Anyone dealing with a child with anxiety issues?

Kari

Feel free to PM me if you don't want to respond publicly. Here's the scoop:

So Justin is a little bit of a challenge. As an infant his doctor thought he had reflux/colic/GERD but he actually had a milk protein allergy. At 2.5 he was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder. By 4 his behavior had gone downhill and I was googling "ADHD or ODD?". I put him on the Feingold Diet back in August and within days he was calmer and more in control, but it isn't 100%. Two months ago I cut out milk (not all dairy) and his nightly stomach aches went away.

As I'm getting ready for kindergarten registration, I contacted his doctor about ADHD concerns so I could get a 504 plan in place before he starts school. His two preK teachers and I completed the Vanderbilt Assessment and I met Wednesday with the doctor to go over the results. Prior to our appointment, I'd googled how to score the assessments and realized he tested positive by all three of us for hyperactive/impulsive ADHD and ODD. I wasn't really expecting ODD, but he tends to be argumentative and stubborn at times.

The pediatrician said that due to his age (4), she can't diagnose ADHD or ODD, so she referred us to a developmental pediatrician. The wait list is about 6-9 months for an appointment, so I won't have an answer anytime soon. Then she strongly emphasized her point that she felt it could be anxiety and not ODD & ADHD. She put me in touch with a play therapist to work on his and my toolbox of ways to deal with the day-to-day.

In the meantime, I've been kind of analyzing his ODD-type reactions. (The ADHD seems to be controlled through the diet almost 100%.) They do tend to focus around events that he could be anxious over, but they're almost always when an adult is exerting their agenda on him. For example, he's had some intense outbursts over visiting a new daycare, attending his first peer birthday party, and at daycare or home when he feels "the rules changed without telling me" like when he goes out to recess and expects to play independently but the teacher wants them to play an unfamiliar group game, when I switched up the order of steps of what he needed to do to get ready in the morning, or when I show up an hour early unexpectedly to pick him up from daycare.

He worries over starting school in the fall, couldn't sleep for two nights because my dad said the word 'rat' and it scared him, for weeks will talk about a scene in a Disney movie that was scary, and he talks now and then about what might happen if I die. He has an awful time with transitions: getting out the door in the morning, the daycare drop-off, and the daycare pick-up.

Everything I'm reading online about anxiety talks about older kids who are scared of school and feel physically ill. It doesn't seem to relate to what I'm seeing. Justin is very verbal and deals with his frustrations by vocalizing them. I know I had anxiety as a child, generally about changes in my schedule (field trip days, starting a new after school activity, having a substitute teacher or bus driver) and fear of my teachers or forgetting a book or homework assignment. I didn't act out in verbal outbursts but kept it inside. If anyone's dealt with this, do you recall what signs you may have seen in a preschooler? Does this sound like it could be anxiety?

Shanny

This is what my sister has been dealing with intensely for about 2 1/2 years now. Looking back signs started when my niece was about 2 1/2. Kate had just been born and her parents split up. Up until then she was like this little dream baby who would and could go with the flow in any situation any time. My sister also has a history of anxiety and panic attacks. We felt for sure when she started play therapy a couple years ago that odd would be the diagnosis but no one has gone as far as to say that's what we are dealing with and they are just focusing more on helping her deal with her anxieties in the trigger situations. Which are all the things you mentioned - change in routine like substitute teacher, adults telling her what to do particularly if she has already hit her breaking point etc. My sister has learned a lot and spent an enormous amount of time trying to educate anyone she is around at school to try and avoid the really, really bad instances that have come up in the past 2 years. For instance, if you put your hands on D in anyway (redirection, stepping in between her and another person) when she is already upset it goes down hill really, really fast. So my sister makes sure that everyone is hyper aware of this. D has also started OT. That too undiagnosed but basically from what I'm getting - there are some core/trunk issues that some how relate to handwriting which has been a great source of frustration.

In a perfect world my sister could structure her life a lot more to help D. But as a preschool teacher and single mother she has to do a lot of babysitting to make ends meet. It is inconsistent and I'm sure triggers some anxieties for D. Her father has become much more consistent in the last couple of years but he still doesn't see her nearly as much as she would like so she's just plain pissed off about that a good deal of the time.

I'm not sure I've been of any help but please feel free to ask anything and if I don't know the specifics I can ask my sister.

I will say that I'm glad you've had experience with anxiety yourself. I think it REALLY helps a parent or any other adult to have patience and compassion for a child going through it. It is very hard for me as I'm pretty cut and dry on emotions but it has been a good time for me to learn!

Something my sister confessed to me lately that I thought was really insightful was that something she has had to deal with and has been working on - accepting that she has a special needs child (ironically when D was a baby and my sister Nannied for a boy with Williams syndrome she always used to say how God would never give her a special needs child because he knows she can't handle it...) and that she has had to grieve the loss of the "perfect" child she always thought she would have/did have and accept the child she DOES have. I thought that was really mature but also heartbreakingly honest of her

mel

I have a child whose behavior is (or was in the past) extremely similar to what you have described. I believe for her, it is anxiety and the oppositional behavior seems to stem from a need to control the environment (which I think is one way of dealing with anxiety) including the people around her. If there were a dial for these behaviors, I would say my daughter is relatively low on it and Justin is just turned up, if that makes sense. We have been through the Vanderbilt assessment and she doesn't quite qualify for the SPD diagnosis, but she definitely does have some sensory issues and we are about to begin OT for that. Actually, we had a horrible time from the beginning of the school year until about February, and then suddenly there was a giant shift and things have improved dramatically. We had to redo the assessments and answer questions based on the way things are now, not two months ago, or there is no doubt things would be more serious. For her, it was largely related to some adults in her life (not me!) having some unrealistic expectations and not handling those well. Once that changed, things improved somewhat. She still has all of her quirks but we have more tools in the toolbox (to use your metaphor) that I shared with her teacher and school counselor when I found out what was going on, and that has made a huge difference. Do you have good support at his school?

Kari

Shanny, I've definitely been through the grieving process, although I wouldn't admit that to any of my family yet. That was pretty brave of your sister to do. My sister has two teenagers: one is gifted and ADHD, the other's third concussion caused her to lose 3 months of memories and for a little over a year she was unable to process information, schoolwork, etc. Yet she never seemed the least bit thrown by her kids' issues, so I feel like I'd be a whiny brat saying, "I just didn't plan for this when I pictured myself having kids."

Mel, his preschool has been pretty supportive since they have seen him on the diet and off. Lori gives me a report every afternoon as to how his day has been and remembers what he was fed and when if there are any issues. When I brought up the possible anxiety issues, she's been open and receptive to that being the cause of his meltdowns and oppositional behavior. The other primary provider is out on maternity leave and her subs have been hit or miss. But preschool/daycare ends for Justin in June and we're starting a new daycare and new school in a different town, and I don't really know much about this school district. Two of his preK classmates will be going with him, but he's not friends with either. What I read online isn't very favorable. BUT, the special ed director's husband is my sister's co-worker (and they're good friends), so I'm hoping that she'll go the extra mile for Justin because of that. It's a small school, but they have 2-3 different classes in each grade so I hope they'll put him with someone who can be more accommodating.

Kari

Ironically, Justin just told me about a half an hour ago that he wishes he never had a sister because she hurts his feelings all the time. His next sentence was that he wished he lived with someone else because I hurt his feelings all the time. Then I told him his sister and he were staying, and I'm sorry if it hurts his feelings, but that he still needed to take a nap. Most of the time he loves his sister to pieces but her language delay has been a struggle because she can't communicate well and when she tries, he doesn't listen. So they often start playing together but end up at odds with one another because he wants to build and she wants to wreck, or he wants to throw a ball but she's trying to watch tv so he tries to engage her by hitting her with the ball while she yells no at him.

coryandamanda

DD6 is an extremely sensitive and anxious child. She always has been. Over the years we have learned what things we have coming up in our lives that we need to talk about before the day arrives and what kinds of things we need to not mention at all until the day of. This goes for both fun and not fun events! I am also still learning what to push her with as far as school and every day life and what things to just let go sometimes. She isn't a behavior issue when she is having anxiety over something (actually she is one of the best behaved kids on the planet LOL) but instead she will get really clingy and overly emotional. Sometimes she realizes she is worried/stressed/excited over something and sometimes she doesn't consciously recognize it until we,as parents, get to where we know something is going on and we sit down and figure it out. She will also hold things in often until bedtime and she is exhausted and then something sets it off and she breaks down and catches us completely off guard. I think other kids would probably do this breakdown kind of thing with behavior issues or tantrums, but since she is little miss rule enforcer she melts down in other ways. It is exhausting and I hope you can figure it out soon.

old mama

I could write a book...my youngest....Jonas is 8 yrs old now. I don't know if the word anxiety even starts to describe him. He wouldn't even talk to anyone but his immediate family until he was about 3. He had an IEP from 3 that entirely or now partially delt with getting him to communicate with others. He CAN...but would not. He is scared of everything imaginable. He is so super stuck to me. Any change in routine and he can not handle it. It has not gotten much better and I am considering homeschooling him..have considered it for years but the gap between his social skills and anxiety and other children his age is widening. There is no use trying to get him involved in sports or clubs as I would literally have to drag him out of the car...he was asthma and being upset will bring an attack on...He is nothing like any of the other 14 children I have raised. Most were go getters! But he is loving and sweet and I have decided he still needs time...I feel for you though.