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Donor "siblings"

OkayBabyOkayBaby Posts: 503 ✭✭
edited November -1 in Parenting and Life
I am in the camp that we will not call the donor "dad" or biological father, or anything more than donor. I also don't think any biologically related children are my baby's siblings. Those are all words reserved for family in my mind. I'm berry happy with our choice of an anonymous donor. I don't want to contact any "sibling" families or have them know who I am. (Yes I understand you can't change biology, and yes I understand baby may have his own feelings someday- that's for another post)

Okay, that all said- I can't help but try to piece together who used the same donor. I want to see pictures and compare but I don't. I definitely don't want them to know we used their same donor. I just want to spy. It's a very duel feeling. I can't be alone in this. Anyone els?


  • RedHeatherRedHeather Posts: 598 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Are you on the sibling registry (which I think is automatic when you report a pregnancy)? You don't have to include any identifying info except due date or baby's birthdate (name and contact info are optional), and you can see whatever others have chosen to post (which may include pictures). Even the if you're not interested in contact, I'm sure the other families would appreciate knowing another child from the same donor exists.
  • old mamaold mama Posts: 4,682
    edited November -1
    It's not automatic. It is two separate things. You also no not have to report a pregnancy if you don't want to. If you do want to register in the sibling registry you have the option of leaving contact info. or not. I just want to correct that in case some women don't want any info. out there. I lost my baby but I was thrilled to be able to correspond with a woman who had a preschooler by the same donor. She was great letting me see her photo. There was also others who left no contact info. just that they had children by my donor. It is really a personal choice. The reason I had registered was that I also have several adopted children and they want to know every little thing I know about their bio. family so I knew that by AI conceived child most likely would want that info. too.
  • edited November -1
    I feel the same way. I'm so curious about other families who have children by the same donor we used. I also kind of want to see pictures of their kids to compare. I am currently pregnant with our third baby using the same donor for all 3.... And I'm sure there has to be someone on this board who has a child using the same donor, as our donor has a LOT of families listed in the sibling registry. But we'll never know unless they specifically say their donor #, which most including me, don't. I also have not had any contact with any other families and I'm not sure I ever will.
  • ahk00ahk00 Posts: 1,420
    edited November -1
    what if you found a sibling FB group and only saw pictures on there? It does not mean you have to share your pictures BUT they would know you used the same donor. I loved meeting the other donor families via FB group and seeing their families. Some of us have connected on FB outside of the group. There is no expectation that we are "family" "siblings" etc. Just knowing they exist, have healthy children & watching them grow is pretty awesome.
    SMBC: TTC since 12/2014: 3 home attempts: 2 BFN & 1 chemical. 3 medicated Dr assisted IUI's: 2 BFN & 1 BFP (04/24/15) with twins in May (new donor) MC with D&C @ 9w. 4th IUI 09/17/15: BFN. 10/15: hsg good. 11/15: BFN. 01/16: BFN. 05/16: Embryos arrested. IVF failed 06/16: KD BFN 07/16: KD BFN 09/16: IUI #7 with donor sperm BFP-MC at 9w w/ D&C. 02/17: diagnosed with hetero compound MTHFR & clotting mutation. 03/09/17 IUI #8: chemical pregnancy. IUI #9: 04/19/17 BFN LOOKING FOR EMBRYO'S TO ADOPT
  • SPJ&ESPJ&E Posts: 874 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Our donor is always referred to as a donor...never anything else. We are very thankful for him, but he is just a donor, not a "father".

    We are, however, in contact with 2 donor sibling families (3 of the kids). We are FB friends. I love seeing photos of the kids and being able to watch them grow. We know of 4 other families. I have reached out to each of them and they are not interested in contact. We respect that completely and do not contact them. We do at least like to know they exist, if nothing else. We like to know the number. Including my son, we know there are at least 8 kids.

    They are his donor siblings. I've never thought of them any other way or called them by any other title. We've never discussed it, but I imagine the other families feel the same. We are just people who happened to use the same donor and our kids share some dna.

    It is important to us to have these connections already in place when possible. Our son didn't ask to be donor conceived. We want to make things as easy as possible for him, should he want to pursue relationships later on.

    Sometimes, it's weird to think there are people out there, strangers even, who are biologically related to your child. But this is what we chose. We chose to use donors and that comes with it. It is what you make it. For us, it's just a part of life...not a big deal.

    But in any case, being curious about donor siblings is completely normal. Not being curious is strange to me, but that's probably normal too. We all feel differently and do what we think is best for our families.
    Mom to P (13), J (11), E (6), and Q (born December 2017)
  • Heather&MeganHeather&Megan Posts: 151
    edited November -1
    We do not refer to our donor as anything other then donor, but do refer to siblings as donor siblings. We used donor 9717 and have contact with two other families. We are Facebook friends and have a private group for our donor. I love seeing the kids and it's also nice to be able to connect with families that have concieved in non- traditional ways as our journey has been different from our friends. Initially, my wife wasn't really interested in that connection but she is really glad we have it now. I don't think there is a right or wrong choice though.
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    I sort of feel the same way, which is different than how I thought I would feel.

    I still would like to have some contact with donor families and did have contact with 1 of them. But, the family came on a bit strong and we got scared away. Now, I'm not sure what to do. :(
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • FutureSMBCFutureSMBC Posts: 1,018
    edited November -1
    I'm already in contact with 2 families. Not extensive, just have a FB group and post pictures once in a blue moon. One of them friended me so I see photos more often.
    I want to have the communication already there for my child in case he ever wants to see or meet them.
    I will not offer the information unless he asks and if he ill make sure the distance is kept until I think he's ready to understand that they are not automatically family.
    TTC since March 2015: 5 ICIs & 5 IUIs -all BFN
    July 2016- IVF w/BC/Lupron/Gonal-f/Ovidrel - converted to IUI- BFN
    Sept 2016-IVF w/BC/Lupron/Gonal-f/Ovidrel- Two 3d ET- BFP @ 9dp3dt, Beta#1: 209 @ 12dp3dt, #2: 782 @ 15dp3dt - EDD 6/3/17 - It's a Boy!
  • babymakes3babymakes3 Posts: 433 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    I have the same opinion 12 years ago. I wanted an unknown donor. We didn't want contact with siblings. As your children get older you will see that they will dictate what they want. It's their DNA and they will let you know. My son was pretty disappointed when he found out it was an unknown daughter. On his own he asked if there we're other siblings. He has seen pictures and thinks it's really cool. He's almost 12 and he wants his story to be his story not my story
  • FutureSMBCFutureSMBC Posts: 1,018
    edited November -1
    babymakes3 wrote:
    He's almost 12 and he wants his story to be his story not my story

    Love this!
    I hope I can continue contact with the families over the years so the kids have an option to meet if they so want.
    TTC since March 2015: 5 ICIs & 5 IUIs -all BFN
    July 2016- IVF w/BC/Lupron/Gonal-f/Ovidrel - converted to IUI- BFN
    Sept 2016-IVF w/BC/Lupron/Gonal-f/Ovidrel- Two 3d ET- BFP @ 9dp3dt, Beta#1: 209 @ 12dp3dt, #2: 782 @ 15dp3dt - EDD 6/3/17 - It's a Boy!
  • OkayBabyOkayBaby Posts: 503 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    I do consider the fact he will have his own agenda someday .. and I can only assume he'll be curious as well. I do hope he shares my values that donor anything is not family, but I also realize how selfish a thought that is lol ...I swear I have such mixed feelings on this topic!
  • ljimpey86ljimpey86 Posts: 387
    edited November -1
    I have contact with 3 other families who used the same donor. I consider the the other children donor siblings, but my daughters donor is just that, a donor. I do find it interesting seeing all the other little ones and comparing personalities, physical characteristics etc. Also I think that because my daughter will NEVER EVER be able to find out any information on the donor (because he is anonymous) I feel like she deserves to someday have the option of knowing about donor siblings. Or having the option to not know them. I just want her to make that decision when she is old enough to understand, not me. I'm obviously not her, but if I was in the same situation I think I would want to know that I had donor siblings out there.

    My husband was initially on board with having contact with others before our daughter was born, but has since decided that he would rather not know about them. He is fine with me still having contact though. I enjoy the relationship that I have with the other families, and the fact that we have all used "non- traditional" ways to have children.

    It is such a unique situation that we are all in. My husband and I have had conversations about wanting to have more children and we are not sure if we want to use a donor again. I am fine with it (although I would want to use the same donor again if that happened), but he wants to try to have fertility treatments to have a biological child. I can't pretend to understand where he is coming from, but with the increase in the price of vials, we figured out that it would be about the same price from him to be on fertility medications as it would be to buy donor sperm, so we will see what happens.
    Wife to DH with hypopitutarism and azoospermia
    Try #1 ICI 8/15 -BFN
    Try #2 ICI & IUI 9/15 -BFP!

    Abbigail Helen born 6/5/2016 7lb6oz
  • SatoriSatori Posts: 11 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    mama5 wrote:
    I haven't gotten access to the nw sibling registry yet- should have later today. They had to research my pregnancy report since my son is 9 years old. I know there is one sibling registered on the paid sibling registry. I also remember several pregnancies and births with my donor when I was pregnant. I saw photos on the old website- people could post pictures in a photo section. I think my son favors my older children and myself especially my oldest son. Yet when I see the pictures of the donor siblings it is amazing how much they look alike. I would like my son to have the option to make these connections later if he is interested. I have come across children over the years that make me wonder if they could be donor siblings or relatives of the donor. One in google images while looking at a tourist attraction we were going to visit. The little boy looked so much like my son that he pointed at the picture and said that's me. The boy had two siblings with some of my son's features and they were from Spokane. The other is a little boy that one of my college roommates adopted from foster care. She posted their pictures together and pointed out that they could be twins. I know that not everyone that looks like him is going to be a donor sibling. I have seen people with uncanny similarities. My point is that if I wonder if they could be donor siblings and I'm curious I know that he may be too and I'd like to have a few answers for him.

    This is an old post but you got my attention, we used 026 and I know there is a donor sib boy in Spokane but his mother passed away shortly after posting here near as I can tell. I'm wondering if our kids are sibs?
    SMC to 2 kids, 18 and 12 yrs
    Happy to have contact with donor sibs from 026
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