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Our kid is the bad kid in his class.
EMG_REL
Posts: 2,379
H started preschool last week. It's Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday from 9-12, with Wednesdays being extended to 2:15 for a STEM class because he loves science. Yesterday, the head teacher in his classroom told us that he's been having a difficult time adjusting. She said they didn't tell us last week because they wanted to see if he'd improve after the first week of experiencing something so new. He's not listening to directions, saying mean things, wandering off, and so on. Last year, he attended our local high school's preschool program that was Monday through Thursday from 9:30 to 10:30, and he had a wonderful experience there. However, he had one-on-one attention there because there were twenty high school students in the room with the 15 kids. His current class has 20 kids with three teachers. For every other portion of his life, he has been the center of attention. R's parents have watched him on Monday-Thursday during the school year while we're teaching, and my mom has him on Fridays. He is excessively verbal, independent, and full of personality. Today, his teacher told us that he was worse than ever; he hit two kids and hit two teachers, he pounded on the snack table until he had to be put into a time out, and some other things. When she talked to us yesterday, we talked to him at home and told him that it's so important to listen to his teachers and that if we got another bad report, we'd take away his Legos, which he loves. Well, we got another bad report today, so the first thing we did when we got home is pack up his Legos.
The problem is that he seems to enjoy the negative attention because it is just that--attention. He smiles when we're upset and only seems to be slightly remorseful afterward.
So here are our thoughts. He did very well with sticker charts when potty training, so we're considering setting up a chart for good behaviors. What do you think the best way to do that would be? A smiley/frown for each day with frowns equating to the loss of a toy/privilege and smiles equating to earning something back? Or smiles earning something new and exciting? Or more specific than just a face but a checklist of specific behaviors? How involved can we ask his preschool teachers to be? We're at work during the day, so R's dad, who is hard of hearing, drops him off and picks him up. Sometimes messages get lost in translation. Is it too much to ask them to email us daily? Like I said, we are both teachers and totally get the time constraints, but we each have nearly 150 kids. Is it reasonable to ask someone with 20 kids to keep in contact daily?
They're not pulling any other parents aside to talk to them about their kids. He's THAT kid in the class, and we're devastated. The preschool is run by our church and is reputable and respected in our area, and the head teacher (who is really awesome and experienced) said that they'll give him a month, and then it was implied that he would essentially be kicked out. Our kid would be kicked out of preschool, for God's sake. He can be difficult to handle at home, but we thought for sure he'd be better behaved in a school setting. Help please.
The problem is that he seems to enjoy the negative attention because it is just that--attention. He smiles when we're upset and only seems to be slightly remorseful afterward.
So here are our thoughts. He did very well with sticker charts when potty training, so we're considering setting up a chart for good behaviors. What do you think the best way to do that would be? A smiley/frown for each day with frowns equating to the loss of a toy/privilege and smiles equating to earning something back? Or smiles earning something new and exciting? Or more specific than just a face but a checklist of specific behaviors? How involved can we ask his preschool teachers to be? We're at work during the day, so R's dad, who is hard of hearing, drops him off and picks him up. Sometimes messages get lost in translation. Is it too much to ask them to email us daily? Like I said, we are both teachers and totally get the time constraints, but we each have nearly 150 kids. Is it reasonable to ask someone with 20 kids to keep in contact daily?
They're not pulling any other parents aside to talk to them about their kids. He's THAT kid in the class, and we're devastated. The preschool is run by our church and is reputable and respected in our area, and the head teacher (who is really awesome and experienced) said that they'll give him a month, and then it was implied that he would essentially be kicked out. Our kid would be kicked out of preschool, for God's sake. He can be difficult to handle at home, but we thought for sure he'd be better behaved in a school setting. Help please.
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My daughter started preschool this year also, she is only 2 and the youngest in her class. I switched her from a daycare to a preschool because several friends recommended the program, and ironically it is cheaper. Since she has been in daycare since she was a baby, the transition was not that big of a deal. BUT she had issues a couple weeks ago for some reason, and in one day they said she was in time out 4 times. I believe they did everything they could, as I was having strange behavioral issues at home as well (pulling hair, not listening at times when she could have gotten hurt, throwing food, climbing on furniture, etc). Since she is only 2, explaining things did not make much of a difference, nor did incentives or consequences. I just started putting her to bed half an hour earlier instead. Not sure if that is what helped, or if she was just "off" for a few days, but the problems have greatly improved, and are mostly resolved (although climbing on furniture was an issue today, she did listen when I told her to get down...eventually).
My only other suggestion might be for the teachers to give him more responsibilities in the classroom...maybe a few tasks he is "in charge" of and can "help" others do. This might help him feel more connected and involved...sometimes kids act out if they are not challenged in the right way, and your little guy sounds like a sharp kiddo!
On the other hand, I remember what it's like to just want your oldest to be settled and in a routine by the time baby comes around. 3.5 years, plus new baby was not my favorite life experience...not to be repeated.
You are teachers, so you already know what to do to address the behaviors. Just be consistent. It's so hard though. Especially when they "enjoy" your anger/disappointment. Try to remain neutral. It really is just a phase.
1. It did occur to me that the baby's impending arrival could have something to do with it, but I think his birth is still far away enough that it's not at the forefront of any of our minds because we're so busy. He does talk about how my belly is getting bigger, and he does talk about being a big brother, but he seems excited about it. Definitely possible, though.
2. He is most certainly not being academically challenged at this place. It is play based. At the last place with the high school kids, he rotated through academic stations (tracing his name, matching numbers, etc.), and he loves that kind of stuff. We work with him at home on those things, and it's quite possible that he's bored at this school.
3. You bet I'm hoping he's settled in a good routine before the baby comes. I'm not sure that's how life works, though, right? Dang, this parenting thing is hard. He was an easy baby, so we were spoiled. Maybe B will be easy, too, haha.
At home I'd try a lot of positive reinforcement. Like in the morning, say "we'll be so proud if you get a good report today" and then reward good behavior with a small treat or extra hugs and kisses. When he has bad days, try to find something good in the day and praise that. Maybe he'll start to work toward getting positive attention.
If not, relax. THAT kid who needs time to adjust to social settings is getting exactly what he needs. With any luck, in a month the teachers will have adjusted and learned to roll with it too!
I'm sorry, K. It really is an awful feeling when you get the sense that someone clearly does not love your child. It's hard not to feel the rejection for the little person you love so much. I hope E starts to get into a groove soon, too. I guess we really do have to take it one day at a time!
One of my daughters has had a very hard time adjusting every year, at different times in the year depending on the reaction of her teacher(s). She missed me all the time, and had some issues from age 3 to now, at 6 years old. She is anxious and seems to go from zero to off the charts in seconds. There are very subtle signs, but teachers can't always notice them because there are many kids who need their attention. We had principal and school counselor intervention at least twice a week for the first few weeks of school this year, and I was terrified that my child would be the "bad kid" (no kids are bad, but you know how others think of things...) and that she would alienate her classmates. She only had one or two friends, and the others actively avoided her. She hurt kids and lashed out at her teacher. She wandered between groups on the playground instead of being welcomed in any group. She played alone with sticks, and it made me cry.
But then she got used to first grade, and things are going so, so much better now. Your boy is only 3 years old, and if they can't be patient while he figures out that he is in a safe place full of people who care for him, then they aren't the right care providers for him anyway. It breaks my heart to think of him lashing out, especially at the teacher, because it hits so close to home with my experience with my own child.
Just love him. It's all you can do. I really get how hard it is, though. I get it so much. Hang in there.
He wouldn't even get dressed or brush his teeth without a fight this morning. He is just so ridiculously stubborn sometimes. But thinking about how this teacher seems to be out to get my baby literally makes me cry. You're also right that it really could just be the wrong setting for him. We're going to meet with the director and choose what's best from there.
I hope you get a good response from the school and they are willing to work with you to find ways to make school a happy place for your child - that will make all the difference in all of your lives right now!
All in all, we feel better already. Even Tuesday's incident happened at the very end of the day, after hours of cooperation, and I have to be honest that I don't blame him for getting frustrated when he did; we just need to work on the appropriate ways to express that frustration. He has a big personality just like both of his moms, and he's never been "just another face in the crowd" before. He needs time to learn patience, sharing, empathy, and all that good stuff.
Now, if his moms could just calm down and not lose sleep over every little thing, that would be great.
There's different kinds of anxiety as well, and it helps to identify which kind(s) your kids have so you know how to deal with it (specific fears, separation anxiety, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, OCD, panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder). There's a book my school's psychologist recommended called Helping Your Anxious Child by Ronald Rapee and others. I bought it off half.com for under $3, plus $3 s/h.