Difficult night last night-Am I being selfish?

Jais

My brain was going 180 miles an hour last night and could barely sleep. I kept thinking 'I'm alone, should I really do this?'....I just know that I am about to be 35 and no prospects for getting married any time soon. I want to be a mother, teach them French, and love them to bits. I just cried and cried but it didn't make that longing go away. It is still there. I guess since the time is getting closer, I am thinking so much and trying so hard to make the best choice.

No one said life was easy or fair!!!

KTZ

You don't need to be partnered to have a baby. It is more work on your own, but there are a lot of amazing single moms. If you want it and feel that you are in a place in your life that you can deal with the responsibility then factor that into your decision.

Its a totally personal decision.

Good luck.

KNS

I think it's perfectly natural to feel some fear and uncertinay when having a baby with or without a partner. I usually have 2-3 freak outs right before or during a pregnancy. Make sure to surround yourself with a strong support system. You can do it!

cptncrb

There are several SMBC on this board. Talk to them maybe they can give you some insight. There are even single moms with multiples and with more than two child. They are the inspirations. I have a partner and when I am alone with my son when my DP is out of town, I gain a whole new respect for the single moms.

Many are on the Beyond boards and are really nice ladies.

Shaeley Mae

Been there done that!!
My biggest reassurance was prayers and signs from God.
The month before I was supposed to AI I finally gave up on making the logical decision from my brain, or a sensitive one from my heart. I prayed to God that he would give me a sign.
A week later I was laying in bed, at the end of a long day, and I was reading "Becoming a Better You", by Joel Osteen. And as I read towards the bottom of first page in the second chapter, there was a singled out sentence, surrounded by a blank line above and below it, and centered on the page. Based on the spatial positioning, there was no doubt that is was an important point. It read:
"You will give birth to more in the future than you have lost in the past"
I couldn't believe what I had read. As soon as I realized that - that was my sign I immmediately started sob tears of joy and relief, and reassurance. It was like a total release .... a sigh of relief .... a confirmation that I WAS making the right decision.
And then on a lighter note, when I actually made the call to order my swimmers, the hold music was playing "Wendy", by the Beach Boys ..... that's my name. : )
So, I don't know if you are a woman of faith, or if you give any merit to signs, but both worked wonders to ease my mind. And, just maybe, God gave me that sign so that I could share it with you too.

And if not, know that being an SMBC is not a new concept. You are not one of the radical rebels of the new milleneum. Women have been making these decisions for years. Some of them go the "free" route, if you know what I mean, and others are more calculated and formal about it. I'm also willing to bet that many of them are GREAT moms, and that they are forever grateful for being strong enough to make the leap. Because I'll agree, it takes a strong woman to make the leap.

Follow your heart and don't underestimate yourself.
And please feel free to send me a forum email if you want chat more offline.

Hugs!!

Jais

Thank you all so much. I....don't know but I guess it is only natural to question a decision so huge.

Shaeley Mae your words have been very encouraging so thank you for sharing.

scifimom

I'm new to this forum and TTC. I just had a miscarriage in the 14th week and I'm waiting for my first post-miscarriage AF to order my first vials. I found myself doing that pregnancy with out a partner (I got pregnant the 'old fashioned way'). It showed me just a little taste of what it's like to do this journey as a single person (and that I'm positive I want children.) I asked my mom if she thinks I'm considering all the consequences of becoming a smbc. She said that if people took all the pain that a parent goes through into consideration, then no one would have children. My mom had 3 kids and got divorced, married my dad and he raised all four of us as his own. I don't have to wait for a break-up to be a single mom and I know the 'universe', myself, my friends, community, and supportive extended family will provide all my little family needs. There is room for one more! I feel ya though, I am mourning the loss of (the dream of) creating a family with a partner already present. I'm coming to grips with reality and being in acceptance with gratitude, today is my 34th birthday. I'm crying at times also. But, I'm in gratitude to be alive right now. We have donor sperm available in order to bring more joy into the world with out the burden of legal issues. These truly are amazing times we live in!

Jais

Hey Scifimom thank you for that. It is a hard to think that our dreams can't or won't come true. I am glad that you are going ahead with this and yeah we both have support so that will make it all worthwhile. It is better to go through this alone that have to deal with the breakup of a family. Watching my friends deal with that drama, yeah I don't want that. And the kids don't deserve that either.

Happy Birthday by the way and wishing you all the best with TTC.

cocobay

My mom was a single mother of two and if she could do it over again I am sure she would do it differently. When my dad left us (I was 5, sister was 3 months) she was not in a place in her life to support two children on her own financially and she is not one to accept gifts or handouts so therefore she was ALWAYS stressed. She put herself through college and worked 2 jobs and took care of my sister and I. I saw the struggle first hand and would never, ever want to do it personally. I give major props for mothers who can do it alone. I am not one of them. I always knew growing up that I wanted my children to have two parents because that was something I had always wanted as a child. I never imagined it would be two moms but I could not imagine raising my children with anyone other than Ali. I think it is all based on what you think you can handle. If you can do it (some women can) go for it. It is a personal choice. The difference between you and my mother is that she didn't want that kind of life and never planned to do it alone. My sister and I were aware of that, so I guess we always felt like we were missing something. You know going into this that you will do it alone and your children will never feel like they are missing something because it wasn't there in the first place. Hope I made sence.

Jais

So cocobay one shouldn't have children alone if for whatever reason 'the one' hasn't shown him or herself? I just don't see how being a mother is such a bad thing to want and have to deny just because we happen to be alone. Unfortunately in our world children are in homes with two parents and still are missing something.

cocobay

Oh no no no.. That is not what I was trying to say.. I simply meant that my sister and I didn't like growing up with just one parent. We KNEW there was something missing that my mom had planned to be there. Your children will not feel that there is something missing..

Chrysanthemum

I don't think that is what cocobay was saying. She said if you are prepared, then go for it. It just would not be her choice.

cocobay

Exactly Chrys!! Thank you.

Jais

Oh good because a two parent home doesn't ensure happiness. I am glad that that is not what you meant.

poems0431

I am currently ttc and I plan on being a single mom. I never thought I would choose to be a single mom, but that was the card life dealt me. I wanted the husband and still do, but haven't met the "one" yet. I am at a point in my life where I know that I'm ready to have children. I have a great life that I love, however, deep down inside I know that there is something missing and I know exactly what that something is. Life is about the things that brings you joy and contentment otherwise it can become meaningless. People want and need different things and it is up to the individual to find the things that bring them felicity. So if you feel like you have a void that only a child can fill; then you know, despite being single, you are ready to become a mother.
Also, just because you start out as a single mother, doesn't necessarily mean it will always be that way. There is always the possibility of meeting someone in the future. Just like there's a possibility of someone with a husband or partner becoming a single mother.

Jais

Poems0431 you are right. There is always a possibility of meeting someone and falling in love. It happens all the time. I just worry about waiting too long and risk a child being born with disabilities because of my age. I just think that the time is right. Besides with my tumors I never know. They are going to be there until menopause and without having children, my doctor won't do a hysterectomy and I don't blame him at all. He wants be to have the chance of being a mother naturally and felt that I would regret it if I never tried.

I understand cocobay and your reasons for not wanting to be a single mom. If it isn't for you than you have to do what feels right for you.

KKF13

Wow- what a great discussion. I am 36 and planning to ttc as a SMBC in July. I have considered it for a few years now and know it is the right decision for me. I have great support in my life from family and friends. I spoke to a friend who is in her late 40s and never had children, and she said there is still a longing there. I feel that I am going in with my eyes open and that it will be difficult, but worth it! Who knows what will happen in the future, but I can make the best decision for my potential family now. I feel that having a child is a way of giving back to the world in a positive way. Good luck all you soon to be mothers!

Goobie

Honey - I just wanted to say NO you are not selfish, and I think you must follow your heart. *hugs*

Jais

Thanks Goobie huge HUG right back at ya :-)

It is a tough decision and one not to take lightly. I wish things were different but no one know what the future holds. Oh what plans we make but they can fall through. Gotta make the best of things. Good luck!!!