getting custody of my nephew

kstarr

it would appear that i'll be gaining custody of my 14 year old nephew soon. his dad (who has custody of him now) has been neglecting to really care for him for awhile and my sister, well, she's not the greatest of mothers. when she divorced her husband when my nephew was 3, she had custody for a few months. then she started dating her boyfriend who didn't like kids and she chose him over her children. eleven years later and here we are with a very damaged child that needs a lot of love and attention. and i am fully capable of giving it to him. she now has custody of her 11 year old. but in previous years she has picked a guy over her sons and is WAY more concerned about her schooling than her children. don't get me wrong, an education is very important, but she went about it all wrong and now her children are paying for it. she wanted and tried for these children when she was 20. then she realized that raising kids takes sacrifices and she didn't want to do it. i feel bad that i couldn't take him sooner but i didn't have the means. now i do and i really hope i can help him. he's so angry and broken that i know i'll have to tread carefully in the beginning. the good thing is that i know he trusts me, unlike anyone else in the family. this is going to be a huge change for my husband and i. now if only i can get to the beginning of the year so we can try for our own. i think if my nephew is in a positive, stable house he can grow up to be a good, functional adult, unlike his parents.

EMG_REL

He is very lucky to have you. I teach kids his age and know how tough the middle school years can be with/without trouble at home. I think your attitude is awesome, and I wish you and your family all the best!

Flowergirl

So awesome of you to open your hearts and home to your nephew! Hopefully, together you can work towards a brighter future for him... Best of luck to you all!

annerbones

Good luck, will he have access to counseling?

kstarr

thanks everyone! yes, he will have access to counseling. that's part of our medical. once i have legal guardianship i can put him on our policy. he'll have access to all the benefits that my husband's kids do. i know i'll have my hands full, he smokes and curses like a sailor. i'm known to drop a few bad words here and there, but it's almost every other word with him. trying to get him out of those two habits might be kinda tough especially since my husband smokes. it's going to be a rough ride, but i think in the end it will all be worth it.

@babybaby-- wow. i thought my sister was bad. i don't even know what i would do with that woman. with my sister i just try to call her out on her crap and take the heat when she gets mad. my sister drinks a lot and used to be addicted to pain pills. she was all about her kids when she was pregnant and when they were very little. she worked and was a somewhat functioning adult. but as soon as she met her worthless boyfriend who didn't like kids, that went all down hill. she always blames their father for stupid stuff he does, but at least he somewhat supported them while she moved in with her boyfriend. her boyfriend didn't want the kids at the house so every other weekend when she had them, she took them to my parents house. and at 9pm, if the kids were asleep or not, she'd go back over to her boyfriend's. what i don't understand is that we grew up in a very loving family. my parents have been married for 31 years and are really happy. we have a big extended family that we spend a lot of time with (well, i did before i became an army wife). how did she manage to screw up so bad?

annerbones

Don't make him give up everything cold turkey - while smoking is bad - it might be a bonding experience for him and your hubby. I am not condoning smoking - just saying it might help until he finds a way to quit.

mel

Maybe he and your husband could work on quitting together. It's not good to have around a baby, or anyone else.

kstarr

i would love it they both would quit. my husband has been smoking since he was 13 and he's almost 38. i think that will be rougher than my nephew quitting. we'll see what happens when he gets here. i already told my husband that as soon as i get pregnant there will be absolutely no smoking. not outside or in the car. (he doesn't smoke in the house) my husband had a rough childhood so i'm hoping they can bond over that and my nephew can see that life gets a lot better. for right now, it's just a waiting game to see when i can get the paperwork done and get him down here. then we have to move. this house isn't nearly big enough. luckily the housing office will move us to a bigger place. sometimes the army is a pain in the butt, but at times like this, there can be a lot of perks.

Zen

It sounds like you're going to have your hands full but are going into this with your eyes open. Your nephew is definitely going to benefit from being in your care - best wishes to you and your family!

kstarr

thank you Zen!

kstarr

i just got to ohio a few days ago and last night i picked up my nephew and he hung out with me for a few hours. the things i found out completely floored me. i knew this kid was damaged, but i didn't know how bad my sister and her ex had messed him up. his dad just completely ignores him or is yelling at him. there are a ton of scars on his arms from cutting. he told me that my sister doesn't trust him living with her because she's a gun owner. what kind of mother chooses to have a gun in the house over her son? i'm not saying people shouldn't own guns, but to choose this over a child boggles me mind. i am heart broken. i'll hopefully be meeting with a lawyer this week to find out what i need to do paperwork wise. no matter how much i vent about this, the heart wrenching guilt of not taking him sooner kills me. there is the good sign that he still shows love and tells me he loves me. he has such a good heart but is just so damaged. i'm going to pick him up again tonight and spend time with him. i hope this custody goes smoothly and quickly.

K&H

Best of luck to you! It'll be a rough road, but so important.