how to stop toddler from hitting me

njmomma

It is a relatively new thing here, its been going on for about 2 weeks now. My 2 year old daughter started to hit me, kick me, and she never done that before, and its gets worse and worse every day. She hits me for every little thing, and honestly, if there are 10 minutes without her hitting me, I consider myself lucky. And she hits hard, she smacks my face, my arms, belly, or she kicks me hard with her feet as well, and it is for every little thing, like for example, if she wants one particular fruit, lets say, grapes, but we only have apples, avocados and something else instead, so she would start hitting me nonstop. Or if I tell her its time for me to change her diaper, basically it is for every little thing that she doesn't like. Also changing her diaper became so hard, she kicks me with her feet each time and she kicks hard.
I tried so many things. I tired telling her that she really hurts mommy and she is not supposed to do that. I told her that it is wrong to hit. I would go to another room and tell her that I am upset. Absolutely NOTHING works. She hits me so many times during the day and she hits hard. Honestly, I am so upset and don't know how to stop that, I feel like I am failing at parenting.
I know that toddlers have tantrums and its their way to deal with so many emotions that they can't properly express, but I still think that its wrong for her to allow to hit me (and she is constantly doing it). I don't know what happened to my sweet little girl. By the way, I am the only one that she hits. She still shows me signs of affection after I tell her that she hurts me, but as soon as she hears something that she doesn't like, the hitting and kicking starts again.
Please help with suggestions on how to stop hitting. Thanks.

K&H

How is her language? And her sleep?
Can you offer her more independence? So when she wants grapes but you only have apple or avocado, can you offer her a very dull knife to "cut" them? That way she is distracted by an activity and may forget that she had something else in mind. If diaper changes are so awful, can you help her learn to do it herself? Use the potty, wipe herself, pull up instead of diaper?
Things like that may go a long way toward her feeling more like you're offering her an additional thing rather than just not giving her what she wants, you know?

Shanny

I agree with K&H on offering options to increase her independence and decrease her frustration. A big part of that is thinking one step ahead to see what will cause frustration and working your way around it if possible. There will be times when her disappointment is unavoidable and this is just part of life she is starting to learn. Essentially you are setting your pattern for discipline right now. How do you want to handle discipline in general going forward? These are things to think about now and discuss with other caregivers. Putting her down and finding your stern "mamas not happy voice" to use the same key phrase "we do not hit" (or whatever you chose) is usually pretty effective. If you've avoided the hitting (because you put her down not because you sidestepped a problem) then you can use that time (or later when she's calm) to talk about what she is feeling. You literally have to give her the words. Were you mad we didn't have grapes today? Everyone gets angry but we don't hurt people. I'm sorry you were frustrated that you had to get dressed. And on and on. A year from now when she's able to TELL you "hey I'm mad" it will be because you have given her feelings a name and allowed her to have them. If the moment comes when she handles her frustration better...do the happy dance, have a party and praise her like crazy for doing so!

All that being said, this IS age appropriate boundary testing. But just because something is age appropriate doesn't mean it's ok (usually just the opposite). You aren't failing at parenting, just entering the stage where discipline becomes part of your parenting.

blossom

I am usually just a lurker but this post really resonated with me. I have been an infant toddler teacher for the past 12 years and I have seen this many, many times. One thing that I encourage is giving them something safe to hit or kick. A beanbag chair, couch, pillows, something soft. When she starts to hit/kick, walk her to the safe area, and say " here you can hit the ____" I usually show how I can hit the cushion, then move back to whatever I was previously doing. It may take many trips back to the safe spot, but typically with a little prompting they can start going there when frustrated. I know many people probably don't believe in hitting/kicking at all but it is a developmental milestone and many children physically need to move their bodies when they are mad. Also, having some play time to kick a ball together and really playing up the wow factor, "look at you kick that ball, can you kick it over there? What strong legs you have for kicking balls."

I am all for toddlers standing for diaper changes and helping out as much as they can. Giving her a job, or a special toy/book that is just for diaper time can help some.

As for hitting you in the face set her down and walk away, if it is a safe option. If you must hold onto her, try turning her facing out. I hate to see kids hit their parents, especially on the face. We see it a lot at pick up times. Parents are ready to go home for the day and the child is not ready or a parent stops to talk to another adult and the child knows just how to get their attention.

We play the yes/no game a lot, with behaviors. I tend to use it more for biting but can be modified for hitting/kicking/pinching, etc. "Can we bite an apple? Yes, yes we can! Can we bite Mommy? No, no biting Mommy. Biting hurts!" Be super expressive with your face and nodding or shaking your head. My toddlers love this game and catch on quickly and then I try tricking them with silly things or words that sound like our friends or family. Make it fun and not necessarily right when she just hit you but maybe a few minutes later. My daughter is currently pinching me, mostly when nursing or going to sleep, and her feelings are easily hurt when I put her down because she hurt me with pinching. Once she has calmed we both practice soft touches on each other.

Remember you are her safe Mommy and she is testing to see how much she can get away with. I am also a fan of Dr. Harvey Karp and recommend watching his DVD on The Happiest Toddler on the Block. He is very animated and most adults won't get that goofy but I have gotten some ideas from him.

njmomma

Thank you so much for all the suggestions, ladies!
I think it is definitely the trying to be independent thing and frustration with me not letting her, and not the language, since she has no problem expressing herself and she is able to talk in sentences now.
So I started to give her more independence ( I guess I keep on forgetting that she is not a baby anymore), and I already started to see some results. The hitting didn't stop completely, but it did decrease in frequency. I really hope it is the stage that will pass, and hopefully soon, just like the biting stage when she was a year younger, it stopped.
I am going to try to look into Dr Harvey Karp as well, thank you for the suggestion.