Regrets about parenthood?

kdkerlin

Hello parents,

I hope you don't mind me posting on your forum as I am not a parent yet. I am however, in need of some sage advice from those of you who've gone through this process. Specifically, I'd love to hear from parents who got pregnant on their own, do not have partners, and earn income in the lower to middle income bracket.

I'm wondering if any of you have had serious regrets about the financial, physical, career, lack-of-downtime sacrifices required in order to bring a child into your life as a single parent? My largest concern is figuring out how to make $2000 extra a month so that I can afford child care and health insurance for my child and whatever other expenses it will require (p.s. I live in the Bay Area where child care for an infant can easily be 1500 a month). I'm scared that it would essentially mean I will be in credit card debt for a very long time. Would any of you mind sharing with me your experiences with that.

I realize that I am in a position where no one really has the answer for me, but I could definitely use your perspective. I'm worried that I may regret the decision if I do have a baby and I'm worried that I will regret the decision if I don't.

blkbrd3

Childcare is almost a third of my net paycheck. My income didn't magically increase with the arrival of Thomas yet I make it work. I buy used clothing, cloth diaper, eat out less, have reduced my misc. expenses to near zero. I also feel like my financial priorities and needs have changed so I don't feel like I'm going without. I feel like I'm more in control of my finances now than I was before.

That's just my two cents.

Shanny

Interesting you should post this today. Yesterday I found out that my 6 year old did not get into the moderately priced private school I want. So now I'm looking at 12 years of the most ridiculously priced institution I could imagine. I will not say the number because people would be ill. As am I. It's wonderful but I'm not exactly rich (understatement of the year). Today I found out she needs $2,000 worth of dental work. On her baby teeth! I bought a house (for her if we are being completely honest) 4 years ago. She's been in private school for years already. Medical bills have been a burden since pregnancy. I now live in debt. I don't expect that to change anytime soon (see above!)

But man. I love her so incredibly much (and we are in a testing phase behavior-wise!). She makes everything ok. I'd go millions of dollars in debt for her well being. It's only money. As the single mother of a very mature (this weeks behavior notwithstanding) independent little girl I have plenty of down time. It wasn't always that way and it isn't like I have time or energy or money to actually go do anything but that's fine too. I'm no spring chicken!

When I debated having a second people told me I would regret it if I didn't. But so far I don't and I really don't feel like I will. (If I had a vial handy when her first tooth fell out last week I just might have tried, (it was very a very traumatic "my baby's all grown up moment" for me). But really, she completes me.

Parenting is hard. Money is the hardest part for me. But not being able to have everything we want makes us both appreciate what we do have and learn the value of hard work. I have taken her to work with me everyday since I conceived. It's been hard at times but I'm rewarded with a secure job with an amazing family that takes care of us.

Tonight she wrote me a note that said "I love you so much. The milk was good." Because apparently I made the best almond milk ever. I mean really, how could you ever regret THAT!!

People say "it will all work out". And as long as you have a good head on your shoulders and a decent support system I believe that to be true. Sometimes it works out because you work you ass off, sacrifice more than you ever thought possible or ask for help (I'm really struggling with the latter) but somehow it does.

insearchofadonor

Oh wow, this is such a massive question and my answer could be the size of a novel(!), but I will try and keep it brief. :-) I am an SMBC to two children (currently almost 3 and almost 1). In short I would say, if you want to survive it all well intact, stick to having just one (lol). When I had my eldest, I thought it was hard (and, I guess relative to how my life had been child-free, it was hard) but when I look back, it was really, REALLY manageable, as a single parent, to have one child. The one adult to one child ratio is totally manageable in so many ways compared to the two children to one adult ratio I have now.

E.g. one of my kids got sick the other week. When I had just the one kid and they got sick, I was able to go through the harrowing days and nights of the sick phase relatively intact, because even though I was up and down all night with them being sick, whenever they did finally collapse into some sort of sleep, I too was able to catch up on sleep at the same time. Now though, when the sick one collapses into sleep, the well one is still up an going 100 miles and hour, needing my attention all the time, so I literally never get to sleep! The other week (when this happened) nearly about killed me. :-/ .....But at the same time, I totally wouldn't be without either of my adorable kids (now that they are here!)... that's why your question is so hard to answer, because in some ways I think I am totally crazy to have done what I've done (lol), but in other ways, I couldn't imagine my life without them now!! Ever!!

But yeah, if I had had just the one, I KNOW my life would have been a million times easier than it is now.... e.g. my weekly childcare costs are now $520 instead of $260, and no my pay check hasn't doubled! It is incredibly hard paying that bill each week, but somehow I (just) manage to do it! But I do find myself occasionally thinking about what I could have afforded to do on any particular week, had my bill only been $260... :-/

So, anyway, the long and short of it is I'd definitely say to you that you should go ahead and not worry about having one! ;-) In my opinion, one IS manageable for a single parent. Two can be too, it is just so much harder in every way. More than two (as a single parent).... I cannot even imagine how hard that would be!!! So kudos to everyone out there who manages that! :-)

Ok, well that's about as short as I could make my answer, lol. I could go on and on really, but I won't, I'll stop there. ;-)

Good luck with your decision making! :-)

Zen

Figuring out childcare was the hardest part for me. I pared down my expenses to almost nothing. I cut out luxuries like haircuts, nail salons, eating out, things like that. I gave myself a spending budget of like $25 per week. And as far as daycare itself, I looked into alternative options like church facilities and home daycare providers. I lucked out with a wonderful home daycare provider where I supplied most of the baby items, and she supplied the love and care. Like other's said, you make it work.

babybaby

i'm not sure how old you are, so my answer would kind of depend on that. if i could have waited to pull everything together financially and career-wise, i would have done so, in hindsight. it wouldn't have changed how i am raising my children in early childhood, because staying at home with them as infants was very important for me. it would change what i am facing once they are both in school/preschool next year, though. i am facing not really having much, in terms of career, and that stinks.

i would say that if you are at all young, like 30 or under, i would give it some time to get things financially together. i felt panicky once i was 32, with a sister who put everything off until it was too late, and with friends who decided they wanted to try fairly late, only to discover they would have tons of fertility issues, and now it's too late.

as far as being stressed and stretched time-wise, resources-wise, energy-wise goes, YES! but it is all so worth it. i can literally say that they have changed my life so much for the better, though. i might not have time to primp and preen, to have a nightlife, to date around, but i have a purpose. i wake up every morning knowing i am loved and needed by these sweet little people and responsible for how they do and who they become. that means so much more.

Kari

I'm not sure I could have done it financially if I was younger. I had my kids at 36 and 39, had a well-established career with lots of sick time built up, great company health and dental insurance, had purchased a home five years earlier, and had been putting aside $400 a month in preparation of daycare for a few years. Still, the expenses - especially with a second child - for a short time exceeded my income. I was able to refinance my house (change my 15-year loan to a 20-year loan, lower my interest rate, and I'd already paid off 25% of the house at that point) to save money during that time and come out ahead.

You do learn to cut back in areas that aren't essential. I'm looking at switching entirely to Netflix and dropping cable to save $87/month and dropping the land line ($50/month). I buy the kids' clothes, shoes, and toys on sale (typically at 70% off at Target), guessing next year's sizes and interests. My entertainment budget is about $0 now because it's too much to hire a sitter and my oldest has food issues that he can't eat in restaurants. We take advantage of inexpensive or free entertainment (i.e., borrow movies from the library vs. purchase them, or go to the beach or park vs. Disney on Ice). We haven't been on a vacation in 6 years but are planning our first overnight this summer to visit two theme parks.

The biggest change was definitely the loss of time. I miss having quiet time to read a whole book in a day. Yesterday my oldest was at school while I was home with a sick 3yo. She slept for 4 hours and I got to watch five episodes in a row of a favorite show. I haven't done that in at least five years. I'm always busy, busy, busy. And then when I crash at night, I'm often interrupted 2-4 times a night by kids who need to go to the bathroom, lost their stuffed animal, or need a diaper change. I miss the freedom of being able to impulsively do something. You know, when you're driving home from work and think, "I'd like to go shopping right now," or "Hmm . . . I want to go out to eat." Those things don't happen anymore because I have to get to daycare before it closes and get my kids home in time for dinner. Even watching my niece play basketball is hard because they kids' bedtime is 7PM and that's when her games start. So definitely having control over my time and the choices I made about how to spend it were the most difficult changes.

Also, think ahead. Don't just picture yourself with an infant. See that child as a 5, 10, 15, and 20 year old with a strong personality, schoolwork, sports commitments, etc. Envision college for this child. Picture the child you love more than anything in the world screaming, "I HATE YOU," at you, as a five-year old and a teenager. Imagine him/her with a physical or mental disability, or a long-term illness. If you can see yourself mature enough to cope through anything that might come with that child, you're ready to be a parent.