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Talk me down? Or confirm I'm not crazy?
K&H
Posts: 3,368 ✭✭
Today at the playground with the nanny, E pooped in her pants. She has never ever ever ever ever done this, not once, not ever. She has been using the toilet for 2.5 years now.
H and I are both freaking out that we're missing something with the nanny.
Are we nuts? Or would you be freaked out too?
There have been other little things, but truly tiny, like putting the dog outside, contained, and then forgetting he was out there and going to take a nap.. Or explaining things to E in ways that we wouldn't. Truly tiny, but annoying, you know? And just generally being extremely young for her age and not having the amount of common sense we would expect. The bigger thing is that E doesn't love her. She's a kid who loves everyone, even the annoying teens at church or the random guy on the subway. But this nanny? She doesn't love, she'll go out of her way to say "I love you, mommy, but I don't love her". Or she'll ask several times if it's going to be "just the three of us" going somewhere because she doesn't want the nanny to come. Other times she's thrilled to have her around, tho, so we just thought it was normal 4yo contrariness.
She also went through a rough couple of months this summer of hitting and yelling, but we thought it was due to having friends staying with us for a month whose little girl was a big hitter, sneaky naughty, and the nanny clearly favored the other little girl...
Thoughts? Feelings? Gut reaction?
H and I are both freaking out that we're missing something with the nanny.
Are we nuts? Or would you be freaked out too?
There have been other little things, but truly tiny, like putting the dog outside, contained, and then forgetting he was out there and going to take a nap.. Or explaining things to E in ways that we wouldn't. Truly tiny, but annoying, you know? And just generally being extremely young for her age and not having the amount of common sense we would expect. The bigger thing is that E doesn't love her. She's a kid who loves everyone, even the annoying teens at church or the random guy on the subway. But this nanny? She doesn't love, she'll go out of her way to say "I love you, mommy, but I don't love her". Or she'll ask several times if it's going to be "just the three of us" going somewhere because she doesn't want the nanny to come. Other times she's thrilled to have her around, tho, so we just thought it was normal 4yo contrariness.
She also went through a rough couple of months this summer of hitting and yelling, but we thought it was due to having friends staying with us for a month whose little girl was a big hitter, sneaky naughty, and the nanny clearly favored the other little girl...
Thoughts? Feelings? Gut reaction?
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Comments
Honestly? I don't think you're crazy. There's a lot to be said for gut feelings. Where did you find this girl? What made you hire her? H is the same way about liking/loving everyone, so that would hit my gut hard. How long has she been with you?
She's also really only for extras and date night. We don't need to have a nanny, we just have her around 10-15 hrs/wk.
we hired her because she was an alum of our alma mater and came well recommended for work, although not for childcare. We knew she didnt have much kid experience when we hired her, but she really doesn't have much life experience it seems.
I would seriously reconsider your situation. My take comes from years of working with neglected and abused kids, so take that into consideration. But when a kid is that disliking of a caregiver, it is a red flag. An unexpected bowel movement when they are not ill? Red flag. But the kids I work with who have bowel accidents also have a history of sexual trauma/abuse, so that is why I see it the way I do. I am NOT saying this is a factor in your situation, however, if it were me...I would be looking elsewhere stat. Not worth the risk.
DOES NOT LIKE YOUR ELDERLY DOG? Huge red flag. Anyone who ignores an animals' needs in my book is a serious potential culprit for ignoring my childs needs. I would not tolerate it...
My daughter is 2. She has been to several daycares due to work and life changes. And me being proactive with my "gut" feelings. In these transitions, she has not once rejected a caregiver. The one I disliked in particular, she just was not attached to, and the lady was not attached to my daughter either.
Would you hire a plumber to work on your car? Then why hire someone with lacking childcare experience to care for a child. Just some thoughts. I wish you all the best! I hope you find a caregiver who adores your child and vice versa! That's ideal anyway, and those people are out there for sure. My daughter loves her daycare...loves her teachers...and they love her too, it shows in how excited they are after they settle in to go to see their teachers.
But maybe she's just not a good fit for your family, and that's ok. If you truly aren't comfortable with her, and E really doesn't like her, then why not at least put some feelers out for someone else?
I am a huge believer in mommy instincts so I would go with your gut on this one. Nothing you are saying is huge each within itself, but if she rubs you the wrong way then there is a reason. Every kid will have an accident at some point but if you not just shrugging it off as nothing then it very well might be something. A person that takes care of your children, pets, house, plants or whatever should treat them like their own and like you want them to be treated. I would think that E values the time it is just her and her moms the most so she will make it clear she loves you the most, but could there be other reasons she isn't a big fan of the nanny? Absolutely.
I think it would be pretty east to let her know you don't need her services anymore since she is so part time anyway and you don't really owe her any other explanation.
Also, have you asked E why she doesn't love the nanny or something to that effect?
I would use words and questions like:
"You know, I miss you so much when I'm not there to do fun things like go to the playground with you! When ms. nanny takes you to the playground, what does she do? Does she swing on the swings? You know the other day when you had that little accident, was ms. nanny right next to you? Was she standing far away? Accidents happen, and its ok! When you told ms. nanny you had an accident what did she say? what did you say? then what did she say? I was just curious...you know we love you so very much! I want you to be able to tell us everything that happens anytime! We don't keep secrets in this family because we love each other so very much! And if any adult ever asks you to keep a secret, its important that you tell us right away, because we need to know. Unless it's a birthday present secret, those are ok.... etc"
I would keep it an upbeat cozy conversation at a time where everyone is really relaxed (dinner, bedtime, etc). I understand your desire to want to know or question it in general given that it is unusual behavior for your child. If my daughter suddenly started regressing in something that she had previously totally mastered, I would question everything about the situation to try and determine if there is something that can be done to help her be more comfortable in the future. Never hurts to have a conversation!
TTC No. 2 since Aug. 2014; IVF #1 - Cxld; IVF #2 - BFN
Don't tell my pets, but it's possible I love my son even more than my dogs.
I would want my child to be as interested in spending time with a childcare provider as my dogs are with their sitter. I would want my son to be excited for their upcoming adventures and be filled with stories of what they did when I got home.
Perhaps this doesn't sound realistic but my son is excited when we go to work Monday through Thursday. He sees people he loves and who love him. For example it really looks like he's telling stories about his weekend on Monday when he sings to the Office and Client Services Manger. Unless he's feeling poorly, he sings to her for at least 10 minutes before he's willing to check out his toys or say hello to a new person.
Gut reaction is huge red flag. Makes my tummy hurt just reading it. But all I can draw from is my own vague experience of being a kid, not having one.
But I was a part-time nanny (like you describe) for several families over the course of about 10 years through my undergrad, my master's program, and several school breaks. I would have continued to do the work through my doctoral program but the times did not work out with my practicums.
All the kids I have worked with have loved me and had days where they were mad at me (we left the park or I wouldn't let them paint the cat, whatever the case was). They were always really excited to see their parents though too and would treasure alone time with them. One family I worked with, the parents worked at home most of the time while I was there. The child would, at times, want to go in the parents room and hang out with them, instead of doing whatever activity we were doing. This is the same little girl loved me, would ask about me when I wasn't there, snuggled with me for hours on rainy days, had a hard time when I moved away, will ask to go see me in another state, and I still face time with her and her parents even though I haven't been her nanny in 4 years. So, I wouldn't be too concerned that she loves her parents more. It is a great thing. I would be concerned if she was freaking out when you left (crying, saying don't leave me, getting mad at you for leaving) or seemed really unhappy before and after care.
I am also pretty sure that there were things that I do/did that annoyed all the parents I worked for
The animal thing is tough though because I love most animals (birds are the exception, I am terrified of them, but I have bird sat a few times for a dear friend and even handled the animal). Is she an animal person? One family I worked for found a cat when I was there. The dad still blames me for them keeping the cat after they couldn't find the owners. Anytime something happens to the cat (it goes to the vet, they spend a bunch of money, or it brings a dead animal to the front door) he will text me a picture and say, "this is all your fault."
I wish your family peace in this situation, I hope you get your answers soon.
TTC #2: since June 2016...
Honestly, the dog issue with your nanny hits harder than the E issues. I could be biased because in Florida leaving a dog outside could be hazardous due to the heat index. But ... forgetting about someone in your care? I don't think so!
And, just to be fair, it's not that she's mean to the dog, just not warm at all. You know?
You don't have to be warm to animals to be warm to children, I think that goes without saying. Mean, is obviously different.
If I started leaving Kate with someone more than an occasional babysitting night she would start to rebel against that person as well. A couple of weeks ago we had a total anomaly. I went out 3 times within 10 days. That has never happened in her life so by the 3rd time when I said Ms Autumn was coming (who Kate loves, she was her assistant guide at school for the last 3 years), she started to cry and say she didn't want her to, didn't want me to go out etc. No red flag, just a child who is used to being with me all the time and while an occasional babysitter is a treat, this was just too much for her. I suspect this may be part of what is going on with E.
Why is she napping at work???
As far as the way she explains things to E you really need to talk to her about things as they come up or bigger issue even beforehand. Examples - "we don't use Santa as a bribe (or do Santa at all as is our case). "we don't use baby words for anatomy, we say penis, vulva etc". If E asks you about God, please refer her back to us and let us know she has asked you. "don't say things like 'I am fat' in front of E" and on and on.
If the sitter/nanny is consistently forgetting to let the dog in, I would be concerned she's smoking weed or taking other meds that could interfere with her work. I would want drug testing in the contract. And I wouldn't like it if my kid made a point of not "loving" or liking the caregiver. You are paying for a job well done, it sounds like this nanny isn't a good fit for your daughter.
It's not perfect, but it works, for the most part.
I think for now we're going to keep an eye on things and pay close attention. We had talked about an end date of the end of the year, so we'll see how things feel as we settle into fall (and H's new job and E's new school)... There are so many new things that we don't want to just scapegoat the nanny.
I hope that this is just a blip in an otherwise uneventful year, but I understand your concern.
(Also, as an aside, was a nanny who does not like big dogs. Had a family I had worked with for years buy a huge dog. Really resented it. Because I was afraid of it. It's care, as a puppy, was left to me as I was with the kids the majority of each day working 50+ hours. But that's a very different scenario. But no, I wouldn't say I was "warm" and that was a puppy. But good golly did I love those kids and still do. I just saw them when we went north this summer. All three of em went to Harvard. Likely my influence.)
Lucky Cycle 14: IVF!! Antagonist Cycle with Lupron Trigger