Calling men "daddy"

Kari

Justin's 22 months old, and the other day he called his his grampy "daddy" for the first time. I think he's trying to figure out who to apply that term to, and I'm at a loss as to what he might understand. When it happened, both my dad and I pretended it didn't happen, but talked about it privately later.

I'm sure there's some confusion about names at this point (at daycare there are nanas, grandmas, lolas, mimis, papas, grandpas, moms, and dads). But I couldn't help but feel a little sad that I can't point out who some of those people are in his life, since he has exactly one mom, one grandpa, one aunt, one uncle, and two cousins.

KYST

Do you call your dad "daddy"? If so, he's probably just repeating what he hears. Most kids go through a stage where they call their parents by their first names because that's what they hear other people call them.

coryandamanda

Lexi started talking about her "daddy" recently. She keeps saying her dad's name is Constantine and he is 5 years old??!! Very random. We just keep talking with her about not having a daddy and different families, blah blah blah, whenever she does it. After a while she started responding with, "I know MOM, he's just pretend!!"
Haidyn doesn't call men daddy but calls every older man she sees Pop Pop :-)

Kari

I thought maybe he was mimicking what I call him, but I only ever call my dad "dad." But, that's very close to daddy and he hears daddy at daycare sometimes. Fortunately he's a little sheltered there because one of his two daycare providers is separated, three kids in the room are being raised by grandparents, and only two are ever dropped off or picked up by their dads. So he mostly sees what he sees at home: moms and grandparents picking up/dropping off kids. But I wasn't sure if it's too early to start the "why our family is different" speech and books when his conversations are mostly about trucks, trains, and buses.

Zen

We have adopted friends for more relatives so Shiloh has assorted aunts and uncles, 2 grandmas, and a grandpa. She mimicked a friend calling her father "Dad" but he swiftly said no, I'm B's daddy and your uncle. And she happily said mine mine mine. She doesn't lack for positive male role models; just doesn't have one with that title.

mel

I have seen many children go through this stage, both donor conceived and not. My son does it sometimes. My kids don't have any uncles and only see grandfathers occasionally. I am positive that at this age, they are not sadly lamenting the fact that they don't have dads. It's just that the men they come in contact with the most have that title, so it gets applied to all men. Last week I helped my son in the bathroom at school and when we came out, a man was walking by to pick up his child. My son said "Dad, potty!" to him because he was proud and wanted to share that. I'm positive he didn't think that guy was his dad or that it was about wanting a dad.

I bought my kids a dollhouse recently and they called all the men "dad" for a while. It really bothered their other mom, who kept assigning complex emotions and thoughts to it, as if they thought all families need a dad, etc. They weren't actually putting families together, though, just playing with all the people. We started calling them "man" and the kids do that now. They just didn't have the language before.

annerbones

I think it is almost an innate concept, I know that it isn't but sometimes it feels like it is with little ones.

I don't know what the most appropriate age is to explain you don't have a "dad" but, I have had some broken down version of this conversation with Maggie since before she was born. I say, you are so lucky you have a Nana, Papa, etc. I don't say you don't have a dad. I think that conversation probably comes later when they are cognitively able to comprehend it maybe around 4-5 (Memories start to really stick at this age.)

Good Luck!

K&H

Darling went thru a thing at 22 months where she started calling everyone Mommy.. and she has one of those! It didn't matter that she had one, she called everyone Mommy, even her Daddy. Then it moved on to using "mommy" to mean "I want that"... we talked about how a Mommy is a person and hers is named A---, Esther has a mommy and hers is named K---, Sophia has a mommy and hers is named G---... it took a while, but she's getting the idea. It's more about two names rather than being about the idea of what a mommy is for her. She just wants to label. I'm sure Justin just wants to label as well.. he has this label, daddy, and he wants to figure out where it goes.

care&ali

I don't have anything to contribute here, being that I'm not a mom yet, but I did want to thank you all for your insight. Its these kinds of unknowns that scare me. The "what if I don't say or do the right thing" when something unexpected comes up. I know that there will aLWAYS be unplanned, unexpected scenarios with little ones. I'm just glad to be able to get a ton of information form all of you. Keep posting!!

twicejess

It amazed me how early on Lauren picked up on the "daddy" idea. Most of our friends are married straight people (how gay of us) and Lauren has known that her friends have daddies and she doesn't for several months now. She will tell you that she has 2 mommies and no daddies. We also don't shelter from books with things about moms and dads. We just explain that some kids have both a mom and a dad.
I would start telling him now about the different families. He may not fully understand the situation but it's a learning process and eventually he will get it.

Do you hang out with any mom/dad families? That may be a good introduction as to how all families are different.

yfnr

My kids got very interested in daddy's when they were around two. Whenever we would hang out with a good friend of mine and her husband, my kids would always call him dad. I just assumed that they did it because that's what their friends called him - it was just hilarious to see the looks we got because he is black and his kids - also twins are only 6 months older than mine. Stranger must have been absolutely puzzled.

Around the same time the kids spoke more often about dads in general and included a dad role in their play. We went with it, and answered questions as they came. It eventually passed. Like twicejess we often used the opportunity to talk about how different families are created and made up of different people. Now it's no big deal, but I assume I will go through it again with M.

pixybellestarr

My son talks to me all the time about how much he wants a dad and it just breaks my heart. He knows he doesn't have a dad. He is at his cousins house everyday and sees them with their dad so I think that's a big part of why he wants one.

babymakes3

this is a great time to start talking about different families. there is a great book called "the family book" by todd parr. so cute. my son's teacher read it to the class this year after he mentioned that he loved taking vacations with his mommy and momma and some kids were like"what??? and how???"
we had a major deal at 4 yrs we he demanded to know his name and freaked and made it up. then i had to retreat and come on the boards to get advice for how to fix it. i ended up telling him the truth and then told him that he doesn't have a dad because there is not a man living in the house. Now at school when parents ask he just tells them i don't have a dad. they always seem to feel sorry for him though. that part is not good

bethiebrooke

My son's bio father wasn't around until he was a bit past two and up until then, he had always known my husband as "daddy," that's what his two children call him and that's what he calls him. So when the bio father became a constant in his life, I didn't know how to explain that you have two men with the same title. For the first couple of years, he was called by his name and that worked fine, but I had to have a talk with my son eventually. I explained how his brother and sister, my step-kids, have daddy as their daddy and that they have another mom, where they grew inside her belly. I said how kids are half of their mom and half of their dad; that his brother and sister are half their mom and half of daddy. I said he is half of me and half of R***, that daddy will always be his daddy, but that R*** is his father. It has been a couple of years now and he understands how it is with our family and that it isn't the "normal" family, but what is normal these days?

I know this isn't exactly the same situation but kids just need to be given a small explanation at first and given more detail when they are older, eventually they understand.