Grandma has a favorite (and it isn't my kid)

mausandlodie

Just got back from holidays with my family and could use some advice. My sis has two kids who are almost exactly the same age as our two (within a month in both cases). My mom has a close relationship with my older nephew, but doesn't seem to like Henry at all and treats him totally differently. It makes me so angry. Last time she visited our house, she acted like a child aboutthe fact that he wasn't all over her - I explained that he is a bit reserved, that we don't ask him to hug or kiss anyone, ever - he's allowed to choose -and that she should back off a little and wait for him to come to her (she wouldn't get out of his face, and he hates that). She was offended and rude to him when she left. She apologized later, but I was still nervous about joining them for the holiday - went for it anyway because they live in the smart town as my sister's family and we spent most of our time there.

Her behavior over the holiday was childish and insane. She talked constantly about how she gives my nephew chocolate every time he visits her, but when Henry asked for a piece from the open bag on the table that she was snacking from, she told him in an icy tone that it was just for grow ups. On Christmas Day. Really? I took her ion a room where he was playing with some Dinosaurs and snuck out so they could have some time to bond - a few minutes later he emerged tearful because he had been left all alone - mom said he had "gotten very nasty" - I saw her a few minutes later shrieking with laughter and trading potty words with my nephew. I don't love that behavior at all, but I would like her to treat the kids with the same level of love and enthusiasm.

I told her calmly that I thought she wasn't offering them the same level of affection, and she responded with, "well I don't get the same thing from them - not by a long shot." I got less calm at this point and won't rehash the family drama for you here. It ended with her apologizing and telling me I was right, but I think I'm going to need some coping strategies for me and my son moving forward, because she is and always has been a drama-loving game player. Anyone else been through something similar? I'd love your thoughts on how to deal without losing it!

Ok that was really long - thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Shanny

That is so similar to our situation it is almost creepy!

My brothers little girl is 5 weeks older than Kate. My mother has a way too close, like a third parent (though maybe second or first is actually more accurate) relationship with my niece. My whole family lives in the same town, except my younger sister and niece who live here with us. The other side of it is that my Dad and step mom are really close to my youngest sisters kids (step sister so obviously the closest with her bio mom). They just aren't a-holes about it like my mom is. She brought my niece here for a couple of her annual visits. That didn't go well so she stopped coming. I didn't used to go "home" to visit but my Dad just recently moved back so now we do and Kate absolutely loves it.

Does that mean I have figured anything out or have any words or wisdom? Not so much. Well actually, after going to visit twice within a couple of months (and you know the issues with my mom go much deeper of course) I have actually decided to pretty much give up. I'm not going to change her, she never gets it regardless of how nice, nasty or anything in between I am. I am done reaching out to her and generally making any attempt at seeing her when we go home. This might sound crazy, but I genuinely believe she doesn't like me (I know she loves me) but it is painful to get through lunch with her and I'm just done. I genuinely don't like her either, the difference being that she is letting her feelings towards me affect how she feels about Kate.

There are years of therapy here obviously and I don't know if your situation runs that deep but for me it's just not worth it.

Ironically, she is doing the exact same thing her mother did with her and her brother.

Sorry this was so long and unhelpful...can open, worms everywhere

blkbrd3

It's sad that Henry's grandmother has no idea of how special and wonderful he is.

My brother is one of grandmother's two favorite grandchildren. In many ways I'm her least favorite. Somehow very early in life I realized that I loved her, she loved me to the best of her ability, and... the fact that she's a crazy jerk was not my problem. I suspect that perspective is pretty rare in young children. If this isn't how Henry will likely approach the situation, then I would distance myself and Henry from crazy manipulative Grandma. He doesn't need a significant relationship like that.

This is just my two poorly informed cents.

MNmommas

What a rotten situation! Solidarity, sister. I empathize, we have some similar family dynamics, played out in different ways, with both my parents and DW's parents. We also, btw, do not in any way force our kids to "give grandma a hug!" or bribe/guilt/cajole physical affection of any sort, and both sets of grandparents think we are awful for that. Tickling without active consent is also non-negotiable for us and a source of friction with the extended family.

I won't get any further into it on here, except to say that what you wrote resonated on many levels. Our strategy has been to advocate for our kids/family from the beginning by laying our cards out on the table as far as what we would not allow (ie playing favorites, force-feeding gender/sexuality stereotypes ("What a strong, handsome little man you are! You're going to charm all the ladies, aren't you?" "Give me a smile, beautiful girl! Look at your pretty curls! Your moms are going to have their hands full with those boys chasing after you!" etc).

We have actually needed to limit exposure for awhile in some instances, in order to act in our kids' best interests, and we're very honest with the grandparents about it all. It has lead to difficult but productive heart-to-heart conversations, and there have been real, concrete improvements. I guess I'd say we're all an ongoing work-in-progress.

The only advice I have is to keep being there for Henry. If you feel like you're going to lose it, take your kids and go, go do something special/fun together away from the family drama. In the end, you can't control anyone but yourself, so if what they're doing is unacceptable/unhealthy, let your feet do the talking.

Hugs & best wishes!

Patienceisavirtue

I can relate to this post in many ways. Growing up, my grandmother favored my aunt and uncles over my mom. This meant that she also favored their children and was not particularly fond of my mom's kids. My grandmother would spend time with my cousins, invite them to outings, go over to their house for dinner, and offer to babysit when my aunt or uncle had things to do.

I was never invited to any of these outings and rarely spent time with my grandma. When I did see her, she would ask things like, "Why can't you be more like your cousin," "Isn't your cousin so cute?," "Your cousin is so pretty, why can't you look like her?" Similarly, on my 8th birthday, my entire family was invited to my birthday party. My grandmother dropped a gift for me on my porch and left. She did not knock on the door, stay for the birthday, call, or anything. It was bizarre and I remember being very confused as to why she would leave a gift on the porch and not want to come in for cake and ice-cream. When I had the chicken pox, my grandma watched me for a week and my mom had to pay her for her services. Conversely, my aunt took a week long vacation and my grandma watched her kids for free.

As a child, I was often hurt, felt rejected, and wondered why I wasn't good enough for my grandmother's affection. As an adult, I have come to terms with the fact that it was really the issue between her and my mom that created the tension but it didn't make it hurt any less. I also did not have a mom who would stand up for us, explain what was happening, or do anything to clear the confusion/make me feel better. She was pretty wrapped up in the hurt from her own mother, which did not really allow for her to be there for me.

Now, as I am about to become a parent, I see the favoritism from my MIL. My SIL had the first grandchild 10 years ago and she is very much favored over my SIL's step-child and new baby. My MIL barely wants anything to do with my child and did not even want to purchase us anything for the baby shower. (Not that she has to or was expected to, but she kept saying, "I don't think you need that I am not getting that for you. I don't want to get you that stuff" (She asked what we wanted and we said the rocking chair). She did end up buying us a car seat and stroller, which is awesome and we are so grateful. It was just weird that she was so against buying us furniture when she bought the first grandchild an entire bedroom set and the new baby half her bedroom set (and loves to brag about how she bought the bedroom sets to other family members).

So, I think that I am going to have to learn how to help my child work through the emotions of not being treated equally by its grandparent. (I really would hate having the "favored" child too...I just want them all to be loved the same).

I really appreciate MNmomma's responses to situations like these. They are there for their children, set great boundaries, and are respectful to all parties even when having difficult conversations. (Ps. I am taking notes for the future )

I agree that being there for Henry and helping him to experience the emotions may be the best approach. You cannot change how others will treat him but you can help him to respond to the treatment in productive ways. I think having a parent to talk to about how I felt as a child would have helped me tremendously.

As for you question about how to deal with it without totally losing it? Well, I am not sure because I can go into "lose it mode" pretty easily around my family. I think I would just have to limit my interactions with them like Shanny, BlkBrd3, and MNMommas suggested.

mausandlodie

Thanks, guys. I have always tried to be really clear about what we will/won't allow for our kids - we have provided guidance to both sets of grandparents and offer gentle reminders when necessary. My mom is just a really difficult person to get along with. She is totally hurt by the fact that Henry doesn't show her a lot of affection and really jealous of the relationship he has with my in-laws, who visit often. It took them months of regular visits to get him to warm up, but she doesn't get that. She also seems to resent my great relationship with my in-laws because they are republicans and used to be hugely homophobic. They have changed their attitude about my relationship with their daughter, and I don't carry a huge blanket prejudice against all republicans - this seems to make her angry. I guess I was supposed to harbor a grudge against them forever or something...

And the gender role thing - I just can't, with either set of grandparents. My in-laws make an active effort to restrain themselves from saying things like "little man" and "princess" (they require occasional coaching on this) but they always buy very gendered gifts (which we put in a pile for both kids to enjoy, much to their chagrin). My parents aren't so bad with Maeve, but I had to lay things out for them after they reacted very poorly when Henry wore his his pink princess dress to a Skype session with them a year or so ago. I was really surprised, because they proclaim themselves to be very liberal and open-minded and raised me to be the same way - I can't understand why they care whether or not Henry wants to wear a dress. Whatever - I think my kids will be stepping back from visits and video chats with my folks for a while and focusing on the healthy adult role models in their lives.