One of the hardest things

Shanny

Something you don't think of when you are weighing what will likely be difficult situations when you are the only parent of an older child: being able to discuss important things with other adults without your child being near by.

This week I got a call from the head of Kate's school. She and her BFF at school are going through a rough patch so she called me to discuss. At the end if the conversation she said that Kate's teacher was going to call me herself but the director knew that wouldn't be a good idea since Kate would be around while I had that conversation.

Yesterday Kate's school was closed due to power being out all over Dallas including her school. So she was at work with me when I got a call from my mother that her brother had died. He hung himself. The whole night was spent trying to find a place away from her to talk on the phone to family. But obviously she knew something was wrong and just kept following me around . We won't travel back to NY because my mom doesn't want her to be around all the sadness. Obviously if I had a spouse I would have the option to leave her home and be with my mom for a few days.

Anyway, it's just really struck me this week that there is never really time for delicate adult conversation when an almost 6 year old is glued to your hip. Not something you really think about until it is upon you.

scorpiogrl7

I'm sorry about your uncle, and I'm sorry being a single parent makes this more difficult for you. Do you have a family member she could stay with while you attend the funeral? Or maybe you two could take a trip up there after everyone else has gone and then you could have quieter times for her?

I don't know. Just some ideas. I suck at advice and I really just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Shanny

Thank you Scorpio. We have a trip planned for Thanksgiving/Kate's 6th birthday so I will see everyone then. I'm still debating going for the service. They haven't scheduled that yet. If I go Kate can stay with someone else in my family for those times. I'm just not sure what to do. I was trying yo talk to my dad again this morning and it's like Kate's just has radar. Our house is big enough that it shouldn't be that hard but she's like a dog that sees you packing and starts to panic . Sweet thing.

aplusa

I'm sorry to hear of this loss to your family. I'm sure it's an incredibly difficult time for you -- and even harder to process while not being able to process.

I'm growing more and more aware of my niece, who is just five. We can't even spell anymore as she's sounding out words. Poor Kate! She knows something is up and she just wants to be there for you. Send her over here. I bet she'd make an excellent baby sitter for the boys.

Whatever you decide, your family will be glad to be together -- sooner or later.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

K&H

Can you put her in a bubble bath and get some time just on the other side of the door? That's usually good for at least 20 min for us.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Shanny

That's a good idea K&H. She doesn't usually take baths anymore but I might try that tomorrow so I can call my mom.

Initially I told her he was sick and I was trying to get us tickets to go home. Then when my mom said not to come I told her he had already passed. Now she'll say things like "are you STILL sad?" "Well how long are you going to be sad for?" I'm doing well most of the time, save for when I'm on the phone. Sigh.

I just don't want her to hear certain words. Ever really. But definitely not at 5.

MNmommas

No advice, just wanted to give my condolences to you & your family, Shanny. So sorry for your loss, and I hope you're able to find some tricks that work so you can have the private conversations that you need to have.

Shanny

Thank you for the condolences. You are right Babybaby - I've never dealt with suicide, it's a whole new level to dealing with the loss of a loved one. My sister has been one of the people I've been on the phone with a lot just talking things through. Her daughter was at her dad's house this weekend. We were going to get together tonight as I had a babysitter lined up to go up an event but I just decided to stay home. We did each other's nails and watched baseball. . You are also right about the spelling thing, that ship has sailed! When I called my dad I had to say "he did what a Robin Williams did". It was awkward but he got the point and she didn't have to hear anything I didn't want her to. I said he was sick and was surprised she left it at that. She knows what cancer is do I expected her to ask "was it cancer?" But she hasn't. It's also hard because she met him last month so she knows he wasn't an old man. And up until now (as anyone with a 5 year old can tell you) she was really concerned about death so concluded that people die around 100. I haven't made much effort to correct her. Clearly that facade will crumble in the coming years.

EMG_REL

I was also going to suggest bath time. It's one of the only independent things that happen in our house.

Yes, suicide is a whole different kind of grief. I'm very sorry that you and your family are going through this. I hope you get to have some closure (whatever that actually means...I'm not sure I believe in that anymore, just giving yourself time to heal).

old mama

I understand. Even just trying to have a conversation on the phone is almost impossible. I have tried laying down the law and talking about privacy and wanting to spend a few minutes talking with a friend/relative the rare times they call. I have several children and they can be in their own rooms doing their own things but the moment the phone rings they have something very important that needs your attention...or their favorite thing the moment I sit down on a toilet or get in the tub. Even my adult children who live at home do that to me. I am sorry about your uncle. That would be tough for a little girl to understand.

K&H

I think if she has an idea about different kinds of doctors then you can talk about different kinds of sickness. We talk a lot about different kinds of doctors and E knows that there are doctors for babies and doctors for backs and that mommy is a doctor for feelings and thoughts. If she has a good sense of this then you can say how your uncle was sick in his thoughts and feelings and that sometimes even those kinds of sicknesses can get so bad that people die from them.
If, and this is not likely, she gets some understanding of the choice he made, then you can go deeper and talk about sickness making it too hard to make good choices and causing too much pain that medicine couldn't help anymore (assuming this fits his situation). It's likely that she'll have more interest in how a young body could die than she will have in the actual moment of death.
I hope that you are able to be with family, whether it's now or next month, coming together when these things happen can be very healing. Our thoughts are with you.

Shanny

Thanks K&H. She has completely dropped it at "he was very sick and he died". I'm surprised but totally ok with it. I think we won't go home for services and will just see everyone for Thanksgiving. I'd really like to see my cousin but I'm not sure if she will still be there or if she will finish out her contract and go back to Abu Dhabi after the services. I just keep going back and forth on what to do.

Jen727BF

I am so sorry for your loss. Many hugs.

Patienceisavirtue

So sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you find some peace and time to connect with loved ones.

blkbrd3

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you have healing time with your family soon.

Zen

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's not ideal but what I do when I need to talk to my older kids without the little one around is send her to my room to watch TV. And when I need to have a private conversation without any little/big ears, I step outside the front door or sit in the car.

I know well the feeling of being torn and needing to be in too many places at once. My oldest landed herself in ER last week due to some poor choices. At 8pm I had to deal with the little one sobbing as I left her with the 13 year old and ran out the door. Then had to leave the 16 year old alone in ER at 2am because the younger two could not stay alone all night. And bounced back and forth for two days like this.

The good news in single parenting is that these situations are fleeting. They suck the life out of you while they're occurring and leave you feeling like a zombie going through the motions of your own life. But eventually things do return to normal. Hope you can get through this one and find some time for regeneration!