doing so now.

Do I:
A) Drop it?
Find a way to say something to mom and risk our friendship (and also she does childcare one day a week for us so that's extra complicated)?
C) Find some much better option I don't know about?

If it were my kid and someone saw these concerns I would want to know. But she has been told and dismissed them.... Also, my kid is ahead of the game in gross motor skills (which isn't a brag - extra mobile is not something I am thrilled about ) so I feel like she will interpret anything I saw as "Gus is doing this and D is not so something must be wrong with D".

Help, wise mamas.

katoo

Could you possibly work the pediatrician vs family doc and weight angles? Like try talking about the drop on the charts and family docs not being incredibly well versed in breastfeeding (assuming that's what's she's doing) and then help her find a really great ped who can address the weight issue, and presumably/hopefully notice the delays and address those as well. It's a sticky situation for sure. You could also work on just planting seeds--since you refer clients out for services talk about how awesome it is that early interventions are available and how huge the pay off is for kids who have been evaluated and end up receiving them.

Potandlid

Unfortunately their family doc is who her wife saw as a baby so they think he is the bees knees. What that says to me is that he is not up to date on current research and such...

I've been working the "early interventions are so great" angle for a while. I was staying hopeful that they would start to see it but the covering his ears thing has me reworked up.

RedHeather

Honestly, you'll probably just have to wait it out until she sees the concerns for herself (which she will eventually, if he continues to fall behind). I could tell from a very young age that my nephew had issues (severe ADHD), and any time my sis would ask if I thought something was "wrong" I would mention ADHD, but it wasn't until my nephew was 6 that they finally got a diagnosis.

I know it's hard when you realize how much early intervention can help, but I really think it will be just a matter of a few months before the issues become undeniable, assuming there's no improvement. Of course earlier is better in terms of intervention, but the difference between getting the initial assessment at 10 months vs. 12 or 14 months won't be the end of the world.

You can't make your friend get him assessed, and pushing the issue while she's still in denial will probably make her dig in her heels and become even more adamant in her refusal to consider it.

hoping4number2

I would drop it, and not bring it up again until she asks. There is a bit of territorial momma bear stuff that happens when you have a delayed kiddo. Mine had a few very minor delays (didn't sit up until 9 months, crawled at 11 months, walked at 15 months.... but he was saying "hi" "bye" "mama" etc by 9 months!).

For my kiddo, I recognized and was worried about the delays. We had him receiving therapy services to improve his mobility, but really.... I'm not sure it made that much of a difference, and he may have started doing those skills at the ages he did with or without intervention (we did not do early intervention - we did craniosacral therapy).

I think some kids really do achieve milestones completely differently, and if one doesn't fit into the mold it doesn't always mean there is something wrong. I would say that little one is still in the normal range (on the far edge, but still normal). If he gets to 12 months and is not crawling I would be getting more concerned.

That being said ....mine is still not super coordinated, but he is a VERY active 4 year old with a richer vocabulary than all three of his 6 year old cousins. Kids are all different!

Kari

I wouldn't say anything. I tried to point out to my sister that her son likely had ADHD and a speech issue when he was 2-7 and finally gave up. He was diagnosed with a hearing issues (needed tubes and later surgery to repair a hole in his ear) at 6 and ADHD at 11. She had to see it or have a teacher tell her there was a problem; my telling her made her more resistant to seeing it. I think this is particularly true when you have a child of similar age. She'll know you're comparing them.

I had the same issue with my kids. My sister thought Justin was ADHD while I didn't see it for a few years. Then it took forever to get him diagnosed (ADHD, anxiety, & SPD), and he doesn't qualify for any services. Same with my daughter - I saw the speech delay from 12M old but at 2 she wasn't "bad enough" to qualify for services. At 3.5, she just failed a hearing test and will be retested later this summer. Her speech is now bad enough to qualify for services IF she fails the second hearing test. So my experience has been that either you don't see the problem, or you see it and jump through hoops for more than a year before there is a faint hope that someone might also see the problem and provide help.

On a related note, my friend has a daughter who's a few months older than Justin. She's always been waaayyyy behind in movement and speech. She crawled at either 16 or 18 months for the first time. I totally thought something was wrong with her, but figured her mom was on top of it and I didn't need to draw attention to the fact that Justin was walking at 10 months and running at 14. She got tubes in her ears at 3 years old and her speech improved dramatically. You can't tell a difference between our kids today. Justin was on the very early extreme for development, and her daughter was on the late extreme, but both are normal now.

ruedeodeon

Kids develop at different stages. I had a friend with a 13 month old who just barely crawls and doesn't talk yet (he's perfectly fine at 6) my sister wasn't walking or talking until 1.5 years nor potty trained until almost 3 (she's 23 and totally normal) I have another friend who's baby didnt walk til 2 and hated loud noises! All these kids are fine! Why do people seem to have to schedule young children? They're should be no schedule--Let your kids progress at they should, as they want to unless there are MAJOR red flags. If you worry about every little tiny milestone the child misses it could be unhealthy for you and the child (not saying you are) I just feel a lot of parents these days are like that.

Shanny

As hard as it is, I'd have to say let it go too. As a Nanny I've been in every imaginable situation like this - I said relax, it's nothing when it was something. I've said I think there's an issue and there was but nothing was done for 2 years and I've said I think there's an issue when there really wasn't. And lots and lots of in betweens. It sucks and it is hard but she's been presented with some thoughts on the issue and didn't act so I agree you probably need to wait at least a few more months in the hopes that baby does some catching up or Mom sees that something isn't right. I don't envy you, it's a very tough situation to be in.

K&H

Backing up everyone else here as well. If you find that perfect moment where she asks and you can talk about, that's great. If not, you really do have to just let it go. We have a friend whose daughter is the same age as E, and her speech delays, sensory issues, and emotional issues are glaringly obvious to me. I tried the friend angle and the professional angle, I offered to write a letter for her.. This is what I do for a living and she wouldn't hear it. She did nothing. (Eventually she lost custody to the other parent who put her in an extremely academic bilingual environment and we have no idea how she's doing.)
It's really hard and it stinks when you can't help in the way you want to, but you can't make a person see something they don't want to see.

Potandlid

Thanks for the insight. I think you all are right and I need to drop it. As you pointed out, Shanny, someone has said something to her and she chose not to act. And I think you are right, Kari, it would be very likely she would see me as comparing the two.

I do appreciate knowing so many of you have been here and acted or didn't act in all sorts of ways. It is a no win situation really. It's hard - we have a local natural moms facebook page and I see her posting a different concern there every week and being told that things are normal or others kids did that. And folks, like many of you, are right. Everything is within the range of normal. It's when you start adding up all the delays and behavioral quirks that you realize that this might be outside of normal. No one thing is huge and she gets feedback from people who don't know her kid or see the big picture.

It hurts because I see D struggling. It hurts because I would want someone to tell me - but you're right, that doesn't mean she wants to/is ready to hear it.

babybaby

he sounds a lot like my daughter. she never crawled or climbed until she was almost 2. she just sat there in one place until she learned to walk. she has serious aversions and spaces out to noise, lights, etc. she has sensory processing disorder. the good thing about it is that i never addressed it at all until just recently (she is almost 5), and she is just fine, basically. she socializes well, walks, runs, climbs, etc. there are just small things that need to be worked on.

old mama

He is so tiny yet. I have parented many special needs children and over time the delays will become more evident. Actually just ear infections can cause those delays and especially the behavior with covering his ears. I would bet her Mama radar is picking up there is something wrong just by watching other peoples children. You are a good friend.

Potandlid

Thanks, all. Babybaby - my guess would be some SPD. I think what is hardest for me is that the mama is really struggling and I feel like if they got as assessment and some help they might find some strategies that work well for their family. I think in the end D will be fine - just like Seren - but some help now might be nice.

And old mama, I think you are right. I think she must be picking up on some of these things watching other kiddos and it will either become more evident or not in the coming months.

MNmommas

Looks like you've got it figured out, but just throwing my 2 cents in with advice to sit on your hands for now unless she asks you. Is it the friend that Gus is with for daycare, so you see them all the time? Total rock & hard place situation. But you know that it's gotta at least be on her radar now - if it wasn't before - since another friend outright brought it up with her. It might just take them a little bit to wrap their heads around it and to see the differences more blatantly as the kids grow. My only real advice, since you are the resource pro, would be to gather up a list of resources to be ready to hand to her if/when she comes to you. Or if you are very strongly concerned, to gather that list & anonymously mail it to her. Maybe with fake state letterhead or as a collection of informational brochures or something so it seems like a legit anonymous government thing. At least then she knows where to go to get it checked out and doesn't have the potential shame/embarrassment/denial that might be coming with having a friend point it out to her.

Potandlid

Yes, that's the friend. She only has him one day a week but we need that and I can't risk that.

I have my referrals ready for it - it's hard because I know it will take her at least 4 months to get services set up where she needs to so while there's still time that's time you could be on a waiting list. But she has been told and now if she is blind to it it is her choice.