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Names on birth certificate
arielle
Posts: 240
For those of you who have used a known donor, how did it work with the birth certificate? My wife and I have been ttc for 4.5 years now and we're at a point where we're considering using fresh sperm. We found someone anonymous (we don't know him and he doesn't know us) and if we decide to do this, we won't be doing any contract. He said he is not interested in knowing our name and just wants to help. He is married and has 3 kids of his own and has donated sperm to other couples before, and they all went their own ways after that and are not in contact.
So we're wondering, in a situation like this, would my wife and I have trouble with the birth certificate (if we don't use a sperm bank)? Would they even care to ask how I got pregnant? We are still in the beginning stages of this, just extremely desperate already.
So we're wondering, in a situation like this, would my wife and I have trouble with the birth certificate (if we don't use a sperm bank)? Would they even care to ask how I got pregnant? We are still in the beginning stages of this, just extremely desperate already.
ICI 07/2012 BFN, ICI 08/2012 BFN, IUI 03/2013 BFN, IUI 06/2013 BFN, ICI 08/2013 BFN, ICI 11/2014 BFN, ICI 12/2014 BFN, ICI 12/2015 BFN, ICI 01/2016 BFN, IUI (with trigger) 02/2016 BFN, IUI (with clomid + trigger) 03/2016 BFN, IUI (with clomid + trigger) 04/2016 BFP - ended in ectopic pregnancy, ICI 10/2016 BFN, ICI 11/2016 BFN, Back to Back IUI 01/2017 BFN, ICI 4/2017 - BFN, ICI 5/2017 - BFN, IVF 6/2017 - 19 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/2017 (single embryo transfer) - BFP
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TTC from 06/2015...Baby M born 11/24/16!
Even though it's expensive, I would suggest hiring a lawyer and having them draw up a contract that could be redacted to block out names for all of you with each other if you truly don't want to know. That way your child is legally protected, and could possibly someday be in contact if he/she so chose.
We are going to be using a known donor this time (one that will ship to us though). He has a contract that he uses, though it really is just to spell everything out and make sure everyone is on the same page from the start. Chances are, it's not something that would hold up in court. Hopefully someday the law will catch up with our families. We do not require a contract, but will sign one if a donor does. Doesn't matter to us either way.
Anyway! We live in VA, where 2 moms can go directly on the birth certificate, so that is what we will do. Actually, here, if you are married at the time of birth, your spouse's name must go on the birth certificate. Our donor's name will be on nothing, aside from the contract and it won't be his real name.
If we choose to do a stepparent adoption at some point, we will go through the hassle of the "father unknown" route. Many (not all, but many) known donors do not give their real name or will not sign paperwork, even for an adoption. The reason (as I was told by a donor) is if the adoption does not go through for some reason, it puts them at risk.
If your state allows 2 moms to go on the certificate at birth, definitely do that. If not, leave the "father" part blank. If/when you do your step or second parent adoption, baby will get a new birth certificate with both of you on it.
I know the bank is expensive, but it seems like the safest option.
Anyway, I use the KDR and haven't had a single donor mention NI. Of course, we are ONLY looking for shipping donors, so I'm sure that weeds out those guys. I have found 5 great donors who ship and would be willing to donate for us. Any of them would be an excellent choice that we would feel comfortable working with.
If at some point you reconsider using a KD, maybe a shipping donor would be something for you to consider. Chilled fresh sperm has twice the life span of frozen, but half the life span of fresh. With the kit and shipping, it's under $200 per month for 1 try. The one we are going to use actually covers all costs, so it won't cost us a thing. One of the others has his own kits, so only has the recipient pay for shipping. It just varies by donor.
Have you tried the KDR? It is against the rules there for a donor to suggest NI (sex) or even contact someone offering if it they do not have it marked on their profile. They will be banned from the site.
Good luck to you both with whatever you choose to do!
Their reasons for donating vary. There are even donors there who previously donated through a cryobank. Some say they didn't like not knowing what came of their donations. Some feel that cryobanks charge recipients too much and it's unfair. Most say they just want to help others have a family or that they've seen loved ones struggle with infertility. Some just feel the need to have their dna out there.
Cost wise...most will have you pay for the kit (about $75) and shipping (about $80). Some buy the shipping supplies in bulk because it makes them cheaper. So they will basically just eat that cost and have the recipient pay shipping. Why...again, that probably varies.
The donor we've chosen, as I said, covers all costs. He asks that if a pregnancy is achieved, the recipient donates $30 to a charity of her choice. I did not ask what his motivation is. Whether a donor has a "good" reason or just wants to "spread his seed" doesn't matter to us. The end result is the same.
There are also AI donors, if you do want to try that instead of shipping. Just be sure to only mark AI (and shipping, if you want) when setting up your profile. If you do not mark NI, donors are not allowed to contact you suggesting it. If they do, report them. If a donor agrees to AI and then tries to convince you to do NI when it's time, report them. They are strict about enforcing that rule and it will be taken care of.
As for safety, health wise, experienced donors are typically tested regularly and will show you proof of that. We have yet to have to ask for test results. They have always offered them freely right at the beginning of conversation. Current testing is a must for us. It is not overly cautious to require that. It is just being safe.
There ARE some great donors...you just have to find them. If using a KD is something you are interested in, it doesn't hurt to research it and check it out. In the end, if you feel most comfortable using a cryobank, there is certainly nothing wrong with that! Do what you and your wife feel is best for your family...that is all that matters.