Welcome to our new forum! All existing NW Cryobank forum users will need to reset their passwords. Click forgot password and enter your email address to receive the link. Email us at info@nwcryobank.com with any questions.
NW Cryobank community boards and sibling connect groups will no longer be available after December 20th, 2023.
Options
Major vent - family related, this is going to be long!
Shanny
Posts: 2,456
I have got to get this off of my chest! My Mom came to visit this weekend. When she or my Dad comes that also means that my sister and niece that live in Dallas also stay with us. My Mom and I are very different. She is extremely emotional, needs to be needed and I am neither of those things. We walk on egg shells around her because she gets her feelings hurt (and cries) so easily. I have a really hard time being sympathetic to this, that's my personality. Last year she brought my then 16 year old niece and 2 year old niece Jessica (not sisters, the then 2 year old is 5 weeks older than Kate). She saw the teenager pretty regularly at that point and even had custody of her when she was younger. She had/has the 2 year old (now 3) every weekend because my brother and his wife LOVE to take advantage of my mother's need to be needed. She pays for everything for her and her now infant sister. I mean everything - a lot of food, day care/school, clothes, toys etc. So for whatever reason she has to bring the 3 year old that she sees every flippin weekend. I know that she wants to see the girls together but it is such a disaster every time I don't know why she thinks that will change. And because of what you'll read below she has no actual time to bond with my and my sisters kids. So the issues were:
My mother and Jessica have the most dysfunctional relationship I have every seen in my life! My mother claims "I'm just the Grandma" but she clearly has a huge influence in this child's life. Grandma cannot be out of sight for 2 minutes before Jessica looks for her, asks repeatedly for her and sometimes freaks out looking for her. I get that she was in a different place and all that but from what I understand it is like this at home as well. So the whole weekend went something like this - Mom "Jessi I'm not going to carry you, you need to walk". Jessi stops, screams and refuses to move. Kate and I keep moving and have a little conversation about acceptable behavior at these times. Wait a minute or 2 and here comes Mom carrying a 3 year old. I don't mean once or twice, pick your battles kind of thing, I mean 5 days straight, all day every day. Happened with every little thing you could possibly imagine. And the kicker is I just wanted her to give in from the get go so that I didn't have to listen to her scream for 5-10 minutes while my Mom pretended she was going to stick to her guns for once. Of course, Kate (and Danica the 5 year old that also lives in Dallas) see all of this. We have actually been spending less and less time with Danica because she also tends to get away with this behavior and I don't put up with it or want Kate seeing it repeatedly work for kids! It is so sad that she is an absolute brat that I wanted to smack with growing intensity every day because as we all know it really isn't her fault! But someday people aren't going to ask whose fault it is - they are just going to avoid her because she is a brat.
My mother gives Jessica coke multiple times a day, including breakfast, and in a sippy cup. She feeds her ice cream at 11:45 and then wonders why she doesn't want to eat lunch. She lets her eat whatever she wants whenever she wants - the unhealthier the better. And lets not forget WHEREVER she wants. Peanut butter cookies and coke in my guest bed? SURE, why not! (needless to say she licked the peanut butter out of the middle and handed the cookie part back to "Gamma". One night we had corn on the cob with our dinner of probably 3-4 other food items. Jessica ate her 1/2 ear of corn and then another. When the only ear of corn left was my Mother's guess who ate it instead of even trying all other food on her plate? Every time I turned around my mother is putting on a dvd for Jessica of letting her play on her kindle. Did you notice I don't have a TV and therefore do not want my child watching hours and hours a day, plus additional screen time with the kindle?
Jessica has no respect for anyone, any inkling of how to do ANYTHING for herself, will not put the wrapper to something she ate in the trash when asked, does not know anything about picking up after herself or anything else I could possibly think to list that a child her age should do without batting an eye.
Now the really sad part - this child clearly has/is going to have some developmental delays. Her speech is - if I am being generous - where Kate's was last year. I actually sat down and watched videos of Kate from last summer to confirm if what I was thinking was the case. Same goes for her cognition, reasoning, and (again) everything else you can think of - abc's, colors, numbers, and a general desire and comfort level to be taught these things or even just "act like a kid" with other kids. She may have some physical issues related to being pigeon toed as well. Danica and Kate get spoken to many times because they don't want to play with her. It's just like at work with A and Kate and L - but that is to be expected because L is only 18 months and they are 3 and 4. Repeat Jessica is 5 weeks older than Kate. My mother seems oblivious to this and I know that my brother and sil (don't even get me started on her) are as well. I have thought about sending my brother a message with a heart felt suggestion that they get her evaluated but that would be a complete nightmare I can assure you.
My sister and I ended up getting in to a small argument with our Mom - as is always the case. I finally yelled at everyone and said that I know you think I am all too strict on Kate (if that is the worse thing my family can say about my parenting, I will take it!) but that when I tell my kid no I bleeping mean no and for that reason she is who she is and we have not had 1 issue with her behavior this weekend. (of course Kate melted down that night at dinner after going 2 days without nap and of course I picked her up and we left the restaurant immediately). The behavior/discipline was a bigger issue than it might have been because Danica started acting this way a couple of years ago and my sister let it slide so now at 5 1/2 she is dealing with major problems and was called in to the office on the 4th day of kindergarten. So there was lots of advice flying about what to do and my sister was of course appalled that my no spine, coke dealing (lol) Mom had the nerve to give any!
This is a perfect example and sums up the differences in the way these kids are being raised and how the weekend went so terribly wrong. I was doing laundry - it is in my garage. My sister opened the door and I asked her to send Kate to the door. Kate stopped playing and came to the door I said "I need 3 Kate hangers, no skirts, just dresses." She went in to our closet and brought them out to me. We've been doing this for so long and with every part of our lives that it isn't even questioned. I'm really, truly proud of that. Sooooo, on the way to the airport this morning my Mom mentions this moment and says that my sister should be doing that with my niece and she wouldn't be having so many problems. UM, agreed but ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I said so and that yes I agree and that "everyone" should be doing that with Jessica as well. To which my Mom said "yeah but you and Kate just have each other and Lesley and Danica just have each other". She said that. OK, so for those of you still reading (bless you hearts I am feeling better already for releasing all of this) ONLY if you are a single mother (presumably with just one child) do you need to teach them manners, respect, how to take care of themselves and their home and act as part of a family with responsibilities. This is a woman who 24 hours earlier would have let a nearly 4 year old eat a strawberry on my white sofa just so she didn't have to tell her no.
I guess I'm just so perplexed by the whole thing. I cannot imagine anyone raising a child who acts like this and thinking everything was hunky-dory. I am exhausted from witnessing it for 5 days. I'm not really looking for advice i just really needed to get this out. Now hopefully I can sleep tonight
.
My mother and Jessica have the most dysfunctional relationship I have every seen in my life! My mother claims "I'm just the Grandma" but she clearly has a huge influence in this child's life. Grandma cannot be out of sight for 2 minutes before Jessica looks for her, asks repeatedly for her and sometimes freaks out looking for her. I get that she was in a different place and all that but from what I understand it is like this at home as well. So the whole weekend went something like this - Mom "Jessi I'm not going to carry you, you need to walk". Jessi stops, screams and refuses to move. Kate and I keep moving and have a little conversation about acceptable behavior at these times. Wait a minute or 2 and here comes Mom carrying a 3 year old. I don't mean once or twice, pick your battles kind of thing, I mean 5 days straight, all day every day. Happened with every little thing you could possibly imagine. And the kicker is I just wanted her to give in from the get go so that I didn't have to listen to her scream for 5-10 minutes while my Mom pretended she was going to stick to her guns for once. Of course, Kate (and Danica the 5 year old that also lives in Dallas) see all of this. We have actually been spending less and less time with Danica because she also tends to get away with this behavior and I don't put up with it or want Kate seeing it repeatedly work for kids! It is so sad that she is an absolute brat that I wanted to smack with growing intensity every day because as we all know it really isn't her fault! But someday people aren't going to ask whose fault it is - they are just going to avoid her because she is a brat.
My mother gives Jessica coke multiple times a day, including breakfast, and in a sippy cup. She feeds her ice cream at 11:45 and then wonders why she doesn't want to eat lunch. She lets her eat whatever she wants whenever she wants - the unhealthier the better. And lets not forget WHEREVER she wants. Peanut butter cookies and coke in my guest bed? SURE, why not! (needless to say she licked the peanut butter out of the middle and handed the cookie part back to "Gamma". One night we had corn on the cob with our dinner of probably 3-4 other food items. Jessica ate her 1/2 ear of corn and then another. When the only ear of corn left was my Mother's guess who ate it instead of even trying all other food on her plate? Every time I turned around my mother is putting on a dvd for Jessica of letting her play on her kindle. Did you notice I don't have a TV and therefore do not want my child watching hours and hours a day, plus additional screen time with the kindle?
Jessica has no respect for anyone, any inkling of how to do ANYTHING for herself, will not put the wrapper to something she ate in the trash when asked, does not know anything about picking up after herself or anything else I could possibly think to list that a child her age should do without batting an eye.
Now the really sad part - this child clearly has/is going to have some developmental delays. Her speech is - if I am being generous - where Kate's was last year. I actually sat down and watched videos of Kate from last summer to confirm if what I was thinking was the case. Same goes for her cognition, reasoning, and (again) everything else you can think of - abc's, colors, numbers, and a general desire and comfort level to be taught these things or even just "act like a kid" with other kids. She may have some physical issues related to being pigeon toed as well. Danica and Kate get spoken to many times because they don't want to play with her. It's just like at work with A and Kate and L - but that is to be expected because L is only 18 months and they are 3 and 4. Repeat Jessica is 5 weeks older than Kate. My mother seems oblivious to this and I know that my brother and sil (don't even get me started on her) are as well. I have thought about sending my brother a message with a heart felt suggestion that they get her evaluated but that would be a complete nightmare I can assure you.
My sister and I ended up getting in to a small argument with our Mom - as is always the case. I finally yelled at everyone and said that I know you think I am all too strict on Kate (if that is the worse thing my family can say about my parenting, I will take it!) but that when I tell my kid no I bleeping mean no and for that reason she is who she is and we have not had 1 issue with her behavior this weekend. (of course Kate melted down that night at dinner after going 2 days without nap and of course I picked her up and we left the restaurant immediately). The behavior/discipline was a bigger issue than it might have been because Danica started acting this way a couple of years ago and my sister let it slide so now at 5 1/2 she is dealing with major problems and was called in to the office on the 4th day of kindergarten. So there was lots of advice flying about what to do and my sister was of course appalled that my no spine, coke dealing (lol) Mom had the nerve to give any!
This is a perfect example and sums up the differences in the way these kids are being raised and how the weekend went so terribly wrong. I was doing laundry - it is in my garage. My sister opened the door and I asked her to send Kate to the door. Kate stopped playing and came to the door I said "I need 3 Kate hangers, no skirts, just dresses." She went in to our closet and brought them out to me. We've been doing this for so long and with every part of our lives that it isn't even questioned. I'm really, truly proud of that. Sooooo, on the way to the airport this morning my Mom mentions this moment and says that my sister should be doing that with my niece and she wouldn't be having so many problems. UM, agreed but ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I said so and that yes I agree and that "everyone" should be doing that with Jessica as well. To which my Mom said "yeah but you and Kate just have each other and Lesley and Danica just have each other". She said that. OK, so for those of you still reading (bless you hearts I am feeling better already for releasing all of this) ONLY if you are a single mother (presumably with just one child) do you need to teach them manners, respect, how to take care of themselves and their home and act as part of a family with responsibilities. This is a woman who 24 hours earlier would have let a nearly 4 year old eat a strawberry on my white sofa just so she didn't have to tell her no.
I guess I'm just so perplexed by the whole thing. I cannot imagine anyone raising a child who acts like this and thinking everything was hunky-dory. I am exhausted from witnessing it for 5 days. I'm not really looking for advice i just really needed to get this out. Now hopefully I can sleep tonight
. 
0
Comments
I think people get so convinced that behavior is impossible to change that they never start. It's like weight loss or quitting smoking or drinking. It seems so huge that you can't even begin.. And you have to believe there's a problem to begin with.
Eek! Take a glass of wine out by the pool and let out a primal scream or two
if you have to.
People like that just cannot get it through their heads that children are soooo much happier when they have a healthy amount of discipline, structure and firmness in their lives. To think that I often wonder how/why more and more people these days are so selfish, inconsiderate, lazy and just plain obnoxious... it's because they were raised like this!
Hope venting helped you feel better!!
TTC No. 2 since Aug. 2014; IVF #1 - Cxld; IVF #2 - BFN
I can't stand having people in my space for more than a couple of hours, how you did that for so long deserves an award or something. I have a friend who I love to death but her parenting style is so far from what my goals are that it's hard sometimes and I question if I'm going to have to limit time spent together as time goes on. Like you said I don't want M growing up seeing the way they are as ok.
I'm glad that Kate got to see her grandma, and that the whole weekend spurred many reflect conversations with Kate about what she saw. I sometimes think those are great lessons, and I capitalize on them myself when we see other kids losing their mind in public.
Sorry for the dysfunctional family, but I'm glad you have a place to vent where the people understand.
My sister and I differ on child-rearing as well, but without the added element of the indulgent grandma. I expect Justin to help around the house and instill pride in him for being my big helper. My sis waits on her teenage kids hand and foot. They can't even carry a dish to the sink. And they've given Justin soda, iced tea, hot dogs, chips, etc. Plus the Tv is on 24/7. I know where she adopted some of these bad habits, but the not helping around the house bit was not how we were raised. I did my own laundry, all the dishes and vacuuming, mowed the lawn, and helped with the cooking from age 10. Having a 15-year old holler from the couch, "Mom, can you make me a snack?" is just not cool.
Coke, ice cream, eating in your guest bed and on the sofa? Just wow so inconsiderate to you and showing bad examples to K. That would irritate me too.
Ours don't get soda at all - in fact they've never even been to a fast food place - and ice cream is a treat that has to be earned. Oh and candy too - although I can't remember the last time either asked for any candy yeah!
I don't think you are alone with your parenting styles but one very small caveat - ds1 has delayed emotional maturity. We are not sure yet if that is caused by giftedness or something else (certainly based off his mid-term report card he is close to having all the skills necessary to move to 1st grade) so just bear in mind that some children have issues outwith their control.
g