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May the TTC Odds be Ever in Your Favor

PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
edited November -1 in Our Train of Hope
My wife and I decided that we were ready to be parents in May of 2013. Being parents has always been on our agenda but last May we decided to start trying. We are both in our late twenties/ early 30s with life experience and a solid understanding of ourselves. She was in her first year as a post-doc with a flexible schedule and I was taking an extra year of school to complete my dissertation. We thought we could have some time home with our future baby and enjoy all of those little moments dreamed of by the parent versions of ourselves. While we are comfortable in our finances, we are by no means rich or well off (I mean, I am still a student and she is now paying off student loans). But, more than all of the logistics, we were mentally ready. Ready to experience the joys, frustrations, sadness, happiness, etc. that being a parent could bring. Ready to expand our love, share our love, and provide a life for a tiny human in this chaotic, scary, lovely world.

Our first challenge was figuring out why my cycles are irregular. I visited my primary care doctor, at the end of June, who ran some tests and figured out that my thyroid is functioning well, my kidney's are working, but my sugars were a bit high (interestingly she was not that concerned with my gyn health and did not do an exam since I had normal results the year prior with a different provider). She wanted to start medication but I was determined to stay medication free and proposed a plan to change my diet and exercise. At the time, I was interning 2 hours away from my home and eating many meals on the go. So even though I ate well at home, I was not eating that well most of the time. I was also a full-time student, doing a practicum, teaching undergrad, working on my dissertation and really had no time to work out. I took a good look at my life and decided to no longer be ruled by school. I began a running program, only ate meals we made at home, engaged in more stress management activities, and started going to bed at a decent hour. In July, I took provera to kick start my cycle, and by September I ran two 5k races, lost 20 pounds, got a regular period, and no longer had high sugar levels. I was bbt temping, peeing on every OPK stick I could find, and tracking cm.

October and November of 2013 the fertility signs aligned and we inseminated one vial each month, but our timing probably could have been a little better and both months ended in a BFN. In December, we ordered two vials to try and correct timing issues but the positive OPK was not followed by a thermal shift meaning I probably did not ovulate. My BFN came with a period that was light and short, so maybe more of a break through bleed than a real period. In Oct, Nov, and Dec first positive OPK occurred on CD 16. In January, I had some wet cm very early in the cycle (before I even start testing most months) so I decided to take an OPK and it was super positive on CD7. This meant we were unable to try in January and what seemed like a true period occurred 16 days after the positive OPK (like it has every other month).

I also started Vitex in January and noticed an increase in cm and higher BB temps that were now in the low to mid 97 range pre-ovualation to high 97 to low 98 range post-ovualtion instead of 95-96 range pre-ovualtion to low 97 post ovulation. In Feb, all of the fertility signs aligned again and we inseminated 12 and 29 hours after first positive OPK. FF confirmed ovulation the day after our late night insemination and we were feeling positive and hopeful that everything lined up well. I had also lost an additional 20 pounds and was hopeful that my health would help. But at 12dpo, I got a BFN and a new cycle began this morning. We are going to try again and March and I also made an appointment with an OB/GYN to see what is going on in there. While I am semi-fearful of doctors, I hope that we can get some answers/guidance to move forward.

Trying has not been a easy process, as it isn't for so many on these forums. I have been lurking on these pages, watching, waiting, learning, but fearful to jump in and share. I was not sure that I could provide hope, support, and excitement for others during times of my own misery and despair. I was not sure that I wanted the advice and opinions of others or that I really wanted to share my own journey that is at times filled with embarrassment, shame, self-loathing, and heartbreak. But most of all, joining the forum meant that I was in this for the long haul and that was scary because that meant I could have months to years of heartbreak.

I decided to start my train of hope to have a place to organize my thoughts, lay out the details of what I am doing, and provide additional data to anyone (lurker or active member) who may have a similar story to mine. I have learned that the women and occasional men on this forum are strong, supportive, and willing to provide any information they have to help others. I feel that I am now ready to share and join this forum with a happy heart.

To the active members who may be reading this: Thank you for unknowingly supporting me the last several months and thank you for sharing such intimate aspect of yourselves. Your strength, courage, and determination to carry on in the face of disappointment, loss, and heart ache show so much about your character and is inspirational to many.

And like I have been saying: May the TTC odds be ever in your favor.
TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
TTC #2: since June 2016...
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Comments

  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Hurry up and wait. This TTC game is test of your ability to hurry and wait all at the same time. Wait for your cycle to begin, hurry with shipping, wait for UPS, wait for a positive opk, hurry up or wait for insem, and then the dreaded TWW. Hurry, wait, hurry, wait.

    Today is CD 7 and I have begun the hurry up and wait period. FF has my "fertile period" from CD 9 to CD20 and since I have ovulated as early as CD7 and as late as CD 20, I have typically start testing with Wondfos on CD 7. We had decided that we will order our tank to arrive on CD 14, so next Friday, since most of the time I ovulate between CD 16 and CD 18. My chart looks weird this month with my temps going up or down by almost .2 degrees a day. I am not sure what that means. Most of the time I am not sure of what any of this means! :D

    I also do not know how I feel this month. Part of me still holds onto the excitement and the other part of me wants to go through the motions while avoiding feeling anything hopeful. I just hope that my appt. later this month will help or provide some answers.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Well the tank arrived on Friday with no issues from UPS or with the tank itself. Hurray! I also had a flashing smile Friday morning. So now I am just waiting, reading taking charge of your fertility, and trying to relax. Clear blue is still flashing, wondfos do not seem to be getting any darker, but cervical fluid is heading toward being more fertile. Interestingly, I kept forgetting the tank was coming and I almost forget to use my OPKs during the day. So maybe I won't be an obsessive hot mess during the tww…but I probably will.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Solid smiley came this morning followed by a very clearly positive wondfo both this morning and this afternoon. I tested negative with the wondfo yesterday afternoon. (Last night around 11pm I thought to myself I should use a wondfo but I talked myself out of it thinking I was being crazy, so I wonder when the surge actually started and wonder if I would have been positive last night).

    Now to figure out when the heck to inseminate. I am for sure surging but my cm is slippery and not yet eggwhite. I don't want to jump the gun again but obviously do not want to wait too long either. Typically, depending on when I catch the surge, I have roughly 0-48 hours between first positive OPK and the temp rise. I have two ICI vials and think I am going to try to do tomorrow morning (24 past pos) and Wednesday some time. Why is this timing crap so hard and why does my body have to do something different every. single. month?
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Insemmed the first vial this morning. I'm not feeling great about the quality of my cm. There seems to be quite a bit and its slippery but it is not egg white. (I have had egg white a few times, so I know that it is possible for me). Maybe later today or tomorrow it will show up. My temp usually correlates pretty well with the LH surge so I didn't want to wait any longer in case this is the most fertile it is going to get (I am about 24hrs past first pos opk). We used the speculum with pre-seed so maybe that will help too.

    After the insemination, I laid down for about an hour and did two different guided meditations. I am terrible at relaxing as I tend to run more anxious but I am hoping that the relaxation techniques will help me not worry so much.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    I did the second vial this morning and laid down for about 45 minutes before I got ready for work. I also had my doctor's appt. today and the first thing he said to me is, "So, you are going to have a baby." He seemed really positive. He ordered a bunch of blood tests (the typical ones) so now I just have to wait until CD3.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    I had a pretty big temp rise Thursday and today, so it looks like we insemmed the day before and the day of ovulation. Now it is up to the the sperm to find the egg. There is literally nothing more I can do at this point. I feel the timing is better than it has been in previous months but realistically I know there is still only a 15-20% chance.

    Time to relax and try not to obsess for the next 13 days or so. (Yeah...right :D )
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    7DPO today. The first few days went by pretty quickly but the last two days I have wanted to obsess and symptom spot (I don't even have any symptoms so I'm not sure what the heck I want to google!I just keep thinking google this or google that, ugh). The next week is going to be tough but hopefully all the work I have to do will distract me.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    10Dpo: BFN. :(
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Well, for sure BFN #5 in 6 months. I tested negative on 10 and 13 dpo. Then began spotting later in the afternoon on CD 13. Temp dropped and more spotting 14 dpo, and then yesterday AF came full force. Bummer.

    I am going for blood work on Saturday. Part of me is excited to have some answers and get an idea of what I am up against. However, the other part of me is scared and worried that the the blood work is going to turn out to be something serious that will crush my dreams.

    On a side note….Is it just me or did the the long cold winter give rise to an army of pregnant people who are walking the streets and torturing my soul with their bellies full of life?
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • ana8284ana8284 Posts: 628
    edited November -1
    Sorry to hear about this month was a disappointment again. I'm right there with you and yes, there is an army of pregnant women lurking the streets and my Facebook feed! Best wishes to you with your blood tests.
    27zc85c.jpg

    IUI #1- 07/12-BFN, IUI #2 08/12-BFN, ICI at home 10/12- BFN, Back to Back IUI #3 08/13-BFN, IUI #4 09/13-BFN, IUI #5 03/14- BFN, IUI #6 05/14- BFN, IUI #7 06/14-BFN
    KD-10/14-BFN KD-12/14-BFN IUI #8 3/15 BFN, IUI #9 4/15 BFN, IUI #10 6/17 BFN
    Potential Adoptive Parents- Baby Due November 2017!
    IUI #8 04/15- BFN
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Hi Ana8284- Thank you! I am glad I am not the only one who has encountered the army of giant bellies :D Hopefully we will both have better luck soon!
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    I had my doctor's appointment today where I finally got my day 3 lab results. Everything was normal. As in the most average you could possibly get for my age on every test. The doctor said that there is no reason that he can see that I have not gotten pregnant based on all the data I have provided him. He then said, "Well, I have no idea what to do with you," and proceeded to give me a referral to an RE. So glad that everything looks great and bummed there isn't a quick fix. :P

    I knew patience would be key in this journey.......
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    It is so funny how stress is manifested in physiological ways. I teach this to my clients all the time and most of them (especially the men) do not believe me. I wish I could use this as an example but that would be creepy boundaries haha.

    Around cycle day 7 several things happened that created stress in my life. Some of the stressful events were small and others could be life changing. For example, there is a big possibility of being relocated out of state when I still have to finish school in my current state, family members in the hospital, new supervisor at work, Easter, finals, terminations with clients, a trip out of town, etc. etc. etc. When my wife told me her job was relocating, I told her two days later (on cycle day 9) my ovulation would be screwed up this month.

    Here I am cycle day 20, with my 8th day of flashing smiles, and no ovulation in sight. I usually have a fade in pattern with the Wondfos but they have been light with no indications of fading in. My temps have been all over the place and I have a good amount of CM but it is thick and rubberyish. The latest I have ovulated since I have been tracking is CD 20 but I haven't even had an LH surge yet. So, we sent the tank back this morning and are thinking about overnighting it when I get my surge (I don't ovulate until about 2 days later).

    I just knew that the stress would delay ovulation. Even though I took time to relax, meditate, and de-stress...the stress was still being carried around in my body and my ovaries reacted accordingly. It's a nice reminder that our bodies are holistic and that humans are reactive to their environment. (And it also sucks hard because I want to insem, dang it!)

    So remember ladies, take care of yourself...if not for you, for your ovaries :D
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    I finally got a solid smiley this morning and my Wondfo was positive! So glad they were consistent! But...yesterday I had wet CM with no positives and today I feel like I have very little CM. What in tarnation is happening in there? I think we are going to insem sometime tomorrow night.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    The insem last night was kind of a disaster. After overnighting the tank, we inseminated at around 40 hours past positive OPK. My CM was still not egg white so I tried the mucinex thing and I am not sure it helped since I only was taking it yesterday. We also used pre-seed to try and help things out but it seemed like a lot of sperm came out initially. This is the first time we have had any migrate out. It is kind of disheartening but I am glad that we only used one ICI vial. I am not even convinced I will have a temp rise tomorrow so this is probably all a wash anyway.

    I am just going to pretend like we decided to not insem at all. Ugh.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    At 4dpi FF finally decided that I ovulated sometime on Saturday. We did one ICI around midnight between Friday and Saturday. My progesterone seemed "slow to rise" so I am still doubtful about the whole thing. I also seem to have more cm now than I did around the time of ovulation and have cold/sinus thing with a sore throat, runny nose, and cough. Tomorrow is an important day at work so I am debating on taking medicine. I feel so much like it didn't work this month that I might as well just take something. At least I won't have suffered for nothing.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Well at 6pi FF has taken away the ovulation cross hairs saying that the program cannot "comfortably confirm" ovulation happened. All 6 of my temps (since the day after we inseminated) have been higher than all previous 22 temps so I do not really understand what is going on. My temp did drop a some today from 98.34 to 98.2 but those are the two highest temps on my chart. This has never happened that FF was late to give the cross hairs and then took them away 2 days later.....What is going on?????
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Mystery cross hairs returned at 7dpo and have stayed even though my temps have been kind of all over the place. I also have had symptoms of progesterone including being crabby, sore boobs, cramps, being more tired the usual, and sneezing. So, I am pretty sure I ovulated.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    I guess I did ovulate this month because I got a BFP today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I thought I saw a shadow of a line on the wondfo yesterday (11dpo) but I chalked it up to a fertility hallucination (you know those hallucinations you get when you think you see lines). Then today (12dpo) there was a clear pink second line but it was so light that I thought it was a joke. I immediately ran to the store for a digital. The family dollar, which is down the street only had blue dye ones and I was not taking my chances on those so I walked a mile to CVS.

    $63 and 2 miles later the wondfo BFP was confirmed by a CVS and a first response digital! Pinch me, am I dreaming?
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • ana8284ana8284 Posts: 628
    edited November -1
    Eek! So excited for you and your wife! Congratulations! :)
    27zc85c.jpg

    IUI #1- 07/12-BFN, IUI #2 08/12-BFN, ICI at home 10/12- BFN, Back to Back IUI #3 08/13-BFN, IUI #4 09/13-BFN, IUI #5 03/14- BFN, IUI #6 05/14- BFN, IUI #7 06/14-BFN
    KD-10/14-BFN KD-12/14-BFN IUI #8 3/15 BFN, IUI #9 4/15 BFN, IUI #10 6/17 BFN
    Potential Adoptive Parents- Baby Due November 2017!
    IUI #8 04/15- BFN
  • babystarbabystar Posts: 203
    edited November -1
    Congratulations! Exciting isn't it? :)
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    catcatavi20100915_-23_Addison+is.png
    foxfoxabu20120203_-23_Cullen+is.png
    eleelesdg20141229_1_Ella%20Jeanne%20is.png
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Thanks ana8284 and Baby Star! It is so very exciting and hard to believe. I am still peeing on a stick every day just to make sure it is still in there (insert neurotic joke here- haha). I was supposed to get AF yesterday and I was so worried she would still show up but she did not come, not even a little bit. Hurray!

    Today is my birthday and over the last month, every time my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday I would say, "A baby." When I got my BFP, she goes, "Happy Birthday, See I always get you what you want" and then later said, "Thank God I pulled through for your birthday." Typing this it doesn't sound very funny but at the time it was hilarious.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • diane&tammydiane&tammy Posts: 1,467
    edited November -1
    Congrats!! :D:D
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    I started having some pink CM after I got home this evening. I also have some mild pressure/cramping. I don't think this is looking good. I already cried a bunch.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    I called the doctor this morning and the nurse did not seem to concerned with my cramping/brownish CM. She said if it continued or go worse that I should come in. They were only going to have me come in at 6 to 10 weeks for my first appointment. I asked if they could at least do blood work so I am going in for my HCG numbers.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • ana8284ana8284 Posts: 628
    edited November -1
    Glad the doctor thinks everything is okay!
    27zc85c.jpg

    IUI #1- 07/12-BFN, IUI #2 08/12-BFN, ICI at home 10/12- BFN, Back to Back IUI #3 08/13-BFN, IUI #4 09/13-BFN, IUI #5 03/14- BFN, IUI #6 05/14- BFN, IUI #7 06/14-BFN
    KD-10/14-BFN KD-12/14-BFN IUI #8 3/15 BFN, IUI #9 4/15 BFN, IUI #10 6/17 BFN
    Potential Adoptive Parents- Baby Due November 2017!
    IUI #8 04/15- BFN
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Thanks Diane&Tammy and ana8284.

    The result of my first HCG test is: 960 at 18dpo (or 4 weeks 4 days). The nurse said it was a little low but that it probably means that I am early on. I go in for a my second test tomorrow. Since it is a holiday weekend, I have to wait until freaking Tuesday for the results. It is going to be a looooong weekend. I am terrified that it won't double or that it will go down or something. :o

    My CM is still brown. Well, yellow/brown. (TMI) It has never been enough to show on my underwear, just when I wipe as I do not have very much cm at all but the color is still concerning. I had less cramps yesterday and only have a little right now.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • ana8284ana8284 Posts: 628
    edited November -1
    Just out of curiosity I looked up what numbers should be and per the American Pregnancy Association the average guidlines are:

    •4 weeks LMP: 5 – 426 mIU/ml
    •5 weeks LMP: 18 – 7,340 mIU/ml

    So I'm no doctor but your numbers look fine to me!!! Keep your head up!
    27zc85c.jpg

    IUI #1- 07/12-BFN, IUI #2 08/12-BFN, ICI at home 10/12- BFN, Back to Back IUI #3 08/13-BFN, IUI #4 09/13-BFN, IUI #5 03/14- BFN, IUI #6 05/14- BFN, IUI #7 06/14-BFN
    KD-10/14-BFN KD-12/14-BFN IUI #8 3/15 BFN, IUI #9 4/15 BFN, IUI #10 6/17 BFN
    Potential Adoptive Parents- Baby Due November 2017!
    IUI #8 04/15- BFN
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Thanks ana8284, I looked this up too! Interesting how widely it varies. A really a single number does not really seem to mean much. I think it is the doubling number that matters the most.

    I had a thought today that if I am this anxious now, maybe motherhood is not suited for me! I am going to be an anxious mess the rest of my life. Although, most people say that I appear calm and relaxed but my insides are screaming! haha.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
  • PatienceisavirtuePatienceisavirtue Posts: 777
    edited November -1
    Spotting continued until Wednesday and then started again on Friday. I have had brown cm the whole weekend. Then just a little bit ago it turned brown red and increased in frequency. I still don't have numbers from last week because of the stupid holiday weekend. I wish this would all go away and that everything would be ok. The nurse is supposed to call in the morning. It cannot come soon enough.
    TTC #1: 1-5 BFN; 6- BFP
    TTC #2: since June 2016...
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