I've freaking had it! (long, daycare related)

Autumn&Ryan

I am so incredibly fed up! Right now, for supplemental income I care for two infants in my home. Both are cute little boys, one is 6.5 months, the other 4 months.
The situation with the six month old is awesome, I feel like I am paid addequate...the scheduling is consistant, mom pays on time and the baby is very sweet...I love this little guy to pieces!
The situation with the 4 month old is completely different! He is a VERY fussy baby and most of the time is inconsolable. He SCREAMS and I cannot calm him down. Somedays he cries in excess of one-two hours at a time, depending on how long he is here. I have tried repeatedly to talk to her about it, she donesn't know what to do either. I have cared for MANY infants in my time so believe me...I have tired EVRYTHING! Nothing has worked and he continues to get worse, I think he also senses my frustration which doesn't help anything. I have been forced to put him in the pack-n-play and let him cry it out, but how long is too long? and what do I do when even that doesn't help?
The hours are long she drops him off @ 8am, picks him up @ 6pm but it is just 2-3 days per week. His meltdowns are rediculous, often no apparent reason and he cries when not being held. I feel like I need to tell her I can't do it anymore. Mom and dad are not in agreement with parenting styles. Usually mom drops him off, dad picks him up. His dad often sits and visits for awhile about how the day went and tells me that mom constantly holds the baby without even putting him down when he is napping while at home! She puts him in a moby and packs him all day long. He is fed up too, he is having a hard time caring for his son while she is working.
So, the problem is not what do I do...it is how do I do it?
I am DONE with this child (that must sound bad, please do not judge me, I am a caring person) BUT I can't care for him any longer it is too hard and stressful on me, the other baby and my 3 year old daughter. Dh was home for a personal day a couple of weeks ago and all day just kept shaking his head saying "I don't know how you do it", he eventually left for the rest of the day because it was too much for him!
I just have to come with the "how". I don't want to hurt her feels, she is a friend but I don't want to do it anymore. I am not going to do it anymore so how should I approach this?
For those of you that have children in daycare, how much notice would you need to find another sitter? Would you be upset that a babysitter is "quitting" because your child is difficult?
She has taken him to the doctor who says he is completely healthy, but I am not convinced. It just isn't normal for a child to cry as much as he does.
Not sure how to handle this, looking for suggestions and opinions.
TIA!

Goobie

Just like any other job, 2 weeks notice, and you tell her simply "your babe and I are not a good fit, I feel I cannot give him the care and/or attention he deserves" then stick to you guns. I have been a licenced, registered childcare provider for 7.5 years now, and yes, there are some children we just do not get along with. In this case, it does not sound as if you dislike the child, it is the behaviour. If he was your only child in care, you did not have other peoples kids, or your own, it would b e different. And at 4 months I am not sure that he can adjust to "held at home, not at daycare", it needs to be consistant, and if you cannot offer that (and I am not saying you should, I do not think it is fair to the others or yourself) then you just need to end it. All in all, it is what is best for the little guy, the other little guy in your house, you and your child. "putting up" with a babe who screams all day long is stressful, and unless it is your own child, not worth the extra income, in my opinion. I have lucked out that Canadian Mat Leave is 12 months, so most infants are older when they start coming to me, and by then they can start to understand the differences between home and daycare, but I really think 4 months is too early for such transitions. If Mom was willing to work with him at home, not holding, seeing where it goes there, then I may consider taking him BACK in a few months, but not until that transition period is well established.

*hugs* it is hard, especially when they client is a friend of yours as well... I once had to terminate care for one of my best friends because I could not handle her kids behaviour, and while it put a strain on our friendship for a bit, I kept sticking to "we are not the right fit, your child needs something I cannot offer" and now that she is in a different centre she sees it too and all is well in our world again!

KYST

Maybe he has reflux. Just a thought.

Autumn&Ryan

Thanks Goobie...I knew I could count on you to say something with tact and class instead of the alternative!
KYST:I actually think he may have mild reflux but I am strongly leaning towards something in mom's diet. i think she is eating something he is allergic to and it is passing into her milk and making him colic.

I had a long talk with the mom this evneing and she was very kind, teary-eyed and she felt really bad. She understands where I can coming from, she just has a hard time trusting someone she doesn't know with her precious baby. She knows I treat him like my own. She wanted a child for so long and it finally happened, she wishes she could stay at home with him. I wish she could too, I think it would be the solution in this situation.

I have given her three weeks notice, I think she will find a replacement in that amount of time.

Shanny

I'm glad you were able to talk with her and I would like to recommend that she go out and get the book Colic Solved. It does sound like reflux or allergy issues - Kate had both so I know all too well. He isn't spoiled at this age so there has to be more to it. I hope you can help her see that another child care provider is not the answer (I mean it is for you but not for the baby!)

The book is a lifesaver.

Flowergirl

Hopefully, this is what his Mother needed to maybe dig a little deeper into what may be causing her little one such upset. In all the babies I have cared for, only one acted like you are describing and she was almost exactly his same age. She started staying with me when she was 3 months old and she cried ALL the time unless I was holding her. I absolutely love babies and I usually have infinite patience with infants and young children but there was nothing I could do to keep her happy. Her Mom also held her 24/7 at home, but it may simply have been because that was the only way she could keep her happy and not the other way around. She had to eventually find her a new daycare also, as it just wasn't working out for us. She was never diagnosed with anything technical, her Mother just assumed she had colic. If it helps, I just saw her the other day and she is a happy, healthy, smiling teenager now! :-) Glad you were able to talk to her and that she understood your point of view also. Talking with a friend about their child is never something we want to do, and takes extreme tact and kindness. I'm glad it went well.

Autumn&Ryan

Thank you ladies for your support! Thank you to those who have pm me about three posters in particular.

Anyway, the situation with the little guy is really hard for me, I spoke with his mom this morning. She called to discuss it further and try to come up with a better time frame. She said April 18 is just too soon to find another provider, but she put his name on a waiting list for her daycare of choice and hopefully something will open up soon. I agreed to keep him until then, provided it isn't any longer than May 15. The daycare center told her they have 3 children leaving in May (mom's must be teachers?) so it should work out fine.

smartycat92

I saw no posts that were insulting. I only saw posts that stated that as mothers, they would be upset to hear that their child was left to cry it out even under difficult circumstances. Crying it out is a very hot button topic and while there were some strong opinions about that... every post I saw supported you in this difficult situation and did not expect you to continue to provide services in a situation where it was clearly not working out for you or the infant.

ninefirefly

I agree 100% smartycat. It unfortunately seems like when someone has a dissenting opinion they either need to sugar coat so much that it is unrecognizable or just not post. Since when did disagreement = judgement? The fact of the matter is that this is an open forum and as such there will be different opinions and people need to understand that or not ask for opinions at all.

Chrysanthemum

The beyond side had the same post and there was some not nice comments over there.

onmyown

...and then there are those who find absolutely anything they can to pick at...what is the point of that, really?

ninefirefly

Chrysanthemum - what was said that was not nice?

Chrysanthemum

Something about how laying the baby in a pack n play for a few min was unacceptable and irresponsible.

I completely disagree, If she needs to lay the baby down and take a min to get it together then so be it.

ninefirefly

What was said was that letting the baby cry it out was unacceptable at 4 months of age. That is completely different than laying him in a pack and play to give herself a few minutes of peace. Letting them 'cry it out' implies that by not soothing them you are teaching them to soothe themselves which a 4 month old is incapable of becasue they don't cry because they want something they cry because they need something. Laying them down to collect yourself implies that you know he probably will not learn anything, you just need a minute. Two totally different concepts.

Autumn&Ryan

I am not going to direct this at any on particular poster, YOU know who you are.

But guess what?....I know who I am too, and I am a good person. A loving provider who happens to have a difficult situation. There are MANY parents and providers who deal with difficult children everyday. I believe I handle the situation pretty well but I am only human and do get stressed out. I was ONLY looking for the "what I would do" type of advice, not the accusatory type.

This forum is suppose to be one of support and compassion, if you don't like me or something I have said, why comment? why not just ignore the question?

For those of you who have been supportive, THANK YOU! I really do appreciate your help and the "putting myself in your shoes" way you approached my question.