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Age gaps
2moms
Posts: 731 ✭✭
Do you feel that there is an "ideal" age gap between baby #1 and baby #2? We are thinking about TTC baby #2 in July/August depending on when our house is done being built. If that cycle worked C would have just turned 2. Is that to soon...? It shouldn't be this hard but I don't want him to think that the "new" baby took his place!
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I have researched this topic endlessly, and even though our age gap is "set" I still look and read about this topic. It is fascinating, and there is no end to the opinions for and against specific age gaps. We aimed for a 2-2.5 year age gap (that's when we started trying for #2), and ended up with a probable 3.4 year age gap.
I couldn't be happier with the way things have worked out for us. Our son will be as "ready" as he can be when the new baby gets here. I am so glad that he got to be "the baby" for as long as he did, and I really think it is very likely that he will remember the birth (not the actual 'birth') of his baby sister and have memories of her as an infant. That is special to me.
On the other hand, I would have loved for him to have a playmate (other than me or my wife) right now. "Play with Me!" is a regular sentence in his vocabulary and I so want to say "Go play with Emerson" sometimes...(if she would hurry up and get here!!).
So good luck on your soul searching...you never know what age gap you will get...but it's fun to hear other's experiences, both with their own childhood and their current children.
It is hard when they are both young as far as needing you for everything. They tend to get alot more independent at age 3 so I think that alot of people wait for that age gap. But I think the 3s are much more challenging than the 2s so I would rather have a newborn with a 2 year old than a 3 year old.
However, this is with the ability for both of them to have undivided attention from their parents at the very least at night time and weekends.
From Darling's perspective she doesn't remember life without Esther. She loves Esther so much and asks for her from the moment she wakes up in the morning to the moment she goes to bed. She has started sharing her toys, now that Esther has teeth she tries to share her food, she's teaching her things (right now it's to flap her hands and scream, which they both think is hilarious). This age gap seems great to us because there's enough difference between them to notice and appreciate while they're small, but the older they get the more the gap closes and soon enough they'll be doing the same things and on nearly the same level which will be great for them as playmates and best friends.
For our little family, we've always said that 18 months was the prefect age gap. We've nannied for more than 70 kids over the past 13 years and that's what has felt most natural and right for us and the way that we "parent". We enjoy having a big group of kids all near each other however. I think it's really such a personal thing and so different for everyone. In reality we'll end up with a 2+ year difference due to my internship and travel needs.
ds1 could talk well and was settled nicely in the 2's class at daycare (with a teacher that he still adores to this day) and was just starting to show some interest in potty learning. we had some minor hiccups when ds2 first came home but you'd expect an adjustment period - he didn't want dp, he told me to give ds2 back to dp when he wanted me to do something, and he wanted me to lay with him until he fell asleep (we stopped that pretty quickly however). he potty learned within a few months of ds2 being born.
then after he turned 3 he moved to the preschool room and i am so glad we didn't have a new baby when he was 3!! we have had lots more challenges with him at 3 than we did at 2 plus there are some unruly boys that he interacts with both in preschool and pre-k that are not good influences (but that is another story!).
ds1 and ds2 are playing together (as best they can until ds2 has better language) and they obviously love each other. they do wrestle a lot and we have to remind ds1 (42lbs, 45" tall) to be careful with ds2 (28lbs, 32" tall). we are looking forward to them playing more with each other because right now we have to interact with ds1 for some play that ds2 isn't old enough for (like his lego sheep game. ds2 would try to eat the pieces).
we are gearing up to ttc baby #3. with any luck there will be a similar gap (or less) between ds2 and baby #3. i think that will be ideal. there are 5 years between me and my little brother but we happily played lego together and all 3 of us (my sister is in the middle, 2.5 years younger than me) played games when we were school age.
as cory said, dp and i aren't getting any younger and while it might be nuts to have 3 under the age of 5 this is what will work best for our family.
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Baby #5 will be 18, 17, 13 and 9 years younger!
Need to update a ticker, Silas Anthony Jordon born Oct 11, 2013. 6th baby, so much love!
My goal was to have 4 kids and I didn't want to push pregnancies past 40, so when it came to baby #3, I jumped the gun and was going to only have a 2 year gap between the youngest kiddos. As I learned with some time, that would've been a really poor fit for my daughter. She was still pretty needy and wanted to be the "baby" and the focus. She definitely needed to have more individual time and was not ready to have a baby come along. Although she's always loved babies, having one that would've taken time away from her would've been a gynormous adjustment. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage.
I am now carrying my 4th pregnancy. My daughter will be 3 (actually a few months shy of 4) and could not be more excited to have a baby on the way. My friends all joke that my daughter and I will have a tug-of-war trying to be the primary caregiver of this baby. My son, who is 6, continues to be a very sweet, understanding, and nurturing big brother and is thrilled to have a baby brother on the way. This is not just my TTC project, it is OUR project, in every way. I love that they are both old enough to understand and support the idea of a new sibling without feeling threatened.
I don't think there is just one "right" answer. Differing family dynamics play a big part. I know that for me, a SMBC, I wanted the freedom to be able to focus on my newest family member without making anybody else feel hurt or threatened. I really recommend the 3 year age gap. Having said that, the miscarriage and fertility struggles that followed have forced me to come to the realization that I won't reach my goal of 4 kids prior to 40. But I'm feeling really good about being a SMBC to 3.