I have to say....

Shanny

This may not be very popular but here goes....

I am SO sick of the term "single mother". I'm just over it. It it almost always used in a negative sense, especially by single mothers themselves. I think if you look up the definition it would actually say "poor, desperate woman in need of help 24/7".

Is it just me? I never really used the term SMBC unless it was really necessary but I'm thinking about using it ALL the time to separate myself from "single mothers".

Again, just me? Rant over.

A&J

Shanny, I'm not a 'single mother' but my sister is and she has shared before that she does not like the looks, comments, or general response she typically gets from others. My sister is a very independent, strong, put-together person and the image that she is alone as in lonely, in need, missing something or someone does not fit her or the family she has created. These are feelings she has shared with me.

sara291

I've always felt awkward with the term single mom. I've often felt uncomfortable with the vibe I get when people know I'm doing this on my own. I often toss in that in a SMBC though that doesn't always help either.

Zen

Yep. I get the same thing. Comments from "you poor thing" to "you must be a saint" when referring to my [soon to be] adopted kids.

My take on this is probably going to be even less popular. When a woman makes the choice to have children, it's HER choice. If there is a partner or spouse involved, so much the better. But I sooooo hate hearing cries of desolation and desperation when the supporting person bails. I get that people make commitments and fall in love with expectations of happily ever after forevermore. But the reality is a 50% divorce rate and/or relationship fail. So in my not-so-humble opinion, when you have kids you need to be happy to have support but accept the responsibility for standing on your own two feet if need be.

I can't tell you how many people are shocked and appalled that I don't have free insurance and WIC and welfare for my kids. And in the school system, the county is actually fighting with me to continue their free lunch enrollment! My older two had this before coming to me. Despite my assertions that it wasn't needed, I could not get them off it last year. The school just would not charge them for lunch! And to make matters funnier, my over-privileged exchange student was considered part of my family and they wouldn't charge him either! This year to stay on this program I have to file forms. And despite 2-3 calls a day requesting them, I aint sending them in! Whoever would have thought I'd have to boycott welfare?!?

MNmommas

Schools get certain funding based on free/reduced lunch enrollments, so I'm not too surprised there. If you want your kids to have school lunch and you qualify for free/reduced, it would be beneficial for your school to have you enrolled.

I do disagree with your take on how a person should/shouldn't react when a partner bails. A SMBC is way different from a single mother who had the situation thrust upon her by a partner bailing. Both women are strong and capable, of course. But a woman in a that situation is not making the choice to have children by herself, she's making it with her partner. With the expectation that the partner will be there to help. If I were single, two children would be my limit. But with my wife, I'd be thrilled to be raising 4, 5, even 6 children. It is hands-down less exhausting to have a partner - a partner who acts like a partner, of course, since obviously that isn't always the case. It's just easier to recharge when there's a 2nd (or 3rd, or 4th, ha!) parent who can jump in... having more adult hands to help out, more financial support, all of that. It's one thing to sign up for being a SMBC, entirely different when you're expecting the extra support that a partner is supposed to bring.

Zen

I don't disagree with the value of a partner - or even any adult to help. I have a sitter from 4-7 Mon-Thurs. She helps with light cleaning, makes dinner for the kids, takes them to karate, and oversees the start of homework. I didn't have her during the summer and single parenting hit hard. So I can see the merits of having a partner. Add in love and sex and companionship and it can be awesome! I just don't like the victim mentality that is associated with being single and going it solo.

Shanny

I just hate the pity, the pleas, and yes the victim mentality. People just by definition now associate those things with the term single mother. Why? Because most single mothers have set it up that way. I have realized since posting this that I actually never refer to myself as a single mother. I will say "it's just Kate and I" and elaborate on the by choice part if asked but I purposely avoid the term single mother because to me it implies SO many other things than simply raising a child on my own!

horton

I wish that "solo parent" would catch on. I never use single mom, for all the reasons listed. We're just in a qualitatively different place than the connotation of the term "single mom" implies. That doesn't mean I think I'm superior or anything of the like it's just that my situation is no more similar to a stereotypical "single mom" than it is to a nuclear family with two parents. Not better, not worse...just qualitatively different.

Regardless of the fact that I never use the term, though, I know that other people still lump me in the "single mom" category and fail to grasp the differences. I hate it too.

sweet sunshine

I have just read online somewhere that some women refer themselves as single mom and generate "poor me. I have to do it all by myself" sympathies when they are in fact not single moms, meaning that they share join custodies and don't have their kid(s) 24-7. Of course they also receive child support etc. I don't mean it negatively but I do find the term misleading. So we are getting thrown into mixed bags. I don't usually like to explain myself so I don't expand on my "single mom" status. But I am always appreciative when someone asked me to elaborate, like how I ended being a single mom... I do find more people are more educated with the variation form of modern families, so some people do ask how I embarked on single motherhood rather than just leave it at face value. I wish there is a way to make it more empowering.

Shanny

^^^^Yes! This exactly. I get that it really sucks to have had a relationship end with someone you have children with but if you are CO parenting then you are not a single parent! You are a parent who is single but not parenting SOLO. OK, now I am just venting....sorry.

blkbrd3

I really like the term "solo parent." I think I'm going to adopt that and use it in the future.

I too dislike people's response to single parent. I've had people apologize to me after I've said I'm single. What's there to apologize for? How did being unmarried or without a co-parent become a tragedy worthy of condolences?

scifimom

I feel the exact. same. way. I don't want to be associated with being a "single mom"! It has so many negative connotations! And it's sooo 1950's! My relationship status has no purpose being superimposed on my momminess. I mean, married moms aren't constantly called "married moms." My relationship status has nothing to do with my family. I am having a great time being a parent and I complain a lot less than coupled parents, it often seems. Yes, I don't like being associated with a term that is so sad and negative in our collective unconscious. My *choosing * this family structure is a whole different reality from the down and out "single mom" status we normally think of it as. I find myself saying "one parent family." I don't know if it's much better but, at least it puts a buffer between my family and the negativity of "single mom."

scifimom

I want to add that I agree about co-parenting/shared-parenting parents being a different thing from "single" mom or dad. I would like to see the whole single term dropped all together. And more relevant terms used. Such as, I'm a co-parent or our family has a co-parent. I'm a solo-parent or one parent family, for smbc or those that do not have a second parent in the picture at all.

njmomma

I like the term "solo parent" much better than single mom.
When people ask me, I prefer to call myself "The Only Parent."

Zen

See, in the example that you just gave I would say hats off to all the competent or committed or multitasking moms [edit: parents!]. Because even in the perfect two-parent home, there are still going to be those times when a parent is flying solo with the kids at the grocery store or restaurant or park or whatever. It's not single parenting or solo parenting or co-parenting or couples-parenting. It's just parenting

But like you said in the end, the thought of doing all that PLUS having to cope with the egos and emotional needs of a partner in addition to the kids would send me right over the edge. I would hate living in the past where women were supposed to be the weaker and subservient sex. But every once in a while ... it would be heaven to have someone take care of ME!