You want me to what?? (kinda long)

mamamia

I got a phone call today that still has me scratching my head and rethinking soooo many things!!! I guess I should give you back story first--so I have a friend who is much younger than I am (he is 23 I am 33). We were friends for a short amount of time before we talked about him being a KD for me and possibly co-parenting. Oh and I guess I should tell you he is gay so we had no worries about having any weirdness in the relationship department. Well at the time he was only about 21 and was partying and playing and being a kid which I wanted him to do. I was going through testing at the time anyway for my PCOS and multiple miscarriages so we decided to not go through with it. I continued to use frozen off and on over the next two years. Recently I decided I was done trying. It just became too much for me financially and emotionally- I know I will have kids and want to adopt and so I was and am ok with not giving birth. WELL, I get a phone call today from him and his new fiancee (who happens to be just as amazing as he is- he actually got him to call down and grow up alot) and they have decided they want to get married and have kids....with ME!!! They both talked so fast I couldnt even speak. They are offering to pay for any doctor visits etc and they want to co-parent not just me have a baby for them. They are willing to use either one of them for it to happen- my friend knows how much I cant wait to be a mommy and they wanna be daddies....sounds simple right...but its not-- I dont know if I can go through all of the emotions again--How would my family deal with it (not that I REALLY care most of them would be sooooo happy) -- I just started my Doctorate program--how is THAT gonna work? ugh-- I cant tell anyone else right now because I just cant take the in my face kinda thing right now -- ugh been sitting here for hours trying to work on a paper and stressing and crying ...
Thanks for ALWAYS being here ladies!! I have appreciated it for years now and am happy to know I can always come to you for a shoulder or an opinion!! You dont have to say anything if you dont want but thanks for letting me air it out for myself!

sugarprincess

Wow, that is a lot of info to process for you. Are you willing to share your child? I dont think i could do that, if i was single i wouldnt want anyome but me making decisions for my child. I think it would be hard but that is just me. I am sure you have thought about that though

coryandamanda

I agree. I think that is the biggest decision is to be willing to share your child. I couldn't do it. Good Luck.

TheOtherLovingMoms

Wow that is a big decision. I don't have any advice for you on what to do because I don't know what I would do if I were in that situation. I guess it all depends on how bad you want a child and how much more you are willing to go through to have that child and know that you are going to have to share it. A lot to process. Good luck in whatever you decide to do because no matter what anyones opinions are, ultimately the decision is yours and you have to do what is right for you and makes you happy. *****hugs*****

stwrr

Heya.

First, just take some time and process this. If they want to get together and talk right away, find a good time after you've had 5-6 days, or a week or two, to think about this. You're in the middle of a semester now, so maybe wait until after spring break or finals to really give it some thought..

How does it feel? Inside? Are you crying because it hurts to have hope again? Are you crying because you are scared of the possibilities with co-parenting? Are you crying because you had just accepted not giving birth and going with adoption, or are you crying because you thought you had accepted it, and really hadn't? Just... figure out how you're really feeling, and maybe you need to talk with both of them, a lot, before you get there.

The idea of co-parenting can be both thrilling and a relief, and incredibly stressful. How well do you know then? How long have you know them? Are they the kind of men you want in your life, the rest of your life? Forever? If you don't know, then start spending more time with them to find out. Ethically, do they line up with your standards? Same religion? This isn't something you just know the answer to - it takes time to find out. Start spending a couple nights a week together - sort of like dating. If you don't have time to do that now, then wait. But if you think there might be something here, if they are the kind of men you could see being daddies to your child, then pursue it. It could be a great dream come true - good healthy sperm, two daddies for your baby, more extended family (you can never have enough people loving your child), monetary support for the conception process and for your child and their future.

But if you do move forward, of course, you know to see a lawyer and have a thorough co-parenting agreement written up. See this site for some good sample CoParenting agreements, just to give you an idea of some things to think or talk about. Maia also offers pre-conception counseling, in person and from afar, for potential coparents. http://www.maiamidwifery.com/preconception.htm

Good luck. You'll be fine. And it'll be the right decision, whatever you choose. Just give it time.

~ Sandy

chandraandamanda

Wow! You must be so overwhelmed. No doubt that is a very difficult decision to make. After you have time to think things through, you'll make the best choice for you and your future child. Families come about from many different circumstances. What works for someone else, would never work for another. Whichever route you choose to become a parent, your child will be lucky to have a mother who has been struggling over their best interests before they were even conceived.

LoveShackBaby

I second stwrr - check out the maia site. It's helpful.

I know lesbian and gay male couples (the guys mixed their sperm {interesting, right? }and girl A inseminated girl B with it)who have done the co-parenting. I think it's more people to love the child. It's not "sharing your child" if it is the child that all of you want and agreed to raise together. You would all be sharing in the love and responsibility and hardships that come with parenting. Lots of families split up and though it may be called shared custody, it's not like borrowing an outfit or sharing a movie. It's bigger than that and I think all parties need to be aware of the seriousness and logistics of it.
With that said - good luck processing and making and informed decision!

Flowergirl

I have no words of advice but I just want to wish you all the best... I know what it's like to want a baby so very badly that you start considering ways to become a Mommy that you never even considered before. Only you know what you can live with and we're all here for support. **HUGS** for moral support, direction in coming to the right decision for you, and peace with whatever you ultimately decide.

K&H

I think everyone has come up with some good thoughts on co-parenting... I wanted to add my two cents on ttc and parenting while working on your doctorate. So.. here goes. I am in my 5th year of my doctorate (18 months to go) and have E who is now six months old. We started ttc six months into my grad school time. I wish that we had gotten pregnant sooner, but things didn't happen that way. All the way along I thought that ttc and potential baby stuff was stressful... but then of course looking back on it it seems like it would've been easier sooner than now. For example, as a student I was going to classes one day a week and working four days a week (not getting paid). But as time has gone on my responsibilities and workload have increased as it leads up to the end of my degree. E was probably born at the absolute worst time of all.. I had just started my internship six weeks prior and was at the height of dissertation writing... I was only able to take a week off after her birth and then had to get back in the swing of things right away (thank goodness I didn't have the physical recovery that H had!). It was really, really, really hard to be away from her and focus on my internship. Then, when she was ten weeks old, we decided to follow H's job to New York and I jumped off the grad school train for a year. Now I'm home with E and H every day and have postponed my degree by a year.

Looking back on it, being a student with small, well cared for responsibilities and plenty of time to finish my dissertation would've been great for parenting a tiny one. Exhausting, yes, but great as well. I think that ttc and working on a doctorate can actually work well together. TTC can be overwhelming and feel like you're getting nowhere, as you well know, and if you're making progress on your degree at the same time at least you can see movement somewhere, you know?
As a student do you have health care? With multiple miscarriages I'm sure you'll want to be working closely with your doctor, so having a good plan would be important.
Anyway, I'm rambling on.. but the point is that if you want it to work with grad school, it will.