Anatomical Correctness Quandary

cocolibby

We have always used correct anatomical terms for body parts, which includes private parts, with our boys, and we're definitely both glad that they can calmly and appropriately talk to us about their penises if necessary without collapsing into a fit of giggles. However, when it comes to certain aspects of how they talk about lady parts, I have enough discomfort to want to reconsider how we talk about these matters with #4. My wife is totally okay with the way it is and thinks I'm being a nutjob.

Here's what I mean: When one of the boys mentions that mom pushed them out of her vagina, I am completely okay with that. To varying degrees because of their ages, they understand the mechanics of intercourse, and of course the word vagina is appropriate in that sense. However, when they talk specifically about a certain person's vagina, like mine or my wife's, it totally creeps me out. For instance, when DW was pregnant with #3 and wearing only a tank top and underwear, our eldest said that her belly was getting big, and the then 3 year old said, "Her VAGINA is getting big!" If they barge into a bathroom or bedroom where a mom is getting dressed or peeing or bathing, they will always tell their brothers that they just saw mom's vagina. No!!! I know it's splitting hairs - I guess - but none of our sons have EVER seen either of our vaginas, nor do I plan for them to. They've never seen a vagina at all, although they would argue you till they were blue in the face because of our inadvertent mislabeling, I guess.

So, do you use the word vulva or labia or something until you're actually having a mechanics of sex discussion, or what?

I know I'm probably in the minority, but I really don't like loud, verbal small children carrying on about ladies' vaginas when what they really mean is pubic hair.

mel

jdiana21 wrote:

"I was just making you FABULOUS!"

Ha! I love that!

We didn't teach my daughters to call it a vagina because really, the part they are talking about isn't their vagina. It's their vulva, so that is what we've always called it. I've mentioned the vagina and what it is to them, but they're uninterested so far.

I'm wondering if your aversion isn't just the word, but also the topic. It's one thing for them to come to you about their own genitals (which is a parenting thing) and another for someone to talk about your own, you know? I probably would correct them on the term, but also tell them it is not polite to talk about other people's private parts. My kids just turned 4 and I have definitely wanted more personal privacy lately, and so have they. I think it's just a normal part of them growing up and I'm thrilled they're starting to understand privacy.

cocolibby

mel wrote:

We didn't teach my daughters to call it a vagina because really, the part they are talking about isn't their vagina. It's their vulva, so that is what we've always called it. I've mentioned the vagina and what it is to them, but they're uninterested so far.

I'm wondering if your aversion isn't just the word, but also the topic. It's one thing for them to come to you about their own genitals (which is a parenting thing) and another for someone to talk about your own, you know? I probably would correct them on the term, but also tell them it is not polite to talk about other people's private parts. My kids just turned 4 and I have definitely wanted more personal privacy lately, and so have they. I think it's just a normal part of them growing up and I'm thrilled they're starting to understand privacy.

We have definitely told them that it's not okay to talk about other people's private parts, but it's not such a successful deterrent at times. (Especially with our youngest who has NO brain/mouth filter - just today he told our teenage neighbor he was fat, after having multiple interventions on this specific topic in the past) Yes, you're partially right that it's the topic, and also just how it sounds to say someone showed you her vagina - it conjures mental images that are not right, KWIM? It's more like I hope they would never be overheard or say it to the wrong person. Maybe I will insist on the word vulva from now on.

K&H

We use vulva, or at least we intended to.. but somehow E has picked up calling it her "pee pee", probably from potty training.
I imagine we're going to have a bit of a struggle on this one as she gets older.. also with discussing other bodily functions. I tend to be much more prudish than H who has no problem with talking about anything your body could possibly do! Oy.

Are they at an age where there's more of a boy-girl separation issue? i can't remember their ages, are they going to go through puberty soon (or have already)? Maybe that's part of your squeamishness?

ncmomstobe

Not entirely on topic but close. Our son uses the word penis, and we taught him at girls have vaginas. The problem? Pronunciation. He calls it either a delilah or an alieyuh. As in, when looking at his sister getting a diaper change, "ooh, her alieyuh is so tiny!" or "Scout has a delilah but Jack has a penin." (our dogs). Thankfully he has not ever talked about mine, DP's , or anyone else's. Not sure how we would convince him that it just isn't something you talk about, because he talks (loudly and enthusiastically) about everything.

cocolibby

The two I'm talking about are almost 10 and 7 - the 16 year old certainly doesn't talk about anyone's vagina or penis to us. It's bothered me since they were 3-4, though, because like ncmomstobe is saying they are LOUD. I think I would just like to do things differently with the new addition, since they're all far enough apart to do that - there are a few key issues that we'd both like to handle differently this time around, and this is a pesky little one that bothers me!

Kari

Justin is picking up all his words from daycare. His daycare providers say penis, so he does. There is only one part-time female toddler in his class of 7 boys so it was a surprise that Juliet didn't have a penis. He says she has two butts and I'm just going with that for now. He does like to be silly sometimes and say penis to see if it gets a reaction, so we have a rule that we talk about our private parts only in private places like the bathroom.

annerbones

Another friend is going through something similar and what we deduced on Facebook is that you need to get a book that shows everything anatomically correct and go through it with your kids and label everything with the correct name. Talk to them in a serious tone and meaning that you don't think it needs to be talk about so loudly it is okay to talk about it, etc.

Zen

I want Shiloh to know the correct words for vocabulary but I'm okay with using "fluffy" words for conversation. She knows bum and boobies ... but I haven't given her alternate words [yet] for penis and vagina. At preschool they just call them your "privates" so that's what she says. I grew up with muffy and tushy but don't really like either. And while va-jay-jay is cute to read, at 3 syllables you may as well just say the correct word!

mel

We use vulva instead of vagina because when little girls are talking about it, they generally mean the whole thing and not the vaginal canal. To me, calling the vulva a vagina is like saying "nose" for the entire face.

I think it would help prevent some of the ick factor from the original post, too. Correct, they're not seeing your vagina, and it's not a pleasant thought. But if one of my kids says "Mommy, I see your vulva" I just nod or whatever because they have. It's the same as if they said they saw my elbow.

allthingslucky

I talk about body parts and their functions regularly with my girls. We didn't talk about it growing up and for the longest time I was so confused about what was going on down there. Also, I want my girls to be confortable talking to me if anything inappropriate happened to them. We use the word vagina, because at this point I don't think they would be able to sort out the different pieces.