Is there a good way to handle this?

K&H

Last year in the post-Christmas sales my mom (unknown to me) bought E a train table. I have since seen it in her garage in a box. (It's modern, light wood, and totally not our style, which is not really the point.) Since we did not know this, we bought a train table for E off CL this summer. (It's dark, unique, homemade, and most certainly used which is fine by us.)
My mom knows that we have a train table for E now, but I am 98% sure that she is still planning to give E the one she bought for Christmas. She has made tiny (frustrating) comments about "that old table she has now", the condition/quality of the table she has, and how she has "something big" for E for Christmas that will look so much better in her playroom.

What can be done about this situation? I don't think there's a way to get her to NOT give E the train table... but then what the heck are we supposed to do with it after she gives it to E? I have no interest in replacing the one we have (and like) in favor of the one she has picked out, and there is no where else in our house that would have space for a 2nd table (and really, what kid needs two?). I really don't want to hurt her feelings, or seem less than grateful for all of the things she BUYS for E (though I wish she would buy less and spend more time/effort on activities and interactions), but I can't seem to see an easy solution to the problem!

Anybody have any good ideas?

SPJ&E

Could it stay at Grandma's house for her to play with when she visits? I would just very kindly tell her how much the thought and gift are appreciated, but that you love the table you have now and do not want to replace it or add a second table to the house...followed by letting her know you're sure E would love that she had a train table to play with at Grandma's house too.

K&H

I don't really know. Her house is completely stuffed full with barely enough room for people, much less a train table. As I sit thinking about it right now, I'm not even sure of a spot that could be cleared for it. Nevermind the fact that we are really only there maybe 4 times a year, max.
And how would I go about having that conversation?

SPJ&E

lol, yeah I would have a hard time with that conversation too. I can say that I would do it...but I don't know that I actually would. The non-confrontational part of me (which is you know...99%) would just take it home and not say a word. But you really can't get by with that since I'm guessing she comes to visit and/or she'll want to see pictures online. Do you have a covered porch/deck perhaps? An outside train table?

K&H

Nope, no covered deck. Now I'm wondering about putting it out in the garden and just letting the elements go at it! :P

But maybe that's not such a horrible idea. We're tentatively thinking about putting a playhouse out in the garden next Spring/Summer, maybe it could be part of that. Or could at least just sit in the basement waiting to be included in outdoor planning. It's still not the solution my mother would want, but it at least keeps it out of my visible living space.

palegreen

Could you "exchange" it for something that would be more suitable for your future outdoor space? (And by exchange, I mean sell.) Sell it and put the money towards the play house? Then you could say that she contributed to the play house.

Could you paint the light wood so that it more closely matched your style as a compromise?

Is there another child in the family that could benefit from the table? You could always suggest that so and so needs a train table and since you already have one, why not let them use it?

Does she know that you know it's in her garage? If not, I would bring it up and see what her intentions are. (probably not a realistic option, huh?)

MelandTara01

K&H,
I like your solution to hang on to it and use it in your outdoor plans. I think your mom would be happy to know that it was accepted and at least be used eventually. It sounds like your mom is super excited about giving this gift to E. Did you know she had the gift before you got the train table you bought off of Craigslist?

Also you could use it as a sand table or something like that for the outdoor plan.
Mel

K&H

Oh, man, if only you knew how my family reacts to "exchanges" of gifts! It's like you sold a kidney from under their skin! My sister-in-law established early that she is an exchanger. She will openly ask for receipts and discuss taking something back to return/exchange because it is the wrong size, color, material, etc. In the end she gets what she wants, which is great.. but she has to deal with a lot of backlash from my mom because of it. I think that it stems from the fact that my mother likes to bargain shop and will by something because it is a bargain and then find someone who she will give it to. She doesn't want anyone to know that she bought something on clearance or at a discount/surplus store (though we all know that's how she shops).
My family is all big on the wish list idea.. Everyone makes an electronic wish list and then emails them out... and then all are delighted when something comes off their list... it really makes the whole process not so fun. I do it though, just gave them E's list today.. and got immediately four emails back saying they were done shopping for her, or this place no longer sells that, or blah blah blah...

Okay, sorry, got off on a tangent there. First world problems, eh? This is why I would rather just skip the whole gift thing and focus on experiences and relationship building events and traditions instead.

K&H

MelandTara, no, unfortunately I did not know she had bought it until she pouted and was sad that we had bought one. I knew something was up and a few weeks later my sister confirmed that she had the one waiting in her garage.
I like the sand table idea!

palegreen

My grandmother shops like that...you should see her attic! Last year for Christmas, I got a variety of clothing that didn't fit. One item was a little boys' shirt. Not at all something I could wear, and G wouldn't fit into it until he was 10 years old. I know her intentions are good, but they aren't always practical.


Perhaps you could find a way to repurpose it:
http://aspottedpony.com/diy/turn-a-train-table-into-an-adorable-little-girls-play-table/144/
http://www.athoughtfulplaceblog.com/2011/02/many-lives-of-train-table.html
http://www.minivanorclowncar.com/2011/12/11/turn-your-train-table-into-a-light-table/
http://chatterandclatter.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-homeschool-organizational-secret.html

Shanny

I have to say that my Mom would be none too happy to find out that the nice (in her eyes at least) train table she bought her grandchild was being left to the elements to trash it outside. I'd actually (this is just me and my mom) rather hurt her feelings by telling her we don't need another train table and if she wants to give it anyway I will sell it on CL and get Kate something else, than hurt her feelings by letting the gift essentially get ruined. Again, just me but that is what I would tell my Mom and it sounds like we have pretty similar issues!

K&H

I agree with you totally, Shanny! But aren't there some days you just want to chuck it all and leave the crap out in the rain?

old mama

Last Christmas my daughter received 4 yes 4 identical electronic/computer programable stuffed dogs...pricey as I bought her one myself...granted NOT as BIG as a train table...since the other three givers are not really around I donated the other three to preschools in our area...after I wrote thank yous and send a picture of her with the dog...they didn't know it wasn't the actual one they sent! We just t hought it was funny that out of all the toys in all the stores we all thought that particular toy would be the ONE for her!

tc0104

Set it up when grandma comes, send some pics of E playing with it....and then store it until grandma visits? My family would be all for returning or selling on CL to get her something else but you dont seem to want to hurt feelings or face the returning backlash. I don't blame you.

smartycat92

Set it up and then a month later tell her that while you and DP were drunkenly in the throws of passion that you fell and broke it.

palegreen

smartycat92 wrote:

Set it up and then a month later tell her that while you and DP were drunkenly in the throws of passion that you fell and broke it.

hehe!

K&H

smartycat92 wrote:

Set it up and then a month later tell her that while you and DP were drunkenly in the throws of passion that you fell and broke it.

Nice! Good plan!

EMG_REL

Hahaha, I'll chime in with another vote for smartycat's plan!

But, seriously, I'm terrible in those situations. I have zero advice, but I do feel for you!

Kari

Do you have a basement? I put 75% of my kids' toys in storage in the basement and only have 25% in circulation upstairs. You could take some pictures of her playing with it (maybe call it the lego / sensory / play doh table and then put it out of circulation until she visits.

K&H

The problem is that we don't have space for two. The table we have is slightly more narrow, which is why we like it. I don't really see a piece of furniture as a toy. It takes up a huge part of the space.

Flowergirl

I'm certainly not telling you what to do or trying to diminish how you feel about this whole issue, but I wanted to mention a couple things... I tend to lean a little toward jdiana's way of thinking - and here's why.

My sister in law is a lot like you, in that she will decide what she wants her children to have, often mentioning things that she would like for them, or sometimes it's things they have asked for even, but "like you" in the respect that she has her idea of what it should look/be like and gets very set in her idea of the "correct item". My Mom loves to buy for her grandchildren, and when she knows of something they want, or that is on their wish list (even if their mom put it on there) my Mom will watch for one for them. She often finds good deals on very nice items for the grandchildren and will buy them up ahead also for bdays, Xmas, etc. The problem is that my sister-in-law will have had a specific thing in mind for the item and my Mom often doesn't know that and just gets what she can find that she thinks the kids will like. For example, my SIL will request a book series for one of them, then be upset that my Mom buys a nice new set when she preferred the old classic set that would have had to come off eBay or from a flea market. One of my nieces wanted a china doll one year and my mom bought her one like my niece had described she wanted and her mom was unhappy with it because she thought it should be an old collector one, not a newer one. Here's the thing - the children (who these things are actually FOR) prefer the things my Mom buys them! They are children - they could care less about classic, unique, better suited to mom's taste, mom's preferences, etc., at all. My SIL is very open and vocal about her ungratefulness for all such items and has hurt my Moms feelings on so many occasions. The children, meanwhile, are thrilled with the toys they got from Grandma and feel bad that their mom makes grandma feel badly (now that they are older).

I also have a good friend who is similar (in a different way)- she likes to make (mainly sew/craft) things and likes to be "unique" and "stand out" because of her sewing talent. For example, she made her daughter's coats when she was smaller, made her own diaper bag, makes her daughter dresses that are completely made up patterns, etc. When her daughter started school, she made her a book bag and lunch bag instead of buying her one like all the other children. Her daughter absolutely hates it now because she's a child and wants more than anything to have things like the other kids - she could care less about unique, or being noticed because its unique and crafty, etc. Her mom also usually makes her bday and Xmas gifts. Her daughter is thrilled to pieces when someone gets her a gift she actually wants because its fun and modern, and not unique and homemade.

So... Just wanted to put that out there. I get your frustration to a point, but I also see your Mom's side of it, and to jdiana's thought... is it really so big a deal that it isn't "your" personal preference or style? Maybe E will love it and prefer it to the one she already has. And maybe she won't care for it at all, at which time you could repurpose it or regift it, or sell it, with no worries on how to explain it or if you'll hurt anyone's feelings. You could simply say then in all honesty, she just never played with it, so we [insert action here].

Just my thoughts... Good luck with your decision!

KYST

I think that you all are only reading part of K & H's post. It's not that they don't like the table even though they don't. It is the fact that she already has one, it's already in the house, it fits the space, there isn't room for another table, and they know grandma has bought E one for Christmas. I think that they want to know how to handle the situation tactfully without hurting grandmas feelings, if that is at all possible.

K&H

Thanks, kyst. That's exactly it. It's much less about the style and much more about the space. A table is a huge piece of furniture, and unless you live in a huge house with wide open rooms, there just isn't room for two trains tables. And also, I don't want to have a child who has so much excess that she has two train tables, even if you call one something else. We rotate the use of one table, it's trains this week, then a castle, then a race track. I don't want all her toys out and set up all the time, it's too much clutter. We lean toward Simplicity Parenting styles and its working really well for us.