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How do you handle these kinds of situations?
Kari
Posts: 1,765
I'm hoping those of you with more experience than I have can help me out on this one. My son is going to be 5 in a few weeks. He lives with me and his younger sister. He's classically all boy but also enjoys being like mommy or his sister once in a while as well, whether that means playing with dolls, wearing an Elsa cape to a superhero party, wearing a pink flowered headband, or asking to have a ponytail on top of his head "like Juliet's." This doesn't bother me, but it bothers me how others respond to it. I'm never quick with a witty comeback and was wondering how you would respond in these situations.
It seems like, as he's getting older, people are more and more concerned about gender stereotypes and that he shouldn't be doing stuff like this. I can see where he's coming from, that he has mostly female role models and wants to be like Juliet and me. He also wants to do very stereotypical boy things as well that he certainly didn't pick up from me (ahem, gun play).
How do you respond to people who question your child's choices when they don't always conform to "socially acceptable norms"? My sister and dad think I shouldn't allow it outside the house, but I don't want Justin growing up thinking this is okay for only girls and this is okay only for boys. Granted, we're only talking about headbands and superheroes now, but soon it's going to be "Boys are good at math and science; girls are good at reading. Boys are active; girls are quiet and polite. Boys are good at sports; girls are good at cooking." He's already made comments about daycare friends along these lines, and as a teacher and someone who never quite followed the norms, I don't like that.
It seems like, as he's getting older, people are more and more concerned about gender stereotypes and that he shouldn't be doing stuff like this. I can see where he's coming from, that he has mostly female role models and wants to be like Juliet and me. He also wants to do very stereotypical boy things as well that he certainly didn't pick up from me (ahem, gun play).
How do you respond to people who question your child's choices when they don't always conform to "socially acceptable norms"? My sister and dad think I shouldn't allow it outside the house, but I don't want Justin growing up thinking this is okay for only girls and this is okay only for boys. Granted, we're only talking about headbands and superheroes now, but soon it's going to be "Boys are good at math and science; girls are good at reading. Boys are active; girls are quiet and polite. Boys are good at sports; girls are good at cooking." He's already made comments about daycare friends along these lines, and as a teacher and someone who never quite followed the norms, I don't like that.
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Friends of mine have a boy Kate's age. He is all boy in some aspects but LOVES to dress in girls things - clothes (real or dress up, jewelry etc). He also has some other very feminine qualities. They recently went to Disney and eventually got him a Belle dress and let him wear it. I was really proud of them. I know it must be hard to understand , gets stares and comments from strangers etc but he was SO happy! It is particularly hard for her husband as he is much more conservative (and "all boy"). But they are really just taking it one day and moment at a time. I know they are really worried about starting kindergarten but they know they have to learn to deal with it now as this is who he truly is (from the sounds of it, it is much more pronounced in their case than in yours).
Anyway, I just say all that so you know you aren't alone and that other parents worry about it too. Can you tell us some of the comments that are made? Is it adults or other kids?
I feel your pain though. My own parents are very into gender norms which is the complete opposite of DW & I. I have to remind my parents frequently that they had their turn raising me how they saw fit, now it's *my* turn raising my kids how I see fit.
this ^^
I enjoy some typically "boy" things so when my son comments on how something is "for girls" or "for boys" I always point out how everyone likes different things.
I hope I'm raising him to accept people for who they are and not judging people by what they choose to wear/like. maybe that kid likes wearing his shorts inside out? maybe that lady likes pants with holes in the knees? maybe that man likes wearing lipstick?
DS (7) - d#470
Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it.
M is a "typical" boy through and through. Even in a house with Barbies and princesses and whatever his main interests are and always have been anything in any, way, shape or form related to a truck, train or motorcycle, Bob the Builder and any sort of construction, sports and bike riding. His favorite past times are getting dirty, jumping in any puddle he can find big or small, grabbing his penis and pretending to pee on things, making weird noises with his mouth, eating, and being a total goofball.
He really couldn't be any more of a boy and everyone who knows him knows this. But he also has his toenails painted probably 90% of the time and likes to play princess dress up with his sisters. He also is a big fan of Dora. When he went to spend a night with my mom and sister he took his sister's pink and purple Dora backpack. They actually made a comment about it and when he came back home the next day he arrived with a Cars suitcase they took him to Target to buy because they couldn't believe he came with the Dora bag. SERIOUSLY??!! They are my family and I voice my opinion on those things regularly but it goes in one ear and out the other. My kids know that there are no such things as "girl" and "boy" things in our eyes but just being out in the world at school or with friends they pick up things contrary to our beliefs. I do my best to not get upset by it and just reiterate what we are trying to instill in them as our belief system. But it is totally annoying nonetheless.....
"Are you carrying your sister's dolly for her?" (grandfather dropping a child off at daycare)
"Your hair looks like a girl!" "Why are you wearing a girl's headband?" (other boys at daycare)
"You're not seriously going to let him go as Elsa to the party, are you? What will the other parents say? Do NOT let him wear the tiara! Here, I bought him a Spiderman t-shirt instead." (my sister)
And my dad didn't offer an opinion on the Elsa costume, but I caught a look that he didn't approve.
I explained to my sister how Justin really relates to Elsa. They both have strong fears and emotions that they both feel out of control about. Elsa overcomes hers in the end. I think Justin looks up to her for that reason . . . and he loves the movie/music because his friend Abby loves it. Same reason he wore the headband (because Abby has ones like it). He doesn't play as much with a few of the boys at daycare that he's been there with for 5 years because they've turned into trouble-makers and all like to play superheroes at recess, which the teachers have banned (and one of them is the one making the comments about his hair). Instead he plays with quieter, calmer boys and the girls in the class and they do more social, role-playing games rather than action hero/gun play games like the other group of boys.