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everyone's thoughts!

kirsten&katekirsten&kate Posts: 62
edited January 2015 in Trying to Conceive
So our first IUI is coming up here pretty soon, the 6th or 7th depending if the follicles are there or not. But i've had some thoughts and wanted to get everyone's opinions! :rolleyes: First! to all the same sex couples* have you ever been minding your business and doing whatever at the grocery store or ETC, and someone ask you "how do two girls have a baby" or "how to two men have a baby" I know it's a very uneducated question but believe it or not we get asked it all the time when we tell people, friends, etc about our TTC!! I don't want to get all into depth with people! Sooo with that being said, I wanted to know how some of you guys handle that question, or questions close to that?

Also, what matters more to everyone the ethnic background of your partner or the traits when picking out sperm?
We personalty went with background But I wanna know what matters more to you guys! :)


  • MNmommasMNmommas Posts: 1,081
    edited November -1
    IDK, I'm pretty upfront about everything. I think when it takes me off guard (which is pretty much always), I share more than I'm really comfortable with. But ultimately, it depends on the situation. A total stranger? I'd return the questioning and ask them why they were asking. Someone I know, but not that well? If I'm not taken by surprise, I just say something about adoption or using donor sperm from a sperm bank. People we're close to..well, by now, they mostly already know how it all works. If I'm feeling cranky or at my limit for personal sharing, I might just respectfully direct them to their good friend, Google.

    You'd be surprised by how many people - including those in our generation - think that the way a lesbian couple typically has a baby is to hook up with a guy. Sorry, but gross, no thank you. A) Not safe, no mama-to-be wants a nasty disease, and B) Blech. That is not how I want to remember my baby's conception. My wife (or a doctor if need be) can knock me up, thank you very much. Thank goodness for frozen sperm.

    For us, all of the traits were important for us. No point in not being picky since you're shelling out the $$$ anyways. So we picked a donor that had shared ethnicities with both of us (since we were both carrying) and who also had the other traits we required (interests, smarts, medical history, etc). And then we bought up all of the remaining vials, because we were in no mood to have to find another donor anytime soon.
    Donor 7070, births 2012 & 2013
  • foxfox Posts: 38
    edited November -1
    I'm sure most people know physically how two same sex people or a single person have a baby. My guess is they are more curious about who is going to carry the baby to term, if you attempting to incorporate some of your spouse's genes but using a donor from your spouse's family, and the legal issues associated with not having the traditional mother/father status.

    I'm a very curious person, and I know the laws are very different state to state. So I fully understand curiosity questions. I have explained what I'm doing to a number of people. I do like to caution people to not ask me a question if they don't want to know the answer. That being say there are a few people (younger family members) I don't want to give details to, so I jokingly respond I'm placing an order online with the Stork Baby Delivery Service.

    As for what matters most when picking a donor: (1) clean medical history. No one in my family has ever worn glasses so if I see "wears glasses" no need to look any further. Too bad this is not a search option. (2) fair or med complexion - I'm very fair so a little one with a permanent tan might look a little odd.
  • MNmommasMNmommas Posts: 1,081
    edited November -1
    fox wrote:
    That being say there are a few people (younger family members) I don't want to give details to, so I jokingly respond I'm placing an order online with the Stork Baby Delivery Service.

    LOL! That reminds me, I have on occasion answered, "Oh, when we see a cute one, we just take it home with us."
    Donor 7070, births 2012 & 2013
  • kirsten&katekirsten&kate Posts: 62
    edited January 2015
    I am so jelly of how cute those two are BTW!!! omg!

    but yeah I try to keep it short and simple with people asking but then I started wondering what other families did/said. I wish it was more common in Arizona though to see same sex families :|
    Unfortunately we couldn't find a danish donor on here with green eyes blonde/brown hair & very fair so we had to go with brown hair blue eyes, but YESSS i agree to being 110% picky with donor choosing because it is soo much $$$ :mad: lol. I'm worried about the health of the baby that's most important! & it at least kind of looking like me (the one who isn't carrying the baby)!
    I spontaneously bought the current donor before the photo matching came back, and wondering if I should buy one of the donor's that came back on the photo matching? What do you guys think?
  • ShannyShanny Posts: 2,456
    edited November -1
    I think it is a responsibility of all of us to educate the world on how and why we use donor sperm.

    Or maybe you could ask them to explain - in detail of course, how they got THEIR children!!

  • 2mommies2Kendon2mommies2Kendon Posts: 141
    edited November -1
    I have been taken off guard by people's questions, mostly because I have NEVER asked someone else how they conceived a baby, so it feels a bit odd to have someone pry. With close friends, it's no big deal. With extended family and acquaintenances... It's been a bit weird. Especially because usually it starts with "So, are you thinking about having more kids?" we say eventually we probably will (because we don't want to say that we are currently trying unless it's someone we have a close relationship with). Then the person asks "Oh, how will you do that, and who's having the baby this time? So how does that ACTUALLY work?" ...Then we feel weird about it. We usually give a vague answer like "Oh we are still looking into different options." or "There are lots of ways, we just haven't chosen one yet!"

    As far as selecting a donor, we went with ethnicity, but we chose one that is not similar to either of us. I am the palest Scots-Irish person ever, and my wife is Colombian (but has very fair skin, reddish hair, and tons of freckles), and our 3 year old is multiracial White/French Creole/African American (I birthed him). We did not want to go with a caucasian donor, because we want to continue to grow our multi-racial family. We went with Vietnamese and Chinese as our donor options (we've tried both), but so far all BFN. We love the idea of an Asian-Hispanic baby to complete our family, since my wife is carrying this time. :)
  • wasnervouswreckwasnervouswreck Posts: 356
    edited November -1
    LOL.... This does make me laugh. I am in a hetero relationship, which obviously is different but , the ignorance is the same. The funniest thing anyone ever asked was if I got to choose the donor. With a straight face I said , no they just pass a cup around in the waiting room. But, I have educated my Drs. as odd as it sounds a lot of Drs. are not familiar with this process in the depth that we obviously are.
    As far as what I look for in a donor I look at health background and usually read the essay in detail. If they sound arrogant, I will pass. As far as looks go I look for the opposite of my features. My oldest is mixed race so race isn't an issue. Although , that also puts me in a place where I have people ask me ignorant questions about that as well.
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