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Need emotional support re. past loss (trigger, mc details, LONG)

scifimomscifimom Posts: 1,173
edited November -1 in Pregnancy and Babies
Hi All, I haven't posted lately, but I've been trying to stay on top of the births and BFP's. Congrats ladies!!!

I'm asking for emotional support around my past mc. I went into labor, labored for several hours. I got to experience the progression of the labor and just when I had really had enough of the pain, I delivered a little baby in the 15th week of pregnancy. All by myself. I went to the hospital to get help with delivering the placenta. That was when the labor pains got really bad! My body was very ready to get that placenta out! (If our culture taught us anything about birth, I could have easily pulled it out myself, because that is all the OB did!)

So, I posted something on facebook about feeling this baby move. And one woman who knows very well that I delivered a baby at home, made a comment about how when the baby is born I will feel a deep kinship to all women and the history of the planet and will love this baby like nothing I could ever imagine blah blah blah.

I get that I don't know what it is like to nurse a baby and change diapers and have him/her be totally dependent on me every moment of every day. Let alone going through 24 hours of laboring a big baby with firm bones. Because of previous losses I have a deep respect for mothers! I don't know what it is like to really love a little baby as fully as possible (however, I hear that this is a progressive process that takes time for some moms anyways!)

I'm feeling hurt that even women that know I had a second trimester miscarriage, don't consider me part of some womens club that is cosmically connected through giving birth. I'm not sure I want to be in this exclusive club that excludes babies that are born early. I did feel a deeper connection to all women and a bunch of cosmic stuff when I had the mc, but it seems that because I wasn't far enough along that I'm not even an honorary member. I wasn't as bonded as I am with the baby I have in my womb right now, but this baby is further along and I have had to really force myself to connect to her because I know she can be gone in a heartbeat. She is now in the still born stage, then there is sids to consider. I feel like because I had a miscarriage that I get insight into a part of pregnancy and birth that women who have never had a loss to do not understand. I feel my experience as a mother will be richer because of a past loss. I know more deeply how precious and delicate this little life really is. I think in the long run I may even more grateful for and in love with this little life because of my experience with loss.

Another thing I learned from my mc is that for me, birth is a private experience! To me, it is a go off into the woods and labor alone with God(dess) and be one with nature type of experience. So, although I plan to give birth in a hospital because I am not emotionally ready for a home birth of a big baby, just in case I need medical attention. I don't want any friends or family present. I am presently looking into a doula, if for no other reason than to help protect the baby and myself from unnecessary medical intervention. Three of my close friends that know the intimate details of my mc, have all told me that I might want to have my mom present for the birth or that I won't care who is in the room because I will be in so much pain. Again, totally disregarding the fact that I have experience with labor and delivery!!! One friend went so far as to say that birth is a beautiful experience so I might want my mom there (insinuating that because I don't want an audience that I don't think birth is beautiful) - ahem, BECAUSE it is so beautiful and intimate and sacred is why I DON'T want anyone there!!!

Anyways, is there anyone else who has experienced a loss(es) and gets what I'm talking about? Do you ever get irritated by other women's comments on how you will/should feel during labor and birth and motherhood because these comments seem to disregard your personal birth experiences?


  • LovingMomsLovingMoms Posts: 1,078
    edited November -1
    I have not experienced the kind if loss you had. I do want to say that I know that any loss is a traumatic experience and for you to have gone through it alone would be even more devasting.

    Know that it is okay to not have anyone in the room with you while you are giving birth to your child. Only you can make that decision and if your family and friends don't get it, then that's okay. You have to do what makes you happy, calm and at peace during this time.

    I wish you the best of luck!!!
    July 2011 BFP, miscarried at 5 weeks.
  • old mamaold mama Posts: 4,682
    edited November -1
    I am sorry you went through all this. I have had miscarriages but was never as far along as you were. I particularily was glad I was never even 12 weeks along and could handle it privately at home instead of a cold hearted medical enviroment where most of the time staff just doesn't get the bond you have already formed with your baby. I won't forgo medical but I too want a doula if I ever get PG again...I don't want family there for the birth either but after the baby is born...I would welcome all I can get! You have been through a lot and for me you just don't go on unscarred...those losses stay with you and color your experiences after. I hope when you are ready you try again and get that baby you so desire!
  • scifimomscifimom Posts: 1,173
    edited November -1
    Thank you both for sending a little love my way! Not at all to diminish my feelings, however, I think I was having an especially emotional pregnancy day when I was thinking/feeling all this stuff. I almost didn't want to come and check the responses because this post left me pretty vulnerable. One thing I have learned in life: no matter what I'm feeling/experiencing, there is always someone else who has felt the same way.

    Anyways, I know my closest friends are just so excited for me and that they are the type of people who would avoid saying anything upsetting. So it was helpful to be able to come here to vent rather than try to talk to them about these thoughts. :)
  • Ms.KateMs.Kate Posts: 1,216
    edited November -1
    I have not experienced a miscarriage, so I'm not going to pretend I know what it feels like for you. I can only imagine. As far as feeling left out of the exclusive club of birthing and motherhood, my heart breaks for you. You absolutely know what it's like to birth and to love your baby! I think it's good you're working through your feelings on how the experience has changed you and will change you during this pregnancy, your birth, and as a mother. To think that it would not would be foolish. And yes, like any painful experience, if someone can come out of it having learned something, that's the best thing. Your heart and soul have experienced a pain and loss that not everyone has, and in the end that is going to shape how you are as a mother for sure! You're doing a great job.
    Also, you don't owe any explanation about what you want for your birth and I'm sorry other women are ignoring the fact that you absolutely know what you want cause you've btdt! It is YOUR birth, YOUR experience, YOUR body, YOUR child, not theirs. :)
  • tellytelly Posts: 625
    edited November 2012
    Im sorry for your losses. I can only imagine. First off you are a mother/mom. When you recieve a pos pregnancy test you became a mother. You have something in stored for you and God(dess) knows exactly when to give it to you. You are a very strong woman. Im srorry soms women are not understanding. Whatever birth plan yiu chose, i just want it to be a healthy delivery and for you to be happy.

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