"I don't love you."

EMG_REL

I've mentioned recently that H is going through an aggressive phase. He hits, bites, kicks, and pinches but just us. He has always favored my DP, and it's probably because he spends the most time with her (in the half hour commute to and from everywhere everyday because I work in an opposite direction) and because she is much less of a disciplinarian than I am and more playful. Anyway, he will no longer tell me that he loves me. When I tell him I love him, he'll say, "I don't love you. I just love Mommy." (I'm Mama.) It breaks my heart, and I tell him that it makes me sad when he says that, but it doesn't matter. He clearly enjoys my sad reaction in some twisted way. Please tell me this is a phase and that he doesn't have some kind of underlying hatred for me. I know I'm hormonal and extra sensitive, but this sucks.

Kari

Justin does something like this too sometimes, when he's frustrated that something went wrong or when he's being asked to do something and he doesn't want to do it. He likes to call names, like "stupid mommy" and some Captain Hook reference like "sneakity snook mommy."

You kind of have to develop some thick skin when you're the disciplinarian, and I've chosen to lay down some boundaries. When Justin calls me a name, he can't ask me for anything for the next 15 minutes because I'm in "mommy time-out" working through my feelings. He hates that because he always needs help with something and 15 minutes is a LONG time to a 4-year old. I'm hoping it will curb the frequency and get him to realize that his words have consequences. I tried talking to him when he was calm about how it hurt my feelings, and preschool read the bucket story to him (but he uses that against me, so I wouldn't recommend it!), but those techniques didn't work. I think kids have to be about 7 before they can have empathy for another person. Of course, you'd have to have DP also refuse to help him for 15 minutes for this to be effective, otherwise it could make the situation even worse with him playing you against each other.

One thing that has helped strengthen our relationship is for me to try to find several things to praise him for throughout the day. It has to be true praise, and not empty praise though. Like I can't say, "Good job on that!" I have to be more specific like, "Thank you for putting your clothes in the washing machine. That really helps mommy out," or "I love how you shared that toy with your sister even though you really wanted it all for yourself. I know that was hard for you to do." A second thing to improve our relationship was making sure I took the time to cuddle with him, read a story to him, and play on the floor with him every day. It sounds obvious, but some days I was going 60 mph all day long and I didn't feel like I had the time to do all those things, and as he got older and more independent I expected him to play independently or not want as much cuddle time.

fisch

Actually I think it's quite normal for a child to attach more firmly to one parent. As they mature they are able to attach to more people at the same or similar intensity. You should try, although I know it can be hard, to not take it personally and to not try too hard. At the same time, don't give up...he doesn't mean it. He is doing what is developmentally appropriate- which is communicating his feelings, and attaching to one individual. There have been millions of studies on attachment and if you read into it all you will find that if the first parent is removed from view of a child, they choose their next "best" attachment. Often times the other parent if there is one.
In any case, even though I know all this, it's still a sensitive subject in our house. It's been interesting to watch and learn about. My wife thinks our son didn't attach to her right away because she didn't take bonding time off of work. To this day she brings that up. We know in reality he simply has a pecking order. Our daughter has the same, and in general my wife is #1 for her....I have worked hard establishing my own bond with her...however ive noticed she seems to go for whoever has most recently spent the most time with her.

EMG_REL

Thanks, everyone. Everything you're all saying makes sense. I do think it's a power thing, and I also agree that it's normal to attach the most to one person, and I should make an effort to play with him more, just the two of us. I think I'm especially worried that he already isn't a big fan of mine, so he's going to resent me when he finds out I'm bringing someone else into our family. He cuddled with me this morning, and I resisted the urge to ask him if he loves me today, haha. I know he does. I do need to learn to not react strongly when he's being a "toot" (I like that, babybaby!). I'm sure it all comes down to my paranoia that he will always just have more of a connection to R because she is his biological mom.

EMG_REL

I know we've said this before, but my post made things magically improve. This forum seems to have that power! He suddenly has been offering his affection to me much more and even once said out of the blue, "I don't tell mama I don't love you because that makes you sad." So sweet. On another note, he has recently begun calling us interchangeably "Mom", and it's so grownup and adorable.

old mama

I get that and I am the only Mom in the house...I just come back...that is too bad...or that makes me sad...because I love you so much and leave it at that. It takes a thick skin to be a parent...what until you have teenagers who hate you and blame you for everything that goes wrong in their life.

earrefinnej

When kids say I don't love you or worse, it usually means they need more connection with you. It sounds like you may be making that happen now. Good luck!

EMG_REL

Thanks. Yeah, I think it dawned on me that he's been spending most of his time with either DP alone or both moms, and I need to make more of an effort to do one-on-one things with him. It really does make a difference!

EMG_REL

Just another update: He's still being quite sweet with me and throws out the frequent, "I love ya, Mom!" which is totally adorable. I've been very conscious of making sure that he and I are getting our alone time, and we've both been able to take him to do more things with the improving weather, so his aggression in general has been lessening. I think maybe he had a case of cabin fever like the rest of us!