tough stuff

WEhope

Hi everyone,
Though AF has not yet shown up, I'm pretty convinced I'm going to be out for this month, our 9th attempt after the loss of our daughter (who was conceived on the 9th attempt, so I was hoping 9 would be our lucky number again).

I'm feeling really, really down. And last night I got a call from my 23-year-old brother (I'm 32 and my partner is 39). He and his girlfriend are...you guessed it, pregnant. It was an accident. Their due date is October 10, one day after our daughter's was two years ago (5 days before her ultimate birth/death date). There was NO mention of our situation or that this might be difficult for us when he shared the news. But he was sure to share that our dad is "really excited to be a grandfather." It was hard enough when my brother started dating this woman, because she already had a 2-year-old son and, when we lost our daughter, it seemed so unfair that he had this insta-family and we had our child taken away from us in a moment.

And, I went on facebook today for work (I've been staying off of it for personal use, for the most part, because it's just SO difficult with all of the people announcing pregnancies, births, finding out the sex of their baby, etc.). Of course, the first thing that popped up on my feed was to find out that a college friend is expecting a baby boy in August. The second thing in my feed was pictures of another friend's 1-month-old.

I'm starting to wonder if I have the emotional reserve to deal with all of this...but the fact remains that I so badly want to experience pregnancy again, this time with a non-traumatic birth with a happier outcome after our last experience.

I'm just feeling so defeated...
Thanks for any words of inspiration, encouragement, or strength that you have...

Sweetbaby

So sorry to hear about the loss of your little Angel.
It does seem when you are ttc that everyone around you is becoming preg.
and everything around you just screams out BABY!
I know this is a hard time for you right now, as I myself experienced a m/c
just last year. Please do your very best to stay positive & believe that your little
miracle will come.
Also, be happy for your brother and girlfriend. Tell them their baby will be having
a little cousin to play with soon!
I sure hope AF stays away.
Good luck!

Flowergirl

I just wanted to send you a huge cyber ((((HUG)))) and tell you I am thinking of you!!! I know what it's like to want something so very very much and to have done everything in your power to get that one little baby and everyone around you just pops 'em out like it's no big deal. It's hard, sad, upsetting and depressing.... All that is hard enough, without having the added grief from the death of your daughter... I don't know how I would hold up under all that - it's hard enough with only one chemical pregnancy and even though it only barely glinted in my eye, I mourned that loss deeply.

Please please don't give up... this battle is not for the weak of heart but we are strong women - we have more strength within us than we have ever even known and it can and will carry us through - even the most difficult of times. We're all here for you and one day, I am confident you will hold a precious little one in your arms again.

My deepest sympathy on the loss of your little girl... what a tragic turn of events but I will say an extra prayer for you, that baby #2 will find you very soon and help to heal your hearts!

Sassy2u

I am so very sorry for the hurt you are going through. I have previously read your story about the loss you endured and it was absolutely heartbreaking. I have been rooting for you to get that BFP you so deserve. I know it must be very hard to have suffered through such a devastating time and feel as though others do not fully understand. At least since your brother is still quite young you can understand that his lack of empathy when he gave you his good news was most likely derived from not fully knowing the pain you went through and are still going through. I do hope that you find the inner peace that you need in order to continue on your journey toward motherhood. I will keep you in my prayers and I wish you and your partner all the very best.

kyhome123

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sweet daughter when she was 21 months old and it is so hard everyday. If you ever need to talk I am here for you.

KTZ

Your story is heartbreaking. I pray that you have endured all the heartbreak that you will have to. I hope that your family can be more sensitive with your feelings.

Whatever your next steps are, may they be easy and joyful.

tango

The only words of encouragement I have are the standard, "you're not out until AF shows up.". That being said, I can only imagine how hard it must be to keep the faith in the face of such a devastating loss like you had. I truly hope it is your turn to celebrate a BFP and healthy baby very soon.

Autumn&Ryan

(((HUGS)))

jenandlori

Sending you hugs!

WEhope

thanks, everyone...it is so helpful to read your words of advice, encouragement and understanding. so nice to know that those words are here when needed (and that the words of celebration will be, as well...for all of us soon, hopefully!)

BabyBugsArrival

I cannot imagine how hard it is to start ttc again after such a devastating loss. I admire your strength and courage and wish for you the best sticky baby dust possible. Lots of positive vibes and thoughts from me to you for all the best life has to offer. Good luck with this lucky round #9.

korinnesmom

I just read your sad story. Wow, I wish I had words for the pain you no doubt endured. I only know what "almost" is, my little girl in the picture has a chronic seizure condition which almost killed her, and still struggles.

I know that one day, your time will come. It is hard when TTC to see others get their BFP's, esp those that don't seem so deserving.

I am not a religious person but I will pray for healing upon you and your partner's heart and for that BFP!!! And for that ultimately healthy baby. SO sorry you ever had to know such pain in your young life.