night nursing a toddler-encouragement (?) needed. Long

Patienceisavirtue

Here is the scene- it's 1:52 am, I'm in my bedroom typing this. Toddler (20 months) is in another room rejecting comforting from his other parent and crying a lot.

He wants to be with me and he wants to nurse.

Most of the time I'm fine with nursing him at night. I work full time and we both benefit. He typically nurses 1-3 times and goes back to sleep fairly quickly. (He sleeps in his bed, comes to our bed to nurse, and then we put him back in his bed after he falls asleep. We all sleep better this way and he woke up sooooo much more co-sleeping).

This week I've been struggling. I'm exhausted. Toddler has only slept through the night a handful of times in his life (he has literally never slept more than 7 hours in a row). I've come to accept his sleep needs are different and not unlike how I was as a child.

I reached a point tonight where he had been nursing for about 20 mins and I just couldn't do it anymore. His teeth rubbing in my skin was making me so antsy and itchy. He bit me after I adjusted his latch. He kept saying "side" and crying If I didn't move fast enough to switch him sides. I felt like I needed to escape, and then I did.

My irritation has been building up all week. He is getting canines. His poor mouth is miserable. If ever there was a time to comfort nurse, it would be now. Yet, I just couldn't do it tonight.

I'm sitting here feeling miserable and guilty, my spouse is miserable as she attends to him, and he's miserable and crying in the other room. I know some solid sleep would help me but I also can't sleep when he's crying. This sucks.

Someone hold me and tell me I'm not the worst. Any words of encouragement?

Magnolia323

You are enough, what you can handle is enough! You are doing a great job interrupting your sleep to nurse your lil guy. I did with mine til about 10-11 months when he started sleeping through the night. He's 17 m now and teething is bad! I feel ya! You keep making decisions with yourself in mind as well as him but it's got to work for you both! I know it's hard to listen to him struggle. You are doing the right thing in this moment for you and that is ok. I gave in to a paci at night and it works wonders for me at night! I also give Motrin and it really helps. Try to sleep.

Patienceisavirtue

Thanks to you both! I kept telling myself that I was putting my oxygen mask on first, which helped ease the guilt a bit. My spouse gave him Motrin and let him play with a little squishy light up ghost. It calmed him down and he fell asleep within 30 mins. He got up at 4:30 and I nursed him like normal. He's happy today and it is all fine.

In my life, it seems like there are people who are super anti-breastfeeding (especially past the second after they turn 1) or super pro-extended breastfeeding people who NEVER talk about any struggles with it. I need a balance!

Yes, I'm pro nursing but sometimes it's friggen hard.

Patienceisavirtue

WeMakeBeautifulBabies wrote:

I could have written this word for word. I'm in the EXACT same situation with my 2 year old, except we do cosleep. I'm at a loss of what to do too. I feel so bad turning him down when it's been his comfort and nutrition for 2 years now. I don't have any advice, but know you aren't alone in the struggle.

It helps so much to know I'm not alone! Feel free to message me anytime about your struggles. Solidarity.

horton

Do what you have to do and everything really will be okay. My NW babies are 8 and will-be-4-next-week. I'm a smbc and I nursed my oldest until she was 28 months and my son until he was 35 months. I night weaned both of them long before that because I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

With my daughter, she and I coslept from 6 months on because she has always been a crappy sleeper. She never slept the full night, ever, but she at least would just nurse a couple of times and then go back to sleep. Then as time went on, she started basically wanting to nurse all night long. It was a gradual thing, and I kept hoping it was just a phase, but it got worse and worse. I wasn't comfortable, neither of us were sleeping well, and I was so irritated at her. I made the decision to night wean because it was necessary for my own sanity. She was either 21 or 22 months old at the time. It was hard because there is no other adult in our family to soothe her and her bed was my bed, but I stood firm. I told before bed that I would nurse her before sleep and then we'd nurse again when the sun comes up. When she woke up to nurse the first time that night, I reminded her that we would nurse again when the sun came up and then I offered her a water sippy. She was pissed. She screamed and cried. For hours. I stayed calm, offered her the cup occasionally, and sat with her. Eventually she fell asleep. She woke up and repeated the drama a few more times before the sun was showing through the curtains and she could nurse again. I sat up to nurse her then, instead of the usual lying down in bed, because I wanted her to be clear that we weren't nursing all through sleep anymore. The next night we did the same. She was still pissed, but she cried for MUCH less time each time she awoke. By the third night she only woke a couple of times and didn't cry when I reminded her of the plan, and by the fourth night she slept without waking. It was SO worth it. She still nursed plenty during the day and we both were able to sleep SO much better.

The sad truth is I don't remember too many details about exactly how night weaning my son went (poor second child!). I know that he was a couple months from 2 years old, one way or the other. He didn't cosleep with me often because both of us slept better otherwise. I remember that, like his sister, he started really ramping up his night feedings and I was exhausted, especially I had to get out of bed to nurse him. He and my daughter share a room, so night weaning him was miserable for her too. I had her move to my room for a couple of nights, but our place is small and it still woke her up. I offered my son a cup and told him the same message I had my daughter, but he was pissed too, of course. I absolutely hated doing it, but I basically had to leave him to "cry it out" in his bed. I always came to him when he cried and offered him his cup, because I didn't want him to think I was gone, but my staying there or getting him out of his bed was almost like teasing him and leading him on. The timeline was pretty much the same as his sister and he's slept well ever since.

It was hard at the time, but I have no regrets and I feel like that was what was best for our family. It might not be your time for that yet, but if you think it is, follow your gut and don't feel guilty! There's no one right or wrong way to do this!

Hang in there!

Magnolia323

Glad today was good for him and you realize too that he will be ok if you take care of yourself. I still nurse my 17 month old but he does sleep through the night so I can only imagine your pain and comforts in night nursing a toddler. I love nursing but we both love to sleep lol. It's not always easy but at this point I wouldn't have it any other way!

Patienceisavirtue

horton wrote:

Do what you have to do and everything really will be okay. My NW babies are 8 and will-be-4-next-week. I'm a smbc and I nursed my oldest until she was 28 months and my son until he was 35 months. I night weaned both of them long before that because I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

With my daughter, she and I coslept from 6 months on because she has always been a crappy sleeper. She never slept the full night, ever, but she at least would just nurse a couple of times and then go back to sleep. Then as time went on, she started basically wanting to nurse all night long. It was a gradual thing, and I kept hoping it was just a phase, but it got worse and worse. I wasn't comfortable, neither of us were sleeping well, and I was so irritated at her. I made the decision to night wean because it was necessary for my own sanity. She was either 21 or 22 months old at the time. It was hard because there is no other adult in our family to soothe her and her bed was my bed, but I stood firm. I told before bed that I would nurse her before sleep and then we'd nurse again when the sun comes up. When she woke up to nurse the first time that night, I reminded her that we would nurse again when the sun came up and then I offered her a water sippy. She was pissed. She screamed and cried. For hours. I stayed calm, offered her the cup occasionally, and sat with her. Eventually she fell asleep. She woke up and repeated the drama a few more times before the sun was showing through the curtains and she could nurse again. I sat up to nurse her then, instead of the usual lying down in bed, because I wanted her to be clear that we weren't nursing all through sleep anymore. The next night we did the same. She was still pissed, but she cried for MUCH less time each time she awoke. By the third night she only woke a couple of times and didn't cry when I reminded her of the plan, and by the fourth night she slept without waking. It was SO worth it. She still nursed plenty during the day and we both were able to sleep SO much better.

The sad truth is I don't remember too many details about exactly how night weaning my son went (poor second child!). I know that he was a couple months from 2 years old, one way or the other. He didn't cosleep with me often because both of us slept better otherwise. I remember that, like his sister, he started really ramping up his night feedings and I was exhausted, especially I had to get out of bed to nurse him. He and my daughter share a room, so night weaning him was miserable for her too. I had her move to my room for a couple of nights, but our place is small and it still woke her up. I offered my son a cup and told him the same message I had my daughter, but he was pissed too, of course. I absolutely hated doing it, but I basically had to leave him to "cry it out" in his bed. I always came to him when he cried and offered him his cup, because I didn't want him to think I was gone, but my staying there or getting him out of his bed was almost like teasing him and leading him on. The timeline was pretty much the same as his sister and he's slept well ever since.

It was hard at the time, but I have no regrets and I feel like that was what was best for our family. It might not be your time for that yet, but if you think it is, follow your gut and don't feel guilty! There's no one right or wrong way to do this!

Hang in there!

Thank you so much for this post. I needed to hear every word, I think.

You mentioned something important. Boundaries. I need to figure where I'm at and stick with it.

horton

You're very welcome. Parenting is hard... especially when you're tired! I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do/whenever you decide do it!

Shanny

Part of me wants to say "oh, you'll miss this someday, just enjoy it while you can..."

The other reminds me that I have obviously blocked some not-so-fun-nursing-a-toddler-memories!

My story is somewhat similar to Horton - but I can also tell you from years working with children and the related research that 3 nights is the key! If ever I gave in before the 3 nights and then tried again a few weeks later it was like starting over. If I kept up my plan for 3 nights there was always a light at the end of the tunnel.

I loved your update of how the night went. You and your partner both get a high five for doing what needed to be done and getting everyone through the night!

Patienceisavirtue

Shanny wrote:

Part of me wants to say "oh, you'll miss this someday, just enjoy it while you can..."

The other reminds me that I have obviously blocked some not-so-fun-nursing-a-toddler-memories!

My story is somewhat similar to Horton - but I can also tell you from years working with children and the related research that 3 nights is the key! If ever I gave in before the 3 nights and then tried again a few weeks later it was like starting over. If I kept up my plan for 3 nights there was always a light at the end of the tunnel.

I loved your update of how the night went. You and your partner both get a high five for doing what needed to be done and getting everyone through the night!

I know I will miss it and I think that's why I keep going back and forth about doing anything.

Thanks for the tip about 3 nights. I think I can (all of us can) handle 3 nights when the time comes.


Since that night, it has been a lot better. He's still getting up to nurse but only doing so a short time before going back to his bed. We've all gotten more sleep.

syoung0204

The struggle is real. We are in the same boat but we co-sleep, thinking about getting her a toddler bed for our room hoping she'd sleep more but...i don't know how that's going to go...She slept through the night about twice her life...we just try to not kill each other or throw ourselves off a cliff when the sh*t really hits. It comes in waves for us.

We started using apple cider vinegar to stop the evening "snacking" and that's worked, but hard on DW (emotionally).

Edited to say our "plan" is to wean her completely by 2, which is a month away...we'll see how that goes.

flashpacker

Yeah, there are just moments when you don't want someone tugging at your boob. Sometimes I get an aversion to it. Luckily it only lasts a few hours. Most of the time I think about how much I'll miss it when she doesn't want to do it anymore. However there are some moments when I really don't want to do it!