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Being honest with kids about their genetic origins
horton
Posts: 67
My family has some interesting things going on that have made me think about this forum and I decided to share this in case it affects how anyone things about this topic. I realize that the situation in my extended family isn't about donor conception, but the issues are largely the same...
So, I just learned that a few months ago, my grandma (who is 96 years old) was contacted by a man who claims that he believes that her brother (who had been deceased since before I was born) is his biological father. Allegedly, the brother was on furlough from his military service in the 1940's when he got this man's mother (who was only 14 at the time) pregnant. The man was raised by his mother and the man she married, who adopted him when he was 9 months old (who of course, is really his dad, being the person who adopted and raised him, but for the sake of not being too confusing while explaining this, I'll call him the adoptive dad). They went on to have more kids and the son was never told about his biological father. Fast forward to earlier this year. His mother's mental state had declined and she was talking one day and mentioned something about being alone when she gave birth to him. He asked where his dad was and she replied, "oh we didn't know him yet." The man's mind was blown and he went on to ask more questions, which she answered. She gave my greatuncle's name and details of his military service, details about their dates (locations, etc), and everything she said matches perfectly with my grandma's family history/time frame. I'm certain that the only way this man is NOT biologically my grandma's nephew is if his mom had multiple partners and is just wrong about which one is the son's bio father. The man followed all the leads he could and ended up reaching the wife of my grandma's late brother. She refused to talk to him about it, but did give him my grandma's information. He wants my grandma to do dna testing through ancestory.com to see if it gives him any further answers (which she is happily doing because she's kinda awesome like that). She and my mom have communicated with him, sent him some photos, etc. He just keeps saying, "I can't believe I could have known my real dad. I have a whole other family I didn't know about..." It turns out that he went to high school with my parents. He's a grade older than my aunt. Seriously, they could have dated! This man is almost 70 years old and he feels like his whole life has been a lie. Of course, 70 years ago no one dreamed that there would be dna technology like there is now, and I'm sure his mom thought she was going the right thing by keeping that secret, but the thing is, SECRETS DON'T STAY HIDDEN FOREVER! Now in this particular case, I'm sure his pain is made worse by the fact that his adoptive father was not good to him. He was an alcoholic who was abusive and he eventually kicked him out of the house. No matter what though, finding out that one's whole life has been based on a secret has been devastating to him.
I'm sharing all of this because, while I know that most of us are open with our kids about their origins (either because it's obvious that our families lack sperm and therefore we have something to explain regardless or because we simply choose to be honest with them), I also know that there are plenty of hetero families on here (and in real life) who really feel like it's best to keep their donor use a secret from their child. How you raise your child is your business and it's ultimately your decision to make, but I am just posting this as food for thought for those who have to make this decision. Actually, while I'm on the subject, for the record this is NOT such an odd and unusual circumstance. I know of a hetero couple in my real life who used a donor to conceive their son. He is a teenager now and they've never told him and don't plan to ever tell him. How do I know then, you might wonder? Because the boy's maternal grandma, who is THE ONLY person aside from the parents who knew, told my mom when my mom told her I was pregnant with willow (through donor sperm). Of course she told my mom not to tell, and my mom said she wouldn't...and then she promptly called me to tell me. I used to go to church with this couple long ago. We aren't in touch at all now, but we have MANY mutual friends. I haven't told anyone and I never will, but all it would take is me telling one person and then that person telling one person, and so on for this to spread FAST. The boy would either hear of it or a huge number of people who know him would know much more than he does about his genetic origins, which just isn't right either.
Secrets don't keep. Just something to think about.
So, I just learned that a few months ago, my grandma (who is 96 years old) was contacted by a man who claims that he believes that her brother (who had been deceased since before I was born) is his biological father. Allegedly, the brother was on furlough from his military service in the 1940's when he got this man's mother (who was only 14 at the time) pregnant. The man was raised by his mother and the man she married, who adopted him when he was 9 months old (who of course, is really his dad, being the person who adopted and raised him, but for the sake of not being too confusing while explaining this, I'll call him the adoptive dad). They went on to have more kids and the son was never told about his biological father. Fast forward to earlier this year. His mother's mental state had declined and she was talking one day and mentioned something about being alone when she gave birth to him. He asked where his dad was and she replied, "oh we didn't know him yet." The man's mind was blown and he went on to ask more questions, which she answered. She gave my greatuncle's name and details of his military service, details about their dates (locations, etc), and everything she said matches perfectly with my grandma's family history/time frame. I'm certain that the only way this man is NOT biologically my grandma's nephew is if his mom had multiple partners and is just wrong about which one is the son's bio father. The man followed all the leads he could and ended up reaching the wife of my grandma's late brother. She refused to talk to him about it, but did give him my grandma's information. He wants my grandma to do dna testing through ancestory.com to see if it gives him any further answers (which she is happily doing because she's kinda awesome like that). She and my mom have communicated with him, sent him some photos, etc. He just keeps saying, "I can't believe I could have known my real dad. I have a whole other family I didn't know about..." It turns out that he went to high school with my parents. He's a grade older than my aunt. Seriously, they could have dated! This man is almost 70 years old and he feels like his whole life has been a lie. Of course, 70 years ago no one dreamed that there would be dna technology like there is now, and I'm sure his mom thought she was going the right thing by keeping that secret, but the thing is, SECRETS DON'T STAY HIDDEN FOREVER! Now in this particular case, I'm sure his pain is made worse by the fact that his adoptive father was not good to him. He was an alcoholic who was abusive and he eventually kicked him out of the house. No matter what though, finding out that one's whole life has been based on a secret has been devastating to him.
I'm sharing all of this because, while I know that most of us are open with our kids about their origins (either because it's obvious that our families lack sperm and therefore we have something to explain regardless or because we simply choose to be honest with them), I also know that there are plenty of hetero families on here (and in real life) who really feel like it's best to keep their donor use a secret from their child. How you raise your child is your business and it's ultimately your decision to make, but I am just posting this as food for thought for those who have to make this decision. Actually, while I'm on the subject, for the record this is NOT such an odd and unusual circumstance. I know of a hetero couple in my real life who used a donor to conceive their son. He is a teenager now and they've never told him and don't plan to ever tell him. How do I know then, you might wonder? Because the boy's maternal grandma, who is THE ONLY person aside from the parents who knew, told my mom when my mom told her I was pregnant with willow (through donor sperm). Of course she told my mom not to tell, and my mom said she wouldn't...and then she promptly called me to tell me. I used to go to church with this couple long ago. We aren't in touch at all now, but we have MANY mutual friends. I haven't told anyone and I never will, but all it would take is me telling one person and then that person telling one person, and so on for this to spread FAST. The boy would either hear of it or a huge number of people who know him would know much more than he does about his genetic origins, which just isn't right either.
Secrets don't keep. Just something to think about.
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Comments
I cannot understand the intention to keep the use of a donor a secret from the person(s) who are a direct result. We speak openly about the donor and refer to him as "donor" with friends and family, by his donor number with donor sibling families, and his celebrity match name to ourselves. (Might have to update our private nickname or the boys are going to think their donor is in a bunch of movies. .... That should be a movie!)
We are also working on being more open with outsiders, ie when someone says "daddy must be so happy to have two boys," etc. We don't have a "daddy" in our family and I need to be consistent for the boys in my response (and ourselves).
Lucky Cycle 14: IVF!! Antagonist Cycle with Lupron Trigger
P.S. Your grandma is awesome!
I am not in favor of keeping genetics a secret. I know too many people who have been hurt by this. But I understand why it happens. I don't condone small mindedness and bigotry but I can't pretend it doesn't exist.
horton - I hope this man does turn out to be your "uncle" because counting you and your little one as family would be awesome for him!
Thank you for sharing. I hope he is able to find peace.
Progesterone therapy and baby aspirin daily
Two miscarriages in between (August 2012 - same donor as Maggie, and December 2014 with husband)
Maggie
and I agree with openness. generations ago, I can see/understand it... but it's 2014. our kids won't be the only ones with one mom, or two moms, or dads or whatever... and they won't be the only ones conceived with "help". my son knows our family doesn't have a dad. I haven't quite broached the birds and bees talk with him yet (he's almost 7) so I don't know how much "donor" talk he'd understand. but my plan has always been to give age appropriate details, and always the truth.
DS (7) - d#470
Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it.
Horton, thank you for sharing your family's story. It was an interesting read and hopefully enlightening to some who might think they can even realistically keep such a secret. Secrets don't keep! Especially in light of the DNA technology today that is actually affordable to the masses. I wouldn't be surprised if DNA testing & databases become more commonplace, like the cellphone of the medical industry.
I am not by any means defending people who lie to their children about how they were conceived but I don't think we are as enlightened as a society as some are making it out to be. Obviously a man who cannot create a family using his own sperm has a LOT of feelings that go along with that including shame, embarrassment, and a host of other things that many of us cannot begin to understand (and no being in a relationship that has no sperm is not the same).
Again, I am not excusing it - under any circumstances but let's not pretend it is easy for a man to come to terms with not being able to create a family that is biologically his.
I think I can begin to understand those feelings. I felt like less of a woman when I couldn't conceive. I felt like my entire biological purpose on this earth was a waste, since I could not do what we are biologically meant to do. (Yes, I know there are other purposes but I'm a science teacher and saw it as a genetic/scientific failure, therefore I was a failure.) So I can begin to understand. But I still think lying about that to protect some man's poor ego is disgusting, and years and years of anecdotal and published study evidence from adoptees backs up that opinion.
But also you DID end up conceiving (and how!). But a man who ultimately used a sperm donor did not. Again, not a reason, excuse or justification in anyway just not something I can truly relate to what that would be like for him. And while I'd really like for him to man up and live in this modern world we live in he was very likely raised by idiots to have made him feel this way so we've got a long way to go as a society. But as long as people in our generation continue to hide it then the vicious cycle continues.
I keep the donor number private for safety reasons. Yes, my daughter will know there are half-siblings out there and she can look into it when I feel it's safe to give her the donor number. I know first hand how easy it is to request a paternity test down at child support enforcement. My first name and city, armed with the knowledge of my donor number, would likely be all it takes for the donor or his family to locate me and my daughter. I love that the donor gave up his rights to offspring, before any were even conceived. However, he is human and I have no doubt, he or his parents would fall madly in love with my child if they saw a picture! I have no reson to believe a judge definitely would not grant any sort of visitation (meaning I'm handing my kid over to strangers with out drug testing!!!) And if the donor saw a picture and didn't fight tooth and nail for my daughter, that would be even more sad. This is why I like keeping things private. I'm so grateful and I feel the donor did an incredible act of kindness to donate. I feel it's respectful to his feelings, to not put pictures out (with the donor number) for him to see what he's missing out on. I would also hate to have to tell my daughter the donor knows who she is and didn't fight for her! As an adult she will get the concept of using a donor, but with peer pressure (from kids with absentee dads who long for them) and immature emotions as a teen or pre-teen, it could be confusing. I like keeping the energy clear, someday she will have the donor number and can decide all for her self what she wants to do with it. Edited to add here that I even removed my email from the NW sibling registry. Firstly I don't want to know anything about sibling I'm not ready to share with my daughter. Secondly, if another parent shared my email with the donor, I could be located (unless I used a new email for this purpose, but then there would still be the issue of keeping secrets from my daughter.)
This doesn't necessarily apply to the main topic but, some of the comments inspired me to share these thoughts.
I'm glad that his father has been so involved in his life and seems like he has always valued him as his child even if he wasn't sure.
I'm guessing Seren's dad is about your age, but my brother born in '65 had some confusing due date story where my mom was more or less pregnant blah blah blah. He came out as a normal sized baby either a month early or late-- can't recall the details. Things were less set in stone then. But if he's your age, I feel like they had more of a grasp of things....
Just whoa.
Lucky Cycle 14: IVF!! Antagonist Cycle with Lupron Trigger
Anyways, it's just not something I choose to risk. I don't want to be the groundbreaking case for a donor winning parental rights. I totally respect you and others may believe this far too unlikely to be a concern. I've been wanting to share my views, as unpopular as they might be, incase it could help another mother to solidify hers.
Eek! In thinking about this more, child support already has our DNA! I bet I would get a letter in the mail informing me whom the father is and what my child support check is going to be each month, lol! This is not drama I'm willing to invite into my family by sharing the donor number online or privately.
But I think it's great that we have the choice to share or not share (I actually don't share my donor number either, but it's not because I'm worried about donor contact) for any reason that brings all of us the most comfort. I get that you are posting in an effort to help another mom feel more secure, but the fact is that by going through a bank, we already are secure. This is why so many of us used sperm banks instead of known donors. It's even part of the law of Washington state, where NW is located:
A donor is not considered the parent of a child born of assisted reproduction Wash. Rev. Code § 26.26.705
and in my particular state:
"A child conceived through artificial insemination is the legal child of the husband and wife if the husband consents. Utah Code Ann. § 78B-15-702. In all cases, the sperm donor is not treated as the father. Utah Code Ann. § 78B-15-703."
So, donors cannot be liable for child support regardless of a DNA test because of these types of laws. I hope that helps you feel more secure. You definitely made the best choice by using a sperm bank!
Again, I know my concerns are probably goofy sounding, but they are at least one small reason I'm in the super cautious camp. For now at least.
Edited to add, I called child support enforcement and yes a donor can open a case for paternity testing, they don't ask if the man is a donor. I do get a letter in the mail, I would have to get a lawyer. All he needs is my first and last name. I know this doesn't in any way translate into the donor getting rights. I do find it interesting that the law above doesn't forbid a donor from paying child support. Ugh, I don't want to drag this out or argue. And I'm glad others might not think it's not within the realm of possibly for any drama to unfold with an anonymous donor. I do have a different opinion.
I work in child support enforcement (and have for over a decade.) So here's the deal:
Assuming a donor were to somehow obtain the name of a woman who'd gotten pregnant using his swimmers through a bank, if he were to come into our office and submit an application to open a case, we would have to open it and attempt to contact the mother for a genetic test. (Federal regs basically won't let us reject an application for services.) He could even TELL us at the time of application that he's the donor, we'd still have to open the case.
If, however, the mother (who would be the recipient of the child support payments) does not want child support and will not participate voluntarily in the genetic test, our office cannot force her to participate without a court order. So, we would have to file a motion with the court to see if the court will order her to submit to testing. Mother would probably want to file an objection to the motion, with copies of her sperm bank agreement, showing the court what was really going on. (Oh, and this gets even more complex if the donor lives in a different state from mom - we would need to get cooperation from the child support unit and court in mom's state in order to proceed.)
Though all courts are a bit different, it is *highly* unlikely a court would grant the motion. Mom has established that the donor made his contribution with the clear understanding (in writing!) that his donation was anonymous, and after signing documents acknowledging he would make no paternal claim to any children that result; and, she's established that she purchased those swimmers knowing she would not be entitled to any child support or other benefits. Basically the donor is now trying to assert rights that he has waived - AND, since he made his donation anonymously, the fact that he has now violated mother's and child's privacy by obtaining their identity information is probably not going to please the court very much. It might even be viewed as a form of domestic violence, worthy of a restraining order.
This changes, of course, if she used a KD. Though even in that case, if mom can produce notarized donor agreements that were signed prior to conception, the donor's chances of succeeding in establishing paternity of the child are slim to none.
Bottom line is - though child support services is required to help attempt to establish paternity for kids, the program cannot override the law or function outside of a court order. A donor who wants to claim paternity would have to be able to convince a judge or magistrate that they have legal grounds to do so, and purchasing through a bank makes that pretty much impossible unless the laws of that state specifically permit such a thing (and I'm not aware of any states that do.)
That being said, I understand why the possibility (however remote) of having to deal with the hassle (however unsuccessful the donor might be in the end) is enough to make scifimom prefer to just keep the info off the internet. I don't think anybody should panic about the idea that their donor's going to one day be able to show up and demand parenting time, though. And if I'm ever able to get pregnant, I plan to share our donor number pretty freely - I'm completely confident in the laws of our State and have no worries that it would place my family at risk.
Early ovarian failure. 4 failed ICIs, 6 failed IUIs. Donor Egg IVF in Greece: IVF#1 12/2014 - BFP, miscarried at 6WK3D. IVF #2 4/2015 - BFN. IVF#3 7/2015 - BFP. Baby boy Searc born 4/8/16 - 9lbs, 2 oz
TTC Blog
This is describes my concerns perfectly: "It might even be viewed as a form of domestic violence, worthy of a restraining order." I find "donor contact" as a euphemism for this statement.
I want to say again that I have zero problem with how open others are and when to be open. Furthermore, by saying I wanted to help other women by sharing my thoughts here; I meant I want to help other parents not feel awkward if they have similar thoughts or concerns as mine. I did not mean to imply I want to help anyone to have the same views as myself.