I don't have a daddy

annerbones

Yep, that's what Maggie said yesterday. We were in the car with my mom driving somewhere and she was talking about a little boy in her class and how his daddy picked him up from school. The said "Alex has a daddy, I don't have a daddy." It was so matter of fact.

Almost 2 weeks ago when we were at the hospital she asked about where her daddy was - after she had had surgery. For the first time ever I had to tell her in front of someone other than my parents that she didn't have a daddy but that she did have a mommy and a nana...etc. who all loved her very much. Then she told my friend - some people don't have daddies.

Is this a typical age for it to start to click - or is this just practice?

Shanny

I think it is "clicking" in that she has some idea what a Daddy is now and she can verbally say she doesn't have one. It is really still evolving for us at almost 4 and I imagine will be for at least several more years. It was probably around Maggie's age that the worry of "what I'd done" started to kick in. I - of course - don't regret it, but man when they can say it back to you and are evolving in to these people with their own feelings it does become a whole new ball game.

How did the surgery go? Hope she is doing well.

annerbones

Thanks Shanny.

Surgery went awesome. She had a horrible recovery room experience, but we will get past that. She was up and running and talking within 2 hours of surgery. We made her open her mouth to make sure they had removed her tonsils because the nurses, my mom, my friend, no one could believe she had just had them out. We are super glad we had them taken out too, her adenoids had puss on them - she has been on antibiotics most of her life so we were all surprised.

Funny thing (expected it) her voice changed, now it is all high and squeaky - before it was much lower, it is taking come getting use to.

sara291

Z never seemed to notice or say anything about not having a Dad all though he did come around at age three. It always seems weird to md to hear what Maggie or the other children born the same week or so as Riley is saying. I do not have any idea what Riley understands for the most part. He is still so behind. A very few simple sentences like today - me knee no ouch when he saw mine & that's amazing for him! He does like to call the child I nanny for father Daddy :-/ ! Though part of it is the child saying it at the same time as well. Before I was not as worried however now that Z's Dad is involved & seeing how excited R gets for the Dad to come home makes me curious as to what he thinks. I've done the we have a Mama & list families members. He'll just repeat then as he does. Sometimes he'll say oh no Daddy in those conversations though again its mostly direct repeats. I have mixed feelings. I have a feeling that the subject may be sensitive to R as he gets older especially with Z's Dad involved. We'll see. I always knew this point would come but it always catches me off guard. I wish I knew what he understands or thinks.

Glad to hear Maggie is doing better. I have been thinking of posting to ask but life has been crazy here for a week with Z sick. It sounds like she'll do so much better now.

2moms

I think it's starting to "click". C recently started pointing at all of the pictures on the wall naming people...."mommy, mama, and ME....that's me....mommy that's me.....(and then he says his name)". He's now able to differentiate between his grandpa's and baby L is no longer "baby" he uses her actual name. They are becoming more aware of their surroundings and can verbalize it better. C loves men even though he's rarely around them but he's only called someone "daddy" twice...completely random...both delivery drivers and hasn't talked about it since. I'm sure she can probably hear better now too since she had her surgery so her speech and understanding is going to explode! Glad to hear her surgery went well too!

friendamy

my son was around the same age when he started saying those exact things! he's 5 now, and in his kindergarten class he had to draw his family and he drew like, 10 people. when I asked who he drew he said, "my family. mommy, nana, granny, papa..." then proceeded to name my brother and SIL, my aunt, our dogs... everyone he knows in the family LOL

he knows he doesn't have a dad, but he also knows he has a FAMILY. and that's important.

I bought "the family book" by Todd Parr and we read it all the time

cocolibby

Our kids could certainly articulate that at 2 1/2, but it was an evolving process, like Shanny said, for quite a few years after that. Evan is 10 and it's completely all the time a matter-of-fact, non-issue for him. Asa is 7 and still shows signs of processing and grieving/coping. They're different people, plus Asa was bullied in Kindergarten about not having a dad - not about having two moms, just the absence of a dad.

indigoscot

I think we must be in the minority (and I've posted about this before) but neither of our boys have even mentioned daddy or the lack thereof. They know about daddies - dp and I have daddies, their friends have daddies, the characters on their cartoons have daddies - but they don't seem to be phased by it.

g

fisch

I asked Jack yesterday if anyone asks him about having a dad. He said yes, they ask if his daddy is dead. I asked him what he says when they ask that, and he said, he says "no he's not dead, I just don't have one". We went on to talk about having two moms, how he has always had two moms, and then he didn't have a dad, who then went away. He just wasn't born with one. "I know, I know" he says. But I think it irritates him that he can't explain more to his friends, for lack of understanding himself.

What is tricky, in terms of comprehension at this age, is that "where babies come from" and "what parents you have" are not really correlated. The fact that families are made of different kinds of people, doesn't make it clear to kids that some kids never had a 'dad'.

I was surprised to hear my son talk about conversations he has had with his peers that we have never really had at home. Like, if I hadn't asked, he wouldn't have mentioned it. I think it's important that we all keep it in mind and be cognizant of what our children internalize when we are not around. My conversation with my son was a reminder that, even though he doesn't really seem bothered, he still needs to have a basic understanding of his family make up, since it is not like the other families of his friends at school. I want to be able to arm him with as much information as he can handle so that he doesn't feel like confused, or inadequate, or like he should have something because the other kids have it.