Do the SMBC ever feel left out?

Kari

Justin has been in the same daycare class with almost the same classmates for three years now. I've met all the other parents and grandparents and chat with them. Most know I'm a SMBC. Last week I took the kids to a parade in the town where Justin's daycare is. After the parade we ran into two families whose kids are in Justin and Juliet's classes. They were meeting up with a third family from his class and looking around for them. I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that Justin has never been invited to their homes or to a birthday party. Justin was clearly thrilled to see his friends, but they didn't extend the invitation for us to join their group. But I dismissed it. I was just on FB and noticed one of the moms has posted some new pics and then include two of Justin's friends hanging out in various places together. I'm kind of feeling like we're getting left out and am curious if it's because our family is non-traditional. Anyone else feel like this sometimes?

friendamy

I haven't experienced anything like that that I would associate with being a SMBC. there are two boys from my sons preschool that we hang out with regularly (both together, all 3 boys... and one on one). I'm friendly with a lot of parents there, and my DA is friends with their kids.... we just, for whatever reason, don't hang out. it's nothing personal.

there's a little boy that my DS adores and wants to hang out with, but that little boy has his own group of BFFs. they play awesome at school, but leave it at that.

do you have a SMBC group in your area!

Shanny

This is kind of complicated for me. Here's why:

1). We get invited to all the parties (we live in an area where you are kind of expected to invite the whole class, if anyone). But I decline most of them. It just isn't how I chose to spend at least one weekend a month and the cost gets to be a bit much as well. I'm not sure what I will do for Kate's birthday yet but I am leaning towards nothing (she said she just wants to go to the Zoo with Mommy!) Or inviting a small group of friends (2 school, 4 not) to join us at chuck e cheese. Not a formal party, more of a play date and what we did last year. Anyway, my point is that I'm partially to blame for not being part of their inner circle I guess.

2). I'm not exactly a working Mom but I'm not exactly a SAHM. In fact I probably have the least flexibility of anyone. Our kids get out of school at 11:45 and some of the Mom's and Nannies meet at parks but I have to take A to school at 12:15 on the other side of town. Even a working Mom can make it occasionally on her lunch break or something.

3). I think my position as a Mom and Nanny puts some people off. I'm not 65, 25 or hispanic (most Nannies here fit in to at least one of those categories). I'm a 40 year old working mother of a 3 year old so really I'm just like them. Accept they HAVE a Nanny so I think it makes some people uncomfortable.

But yeah, I think the fact that you meet a new Mom at Gymboree, day care, school, wherever and work full time limits the time that you could be socializing to the evenings and weekends and they have husbands so they want friends with husbands!

The flip side to all of this is that I have realized the importance of these relationships for both Kate and I. She will be in class with these same children for 3-4 years. So I attended a parents brunch, a parents education at school and we'll be going to help plant her classroom garden next weekend. All of these things took juggling my schedule and sacrifcies on my part but I think it is worth it. Montessori schools tend to offer lots of opportunities for famiies to get to know each other but it may be very different with day care. You just might have to put in more effort. I'd make it something easy for everyone - like a picnic at a local park. See if you have some common ground and go from there. I hope you find it really wasn't a slight because you are a SMBC and that you'll be more included in the future .

annerbones

I have felt that with maggies friends, I even invited them to her party hoping that would form a connection. But it didn't. I feel isolated from my friends who have partners, like they don't understand us so they don't include us. It does hurt.

njmomma

I can't stand judgemental people who have problems with non-traditional families. Sorry if thats the case. I didn't experience it yet, because my daughter is still very young, but I thought that it might happen when she gets older.
Do you have SMBC group in your area? I was looking for SMBC group in my area , but I didn't find anything yet.
Well, Kari, not sure where you live, but if you live anywhere in Northern Jersey, you are always welcome to hang out with me and my daughter.

Katydid

I don't feel left out, but I feel uncomfortable when I get together with couples because I can't really relate to them. I like being a single mom, but most couples make negative statements as in they feel sorry for me when I don't feel that there is anything lacking in my life (not quite sure how to put that into words). I tend to stick to a small group of single moms or family, unless it's something the kids really want to do. Have you tried inviting them out somewhere or to a party for Justin? If so, do they respond? If not, then that is what I would do. You seem crafty...you could plan a Halloween play date.

indigoscot

Not a sMBC either but like jdiana part of a lesbian family. We just moved to what amounts to BFE in lesbian terms and so far we've had a couple of play dates with a family we knew before we moved (not someone at ds1's school because mom teaches in a different county) and a couple of neighbourhood adhoc events. We have not met or done anything with any of ds1's kindergarten class - ds1 is not exactly like the other kids and has a hard time making friends.

Shaeley Mae

At L's age, she is definitely loved by her teachers and classmates, but we've never been invited to anything social outside of her preschool. On the same token, we've never invited anyone from her school to do anything social with us
I think that with my kids being so small, I'm just VERY busy on weekends (and after work every night), and when I DO have free time I'm usually perfectly content that it just be the three of us.
So, no, I guess I don't feel left out.
As far as you though, and seeing pics of other kids together, keep in mind that there may be other circumstances. Maybe some of the parents know each other through work or church. Or maybe there are/were neighbors, or maybe they have oder siblings who play together, etc. I don't think I would take it personally. Or at least not at Justin's current age.

cAtWmN84

yes,we get that a lot or at least i feel that way i also think with in the group the mom's have their own "friends" and leave some of us out.i'm the only smbc in our group.

First Hope

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you guys! I have been a single mom, but like jdiana said being a lesbian family is an issue in itself. Hope you find a network of friends that you all click with.

Zen

Hmmm. Shiloh has gotten invites to a couple of preschoolers' parties but I declined both (with small gifts). They weren't really personal invites. More like invite-one-invite-all kinda things. I've spoken to a few moms (and dads) in the course of picking up and dropping off but not a lot. Shiloh has her little school friends ... at school. And she plays with my friends' children when we get together outside of school. But I have to say that I don't socialize with the school parents outside of pleasantries.

I did join a Facebook group for moms setting up playdates and activities for kids. But immediately after doing so my life became a lot busier so I never went to any of the events. They have them almost every weekend so if you want more kiddie play time and play dates, that's the route I'd recommend in finding some