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I feel ashamed
BabyBugsArrival
Posts: 523
Just wanting to vent for a min, too. We have been trying for a while to get prego. I actually have been trying off and on since Aug 2009. When DP and I got together I stopped for a few months, but she was totally on board, so we waited a short while and started again in Aug 2010. It hasn't worked for us...YET. And I'm beginning to accept that it MIGHT not work. I am still hopeful that it will eventually, but my attitude is changing. I'm going from hopeful to expecting to fail and I HATE to feel that way. I'm (normally) a very positive, thoughts become things, silver lining to every cloud, gratitude is the attitude kind of person.
But, what I feel most ashamed about is the fact that I'm starting to resent other people in my life for saying things or not saying things and, frankly, feeling like this fertility stuff is making me feel less connected to people who can't possibly understand what it feels like. Then, on top of everything, our friends in town, who use the same doctor as us, who got pregnant on their 3rd try back in December, announced that they found out they are having a girl yesterday. From the beginning, we were all so excited, went to dinner together alot, had coffee dates, talked about how excited we were to be trying at the same time. And they wanted a boy, SO BAD, and I've always wanted a girl. And now, they're having a girl. And, when she texted me last night (i've been preparing myself for this day) I felt everything from pure joy for them, to jealousy, to gutwrenching sadness, to waves of nausea. And, right about the same time I got her "yay, its a girl" message, I started bawling, had to interrupt my sister in the middle of a phone conversation and get off the phone, DP walked in from work and looked at me with shock wondering why I was having a breakdown, and I seriously felt like I was about to vomit. And I HATE feeling this way. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I am really so super excited for them. They are very loving and wonderful people who deserve this joy just as much as I do. And it really is two separate emotions. I guess the joy I feel for them and their news was not enough to not make me feel my sadness at not getting pregnant after so many tries. And I guess these freaking hormones are only making me experience even more hard core emotions that run the extreme ends of the spectrum.
Okay, I'm done being sad and reliving it. Just wanted to put it out there. As much as DP tries to be supportive and encourage me, I know she doesn't fully understand how I feel...but I need to lean on her more and give her more credit and also acknowledge her sadness over this, too. You ladies go through the same things as me every single day and have experienced your own pain and sadness, joy and successes, so I knew you would understand. I truly am so happy for everyone who has already gotten their BFP and hopeful for those of you who are still patiently waiting, hoping, praying for yours. Sending out some love and hope for everyone on this ttc journey...I wish you all beautiful bundles of joy!!!
But, what I feel most ashamed about is the fact that I'm starting to resent other people in my life for saying things or not saying things and, frankly, feeling like this fertility stuff is making me feel less connected to people who can't possibly understand what it feels like. Then, on top of everything, our friends in town, who use the same doctor as us, who got pregnant on their 3rd try back in December, announced that they found out they are having a girl yesterday. From the beginning, we were all so excited, went to dinner together alot, had coffee dates, talked about how excited we were to be trying at the same time. And they wanted a boy, SO BAD, and I've always wanted a girl. And now, they're having a girl. And, when she texted me last night (i've been preparing myself for this day) I felt everything from pure joy for them, to jealousy, to gutwrenching sadness, to waves of nausea. And, right about the same time I got her "yay, its a girl" message, I started bawling, had to interrupt my sister in the middle of a phone conversation and get off the phone, DP walked in from work and looked at me with shock wondering why I was having a breakdown, and I seriously felt like I was about to vomit. And I HATE feeling this way. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I am really so super excited for them. They are very loving and wonderful people who deserve this joy just as much as I do. And it really is two separate emotions. I guess the joy I feel for them and their news was not enough to not make me feel my sadness at not getting pregnant after so many tries. And I guess these freaking hormones are only making me experience even more hard core emotions that run the extreme ends of the spectrum.
Okay, I'm done being sad and reliving it. Just wanted to put it out there. As much as DP tries to be supportive and encourage me, I know she doesn't fully understand how I feel...but I need to lean on her more and give her more credit and also acknowledge her sadness over this, too. You ladies go through the same things as me every single day and have experienced your own pain and sadness, joy and successes, so I knew you would understand. I truly am so happy for everyone who has already gotten their BFP and hopeful for those of you who are still patiently waiting, hoping, praying for yours. Sending out some love and hope for everyone on this ttc journey...I wish you all beautiful bundles of joy!!!
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I know it will all work out exactly as it should. Taking it one day at a time and keeping the faith. Good luck to you!!! HUGS!
Hang in there! Is all we can do is keep trying!
Jamie and Kristina
I struggle with feelings of jealousy and it drives me crazy because I have never, ever been a jealous person. It's such a foreign feeling to me and I hate it. Like you, I am truly happy for others who are pregnant and certainly don't wish any difficulties on any of them...but I sooooo want it to be my turn. I have a good friend/co-worker who is pregnant right now. She and her husband were trying at the same time as my wife and I were. Then, she got pregnant...I got pregnant...she miscarried...I miscarried. Her next cycle, she got pregnant again (with a sticky one) and I'm still not. She walks around the office with her baby belly and everyone squeals and congratulates her and I just sit and my desk and try to smile. She bounced up to me excitedly one day to show me her ultrasound picture, which was like a punch in the stomach. I just didn't have that protective guard up. Fortunately, I also work in the same office as my mom (who is incredibly supportive), so I tend to run to her for a quick reality check or hug.
I know all of the logical stuff. It can take a perfectly healthy couple a long time to get (and stay) pregnant. There is nothing physically wrong with me. This will happen for us when the time is right. Once we are holding our child, all of this struggle will be totally worth it. Still, it's impossible to control the immediate gut reaction of envy and sadness, so the best I can do is try to forgive myself for being upset and then focus on the future.
I know there is nothing any of us can say to make you feel any better. Just know that you're not alone...
Cycles 1-5 = BFN, Cycle 6 = BFP (miscarried), Cycles 7-22 = BFN, Cycle 23 = BFP (miscarried), Cycle 24 = BFP...Twins!
My daughter had a baby and a friend of mine, her daughter had a baby also. It was really a rough time.
But what really caught my attention is when people who would get pregnant, they didn't want to tell me b/c they were afraid it would hurt me. I had to call two friends up and let them know that I was OK with it and very happy about their pregnancy, One friend was also experiencing fertility problems and she got pregnant after I had my miscarriage.
I just had to totally embrace it and really be glad for them. I think it really opened up my positive energy.
Hope this helps.
My wife and I started trying in Oct of 2008. We went through two miscarriages together that were simply heartbreaking. We are finally due to welcome our first child in just a few days...
Never give up!
October 2014
So hard to see patients come in preggo too. I work for a low income free clinic. Just had one woman opt for abortion (her second)
Sometimes I feel so hopeful and Im watching the secret everynight, got my vision board full of baby stuff, wearing my st. Gerard the patron saint of pregnant women metal (Im serious) then other times Im so jealous I could spit green nails!
also, i have a 19 year old nephew ( a pot head ) whose (ex)girlfriend gave birth to a baby girl (3 years old today), and to twin boys (3 months). She is with a new guy every month as my nephew is with a new girl just as often. before their daughter was born, she had 2 abortions. The year after her daughter was born, she had 2 more abortions. they had their boys, and she has since (mind you, they're 3 months old) miscarried another. i go over and over in my head how the universe or god or whoever could possibly give her all of these pregnancies while I have struggled off an on for 8 years. I'm a college graduate, successful, stable, tax paying woman, as is my partner, and yet we remain childless as of yet... i admit, i get angry... and i get sad. but i also believe that everything happens for a reason. i hope you're BFP is right around the corner. and PLEASE keep posting, because reading the posts on here helps me more than i can say.
Need to update a ticker, Silas Anthony Jordon born Oct 11, 2013. 6th baby, so much love!
I wish people could understand that our feelings are very complex and, altough are hearts are broken about or TTC issues we are happy for other people when they are pregnant especially if they have struggled.
Every failed cycle takes a chunk of my happiness and I have never detested AF as much as I do now. Some just have to go through more than others, more pain, more disappointment, more time. Me I go through a lot each cycle. I will tell you about my experience this month. The ladies on FB know this story.
I live in New York city and this state has very strict rules about donor sperm. One of them being it is illegal for sperm banks from other states, like Northwest, to ship sperm to New York and to me. Sperm in new york like everything else is incredibly over priced and the sperm banks require you work with a doctor to be able to make a purchase. Since I would like to have money left over to be able to care for my child, I am planning on being a single mom, I have nw ship my swimmers to Hoboken nj at a fed ex facility and held there for pick up. I have to take two subway trains and the path train to get there. This month of all times there was a parade going on. And I had to make my way through it with my swimmers taking baby steps because it was so crowded. A drunk girl crashed into me and the box fell and a guy vomited on my shoes barely missing the box. Then me and my box were packed back on the crowded train like sardines back to new york. You can't get much more crazy and unnatural than that. When I got home I cried, because despite being on a crowded train in new york city I've never felt more alone. Why do I go through this every month? Because my child is the end of the tunnel and that is the only thing giving me the strength and the will to get back on that train again if I am faced with another BFN this month. So ****HUGS***** to all the women with broken hearts still waiting on your BFPs. Remember why it is okay for your hearts to be broken. It'll all be worth it in the end.
1st beta 456 at 15dpo
2nd beta 6000 at 22 dpo
Hugs Ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!