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Wicked Stepmother

alcd39alcd39 Posts: 143
edited November -1 in Parenting and Life
Any blended families out there? I need some advice! My dw and I are currently tcc but not if my stepsons have anything to say about it. One of my stepsons in 11 and all but refuses to speak to me. This morning he left the house first and said goodbye to everyone but me. My other stepson in 5 and he likes me most of the times but would much rather have his real mommy. It breaks my heart. I feel like I try so hard but dont know if they will ever like me or want me around. I feel like an outsider in my own home. When my dw and I do get pregnant and welcome the new baby into our family will my stepsons treat the new baby like an outsider or will they welcome the baby in and treat his just like a sibling?

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    syoung0204syoung0204 Posts: 504
    edited November -1
    I don't have experience being a step-parent but I have experience having a step-parent. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do. I think it will just take time. When the kids realize you aren't going anywhere, that they can count on you and when they actually get to know you as a person, they'll warm up. Don't be afraid to have a real conversation and let them know this isn't easy for you either. Anyway, that's my advice. It may be good or may be bad, I don't really know.

    Good luck in all of it! Sounds like a tough job and I wish you the best.
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    K&HK&H Posts: 3,368 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    How long have you been together? Honestly, this sounds like se thing your DW needs to fix. Not without your help, of course, but she needs to lead the campaign. She needs to communicate with her sons and let them know that their behavior is not ok. Their feelings are ok, but their behavior is not.
    I would very much recommend some family therapy now, before getting pregnant and adding a baby to this. 11yos are old enough to know better. And old enough to be really really stubborn.
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    ShannyShanny Posts: 2,456
    edited November -1
    ^this.

    I've been a step child and there is no way my father would have let me treat his wife that way. I didn't have to be her bff but I had to respect her and be courteous.
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    jones.mom02jones.mom02 Posts: 295 ✭
    edited September 2014
    Hi, I have a step dad, I was 9 when my mom met him and then 12 when they married. I developed a good relationship with him and consider him as my real dad by the age of 14 till now at 28. These factors played part of it:

    - My real dad was not a father figure, barely in my life.
    - My step dad would sit and do things with me, take me out for lunch. Just us 2 so we formed a bond.
    - My mom was open with me, letting me know about the relationship as it grew to new stages. This is important, because if one day you seem like moms friend, then next thing you are married and now my parent. It can be taken by surprised and could feel left out or confused by the relationship. Even if it took years till you married. Sometimes kids at that age are so innocent and they only knew you as a friend. Then suddenly surprised by the new role.

    My point is, did any of those factors play in? How long have you known the kids? Did they know your role from the beginning of the relationship, smooth transition to married living in the same house?

    Other than your wife, how is their relationship with the other parent? If there is a relationship? If so, that could be really difficult for many reasons. Such as still feeling broken that parents are separated. Or that you are replacing the other parent.

    Lastly, are they comfortable with a gay family? Or is this new for them? Or perhaps they are teased in school about it? :-( ... I worry that my future kids might face trouble and resent me or dw. Biological or not, it could happen. Hoping to be able to bring them up in a gay friendly social environment on top of talking about the different types of families all around us in this world. And letting them be open to discuss their feelings so it can be talked about.

    I also agree with the others, I would hope dw has them respect you. And she could help talk to the about what they are feeling regarding anything.

    As for the new baby, because they are kids of a family that has changed already, I think talking to the kids adding a new baby before you're pregnant is best for acceptance of new sibling. Let them know and have them involved. Since its their family too, its nice to be part of the new changes, especially when their family has changed so much already.

    All of those factors play in :-)
    Celebrating 10 years together with 2 precious babies.
    Born: Jan, 2016 Home 2 IUI, partner carried
    Born: Nov, 2016 Home 1 ICI, I carried
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