Marriage problems, mostly related to our **** updated last page****

First Hope

Okay Cyndi and I have been together almost six years married four years and 4 months. Prior to that we were best friends for ten years. She was my dream girl and somehow I got that dream.
WE Argued when she was in her first tri with Xan, and then shortly after Xan was born. Cyndi struggled with post partom really bad. She was treated at that point on wellbutrin, a fairly high dose. The next time I remember a blow up it was shortly after getting our BFP with Xi. Over something stupid ordering Joes graduation announcements, gowns etc. she is still on her anti depression meds and BP meds.
I will list our main issues and please send advice on what to do.
One of has no desire for intimacy. Really bothers amd hurts the partner.
Complaints like I do everything and you need to step up in your free time.
We disagree on how bedtime should come together. After never having a co sleeper we suddenly have two for about half the night.
We just don't agree on anything anymore, we do love each other but we are in a downward spiral! Seriously we have not had a date since September Of last year.
I think after our sex life just quit things quit working too.
My eyes are trying to close sfo I will continue later. Please let me know if youcan relate or have advice. Sorry I didn't finish but I keep falling asleep. Thank you

Zen

Did she carry both children? If yes, your problems are classic. And right on time too because most marriages hit this bump at or around year 5. Focus switched from the two of you to the children, and there's no energy left to re-center or re-focus. My advice is probably not going to be popular, but ... I'll try anyway. Give in on the kid issues. If you fight, you lose anyway. So just skip that conflict. And then work on arranging some low keyed no-stress positive time together. Doesn't have to be all out romance. Just something for the two of you that doesn't involve work or planning. Like a glass of wine after the kids are asleep. Get her focused on you. Like ... ask for her advice on something (clothes, time management, whatever). Leave a thoughtful card in an unexpected place for her to find. Baby steps.

Shaeley Mae

Oh sweetie, I wish I had advice.
Is there any chance that you can do counseling together?

A millions hugs, love, and prayers for you!!!

babybaby

if i had any good advice to give on how to make relationships work, i would be in one right now. i just wanted you to know that i'm thinking of you. i think zen has given you some good advice. give into the kid issues, but do try to work in some regular alone time between just the two of you. the BIGGEST of big hugs to you, chantelle.

babymakes3

We have been there and done this a few times,since Connor was born. The best advice that worked for us is to reconnect. Date night is a good start. It is so hard to talk about the kids. we just had a conversation 3 days ago that I need her to do more because I am so stresses.,I even told her our parts don't have to be equal, but if I am having a breakdown and she is already doing 75% she may need to kick it in and do 80 percent. she gets it of course it took me to cry to get more help but I have it. Intimacy is the key to reconnect for us. It is a stress reliever and a chance to only think of each other. Baby steps

Kari

I can't imagine being in a relationship while having young kids. Kudos to those of you who are doing it! I just don't have the energy. That said, let me give you some advice I gleaned from my parents, who were happily married for 40+ years before my mom passed:

1) Date night. EVERY Friday or Saturday night. I believe we had a standing contract with a local babysitter that she would have a babysitting job every week. My parents learned to put their relationship first for the good of everyone. They almost always chose a restaurant that was an hour's drive away. As a kid I couldn't figure that out, but I see now that the time in the car to just talk to one another was just as important (or maybe they said they were going far away, but really snuck in a quickie at a local hotel and ordered room service!). My parents also firmly believed in taking a vacation together without us kids a few weekends a year while we stayed with the grandparents.

2) Time and equality in the relationship. My parents both taught before my mom got pregnant. Then mom took 7 years off from working, while my dad took on longer-hours position as a principal. When Mom left work, and again returned to work she let dad know that he needed to step up more. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you have to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errand-running, yard work, scheduling, appointment-making person because it leaves you running on empty at the end of the day. It means you're home for the kids, and if the house is a mess and dinner ends up being take-out, so be it. The rest of the stuff had to be more equitably divided, NOT based on time at home, but on what people could take on in addition to kid/work responsibilities. The same thing happened when she returned to work - they needed to look at and discuss who did what so that everyone felt it was fair.

3) Primary caregiver gets a day off. Saturdays were always my mom's day off. Dad had to stay home with us while Mom got to do whatever she wanted (usually fun shopping followed by the weekly grocery shopping, but she could get her hair done, visit family, and take some time to herself). She chose Saturday because I was born in the '70's and shops were closed on Sunday. Maybe you could use a night off so she can connect with the kids and you can recharge a little.

3) Mental tasks. I can't function after speaking 3-year old all day. Even if I'm exhausted, I'll play a few rounds of FreeCell on my Kindle before bed because I must have some mental challenges. After that, I'm usually more willing to be up from 2-4 am if someone needs me to be, regardless of sleep.

I would suggest giving the date night a try for a few weeks. If you see an improvement in the relationship, keep it up! If not, maybe seek the advice of a marriage counselor who can help really get to the bottom off all the issues and give everyone a way of voicing their needs and figuring out how to meet those needs. I hope that works for you! I know this happens in a lot of relationships with young kids, and you just have to carefully figure out how to walk that line of being a parent and being in a relationship.

K&H

Oh guys! I'm so sorry. I know it seems bad, but this too shall pass. You guys have had an unbelievably, incredibly, extraordinarily hard few months!! You went from 3 kids to SIX!!! Even if two of them are older and out, they're still in your thoughts and worries at all times. You've had family health problems, legal challenges (with the twins) emergencies, a new baby... What in this situation isn't horribly stressful when taken one at a time?!? And now you're gearing up for back to school, it probably feels like you've barely taken a breath with summer and now are about to have more heaped on top.
Is Xan going to preschool or any sort of program in the Fall? I think, in addition to date nights, it might be really good if Xan goes to a class of some sort while the twins are in school and you can get a babysitter for Xi. Even two hours a week without kids is a whole new world.
The intimacy thing is so hard. Everyone is so exhausted and there's no time, no energy, no interest... Is there anyone who would take the kids for a weekend and let you sneak away for a reboot of your relationship? Four little ones is a lot, maybe you could find a moms group that would have a babysitting trade setup?
Huge hugs to you. You can do this and make it work. It's not fun, but it's worth it.

First Hope

I only have a quick minute. We are not talking about divorce or anything, but sometimes we do better when she is at work 24 hours. I beg for date nights and mini get aways but because she only see's them every other 24 hours she doesn't want to spend a second away. While I am dieing for some alone time, a four hour date, a weekend ay the beach. We can do a beach trip for a "weekend for around 200. I need time alone with her but I am not worth it to her. She said she already misses so much time away from the kids. She does have 7 days off every two weeks. So she sleeps elsewhere but she has a lot of time with them too!

allthingslucky

PP have given some great advice. I feel for you, DP and I have had struggles similar to yours. There was a point that she was working 2 jobs and going to school full-time and the only time she was home was to sleep or change clothes. I was home with the girls all the time by.my.self.

Anyway, if she works 24 and is off 24, this is what I would do.. The first one would be limiting talking to her while she's at work. Give her a chance to miss you. I would only text or call her if it was an emergency because that way when she got home you guys would have things to talk about. Next, if she wants time with them (which I'm not blaming her but,) then give it to her, alone. Go do something for yourself to recharge, join a club or something, something that gives you something to do while she gets the joy of taking care of all the kids. Then, I would more or less demand a date night once a week.

So this is what my week would look like..

work, her day with kids/your free day, work, family day, work, date night, work. Or something similar to that. I feel like there has to be some sort of compromise between the two of you. Even if its only a 2 hour lunch or something, yall need time to reconnect.

I would also by xander in a daycare/preschool thing a few hours on the days you have him and maybe getting involved in some mommy groups so you have other adults to talk to.

To be honest, I used to get jealous that DP went to work and had adult conversations/interactions and by the time she got home I felt there was nothing left for me. But thats because I was spending 24/7 in a house with 2 kids. I always feel better when I feel like I don't need her to meet all of my needs, sometimes my friends meet some, my hobbies, etc.

As far as her not being intimate.. (this is going to sound cheesy) y'alls "love tank" might be empty. There is a book, The 5 lanugages of love, that I recommend reading. It might help get some intimacy back in your relationship.

First Hope

Thanks allthings lucky! A lot of valid points! I, will bring those ideas to the table. It is hard not to feel needed or loved by your spouse. Imean no one else can meet some of our needs. To be held in that way our just undivided attention.
I have started wearing more make up again, dressing in regular clothes instead of sweats, and trying to lose maybe 5 or ten pounds to be a little more appealing. I mean staying home all the time I have not been getting ready because I never leave.
I love your ideas, I really really do! Thank you so much!

OneSmallStep

I don't have a lot of advice that hasn't already been said, but I wanted to just say that book is definitely a good one to pick up! A lot of times we think that we are speaking the same language - but it's actually just getting miscombobulated! Finding each other's love language makes a huge difference, not just in intimate relationships, but in family ones as well!

annerbones

FirstHope - you may not have time read a book, pick it up on cd.

kitty

This is my belief, right around the 10 year mark all relationship go through a bump in the road and its usually the size of a large pothole. Its how you get out of the pothole that makes or brakes the relationship.

First, I beleive the kids are now co-sleeping as an excuse to avoide itimancy.
So you need to find out why? Alot of women after giving birth are not interested and need to be brought back into the game. However, if kids in the bed, the game will never begin.

One person in the relationship is now feeling like they are doing more than the other... so the other needs to show more.. ie do more things that the other can see, when they don't see it they don't believe its being done..

Date Night... make at least a once a month but more would be better date night.. now this could be date day..but do something you did before kids..
find the kid inside of you and capture it.

First Hope

A small update. I told her I would no longer call or text at work so I could ask her in the morning how her day was. I generally don't ask in the morning because I talked to her right before bed and usually she sleeps at night. She text me around 1 and said, oh you are really doing this. I said yes and told her I wanted to ask how her day went.
Fast forward until late afternoon. I got a text that asked if I had plans this weekend. I explained looking for a job, and cleaning. She asked if Icould put it off for a bit because she booked a 2 day one night get away to Catalina island. I am so excited. My eyes are closing, sorry! We are bringing xiona, I am so excited! Iwill update soon.

K&H

Awww!!! That gives me chills!!! Good job you two!!!!

babybaby

so sooooo cool! so happy for you both! catalina is beautiful.

Zen

Look at you go! Congratulations!

EMG_REL

Have fun!