what do you say when...

A&J

Do you have a go to phrase or comment for when someone asks if your child's ____________( fill in the blank) comes from his/her father?

I'm often asked if Olivia' s curls come from her dad. At the Y a lady commented " oh, she must look like daddy". I usually just say something like " its hard telling which side she gets her features from" or once I said " we just think they are Olivia' s curls"

When asked specifically about her dad we both are always quick to say she has two moms. However, when it comes to these random questions when you really aren't or are not trying to engage in conversation what do you say? I want to be certain that I am setting a good and proud example for Olivia in how to answer these random questions.

Kari

Her biological father has/does not have trait xyz and leave it at that. Or I throw out a random fact from my side of the family, like both my grandfathers had blue eyes.

cocobay

We do not call Bronx's donor his father, bio-father, dad, etc. because he isn't. He is his sperm donor. I usually just say no, he gets them from me, or his sperm donor has whatever trait and he must have inherited that trait. I ALWAYS correct people if they happen to assume Bronx has a father or dad. Especially if he is with me. I never want him to hear the conversation and me not correct the person. I never want him to feel that there is "suppose" to be a father in our family based on other people's assumptions. I know that sometimes it brings unwanted conversation because people can be very curious once the words sperm donor are said. If they are offended the conversation usually ends but if they are genuinely curious I try to answer as many questions as I can. That's just me, and that is just what works for us. By the way, O's curls are beautiful

fisch

We used to do what coco bay does, referring to sperm donor, or just donor. However, now that jack really has a comprehension of what dads are, we have changed our tune. Also, what I have gleaned from those on this board with older children. We were uncomfortable with the dad/father reference because we didn't want to be left out, or misunderstood as a family, and Individually, as a parent. However, jack started to express his feelings about wanting a dad like kids at school, and honestly, watching him with the men in his life, I wish we could give him one. Since that's not possible, we talked with him about having a "donor dad". We talked to him about what physical traits we thought that we got from his donor, and when he said "well, where is he?" we tried to explain that we don't know him, but that he was kind (very much like jack), and gave his special seed to the store where we picked it out. After several of these discussions with jack, it now seems a little easier to discuss "donor dad" with curious strangers, or family even. Jack has very blonde/yellow hair that he gets from the donor's family, and we hope he gets the donors height....I say this often to others.

mel

Nobody ever really asks this question anymore, so I haven't had to deal with it since the kids were old enough to understand the answer. The only thing people comment on now is that they all have beautiful blue eyes, but I also have blue eyes so they assume they got them from me. It's good to think about this to have an answer ready!

telly

Yes i do the same as coco and kari. Most of the time i would just add the features from my family. Or i would say his donor has such and such. People over here are very nosey so they want details after i say that. I just tell them that is my business and my son has a family who loves him dearly and is being taken care of very well. I do not think there is a wrong way to answer, whatever you and dw is comfortable with. One question i do hate is is the father still in his life, and i say he doesnt have one. Or if i want to keep it simple and not try to drag out a convo i say nope and leave it at that. Its all up to you.

EMG_REL

I find this to be one unanticipated bonus that R and I have similar features; no matter who H is with, people always comment on how much he looks like us (blonde hair, blue eyes, etc.), so we're able to avoid those kinds of questions. I even got a comment once from an older woman that "that little boy must not look anything like his daddy because he looks exactly like you". I just smiled and nodded, especially since I didn't even give birth to him, haha. As H is getting older, we're both more aware that a quick, uncomplicated answer is the best, but we haven't encountered a question like that in a long time. We have, however, recently been discussing what a "daddy" is with Holden, so he's not blind-sided by the idea sometime. He doesn't go to daycare, so he's not really exposed to the details of other people's families. We have a few straight couple friends with kids, so we've been consciously explaining who's the mommy and who's the daddy and also that Pap is Mommy's daddy and so on. He doesn't seem very interested yet, but he does repeat what we say. This may sound strange, but we don't have ANY same-sex couple friends, with or without kids. We always talk about how we need to get on that, haha.

indigoscot

We always do the same as cocobay. There is no Dad/father.

Interesting to note - ds1 never, ever asked about a Dad and he's 5 now and has always been around kids with hetero parents. As a result ds2 doesn't ask either. I'm not sure why that is but I'm happy about it.

Personally I would not mention a Dad in any way shape or form. Kids are easily confused in their formative years - as we've found with other areas - and who knows what they could be telling classmates or other adults? Best to stick to the absolute truth IMO.

g

A&J

Just a note to clarify, we NEVER tell or allude to the idea that she has a dad. We always are very clear that she has two moms. It's just these random situations in passing where I am busy and NOT wanting to converse that someone will mention a physical feature of hers, such as curly hair or the color of her hair. Really, I don't know why anyone who doesn't know us would even care.

I'm thinking that while it may lead to more questions I may just say " yep, the curls must come from her donor". While she obviously does not have a dad, she does have a biological side that was contributed by her donor and I don't want this to e something awkward for her to know or consider.

It may sound like I'm thinking and looking into this too much, but I guess it's just because I want Olivia to be comfortable and proud of everything about who she is and how she came to be. I also do not want that fact that she possibly has physical or other features from her donor to be something she or our friends and family feel awkward or that it is something to be hush- hush about.

Well, like most things, straightforward, direct and honest seem to be best--- even when it is a complete stranger that I do not want to have a conversation with because I'm just trying to get us out of our swimming suits and into dry clothing, or picking out some apples at the grocery store or whatever

Zen

I got questioned about Shiloh's "dad" about a week ago and it was the first time in a lonnnnnnnng while. At first I blanked on response but then just answered honestly. And watched the woman's eyes get all big and round. It was kinda amusing because I thought the shock value was gone from our life. Guess not!

Goobie

She gets that from her sperm donors side.

It might be a bit different for us, as a lot of people who don't know us assume Ivy is Tims biological child, but we just make it part of normal, everyday conversation. When people comment on her blue blue eyes, we say something like "yep, it was pretty fun choosing a donor with the same eye colour as mom to increase the chances of another blue eyes beauty in our family, when else do you get to "shop" for certain features?!" Keep it light, then become informative if people ask more questions. Thats just us though, we are very upfront, out there, blunt people who would rather be open then have people speculate... we live in a small town and it's pretty common knowledge that Tim is sterile, so we'd rather be the ones to open with "we used a sperm donor" then have them wonder, and come up with their own conclusions.

cocobay

Goobie, I think it's wonderful that y'all will be open with Ivy about her genetics. I know that Tim is her dad no matter whose DNA she has, but its really awesome that you will be honest with her. Just wanted to throw that out there

pb

I've never been asked. I always hear "he looks exactly like you". When Lauren is asked she says he has two moms and he looks just like his other mother or something similar. Sometimes we say "oh his sister has the same nose, eyes etc"

lippysaunt

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-mom-of-donor-baby-struggles-to-deflect-nosy-questions/2012/09/06/102a504e-f850-11e1-8253-3f495ae70650_story.html

miss manners answered this question recently.

A&J

Lippysaunt-- I liked how Miss Manners said you need a conversation ender. This is exactly it for me. I swear these questions always come up when I'm in a hurry and need to be on my way. Also, like the article mentioned, to these random strangers these are just passing comments, they surely don't care. We are the ones that care. Thanks for posting.

mld123

I get this question a lot because my daughter has curly hair and blue eyes. My hair is straight and my eyes are brown. Mostly I say she looks like her grandfather after telling them she does not have a father.

Maddey is the first one to tell people she does not have a dad. Funny story the other day at school everyone was saying how their Dad's made their breakfast and Maddey said "I don't have a Dad, so my Mommy made my breakfast".

wylinz

It depends on who I talk to. If it's just a random person, I say yes, he gets it from his dad. He does have a dad, so when he gets older and is with me I will do what I do now when we're with people we know and say no he gets his green eyes from his donor just so I can set an example for him and not have him wondering because his dad has blue eyes. Random people, I don't care anymore what I say. I used to always be very particular and tell everybody, no this is from his donor but it got too difficult to explain everytime. We have a family member who refers to his donor as his dad and I always correct her because I don't ever want Hunter to think that his donor is his dad.