Known Donor Discussion Advice

b&kmakebabies

We aren't 100% sure yet if we are going to go the KD route, but we both decided a long time ago that a certain friend would be who we asked if we ever felt the need to explore this option. He's the perfect choice and we both trust him completely. He was a college friend and now we just occasionally talk to keep in touch. So, he's not around all the time, which I really feel would be awkward in a way...

Anyway, I'm looking for advice. I mentioned the idea to him today and he said he would be honored to donate for us and he had decided a long time ago if we ever asked he would say yes. I've already contact a lawyer awhile ago in case we ever needed one to draw up a contract and she's waiting for my call if I ever need her, so all of that is pretty much taken care of.

Now I just want to know what types of conversation we need to have with the KD...for those of you who have used one, what did you discuss with him? This is what I have so far:

1. Contact with the child (when would this happen if at all)
2. Disclosure (will he tell others - family and friends - that he is donating and what are the conditions of this?)
3. Compensation (I'm sure he won't take money, but I do think he should be paid for gas definitely)
4. Testing before first attempt (STDs and a sperm analysis I'm assuming?)
5. Is he available to donate for a sibling if we want that?

Is there anything else we should discuss?

K&H

What will the child call him? Will there be contact with his extended family?

Wannabeasinglemama

I lost a best guy friend who was being my KD. It's not worth the headache and getting free sperm over.

b&kmakebabies

Thank you for your opinion, but I think the difference is that he is not a best guy friend...I do consider him a friend, but he's not close to me. He was not invited to our wedding, if that puts it in perspective. He is also one of the most genuine people I know. Trust me. I would not go into this without being confident. And I'm also not doing it for free sperm.

Anyway, thanks for your opinion. I'd really rather leave this thread for advice on discussion with the KD though, not the pros and cons of using one...

b&kmakebabies

K&H wrote:

What will the child call him? Will there be contact with his extended family?

Thanks!

ana8284

I think you hit most everything. When we were trying with a KD I actually found a pretty good contract online that we used to guide us through our questions. I don't remember where it was but I'm sure if you Google it you could find it. One thing to know is that most REs etc will not touch KDs with a 10 foot pole because of possible legal implications. We got STD testing done privately but the only place we found that would do the genetic testing was another cryobank and it was very expensive and they still had to freeze and quarantine the sperm so it defeated the purpose. Good luck!!!!

katoo

Have you talked to the lawyer about how this will impact the birth certificate and parentage? When you use sperm from a bank the donor has zero rights to the child, and thus if you're legally married, your spouse automatically is the legal parent and goes on the birth certificate. If you're in a heterosexual relationship, that is. Theoretically this right should be granted to same-sex couples as well now that same-sex marriage is legal, but we had to jump through hoops in our state and petition the court for parentage. If we had used a known donor, we would have had to take the KD to court to terminate parentage, and then my wife would have had to do a step-parent adoption.

allie8573

Wife is a lawyer so I want to forewarn you...
When using a KD you have to put their name on the birth certificate or its a crime. It's what kept us away from Doing it. I also had a friend who used a KD which she completely regrets as he ended up going after her for rights to the child. I would avoid. She spent over 20k in court fees. The sperm is cheaper.

b&kmakebabies

Thanks...we will definitely discuss that before deciding. I had asked the lawyer about it in my email to her and we will not do it if she doesn't have a solid answer and plan, but I do think it is important to ask the KD if it came to going to court (like if that is part of the process), would he be comfortable.

I have a question, though, and this probably seems dumb, but I don't know how it works...if insemming with donor sperm at home (like from NW), how do you prove you used donor sperm when you are putting names on the birth certificate? Do you show some sort of paperwork from NW?

Wannabeasinglemama

I was 1000% confident, too. And no offense, when you come on this forum you can't filter what people talk about. Unless you want him to have some sort of relationship with the child, there's no other reason to use him other than free sperm. Since this forum is for people using NW Cryobank, maybe you'd get more positive experiences on a KD forum.

PS. KD contracts don't hold up in most states whether you use a lawyer or not. If he decides he wants to fight for custody, he can. If you decide you need child support, he must give it.

b&kmakebabies wrote:

Thank you for your opinion, but I think the difference is that he is not a best guy friend...I do consider him a friend, but he's not close to me. He was not invited to our wedding, if that puts it in perspective. He is also one of the most genuine people I know. Trust me. I would not go into this without being confident. And I'm also not doing it for free sperm.

Anyway, thanks for your opinion. I'd really rather leave this thread for advice on discussion with the KD though, not the pros and cons of using one...

b&kmakebabies

True. I was extra hormonal as I had just started my period yesterday. I'm sorry!

b&kmakebabies

Part of the reason we even started thinking about using a KD was because we were interested in having the option of contact if the child wanted it earlier in life and not at 18. Also the reassurance that he likely would not refuse contact as the donors can always take that back. Not saying this is more important than parental rights but it is definitely important to us.

old mama

My last cycle I approached a friend, someone I have known most of my life. We talked it all out. He didn't want visitation. I gave him the option later if he changed his mind to be part of the child's life. I didn't want child support. He went on his own for STD testing. I paid his copay. It was all set up. I was going to pay him....less than NW but I felt he deserved it for his time "effort" and gas $. I spent a fortune on fertility meds, LH tests ect...then he backed out!!!! grrrrr. I called and got sperm sent from NW fast and was able to try....it has affected our relationship..I am mad at him. Not for backing out but waiting until the last minute to tell me he changed his mind. Money was an issue I won't lie but I thought too after so many tries with frozen using fresh might work better... Just proceed with lots of thought and caution.

Wannabeasinglemama

old mama wrote:

My last cycle I approached a friend, someone I have known most of my life. We talked it all out. He didn't want visitation. I gave him the option later if he changed his mind to be part of the child's life. I didn't want child support. He went on his own for STD testing. I paid his copay. It was all set up. I was going to pay him....less than NW but I felt he deserved it for his time "effort" and gas $. I spent a fortune on fertility meds, LH tests ect...then he backed out!!!! grrrrr. I called and got sperm sent from NW fast and was able to try....it has affected our relationship..I am mad at him. Not for backing out but waiting until the last minute to tell me he changed his mind. Money was an issue I won't lie but I thought too after so many tries with frozen using fresh might work better... Just proceed with lots of thought and caution.

Crap!!!' I reported your post instead of hitting reply!!!! Sorry Old Mama!!

ahk00

I have a friend that is willing as well. But your exact scenario scares me. I would like to think this wouldn't happen. But let's be real, fathering a child you will have nothing to do with can be pretty scary. So sorry this happened to you.

old mama wrote:

My last cycle I approached a friend, someone I have known most of my life. We talked it all out. He didn't want visitation. I gave him the option later if he changed his mind to be part of the child's life. I didn't want child support. He went on his own for STD testing. I paid his copay. It was all set up. I was going to pay him....less than NW but I felt he deserved it for his time "effort" and gas $. I spent a fortune on fertility meds, LH tests ect...then he backed out!!!! grrrrr. I called and got sperm sent from NW fast and was able to try....it has affected our relationship..I am mad at him. Not for backing out but waiting until the last minute to tell me he changed his mind. Money was an issue I won't lie but I thought too after so many tries with frozen using fresh might work better... Just proceed with lots of thought and caution.