What do you call the donor?

annerbones

Specifically what do you call the donor when you are trying to avoid talking about the subject with someone.

Here is the situation:
Maggie started a new daycare, they are some people I went to private religious school with. They have not heard about how Maggie was conceived. I don't really want them to know because I don't think it impacts how they care for her. I simply told them she didn't have a dad. They have asked a few more questions but seem respectful. Today something came up and I was like - "uh, her father". When that isn't right, I don't often have to talk about "him" but when I do how do I do it in the most respectful way to both Maggie and him. I just don't know how to refer to him without calling him the name Dad or Father.

Does that make sense?

EMG_REL

It does make sense, and I wish I could help you. I use different words in different situations. Sometimes I avoid the topic altogether by slightly changing the subject or rephrasing something, but that's only when I'm talking to someone who doesn't know my personal life (like students, parents of students, etc.). Otherwise, I really just use the word "donor". I hope more posters step in and give you some insight.

K&H

Was someone asking if she gets something from your side or his side? That's what I'm imagining anyway.. Something like this:
"Does Maggie get her gorgeous hair color from you or from her father?"
and then you said "uh, her father"...
In that case, or something similar, I would've said something obtuse like "well, genetics are a tricky thing, but no one on my side of the family has that exact hair color".
Does that fit the situation?
We generally always say 'the donor' but we also haven't come across public situations yet.

EMG_REL

Yeah, that's a good example, K&H. In that situation, I would probably say something like, "Well, she definitely doesn't get it from me!" if that applies. I try to make light of it and deflect.

cocobay

Are you planning on telling Maggie she has a donor, later in life when she understands more? I ask because she may get confused hearing different answers. I am not in the same situation you are but I do get asked often (out in public without Ali) about bronx's father. I simply say he was artificially inseminated and has two moms. I am not embarrassed at all, actually the opposite, I want to educate people and want Bronx to know I am very proud of how he was conceived. We live in a very conservative area and I don't want to add to the 'hushness' (if you will). I would think just being honest is the best tactic. What are your reasons for not wanting them to know she was donor conceived?

Shanny

I've never been in a situation where I havent/wouldnt refer to him as "the donor" "her donor" "our donor" or if I'm talking to someone I know well "4949". I can't imagine prefering people think I got knocked up or something along those lines than having sought out this method of conception. I don't mean to be judgmental this line of thinking among donor conceived children just really bothers me.

Zen

It's easy to say "donor" to strangers. With family ... well ... not so much. I don't talk about Shiloh's donor and when asked questions, I answer without using titles. Across the board however there's no shame or awkwardness. I can't afford for there to be. The reality is that everything about Shiloh's coming to be was orchestrated down to the tiniest detail. Shiloh was donor conceived and I thank God every day for this gift that was given to me. When she is old enough to ask questions, that's the message I want to impart to her. As for everyone else -- especially religious friends and family -- I firmly believe that God gave mankind free will. And my will most definitely found a way!

EMG_REL

I just want to add that I would never be awkward about this in front of Holden. I said specifically that I am unclear about his conception with people who are directly related to my professional life, where I am not comfortable/able to be honest. Holden will never be present when this happens because I never take him 45 minutes away to where I teach (and there is nothing in that area that will ever warrant a visit). Everyone's situation is different.

annerbones

K&H that is the situation. I use the word donor all the time with Maggie, family close friends.

I have been unsure how to deal with this. I think I will talk to the daycare provider today and let her know what the situation is.

@Shaley Mae - I did let them know she doesn't have a father and that only two men should ever be allowed to pick her up, my dad and my brother. I to think that this is important.

Thanks guys - I do appreciate you honesty and compassion when helping me with this.

babybaby

i think i understand where you're coming from in terms of childcare. there are some people who would treat a child differently based on things like this, as wrong and dumb as that is. when i worked in a 3-year-olds room at the preschool i worked at, there was a little girl who was soooooo stinkin' cute! her mom was really cool, too. we were almost on friends terms. anyway, this little girl never had a dad who came to pick her up, no dad on her pickup list. her mom never told me she used a donor, but she did tell me "b doesn't have a dad, so i don't get child support. it's really hard to afford her daycare." i didn't question it at all. i kinda figured it out on my own. the little girl looked just like her mom, just like maggie looks just like you, so the subject of what features resemble whom never really came up. i like K&H's approach to it, just kinda sidestepping it, if you're dealing with the kind of people who might be judgmental and who are also caring for maggie. in any other situation, i think i would be totally open about using a donor.

Shaeley Mae

Hmmmm ... I have two thoughts.

First, I INTENTIONALLY tell Lilianna's preschool director, administrators, and teachers that L was conceived with donor sperm, that she doesn't have a father, and that she has no family on this half of the United States ... so in other words, NO MAN SHOULD EVER PICK HER UP FROM SCHOOL. For me it's a point of safety (and pride )
Second, I understand that the matter is sensitive to you only because of the religious undertones that drive her caregivers. My thoughts on that are, if they aren't able to accept the way that she was conceived, is that a mindset that you want to surround your daughter with? What else can't they accept? And if you tip-toe around the subject, will Maggie learn to do that?
Lilianna goes to a wonderful Methodist preschool. She still learns bible songs and scripture weekly, prays before meals, and is led with a very "be kind, gentle, and accepting of others" approach. Everyone involved with her care knows about her donor conception, and they are very intrigued and supportive. So, it is possible to expose a child to a Christian environment, and have it be an open and accepting experience. And I am in no means suggesting a change of religion for your family. I am neither Methodist, nor do I go to any church to worship ...... I simply have Lilianna in a Methodist preschool because they provide the level of care that I prefer, and they are educating her in wonderful ways.

annerbones

I was open and honest with her daycare provider and she was so accepting about the topic. She was really nice - she is a very nice person and she was shocked when I told her past stories of being fired for using a donor.

Thanks for helping me and making me feel stronger!!

ttc.jujubee

We use the word donor.

Right when I got back form my maternity leave, I was waiting for a board meeting at work to start, when some of our trustees asked about our son and where he got his height/size from. (He's a jumbo baby). They asked how tall his dad was. I quickly said "Well, we used a donor, but the donor wasn't very tall... So it must come from my side of the family".

We are 100% comfortable with using the word. And feel that the more comfortable WE are with it and talking about it, the easier time he will have when he gets older. I also think that our comfort puts other people at ease as well.

friendamy

I also just use "donor", but there are some situations where I just don't want to go there or explain (one time things like a cashier commenting on his eyes or whatever) - ill either say "his grandpa and uncle have ________" and leave it at that.

I don't mind people knowing I used a donor - in very open about that. but at 5:30p on a Friday trying to get a table at a restaurant with a less than patient preschooler, I just want a quick answer that won't open a discussion. LOL (on a lazy afternoon I'll tell everyone who asks all about it!)

but yeah, at his preschool I made sure it was known - if only for safety issues.

yfnr

We have always used the term donor. When the twins were younger they would usually just say that they didn't have a dad - very matter of fact - but now that they're a bit older they ask more questions about what a donor is.

Tonight actually K asked me how I got the donor's sperm. I told her it came in the mail and then she asked what I did with it. She initially asked if I drank it - LOL. I have told them the story before and S yelled at her "No! Mom put it in her vagina!" Sometimes I am in awe of the conversations that occur in this house, but it's real life

And in response to the questions when we're out like "She must get her blond hair from her dad" you can always say, and appreciate the response with - "I don't know....I've never met him"

rara-0313

Olive goes to a very religious daycare center and they know shes donor concieved and that I'm a lesbian, I don't hide a thing from anyone and I would hope Olive grows up and don't feel like she need to hide it. Today I'm going to meet her preschool teacher at her new school and I will be sure to let her know too. No one treats her different because of how shes conceived or my lifestyle.

Kari

I use the term donor with anyone we know. Sometimes, when out in public with my kids and they're too young to know if a cashier or waitress asks about something coming from the father's genetics, I'll just reply, "Uh huh" or "I guess so" and leave it at that. I don't want to get into a casual conversation with someone I don't know if it isn't really relevant. But now that Justin's old enough to hear me, I use the term donor whenever anyone around us asks something if I have to reference the dad. But if I can avoid it, I often do. If they ask if Juliet's dad has blue eyes, I reply that my grandfathers both had blue eyes and my mom had green but don't address the dad issue. If they ask if her dad has dark brown hair, I reply that she's the spitting image of my grandmother . . . just kind of side-step the question by pulling in the genetics I know.

Around acquaintances I'll see again, I use the word donor so they're clear. It would be easier if Justin understood what a donor was, so I'm going to have to explain that soon so he can use the word as well.

For people we see a lot (family, friends, co-workers, daycare providers), I always try to point out that my kids were donor-conceived so they don't wonder where my husband is or why both kids kind of look like me but not like each other. And, like others said, it's a safety issue.

indigoscot

we always say donor. if someone says "father" "dad" "daddy" "papa" whatever, we smile and say donor. we correct people every.single.time. our children do not have a dad. we appreciate our donor's generosity that allowed us to create a family but he is not a member of our family and therefore does not need a familial term to describe him. there should be no embarrassment associated with how our children came to be imo.

we are very open with our children and to date neither of the boys has asked about a daddy even though they have plenty of friends who do.

g

ochirino

Good topic! im 11DPO and I commented to my wife, i wonder who the guy is,whose baby am i having (if pregnant). Her answer was "you are having our baby" she is awesome. But i mean goin back to basics here, what are the right terms and nouns? I have a great deal to read and educate myself on, because above all i have respect!

In dealing with close-mindedness i feel it may be best to avoid the subject altogether.

annerbones

I am not embarrassed about how Maggie was conceived. I just wonder how much other people really need to know? I obviously let her daycare provider know how Maggie was conceived - I just wonder how much information is to much information - and who deserves to know?

Goobie

We call him Chris

Honestly though, if it is a situation where I do not have the time or inclination to go into the whole story, I just say "other side"... example, Ivy looks just like I did as a baby, but her nose is definitely from the other side.

Zen

Goobie wrote:

We call him Chris

When I was TTC, in my head I called him Casper (as in the friendly ghost)! So if anyone found any of my notes or appointment reminders, they would never see NW or donor sperm written!