A Shy Child-Should I force them to say hi and respond to an adult?

roses25

Aiden has always been very shy. At preschool he sat back and mostly observed. At church he won't shake people's hands (people he knows because we are a small church of 100 people or less & that's the amount of members, not the amount that show up). I've even tried a little incentive for shaking peoples hands at church (a nickel for each person's hand he shakes). It didn't make a difference. At school if he's with me and an adult (a teacher, not his classroom teacher but just one around the building who he's seen but doesn't know as well) says hi he will hide behind me and not respond to their question/hello. I've talked to him about when somebody says hi or asks him how he is he needs to respond and not hide behind me. It doesn't seem to matter.

If your child was like this, would you give them a consequence if they choose to hide behind you and not respond to the adult who is talking to them? Aiden receives speech currently at my school for articulation and has also received OT (outside my school for sensory processing disorder). Since before preschool I have always expressed a concern that his social skills are a concern for me. Everybody pretty much dismissed them...oh he just is quiet, he likes to observe, oh he plays with this one particular kid now, etc. The speech teacher has suggested that if he chooses to hide behind me and not talk to somebody then I give him a consequence such as taking away a toy that he really likes. Do you think that is appropriate in this situation?

I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for Aiden, and we currently have a temporary traveling speech therapist at our school because we were in a bind, and she is very pushy and thinks her ways are always perfect and the best, so I don't always agree with her. She wants to dismiss Aiden from speech but is not sure about doing it yet because his pragmatics are not there when he's with his family. But he's perfect at school. And he is, he doesn't usually cause any trouble and is quiet as a mouse.

Carolyn

Shanny

Unless you are planning to beat him I don't see how you can force him to do what you want. I know you aren't I was just being silly

Anyway, I think you continue to talk a lot about manners, respect and what you are already doing. Maybe make more of a show by shaking someone's hand and greeting them a little louder than you might otherwise. You can talk later - did you hear how I said hello and shook mr so and so's hand at church? I have a great deal of respect for him and I know he does for me because he shook my hand and also said hello. That was nice. Just keep up the dialogue. Will he pretend and practice at home with you and his sister? His friends? You can also give him the option in each incident but you have to be willing to accept his answer. Aiden, I was just saying hello to mr so and so, would you like to say hello? No, OK maybe next time or let me know if you change your mind.

Nothing good can come from forcing him in my opinion.

coryandamanda

I wouldn't force a handshake especially with an SPD kid. But I would really really really enforce a hello or at least a wave and keep talking over and over about it being respectful. I wouldn't force a conversation, just a hello.

K&H

Absolutely do not punish him! Creating a power struggle with just make him more firmly entrenched in his position. It would do the exact opposite of what you want.
Is he in a social speech group? I would think about it as a form of selective mutism and do some reading up on that to see if that helps give you some direction.

MNmommas

I strongly urge you to respect his comfort level. Please, please, please do not give him "consequences" for being shy. He likely has plenty of natural consequences playing out anyways, because the world is set up for extroverts and considers "shy" to be a negative descriptor instead of a neutral, matter-of-fact way of being.

I'd focus more on modeling greetings and also role-playing them at home. Have you asked him about his feelings or thoughts when someone approaches him and he hides behind you? Knowing the motivation behind the behavior will allow you to work with him better than bribes or punishment.

mel

I wanted to say what MNmommas already said.

Zen

I like the motivation idea. You can practice at home and then have try out saying hi or just smiling or waving when checking out at s grocery store or someplace safe. I'd work on positive rewards for the interactions more than negative consequences.

Kari

I wouldn't push it or punish it. My son dodges eye contact and saying hello until he feels comfortable around the person. With some people it only takes a meeting or two, with others it may be a dozen or more times. And especially during flu season we don't shake hands. Also, Justin has anxiety. If I push him to do something he's not comfortable doing, it makes the situation worse.

I was reading in a parenting magazine the other day that you can encourage kids to make eye contact by playing the staring game so they get used to it. Also, with Justin we talk about "expected vs. unexpected behaviors." After an incident we talk about the behavior people expected (for him to say hello) and how his response was unexpected.

aplusa

I like that expected/unexpected chat, Kari. Does Justin respond well to it?

I feel we are heading down the road of shy children. I was one and the boys seem to be following right in my footsteps....

mysweetangel

I too would not push it, even the hellos. I have dealt with social anxiety my entire life and I can tell you from experience what it feels like being forced to do things you aren't comfortable with. As a child I refused to talk to people so my older brother would usually speak up and tell them I was very shy when they tried to talk to me. As an adult I still struggle with the anxiety but I'm able to deal with it and talk to people when I have to. As a child you just don't have the power to force yourself to do it and people forcing you just makes it worse (in my experience). My oldest is very outgoing. She'll walk up to any kid and want to play and she'll talk to almost any adult. My youngest is the complete opposite. He refuses to talk to anyone, family and kids included. If he doesn't want to say hello to people, I don't push it. It all comes down to if he's not comfortable with it, I won't push it.

Kari

Justin responds pretty well to the expected/unexpected explanation, but his impulsive ADHD overrides it a lot. Like today we went shopping at Target and Sam's Club. The ENTIRE TIME he kept randomly bursting into song, often singing nonsense words. I know it's part of his anxiety as well, just being overstimulated by being around so many people, bright lights, sensory overload, etc. Anyway, I told him singing like that in public was unexpected behavior, and that every time he did it, I would ask, "Is anyone else singing right now?" as a reminder to him. Seriously made that statement 40+ times. Every time he sheepishly stopped, but it would start up not a minute or two later again. So he definitely gets the unexpected/expected part . . . he just doesn't have control over the behavior yet because he's unaware he's even doing it.

Juliet can be shy around strangers and tries to hide behind me. I don't know what it is about Juliet, but people are often trying to get close to her and even I don't like it sometimes. So I let her hide and say, "She doesn't know you and doesn't feel comfortable that you're coming into her space right now," to get them to back off. I was shy as a kid, too, yet am pretty outgoing as an adult. It comes with time and practice, but that practice doesn't have to be forced before you're ready for it.

babybaby

i, like kari, was painfully shy as a child and quite outgoing now, so that's another thing to consider. aiden's shyness now isn't an indication of a lifelong trait.

MNmommas

Kari wrote:

So I let her hide and say, "She doesn't know you and doesn't feel comfortable that you're coming into her space right now," to get them to back off.

I love this. It's so respectful of her personhood and really, of her bodily autonomy.

old mama

My son Jonas was and still is extremely shy. In fact he is in third grade now and even though intellectually normal is just starting to speak in class. His teachers and I had an encourage but not force policy. None of us made a big deal out of it. I think that has helped him open up. I think respectfully standing by you and not acting up while you greet people should be enough. In a church that small people know him and no one should try to force him to speak....just my opinion.

roses25

Thanks everyone for all of the tips.

Carolyn