Never thought I'd be here again.

I had my first m/c, or chemical, at 5w6d in 2009. I chalked it up to my first O in a long time due to weight loss. I was devestated because it was from one weekend with my ex, and no chance to just try again. No one really understood. I was 34 and had no prospects in sight. I started to feel jealous of the women who just did it on their own, no worries what so ever. I juat wasnt in the right place, nor had any knowledge other than a one night stand, in how to go that route. A few months later i decided i was done. My son had severe behavioral issues that were affecting the whole family.

I met dh a few months later and he had had a V years ago, so it was all set. But something changed as i got older. I realized i still thought of that LO that wasnt meant to be. I had named him Joshua one day when i woke up from a dream about him and the name stuck. I was always sad around the m/c date and the edd for him. I say him because it just felt right. Anyway, dh and i started talking and he wasnt convinced right away. Then aomething happened to him. He realized he missed so many years with me and wanted to experience lifes joys with me.

We started researching reversals and found that since it had been so long since his V,it was unlikely to work, and would cost us over 10000 for the best one. We had the world leader in reversals here in town, but the chances were so slim. So, we put it all on the backburner and got married in 2013.

We started looking into donor sperm and i was actually the more reserved about it than he was. He said he had 4 children, and wasnt even sure if #1 was biologically his, but he didnt care. He raised him so it was his child. He said anyway i got pg, the child would be ours. So, research began in earnest.

He wasnt working, and im a social worker so crap income, but we saved what we could. I went to get checked and based on charts all was fine. I went to my OB and she checked my levels because my LP was only 9-10 days. I had low P. It was a 4. She said while i do ovulate, sustaining a pg on that level would be impossible. So, we started clomid and monitoring levels.

After 3 cycles we found 150mg gave me a high enough level. Next cycle we tried.

She had the timing off, and wouldn't listen to me, so it was a bust cycle. Next cycle was perfect. I begged for P in case. She said they will only prescribe that once i get a bfp. I had a huge clump of mucous around 9dpiui and had other pg signs. Sadly, af started 2 days later. I was so pissed. Dh was finally working and some wonderful woman on here told me about a clinic near me that was run by infertility nurses backed up by doctors. Since we finally had money saved, not much, but enough to have bought 6 vials, we made an initial appt.

She did scans and bw that my other ob refused. All bw and scans were great for someone my age. We were thrilled. So, next cycle we started. First cycle was a bust. IUI was 41 hours post trigger, when i knew I Od at 18 hours past trigger. So bfn. Next cycle i asked if we could trigger at home and do iui at 30 hours. She was fine with that, but thought our timing was perfect last cycle. So, we did it and all was well. BFP at 12dpiui! !! We were theilled!! I wanted to test to see the lines get darker, but that never happened. First betas were 31 on 13dpiui. She wanted over 50. I just had a hunch and asked when i could get repeat. She wanted me to wait til next week. I finally asked if i could do friday. She let me and we found betas down to 5. So, for 2 glorious days i was pg.

Dh is trying to help and saying things like well, we know timing now, and at least we know i can get pg, and apparently fairly easily with good timing. This isnt helping. Now i fear of getting pg and m/c or of just not getting pg.

What if while i have great numbers, i dont have any good eggs left??? What if i never get pg again? What if I do? Now i sit and wait for the progesterone levels to drop. They were 49 friday. My temp is dropping, but no flo yet. She didnt say we had to wait any longer than first real af, but she didnt say anything about that really, so i assume we would be good.

Im frustrated because i had an hsg and dont want to waste the fertility boost. Then i hear getting pg after m/c also sometimes is a boost. My last m/c was just a regular 5 day period and i was back to a normal cycle the next month. I think since i was so early it was like that. Im also hoping the same for this. Im also hoping that since hcg was a 5, i wont need anymore bw. No one has mentioned it. Ill call my doc tomorrow and cancel my appt for friday.

I just want to be able to get excited about being pregnant. I didnt really get to with my first 2. I was 19 with my son and umarried. I was also unmarried with my second, and even tho it was the same dad, my parents hated him and he wasnt a good dad already. Even with the third i was slightly excited, but still anxious because once again it was the same dad, who hadnt gotten any better. Chalk it up to bad timing and alcohol, lol.

That is me. Im terrified, and also wondering if not getting pg would have been better than losing it. Im all mixed up and trying to figure this out. All i know is i want another so badly. And i dont think i would be the same if we gave up. But, at what cost? We may put vaca on the backburner due to cost of this. We only have 2 vials left, so instead of each cycle being a bit over 700, it will be over 1000. We can do it, but not much else. Then i wonder if we should just wait and save for ivf, but even that isnt a guarentee, and 10000 would be for 1 shot. And i will be 40 in july. We do have a free consult from a clinic we went to a seminar for last weekend, but dh thinks they will tell us stats to push us to ivf. He has even jokingly said if i have a 1 night stand and get pg he wouldbe fine with it, because it would bring us a baby. While ive contemplated it, i could never do it. But i love him even more for that.