Listening/Consequences

mausandlodie

Hi guys,

Checking in for a little advice. Henry had a period of months where we almost never had to give him a time out or message any other consequence, which was great - that period is over in a big way. Over the past couple of months, he's moved to a place where he's not listening at all, exhibiting openly defiant behavior ("I don't want to so I'm not going to," "you can't tell me what to do," etc). We have been consistently responding with the same consequences - time out, loss of iPad privileges for the next day (he gets 15 minutes while we get ready in the morning). This is no longer having the effect I'm looking for. Twice in the past week, I've told him that I'm feeling frustrated by his behavior and he has laughed in my face (I sent him to his room).

I don't know what has brought this on - it started a while before he moved into his new classroom, he loves his new teacher, he's at the same school with the same friends - I don't get it. My wife and I have talked and talked about possible motivations for his behavior/strategies for handling it, and we are not coming up with much. Suggestions are welcome - I think all of us are getting worn out!

EMG_REL

Oh, I'm sorry. I definitely relate. I honestly think the solution is different for every kid. It's hard for me personally to relate to my own kid because I had a lot of intrinsic motivation to be "good", at least before adolescence, and he just doesn't always feel that way. Anyway, sticker charts work wonders in our house, for now. I'm sure he will change as he gets older. I hope you get some good suggestions. Hugs!

K&H

Can't totally remember how old Henry is, but this article totally helped is when E was having some pretty strong issues this summer.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/4-year-old-is-a-bully-help

We find the more time outs and consequences we give, the worse child we see.

mausandlodie

Thanks. I should probably add that we ignore what we can of his behavior (open defiance does not get a pass in our house) and offer lots of positive reinforcement for good behavior. This is mostly just verbal praise and hugs, kisses etc. haven't tried anything like a sticker chart for him - I never thought about it. Do people find that they work? EMG - how does it work for you guys?

mausandlodie

Oh - k&h, he'll be 5 at the beginning of December. Thanks for the link - will definitely check it out.

mausandlodie

Ok I read it - can you tell I'm desperate? The part about limits va time outs makes so much sense. I'm going to ask Liz to read it too - thanks!

When I say we ignore behaviors, I mean things like repeating the same word or phrase over and over or talking like a baby - he knows those things drive us crazy, and if he gets a reaction he will continue indefinitely

Zen

Shiloh is 6 and has entered a new phase saying "I can do whatever I want" and talking or making sounds to keep attention on her. I halt the first whenever I hear it. I'm sure she is hearing this from other kids (and fully expect "you can't make me" to follow). Sometimes I correct her statement by saying there are things she is permitted to do and others she she can't. Other times I just give her "the look" and she'll giggle and take it back.

She gets jealous when I talk to her siblings so she will try to talk constantly or sing or make sounds -- anything to keep my focus on her. I tell her I love talking to her and want to hear what she has to say. However, if she is just making sounds to make noise, then I don't want to hear it. I have also found that holding up my hand in a "stop" motion when she interrupts is effective. Sometimes she'll sulk but usually she bounces right back as soon as it's her turn to talk again!

EMG_REL

Honestly, we're also at a loss most times. He didn't get a sticker today because he spit in his teacher's face when the class was told to leave the playground. She said he was great for the other two hours and fifty minutes. I don't even know how he would even think to spit at her. I know the article is about four-year-olds, but I'll also be reading it.

K&H

Emg, the article is about 4yo, but the website has GREAT stuff for any age. As a psychologist I generally cringe (partly in superiority, partly in jealousy) when psychologists have websites, "consult" for a fee, etc... But I actually really love 95% of what she says and I'm glad she has the website.

mausandlodie

Babybaby - what is it with the sneaky attack from behind? Henry recently got in trouble at school for shooting out of nowhere and whacking his friend on the back with a plastic rake. It was very out of character for him - he explained that he was just pretending to be a monster and got a little carried away. Hoping he won't do it again, since he really didn't enjoy his teacher's response (he had to take a break from the playground and sit quietly).

Reading the article that k&h posted has helped me to see how much of his anger is really about frustration/wanting control. I'm trying to frame any conversation I have with him in a way that allows him to acknowledge his own agency instead of taking away power - ie "you chose to throw the toy across the room. Because you chose to do that, we won't be able to play with it for a little while." Hopefully it will help - he is and always has been a bit of a control freak ;/