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nanny cams-need advice
emn'sar
Posts: 393
as some of you know, em and i have had an extremely flexible schedule for years. a few weeks ago, em got a job working M-F. we made this decision for a variety of reasons but it has it's obvious downfalls. one of them is that we had to hire someone to be with avery on wednesdays while we both work. it is the only day avery needs childcare and it happens to be for 11 hours. we had a very part-time nanny helping out for a few months last summer but i had known her for 5 years as my nephews' nanny. she felt like part of the family. i was also around a lot while she was here. i always felt that avery was loved, nurtured and safe with her.
to make a long story short, we hired a woman (carol)who works with another family in our building twice a week. the girls have play dates often and we are slowly getting acquainted to the other girl's parents. i saw carol often and she was always so sweet and friendly towards avery. a few months ago, she approached me and asked if i needed a nanny on wednesdays bc her wednesday gig had just ended. at the time i said no but possibly in the future. fast forward and we suddenly needed someone in 4 days!!!
i like her, she seems sweet, but i don't know how she is with avery. i have only been able to be around for a few hours to watch them interact. carol seems attentive and its obvious that she knows how to care for childern. i don't know, however, if she is kind and good when i am not around. i have been nervous on and off and anxious that maybe something is going on when we aren't home. this is based only on the fact that we don't know her yet very well and bc of a couple of weird comments she has made. we asked her "how is everything going, are you having issues or problems with anything?" and she said "no, not yet." which i thought was weird. she was also a few minutes late twice (once 5 minutes and another 14 minutes) and she has only been with us 4 times! em has to dash out in the mornings in orer to make it to work on time so this could become a huge issue. we approached it gently (and perhaps not directly enough) and she said she will try. um, hello, say i'm sorry, it'll never happen again! it could be just a cultural difference, i don't know. i try to give her the benefit of the doubt on certain things but at the same time, this is our daughter and there is basically a complete stranger watching her for 11 hours. we live in nyc and just weeks ago a nanny killed two of the children she had cared for for a year. i'm a little on edge!
we are thinking of getting a nanny cam and not telling her. we spoke with a nanny friend of ours recently who told us absolutely get one, put your mind at ease. she said carol is probably great but why go sick wondering? i feel weird about the whole situation but i can't go another day wondering if this woman is as wonderful as i want her to be. we went down to the other mother's apartment (who we instinctively trust but don't know well) and she adores carol. she is often home though while carol is there. so of course, any child caregiver will be great when the mom is right there!
do i install a nanny cam? where? do i tell her-why or why not? what has worked for you?
give me your thoughts, advice, experience...anything. we are so new to this. it is commonplace to have a nanny in nyc bc MANY of us have no family help/support. having a nanny once a week is the only option at this point.
thank you in advance...
to make a long story short, we hired a woman (carol)who works with another family in our building twice a week. the girls have play dates often and we are slowly getting acquainted to the other girl's parents. i saw carol often and she was always so sweet and friendly towards avery. a few months ago, she approached me and asked if i needed a nanny on wednesdays bc her wednesday gig had just ended. at the time i said no but possibly in the future. fast forward and we suddenly needed someone in 4 days!!!
i like her, she seems sweet, but i don't know how she is with avery. i have only been able to be around for a few hours to watch them interact. carol seems attentive and its obvious that she knows how to care for childern. i don't know, however, if she is kind and good when i am not around. i have been nervous on and off and anxious that maybe something is going on when we aren't home. this is based only on the fact that we don't know her yet very well and bc of a couple of weird comments she has made. we asked her "how is everything going, are you having issues or problems with anything?" and she said "no, not yet." which i thought was weird. she was also a few minutes late twice (once 5 minutes and another 14 minutes) and she has only been with us 4 times! em has to dash out in the mornings in orer to make it to work on time so this could become a huge issue. we approached it gently (and perhaps not directly enough) and she said she will try. um, hello, say i'm sorry, it'll never happen again! it could be just a cultural difference, i don't know. i try to give her the benefit of the doubt on certain things but at the same time, this is our daughter and there is basically a complete stranger watching her for 11 hours. we live in nyc and just weeks ago a nanny killed two of the children she had cared for for a year. i'm a little on edge!
we are thinking of getting a nanny cam and not telling her. we spoke with a nanny friend of ours recently who told us absolutely get one, put your mind at ease. she said carol is probably great but why go sick wondering? i feel weird about the whole situation but i can't go another day wondering if this woman is as wonderful as i want her to be. we went down to the other mother's apartment (who we instinctively trust but don't know well) and she adores carol. she is often home though while carol is there. so of course, any child caregiver will be great when the mom is right there!
do i install a nanny cam? where? do i tell her-why or why not? what has worked for you?
give me your thoughts, advice, experience...anything. we are so new to this. it is commonplace to have a nanny in nyc bc MANY of us have no family help/support. having a nanny once a week is the only option at this point.
thank you in advance...
Avery 2.5 years and Julian 4.5 months
0
Comments
In your situation I would do a couple of things if you haven't already. Come up with a contract that outlines your expectations, or at the very least a list of household rules. Being on time can certainly be part of that, acting professional (don't bring your drama in to my home/babies world), limited use of cell phone, computer etc while baby is awake, television guidelines. Sit down and go over these with her one by one (you can even have her initial each). Allude to the fact that you may indeed have a Nanny camera and things like excessive cell phone use will be nipped in the bud.
I've had to strip naked at work after being puked on by a toddler and have to use the restroom 90% of the time with the door open to keep everyone alive and happy....my bosses don't really want or need to see any of that!
i don't know. she doesn't even know how to use a cell phone or computer really. i guess she is in her late 50s-ish? she doesn't seem to have any drama. she lives down the street, does not have children, is religious and involved in her church, and attends night classes to obtain her bachelor's degree. all good things IMO. i want to trust her but i feel like trust is earned not just handed out, especially when taking care of my kid.
thank you for your take on it. i reallllly need to hear both sides of this
Avery 2.5 years and Julian 4.5 months
Check the laws in your state as well. It very well could be illegal.
I would not want to work with a camera as well. Twice now I had to strip down to nothing because of Riley getting sick on me or peed on. It may not be your situation but I also nursed. I do not mind nursing in public but felt uneasy about doing it on camera especially if I did not know where it was. Then like Shanny always leave the door open to use the rest room. I do not mind working with the family home and it would not be too bad but knowing that I was being watched in general may make me uneasy.
I read a book called how to keep your child safe and it covered a wide range of topics. One of them being nanny cams. It suggested not using one. I don't know if I fully agree with their reasons but one being that if your watching them you may decide you don't like them. Not because they are not doing a wonderful job but it may not be exactly like you for minor issues.
Though I do know some situations where a nanny cam helped catch not so great care. If you do not trust her well there are other options such as just showing up, asking questions or even leaving a voice recorder to her a idea.
I had one bad experience with a nanny for Z. I questioned the situation since I had a bad feeling & her stories did not line up. I do not think he was in danger by any means but like I had a feeling she took him back to his house over the park. I do not think she was honest with a lot of things. I should have fired her sooner but was stuck in a tight situation.
I agree with the contract idea. Think of what you want & feel comfortable with. I always set the time for 20 minutes before I need to leave. Many even 30 because if running late is not a issue it still can happen. I'm even a minute or two late though that's rare & mostly because something comes up with my son the second I'm leaving. It also allows you to talk to her if needed about anything that is going on with the child that day or if the morning is crazy they can watch the child while you have a few minutes to finish getting ready. More often then not I would get caught up in conversation which I liked since it allowed me to get to know them. Then last thing is I would not allow them to leave with Z until I knew them very well.
Personally, I generally operate under the assumption that there is one so I wouldn't change much by being told there's a camera but sometimes things come up that you don't want filmed...like the examples having to strip down due to being thrown up on. When I had an infant and toddler 50 hrs a week I could count on having to change my shirt almost daily. I usually went into the bathroom for that but still....
I think you're right to be leery of a stranger caring for your child and it takes time to build trust but just be thoughtful about how you build that trust. Coming home unexpectedly is a good way.
If you get a nanny cam you're going to either be watching her all day and not doing your own work (bad plan), or trying to review the day all evening to see if you can catch some tiny thing to validate your instinct that she's not you. She'll never be you. She can't be. She won't do things the way you would and she won't say things the way you would say them. But that doesn't mean that she can't be an amazing, loving caregiver to Avery and enrich her world in many ways.
Another thing to think about is that legally workers are supposed to have at least a 15 min break every, five hours I think. And an 11 hour shift is a really, really long day, sometimes without a single break, God forbid a lunch hour. I'm not saying that she should spend the day sitting on her phone, but you have to be open to the idea that she's going to have her own way to do things. Maybe she's the type of person who lets all the dishes pile up all day, makes a huge mess of the house, lets Avery spill on her clothes and just wipes it off, etc, and then she is a whirlwind at the end of the day and cleans it all up just before you get home. Or, maybe she keeps everything meticulously clean all day long and lets Avery sit and wait for five minutes while she does the dishes, or she changes Avery 12 times because she spilled a few crumbs or got a little sticky. Her style is going to be different than yours, but if you watch her every movement on a camera you are going to make yourself an anxious mess looking for things to be different/bad.
Bottom line, you have to trust your gut. If you're feeling very uncomfortable about the whole thing then you need to spend the entire day with her. Even if you tell her that you're home because you have horrible menstrual cramps and just can't go out in public...
it is not an option for me or em to drop in on her either. i asked my sister to drop in on wednesday to say she was in the building and wanted to see avery, (she sells real estate in the neighborhood).
i just wanted to add that it's not that i don't trust her. i don't KNOW her. how can i trust her? it takes time i guess. but it's just such a crazy thought that i am leaving my child with a stranger that i know a tiny bit about. it's just one of those crappy realities that most parents have to accept.
i like the idea of a contract. not sure where to start with that but i will look into that more. i did leave a notebook full of info, instructions, fun facts about avery, etc that carol had requested. maybe i can just expand on that...
Avery 2.5 years and Julian 4.5 months
In addition to a contract you can also give her a sheet to fill out daily. I had a really good one when A was a baby. It ssaid what and when she ate, slept, pooped etc along with exersaucer, bumbo, floor time, walks, outings and some room for notes. Some days I barely checked off an activity or 2 and some days I wrote a novel but most was somewhere in between. And they are really fun to go back and read now! Plus me and her Mom email all day long so this kids life is all in writing somewhere.
If you need resources for a contract or anything else, feel free to send me a message.
I don't tend to think of homes as the place for cameras. But ... anytime you step into a bank or store or school, you know you're being recorded. And nowadays you can't drive down the street without being caught by camera or satellite. So is it really that horrible to have cameras on residential staff? There is an ethical question here. Shanny pointed it out with regard to one's state of dress. So I'd have to say that if you're thinking to use it long-term ... you probably should let the nanny know.
That being said, I would absolutely have no qualms or reservations about being filmed while caring for anyone's child, due to the level of care I provide, but the reality is - a parent who is watching you interact with their child, especially if they already are paranoid about what I might or might not be doing, will very likely take something they randomly see completely out of context. You already said you wondered a little at her comment "No, not yet..." very likely it meant nothing more than just being the way she happened to answer. Random stop ins by you would certainly be acceptable, contracts are good also (IMO they don't really help ensure "proper" care, as a good caregiver will automatically provide that level of care without being contracted to do so, and a poor one won't provide that level of care just because a paper tells them to, but they do help verbalize and communicate clear expectations and what will not be allowed and what happens if they are found to be breaking their commitment), and maybe the other lady you know in the building would even be willing to just drop by to "borrow some sugar" or something on a random Wednesday and could report back to you (simply a thot - I don't know what your relationship with her is)?
I do feel for you... I don't know if I could do what you are doing at all and I'm certain if I had to make that choice, I'd be in a frenzied state of worry also. Our children are just too precious to trust to virtual strangers... too bad life makes it necessary to make these compromises sometimes. Good luck with your situation!!!