Names on birth certificate

arielle

For those of you who have used a known donor, how did it work with the birth certificate? My wife and I have been ttc for 4.5 years now and we're at a point where we're considering using fresh sperm. We found someone anonymous (we don't know him and he doesn't know us) and if we decide to do this, we won't be doing any contract. He said he is not interested in knowing our name and just wants to help. He is married and has 3 kids of his own and has donated sperm to other couples before, and they all went their own ways after that and are not in contact.

So we're wondering, in a situation like this, would my wife and I have trouble with the birth certificate (if we don't use a sperm bank)? Would they even care to ask how I got pregnant? We are still in the beginning stages of this, just extremely desperate already.

RedHeather

You're not required to list a father on the birth certificate, and they don't ask any questions if you just leave it blank. The extent to which a same-sex spouse can go on as the 2nd parent varies by state, so you'll have to look into that for your state. In some states the spouse is automatically the legal second-parent, but a few have chosen to make it more difficult for same-sex spouses.

b&kmakebabies

We just went through this... No one asked how we got pregnant and my wife was easily listed on the birth certificate (they were actually excited to have us because apparently the computer program was just changed to accommodate same sex couples and we were the first ones). That being said, it is still important for adoption to happen as well according to our lawyer. Not sure if you have to have a contract for adoption or not...

arielle

That is good to know! Thank you both for your reply!

K&H

I agree with what has been said about the birth certificate. But keep in mind that a birth certificate means pretty much nothing legally and you may have an extremely difficult time with a second parent adoption without having to go through the hassle of "attempting to notify the father". Also, should he change his mind and decide to find out who you are and press for custody in this day and age it probably wouldn't be that hard. He would likely have rights.
Even though it's expensive, I would suggest hiring a lawyer and having them draw up a contract that could be redacted to block out names for all of you with each other if you truly don't want to know. That way your child is legally protected, and could possibly someday be in contact if he/she so chose.

SPJ&E

Contracts may or may not hold up in court, even when done by an attorney.

We are going to be using a known donor this time (one that will ship to us though). He has a contract that he uses, though it really is just to spell everything out and make sure everyone is on the same page from the start. Chances are, it's not something that would hold up in court. Hopefully someday the law will catch up with our families. We do not require a contract, but will sign one if a donor does. Doesn't matter to us either way.

Anyway! We live in VA, where 2 moms can go directly on the birth certificate, so that is what we will do. Actually, here, if you are married at the time of birth, your spouse's name must go on the birth certificate. Our donor's name will be on nothing, aside from the contract and it won't be his real name.

If we choose to do a stepparent adoption at some point, we will go through the hassle of the "father unknown" route. Many (not all, but many) known donors do not give their real name or will not sign paperwork, even for an adoption. The reason (as I was told by a donor) is if the adoption does not go through for some reason, it puts them at risk.

If your state allows 2 moms to go on the certificate at birth, definitely do that. If not, leave the "father" part blank. If/when you do your step or second parent adoption, baby will get a new birth certificate with both of you on it.

arielle

Thank you K&H and SPJ&E for your input. My wife and I have been struggling a lot with deciding over the past couple of days. We have been going back and forth with both options (continuing our long and arduous struggle with using frozen sperm vs. trying fresh for the first time). We're now very close to dropping the fresh sperm option for now, mainly for the legal reasons and because the fresh sperm donor we had found said he prefers intercourse vs. donating into a cup. It is really strange what desperation can do to you. One year ago if someone had told us that we'd be in this situation we'd have thought, no way, that's not us. Before we decided to drop the fresh sperm option for now we had even considered becoming liars and just tell everybody that we used a sperm bank (even if we didn't). But it's just not us (having intercourse with a married guy), as much as we want this ttc journey to end fast.

pikespeak

Oh my gosh. I was on the site coparentsmatch.com for a month and there was a lot of that. I would have loved to find a donor that way but way too many guys who just wanted to have unprotected sex. My friend also gave me a long lecture about the legal stuff.

I know the bank is expensive, but it seems like the safest option.

arielle

Yes exactly pikespeak, this is what we also figured out. We had no idea, until we looked into this, how many guys actually are willing to do this. And they really only seem to want to have unprotected sex.

pikespeak

It's so strange to me. Oh well, at least we both found out about it before things got worse.

arielle

Yes exactly. We were just thinking the same.

SPJ&E

It can definitely be hit or miss. For me, it is harder finding a known donor. It takes a lot of patience and persistence and is not for everyone. We used NW last time (our son is 5) and planned to this time as well. Plans have changed and we are very excited to go this route! But again, it is not for everyone.

Anyway, I use the KDR and haven't had a single donor mention NI. Of course, we are ONLY looking for shipping donors, so I'm sure that weeds out those guys. I have found 5 great donors who ship and would be willing to donate for us. Any of them would be an excellent choice that we would feel comfortable working with.

If at some point you reconsider using a KD, maybe a shipping donor would be something for you to consider. Chilled fresh sperm has twice the life span of frozen, but half the life span of fresh. With the kit and shipping, it's under $200 per month for 1 try. The one we are going to use actually covers all costs, so it won't cost us a thing. One of the others has his own kits, so only has the recipient pay for shipping. It just varies by donor.

Have you tried the KDR? It is against the rules there for a donor to suggest NI (sex) or even contact someone offering if it they do not have it marked on their profile. They will be banned from the site.

Good luck to you both with whatever you choose to do!

arielle

Thanks SPJ&E for this info. Up until this point I had no idea something like what you described existed. So no, we haven't looked into this at all. If there's no intercourse involved for these guys who ship to you, what's their incentive? And why would some even cover the costs? Also, what about the health factor? One thing we had been afraid of is the fact that the donor we were about to use told us he is healthy and free of diseases (he said he gets tested at work once a year because he's military), but we'd have to take his word for it. And that still doesn't mean he couldn't have contracted any disease in the meantime. We might sound a bit overly suspicious, but that's because we usually very cautious and it's all new to us. So any tips and info is very appreciated so we know there are more options out there than we could have ever imagined. So is there some sort of site you had been looking for KDs?

SPJ&E

I use knowndonorregistry dot com . The site took some getting used to, but it's not bad. If you create a profile, just be sure to fill it out thoroughly, so donors can get an idea of who you are and what you are looking for. If you feel comfortable, add a few photos. If your profile has very little info, they will likely not message you or reply to your messages.

Their reasons for donating vary. There are even donors there who previously donated through a cryobank. Some say they didn't like not knowing what came of their donations. Some feel that cryobanks charge recipients too much and it's unfair. Most say they just want to help others have a family or that they've seen loved ones struggle with infertility. Some just feel the need to have their dna out there.

Cost wise...most will have you pay for the kit (about $75) and shipping (about $80). Some buy the shipping supplies in bulk because it makes them cheaper. So they will basically just eat that cost and have the recipient pay shipping. Why...again, that probably varies.

The donor we've chosen, as I said, covers all costs. He asks that if a pregnancy is achieved, the recipient donates $30 to a charity of her choice. I did not ask what his motivation is. Whether a donor has a "good" reason or just wants to "spread his seed" doesn't matter to us. The end result is the same.

There are also AI donors, if you do want to try that instead of shipping. Just be sure to only mark AI (and shipping, if you want) when setting up your profile. If you do not mark NI, donors are not allowed to contact you suggesting it. If they do, report them. If a donor agrees to AI and then tries to convince you to do NI when it's time, report them. They are strict about enforcing that rule and it will be taken care of.

As for safety, health wise, experienced donors are typically tested regularly and will show you proof of that. We have yet to have to ask for test results. They have always offered them freely right at the beginning of conversation. Current testing is a must for us. It is not overly cautious to require that. It is just being safe.

There ARE some great donors...you just have to find them. If using a KD is something you are interested in, it doesn't hurt to research it and check it out. In the end, if you feel most comfortable using a cryobank, there is certainly nothing wrong with that! Do what you and your wife feel is best for your family...that is all that matters.

pikespeak

Thank you, SPJ&E. I had no idea about that site. I will look into it.

SPJ&E

You're welcome!

arielle

Thank you SPJ&E, this is a very helpful post. It is definitely good to know there is this option. I will look into it. For now my wife and I have decided to try two more times at a clinic with an IUI, but we are feeling a little better now to know that there's even another option that we have had no clue about up until now.