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roles of lesbian parents and jealousy

2wannabemommies2wannabemommies Posts: 44
edited November -1 in Pregnancy and Babies
Hey! I don't post very much but I'm having an issue that I would like help with! I'm the bio mom of our daughter Haddie who is 10 weeks old. I returned to work last week and it was really hard for me. What makes it more difficult is that I have to commute 3 hours and spend the night 2 nights. Last week when I got home I felt disconnected from my baby and it felt like I had to relearn her cues. It felt awful. On top of that I felt really jealous of my partner because she's getting to spend all this time with her. Originally she was going to return to work when haddie was 1 month and I would have a month by myself with her. She didn't return to work because they were slow. So I haven't had any alone time with her. This bothers me and I can't figure out if I'm being hormonal or irrational. We have decided that she's going to stay at home until haddie is about 6 months or so and I'm insanely jealous. Will this get better?.

Also, what roles did some of you take on as your children grew up? It seems we both want to be mommy and I'm not sure how that's going to play out as haddie grows up. Will our feelings get hurt if she chooses one over the other when she's upset? It's so hard to navigate through these feelings of having a new baby.

Thanks for listening!

~Kari

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    yfnryfnr Posts: 418
    edited November -1
    While I have no personal experience, I have a close friend who is one of two moms to their daughter. She shared this with me a few weeks ago saying that it was totally how she felt. Her and her partner actually went into counseling after their daughter was born because of feelings like yours. I think they are very rational and normal. I would just make sure you communicate with your partner so she knows how you feel. She may also have many feelings of jealousy because she is not genetically connected to the child.

    http://www.gaycitynews.com/articles/2011/03/23/news/doc4d8a33c59f608587700974.txt
    Jamie
    Mommy to Twins plus One - donor 733
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    K&HK&H Posts: 3,368 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Hi Kari,
    Don't worry, you are NOT alone! This two mommy thing is definitely tricky to navigate. Come join us over on the Queer Parenting board on mothering.com http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/list/235 There are so many families like ours over there (not that there aren't here, but that board seems to gravitate more toward this type of topic). I bet that a lot of what you're feeling is intense sadness over missing your baby, and would be happening whether it was your partner at home with Haddie, or your mom, or a nanny... I'm sure part of it is hormones, but that's what makes the mommy bond so strong! Come join us over on the other board, there's a "queer and newborn" thread, one just for the non-bio moms (for your partner if she'd like), and you are more than welcome to just open up a new topic for all of the mommies over there as well!
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    fischfisch Posts: 570 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    We had these feelings too. It took us about a year to find a rhythm as a family...for so long we were two, adding a 3rd changed the dynamic so much. We definately had jealousy issues, each back and forth at different times. Lots of heart to hearts, and tears have helped us navigate.

    This time around my wife is carrying, so I "get" her feelings even more now that I am on the flip side. It's surreal. I am planning to take off 2 months under our FMLA law after my wife goes back to work. Emerson should be about 4-6 months then and I CANNOT wait. That will be my alone time with her, which I know I will crave. Plus, she won't have to go into daycare like our son did at 4 months....I hated that! There is a big difference between 4 and 6 months.

    If I were you I would be jealous too - having that alone time is critical. My wife didn't take any time off to be with our son, we didn't really understand the fmla laws. In retrospect, this would have helped us out tremendously. It would have also helped her to bond with our son more quickly....it took longer than we expected as she grappled with motherhood at first.

    I wish you luck. Definately seek help and guideance....
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    2wannabemommies2wannabemommies Posts: 44
    edited November -1
    Thank you so much for your replies! It makes me feel so much better to know that others have these same feelings! I was really starting to feel guilty about it. I know that my daughter is so lucky to have two mommies that love her so much, but I still feel jealous. I also know that it's hard on my DP to be a mother to Haddie but not have given birth to her. I know it bothers her that she can't breastfeed. Atleast I have that. I suppose it's an even trade. It's really been a huge help that my DP has been off work since Haddie was born, but it's just not what I planned for or expected. I guess I didn't realize how excited I was to be alone with Haddie. It also makes me sad to know that there will be very few days where it'll be just me and Haddie since I've returned to work. I'll make sure I talk to her about it. I don't think she knows that I'm upset.

    K&H- I'll check out that forum. Thanks so much!

    ~Kari
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