OT insensitive family

care&ali

sorry, i just need to vent. im 27 and my older brother is 40. he called me about an hour ago and i just cant get our conversation out of my head... he starts the conversation with "congratulations", "how are you feeling", "do you need anything", etc.. (keep in mind he hasnt called me in months and we live 10mins away from each other). then he says, "maybe its none of my business, but are you going to let (DP) adopt your child?"

"yes," i say "it's her child too. she has as much rights to it as i do."

"how so? shes not even biologically related to it. you need to be careful. what you want at.. how old are you again? .. oh yeah, what you want at 27 is not the same as what you want at 40. but it doesnt matter, because biologically you will always have the upperhand, you'll always be in control. i like that. i like when my sisters are in control."

i was so incredibly hurt and shocked! all i could say was that even if our state doesnt recognize her as the mother, it should, and more importantly, I DO!! ive been crying for the last hour because, although i know my family isnt supportive of our relationship, i didnt expect them to be so blunt about it. i dont want to tell DP because i know it will hurt her. but at the same time, we have an incredibly open relationship and we pride ourselves on our honesty. i dont know how to deal with these types of family issues, but i can only imagine that after we give birth, it will only escalate. i need to get on the legal paperwork ASAP. thanks for listening.

annerbones

I am so sorry you are going through this. You know what is right for you and this family you have created. We don't get to choose the family we are born into but as adults we do get to control how much say they have in our lives. It sounds to me like you and DP know what you want, you know you are doing everything legally, morally, emotionally, psychologically in the best interest of your child. As long as you always remember that you will be fine.

People forget to easily that once you are pregnant and on the road to becoming a parent you are not the most important person anymore - the child is. If he says anything again tell him you are an adult and you are doing what is in the best interest of your (you and DP's) child.

Good Luck

A&J

Sorry that your brother was so insensitive. It is hard for some people to "get it". When it comes down to it though it is not your job to make him understand or to even care if he or anyone else for that matter does. Again, I know it hurts, but instead of wasting too much time or energy focusing on others lack of understanding, insensitivity, or flat out ignorance I would put that effort and energy into communicating with your DP about your excitement for your new family and having some serious conversations about how you two plan to represent your family and selves as a two mom family. My DP and I are very comfortable as a two mom family, but we have still come across certain situations and comments that have been challenging. Talk it out with your DP, get things off your chest and let DP air any concerns or frustrations and come up with a dialogue that you are both comfortable using with others. Have a game plan for when your family or whoever may catch you off guard....it can be tough, but good luck and feel better soon!

babybaby

UGH! i'm soooo sorry! that is awful. would the child be any less YOURS if DP was the biological mom? put it to him that way. that's horrible. it just makes you wonder if he would feel "related" to the child if DP carried it instead. again, so sorry.

twicejess

Hmmm. I could totally hear DPs brother saying something like that to her...Good thing she already doesn't speak to him!

It's hard because it's family but once you have your child, it is very easy to put it all into perspective. We had issues with DPs brother before Lauren was born (nothing to do with us having a child, just other issues), once Lauren was born his issues spilled over into issues he did have with Lauren. We haven't seen or spoken to him (or his wife/kids) in over a year and I don't see us talking to him anytime again...we realized that he's not worth our energy. It's sad because our kids are close in age and it would have been nice for them to have a relationship but we can't have him around Lauren. There are thousands of people who will have an issue with our family...I can't protect Lauren from all of them. But if I KNOW someone has an issue with our family...I will not allow her to be around that person.

Get your paperwork in order and remember that your family is you, DP and baby and that is what HAS TO come first!

care&ali

thank you everyone.. im trying not to let it get to me, but it is painful... typical, but painful none the less. I've decided that i will tell DP. I've never kept anything from her and this shouldnt be any different. im thinking i should probably also make a blanket statement to ALL of my family regarding the irrelevance of the baby's biology. what do you think? You ladies are right, i was also just telling my niece (21 years old, who lives with DP and I, who is 16 weeks preggo herself that as sad as it may be, in the end, we will not allow our child to be around people that do not respect our family. ugh.. i know this is all new to them, me being the only gay person most of them even know, but i thought that by now it would be less of an issue. i guess we just continue to live our lives and they will live theirs, if they want to be a part of ours then they will have to adapt.

KTZ

Telling people about being pregnant is really weird. I'm sorry your brother cant be supportive.

I have had some trouble with telling people. I have only told a few and I keep getting "congratulations, now let me tell you my miscarriage story..." I cant believe how insensitive people can be. And it doesn't even seem like they realize how horrible it is to hear. I am really highly aware that many first pregnancies end in miscarriage. I don't need to worry about it any more than I already am...

Sorry, I didn't mean step on your vent with one of my own, but I understand how it sucks when people cant be supportive.

care&ali

yeah, i get that a lot too. the worst i think is the sly comments like when they ask how far along i am and then say.. "oh...... (long pause)... well, you know it's still very early right? and you know that this is the most crucial time right?" no, dumbass, i just had to spend the last year planning for a pregnancy and i've done absolutely no reading on the subject. really people? my mom has told me three times about her last pregnancy that she miscarried and had to have a D/C. well, thanks mom for the insight?? wtf man..

starfish2318

Ugh, so sorry. Sounds like a comment my own brother would make. Oh wait! He's said worse Jerk.

Zen

My take on 2nd parent adoption with a donor-conceived child is that 2 people planned for a child, conceived the baby in love, and have committed to its future and upbringing. If the relationship between the couple fails, both are still equally committed to the child. The 2nd parent adoption ensures rights for both parties to custody, child support, insurance, and even death benefits.

I don't see any difference in this between straight or same-sex couples. If I'd been married when I had Shiloh, and planned her with my husband, I would have considered him her father 100% regardless of the biological contribution. HOWEVER, having had her as a single parent, I cannot ever see myself signing away 50% of my rights to her to a man that I may meet in the future. No matter how much in love I may find myself.

Now ... about your brother. I don't think he understands that your DP is committing herself heart and soul to this child. Just as much as you are. He just sees the 2nd parent adoption as a threat to your sovereign right to your child as a mother. This isn't a lack of respect. It's a lack of understanding. I can't tell you not to be hurt. Or tell you that your brother (or family) will come around. You will definitely need to take legal steps to safeguard your DP's rights to this child in the event that anything happens to you. BUT ... you don't need to do anything with your family to ensure your DP's place with you in your child's life. She already has that. The rest is up to the two of you.

EMG_REL

Zen, that was a great response. I've been considering how to respond to this since yesterday, and I think that it is exactly right that the core of it is a lack of understanding. For example, I have a very supportive family (DP's is way more awkward about it), but my own cousin recently asked my sister if she really feels like an aunt even though she is not biologically related to our baby. She repeated this story to me because she thought that it was ridiculous to even ask because of course she feels like an aunt, but it did punch me in the gut a little. It's the lack of understanding that makes people act and speak insensitively. I hope you feel better about it soon.

smartycat92

I too love Zen's post. I totally think your brother was a giant douche nozzle for saying that, but on some level he was looking out for you. Just keep presenting you and DP as equals in this parenting adventure and hopefully your family will come around to that idea as well.

And don't write your family completely off just yet. My parents were AWFUL when we told them DP was pregnant with Ray. My father said horrible things about the baby being a Frankenstein experiment and how we better not give that "thing" his name. My mother continued to make references to us losing the baby up until weeks before he was born... "You know nothing is for certain, right?" WTF mom?!

BUT despite that really rocky start, they have completely come around. My parents dote on the boys and my dad goes out of his way to kiss Ray when we leave. And my dad is totally not that type. The only weird thing my mom still did for a while was keep things kind of hush hush and wasn't telling her friends and some relatives... "Well, it is nothing to brag about" UGH. So I just then friended those people on FB and sent Christmas card with pictures of our smiling lesbian family >:->

I would tell your brother directly that what he said hurt you and why but I am not sure if I would give a family wide lecture. Just address individual things as they come up. The more they see you as a family, the more they will truly SEE your DP as an equal parent. It sucks that you have to defend your family but I just accepted that it was going to be difficult at first and let time and an adorable baby slowly turn things around.

Good Luck and hope you are feeling better today

care&ali

Thank you for all your responses. @Zen, maybe you're right. In fact, now that you mention it, my mom has made some tearful comments along the way about me not being patient enough with her, because she is still trying to adapt and understand. Its still frustrating when people have to try to "get" me and DPs relationship. *sigh* BUT... Today is a new day, so hoping for a less emotional one! Thanks again, everybody!